My boyfriend and I became emotionally involved while we were both still married in our respective 17 yr. relationships.
We both separated from our spouses and divorced. My 4 children have embraced him, but his teenage daughter will not speak to her father and it has been 2 yrs. She only thumbs her nose @ him and rolls the window up in his face on their every other week 5 minute visit. While we know things should have been done differently, we can't help but believe that we made the right decisions leaving our very unhappy marriages. We had planned on marrying as soon as his divorce was final, but now he can't move on because his daughter won't talk to him and will never, in my opinion, be able to accept me or my children. Does anyone have any ideas on how he may be able to rebuild this relationship or can he? Her mother is vidictive and will not support him as a father at all, when he was the one that really raised the daughter. She avoids all areas where we may see one another, so the daughter never has to face reallity. Please help! We are all in agony
I'm not trying to be mean but can you blame her. This is why infidelity cuts to the very core of people's souls. The ones that are truly hurt from it are the children. I don't understand why you both couldn't get out of your marriages prior to having this affair. Now this girl is left with a very hurt heart. I don't believe her mom is vindictive, I believe she feels hurt and abandonment because the one person she loved betrayed her and now she sees her daughter hurting. That would infuriate any mother. His daughter is old enough to really understand what has happened and has a mind of her own, without her mom feeding her things. It's not like she is a young child that can be manipulated. I think he needs to give his daughter some time and maybe some space. You can not force a relationship between them. She is upset and probably needs to come to terms with this on her own time. Her family is torn apart, she is hurting, you both need to be understanding of that. I think her father needs to spend some alone time with her. First they need to rebuild that relationship without forcing you into it. She doesn't have to like you, she probably has a lot of resentment towards you, she doesn't understand that her mom and dad's relationship was bad, she thinks you were the reason why it went bad. So he needs to clear up those issues, but again, it can't be forced. It's a tough situation but I think you need to stay out of it for a while and let him make the efforts.
Whenever there's divorce; there's collateral damage. And, any children that are involved will inevitably suffer. Right now, the daughter is understandably hurt because her life has been disrupted and forever changed by the divorce. She is dealing with the fact that not only has her mother has been betrayed; but, that her father is essentially husband and father to others. That's an overwhelmingly major disappointment and loss for anyone! Perhaps, in the (far distant) future when she's older, on her own and has acquired more real life experiences, she'll be better able to cope and understand the dynamics and complexities of love and relationships. But, that could take a very long time. I think that it's best to allow her her emotional and physical space. Offer her warmth and friendship; but, don't insist. She'll eventually accept the realities of the divorce; but, realize that she may never warm up to you. And, as mami1323 said above, "... can you blame her?"
I went through a similar thing. I did have more luck with my husband's son though. Stay the hell out of the way when they are visiting each other. Don't force yourself on her. When they see each other, take your children and yourself out of the equation. Say hi and leave. Let them socialize alone. They need to mend their relationship before you and your kids can even come into the picture. You need to realize this might take years to mend, and sometimes it might not happen at all. It's the price we pay for not taking our partner's feelings into consideration during the affairs.
I've only heard you place the blame on his daughter and ex-wife. You need to realize and acknowledge that you are to blamed for the current situation. You wanted this man, so be a woman, and support the girl as much as possible. Even if she rejects you a million times, show her that you care ( though it sounds like you don't care about her at all). Stop being selfish and realize that you just helped break a family.
Completely disagree with posters so far! What we don't know is anything about the marriages prior to affair, so why pretend we can make a call on fault, blame when affairs happen or why. The fact is no matter the reason for ex's behavior, vindictive is vindictive. If she isn't putting the child first(and she isn't if she is supporting disrespect and alienation from father), then she is just as bad if not more so than the couple trying to mend relationships. My guess is that the ex-wife never put anyone first and that is why she is divorced. An affair is a symptom of a bad relationship not the reason for it. SO...I say you do give daughter some time to grow-up. Sounds to be that it is a combo of teenage rebellion and mom supporting dad-hate. That has to work out with maturity. Hopefully sooner than later. Keep trying. Be open and honest about your feelings (good and bad) and continually make her feel part of the family as a whole. She is feeling alienated even though she is alienating herself. Good luck. My heart breaks for you both.
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