Does everyone go through grief during a divorce?

My husband has been gone since August 9th. I had sent him a message on FB about three weeks after that telling him that I was sorry that things had gotten to this point and I will love him always. I just wanted to have some closure even though I was the one who filed for the divorce. I really didnt want the divorce but we fought over my kids and his daughter all the time and it just got really bad!  I have cried and felt so down that I dont want to do anything!  We had actually been texting or calling every now and then but his ex wife told me that he told her on Sept 9 that he wished I would stop calling him and begging him to come home!  I did not say that! I told him my feelings I did not ask him to come home. I cant believe he said that to his ex wife!!  i guess its true though because I know I did call him on Sept 11 and he had a different tone in his voice I felt like I was bothering him so I have not contacted him at all since and I have not heard from him either. Its  just so hard when you love someone so much but if he cant respect my kids  then its not working.  this is the most difficult thing ive ever been through!!!  i just wish i could hate him and it would be easier.....

[mammo]

It's very common to feel sad after a divorce regardless of why you divorced or who wanted the divorce.  We don't just fall out of love with that person, so it can be a very emotional thing for us.  I wouldn't be talking with his ex wife, you're just going to get hurt and you need to just let him go.  Keep reminding yourself of "why" you divorced him and that had you remained married nothing would have changed.  Your children come first and I commend you for doing what you did.  The fighting would have continued and nothing would have changed, and you need to realize this.  I think it's best that you have no contact with him and do your best to move on.  I've seem may women have to walk away from the man they loved due to various reasons and almost always it was what was best for the kids.  It's best for you as well, and you will see this with time.  You don't want to hate him, this just eats you up inside and you don't want that.  He's still showing his true colors by telling everything to his ex wife and she's no better for passing it all on to you.....it only hurts you.  I would avoid all contact with these two people and start focusing on what is best for you and your children.  Think of what all of you want and deserve out of life and go for it.  I know this is all easier said than done, but with some time it will get easier.  You may even want to speak with a therapist on how best to cope with all of this.  Your children are part of you and to disrespect them is like slapping you in the face!  Sometimes the person we fall in love with isn't the best one for us, and when it affects the children we have to cut our losses and move on.  I wish you and your children all the best.

[michelle41292]

yes, i agree with everything you said. as a matter of fact the very day she text me and told me that i figured she is only trying to stir the pot so i deleted hers and his numbers out of my phone. i have not contacted them at all, so im doing well. It is for the best that i filed for divorce and that he finally left. i will  be okay in time but not right away, i know this. thank you!!!

[specialmom]

Hi there,  Well. A couple of things jump out at me.  I probably wouldn't talk to his ex wife or use her for your source of information on him.  She might not be too reliable.  

If you were fighting a LOT and there were problems that led to a seperation, but you still would like to be with him. . .  you could ask him to go to therapy as a couple now.  Not to get back together necessarily but to see if there is any hope for that.  If he is not interested, then you have your answer.  It is over.  If he is willing to do this, it is worth a shot to try to work through problems you two had.

I agree that break ups are very very sad.  Mourning is quite normal.  If, however, you feel like you don't want to get out of bed, eat, do things for every day for more than two weeks----  you need to talk to your doctor about that.  It could possibly have moved into depression and you should make sure you address that if this is the case.

Stay very busy, exercise, write in a journal, throw yourself into other things.  Relationships take time to heal from.  Give yourself that time. peace

[Londres70]

I am sure everyone goes through some extent of grief during and after divorce....I did.  I was the one who filed and I still experienced feelings of loss and grief.

I think I responded to your initial post and asked if couples' therapy was an option for you and your husband.  I really think you all may have benefitted from this.  It is NOT unusual to have these sorts of problems when trying to blend a family.  In fact, I am in a "blended" family situation myself.  I have had my share of issues in regards to blending my family, but it can work out if the couple is willing to work through it TOGETHER.  Plus, you will have to play a very important role in helping to bridge your children and your husband and foster this relationship between them. It will not happen on its own and does require time and effort.  Plus, it is important the children see you two as a team and not two people disagreeing about this and that and not working well together.  

In my experience with this disrespect can go both ways meaning if your husband felt disrespected then maybe that's why he is acting disrespectful.  I am NOT saying that was the situation, but that can be the situation.  On the other hand, he could just be acting disrespectful without provocation.  It is obvious there are communication issues between your children and him as this is NOT an unusual occurrence when trying to blend two families.  Sounds like this ex wife could have possibly played a part in all this as well.....that's possible especially if she sent you that dreadful text.  Don't EVER trust people that carry "this and that" back and forth between people.  Sounds like this ex LOVES drama and probably likes to embellish the truth.  

I wouldn't recommend sending messages in regards to this on FB or by text, etc......not a good idea.  I am not sure why his ex wife was contacting you.  Well, at least you have deleted her out of your phone.  

There is no easy road to take in order to not feel the pain and loss.....you must tread through this unfortunately.  As Specialmom stated staying busy with work, hobbies and other positive activities can provide some distraction so that you aren't focused on this 24/7.