Friends to enemies

I met Matt at work.  We both started the job at the same time it was my only job and his second job.  His first job is being in the army. I have known him for about three years now and have been married for over one year.  We started out as friends and eventually we became lovers.  He was the one that persued me from the beginning.  I, at first just wanted to be friends because I have some trust issues from the past and felt that he was just too nice for me.  I have already been married and divorced and have two kids from that marriage.  He loves them and even helped me to get full custody so they could move with us when we got stationed else where.  He was there for me when I had no one.  He pulled me on my feet every time I fell on my face.  I eventually relized that I loved him more then just a friend.

We have moved from the state we use to live in because of the army(which he is still in) and are station all the way across the country.  I am just about eight months pregnant now.  I am a stay at home mom and wife.  My life revolves around the house and kids, I have no friends, and no one to help me when I am feeling down.  His job keeps him gone most of the time.  I have been dealing with depression that I have most likely had for years.  I have felt improvement from the counsiling I have been going to but every time I feel like things are going to be better his job has him gone.  This makes it hard for me to even make it to appointments.  Also when I am sick or have appointments its like the army has somewhere else for him to be.  I hate his job, the state we now live in, and the fact that I have no one here but him to talk to.  His job has been causing a lot of arguements between us.  Its gotten so bad we are ready to call it quits.  I know that he has to work to support us but it seems like when I get use to one thing(him going to the field for a week every other week) another thing pops up.  Like tonight he had a mandatory fun night for just the guys.  Its them going out of town and getting drunk.  He worked all day 6:30am till 4:30pm and then had to leave at 6pm untill 11pm.  I am so fed up with his schedule I am ready to leave him.  I mean he even has to leave for training one month after the baby is born for a month.  This training does not have to happen for a couple of years but it seems any time I have something scheduled or need him here the army has him somewhere else.  This is why we have been fighting also I can't really trust him because he never has a set schedule.  I can't live this way anymore.  I want to be happy and every time I feel its okay something from his work comes up.  Do you think that this marriage is worth trying to save? Because as of right now we both love eachother but are ready to call it quits

[becks715]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  If the love is still there then there is always hope.  But unfortunately love is not enough to keep a marriage going.  I would second teko's words in that you need to make friends, or find something to do for you if there is anything at all around that you could do.  

Have you two talked about him leaving the army?  It might be a discussion to have I mean maybe he wants to be there forever and then what do you do? I think you need to discuss all options career wise and see what he thinks if he doesn't want to leave ever then you might be in for a tough ride, I'm sure a lot of the issues around his job he has no say in.  Such an honourable job but so so demanding on the person and their families.  Maybe there is a possibility to get stationed closer to family and friends or somewhere new with things to do.  Ultimately you knew he was in the army when you married him and if you were unaware about how difficult it is to be an army wife then that's something that you have to work on in yourself.  I'm not saying he gets off the hook but it takes two.  A deep heart felt conversation is in order not a fight or argument.  Explain to him everything you said here and try to brainstorm solutions together.  Don't be rash in decision making exhaust all options before you guys call it quits.  The stress on the marriage is his job/career which can always at some point be corrected so remember that.  Best of luck.

[tiff78g]

My ex husband was in the army and it took a huge toll on our marriage. I had just given birth to our first baby and two weeks later was uprooted from my whole family in Ohio to Georgia. He was never home and his schedule was not reliable. I was at home taking care of our baby and had no support system what so ever. I hated it and I was miserable.  I talked him into moving onto base and things got instantly better. I made friends with the other wives in our building and we went and did things all the time. I always had someone to turn to and we could relate with one another.  We ended up divorced, but that was after he left the army and for different reasons, but I suggest getting out and meeting other military wives, they are going through the same things as you.  Good luck!

Tiffiny

[MrsOckert]

Jenn,

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and smile in front of the grimace.  It's easy to thing that the military is out to get you, but they aren't.  Unfortunately, they don't care you exist.

Your Matt is still the same Matt you have always had and right now it is your turn to be strong.  Greet him with smiles and happiness when he's home not anger and bitterness.  He'll be much more inclined to want to stay home with a happy wife than an angry one.

Children and not perfect angels all the time.  Some days you just have to say, they will grow up.  This too will pass.  This job is not for life - he's doing it right now for all of you.

It is not worth throwing love away because your unhappy right now.  Time will pass more quickly than you realize.

Read the book the "Excellent Wife" - it's wonderful.  I am considerably overweight (okay obese) and my husband adores me.  He wouldn't if I had never read that book.