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Ex-Fiancé
How in the world do I get over my ex fiancé??  This is so unbearable.  He broke our engagement in July 2012 but we still talk.  We're really having trouble when it comes to breaking all communication with each other.

I really believe that he is my destiny.  How do I change the way I feel?  It would be so great if I had control of my heart.  And to make matters worse...he is my first love...and I'm 43!!

Someone please help.
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134578 tn?1463413330
Usually when someone gets broken up with, they carry a candle for the other person because their ego was so bruised, even if in the natural course of events the relationship wasn't so great and they might have broken it off themselves, sooner or later.  It hooks you, to have someone walk away, in a way that gives the walk-er more power than the walk-ee, and I'm talking about independently of what was really going on in the relationship.  A lot of times we are more in love with what we fantasize the relationship was than what it was in fact.  It's easy to get over a fantasy relationship, once you realize you're mostly in love with something you made up in your mind, not something that really happened.  Anyway, get a reality-based view of what was going on in the relationship (without the large dollups of wishful thinking and self pity) and go see a counselor or therapist for a couple of sessions.  Look at what it was like to actually be in the relationship (not out of it feeling hurt) and see if the reality was actually that good.
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973741 tn?1342346373
Hi there and welcome.  Agree with Anniebrooke.  A simple answer to your question is to break off communication.  You are wishing you could be with him and somehow a string is dangled and keeps you right in that spot. You need to cut the string and REALLY move on.  good luck
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Thank you.  I am working up the strength to do just that.  
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3149845 tn?1452625053
Hi also, does he contact you or its you contacting him? I mean do you get a text from him to see how your doing out of no where?
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He calls me.  He says he knows it's not healthy for us to continue talking, however he still calls and send text.  So now when we talk he tries to cut our talking down to about 30 minutes or so.  Whereas, we used to talk for three to four hours everyday.  The longest we've gone without talking was about a week and a half.  

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973741 tn?1342346373
There is something called secondary gain.  This is when we say one thing but do another because it feeds something within us.  His secondary gain is knowing you are always there for him whether he wants to date again or not.  If he's talking that much to you but not wanting to get back together and YOU would like to, then it is not healthy to continue the communication.  good luck dear
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134578 tn?1463413330
Yes, basically it makes him feel a little powerful or attractive that you are thrilled when he phones.  It's all very one-way, he is kind of using you to feel good about himself, without being interested in doing more than necessary to get the ego stroke.  If he were interested in a full relationship, he would ask you for one, and he is not.  This is a one-down situation for you, don't keep yourself there.  Being alone, with interesting things to do and peace and tranquility, is better than being in a minus position.
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