I'm a 22 year old female and for as long as I can remember I have been very "dramatic", I've always been a little over-sensitive, and when I'm sad I'm very very sad, and when I'm happy I'm very very happy, I always just chalked this up to being a very passionate person, and it is something that for a long time I liked about myself. I've always gotten good grades, I'm athletic, I've been told I'm very beautiful, and I have a good set of all around skills. I still never really felt that I fit in anywhere. I have had trouble keeping friends over the years, resulting from the break up with a long term boyfriend of which we had mostly mutual friends. They chose him. I felt very alone, I had a few aquaintances come and go and dated a couple more guys but throughout the next couple of years, family issues cropped up, and without a solid support group of friends I became very depressed, and often feel very poorly about myself. I feel that I have been dealing with depression for the past 5 years at least, but it began to get much worse over the past two years. Despite this, I began dating a guy I met at University who is just over a year younger than me, let's call him "M". We have been dating for almost two years. I have been in love before, had about 3 other serious boyfriends, but I have never felt this strongly for anyone ever before. M, although not typically "good-looking" has an increddible amount of self confidence, he is charming, extremly funny, and is often the life of the party, he has many friends and let's just say he knows how to flirt with girls pretty well. We have so much fun together, are very passionate for one another, have a great intimacy and connection, many things in common, and many different intrests that we still try to share with one another. Both M and I are very passionate people, and therfore when we get in a fight it often becomes very heated, but we have worked through so many issues and always seem to come out stronger on the other side. M has type 1 diabetes, and has had some struggles with this, along with some legal and family issues, and I have been extremly supportive of him throughout those. One of the issues we have dealt with together is his drinking. He used to smoke weed and drink at least 4 to 5 times a week, it got less after we started dating, but I noticed that often when he drank he became very mean to me, and would say sarcastic and hurtful things. About 6 months ago he stopped drinking and doing drugs completely. Since I began dating M I wanted to make some positive changes in my life, so just over a year ago I went to the doctor and began taking anti-depressants. This made me feel a great deal better, so after a year I stopped taking them. I began to feel poorly again, and so I started taking them again, but after 3 months am still not feeling better. This has been a great strain on my relationship with my boyfriend. I have noticed that he has seemed to lose sexual interest in me, which is very sad for me because we had a very passionate and intimate sex life. He has also stopped making time for me, and I feel that I am not really part of his priorities anymore. I feel that he is not supporting me throuh this difficult time. I tried to tell him about this every so often and we would always end up in a fight, until he recently confessed that he has found my complaining and low self esteem annoying and exhausting, and that he feels like I have not been myself for the past 2 months, but at that point he did not want to end our relationship. After this talk I went to the doctor and got a new anti-depressent, and also began going to counsiling. It has only been about 2 weeks since then. Recently he has begun drinking again, but not in a problematic way. He would have 1 or 2 drinks socially if we went out and everything was fine. On Saturday night we went to a party and he seemed to be drinking a lot more heavily. I asked him (not in a confrontational or angry way) how much he had to drink, he said only two beers, but I had seen him taking shooters and talking to another guy about how he had had 6 beers. I went into the bathroom at one point and heard him say to another guy "Hey do you want to get really hammered?". I came out and asked him (again in a non-confrontational way) if he planned on getting drunk that night, he then again insisted to me that he had only had 2 beers. I told him I knew that wasn't true, and that I didn't understand why he was lying to me. He became angry and mean like he often does when he has been drinking, I hadn't seen this side of him in a very long time. He told me I made him feel bad because I was accusing him of getting drunk when he wasn't. I told him I wasn't accusing him, only that his lying made me feel like he was trying to hide something from me, which scared me because I didn't want things to get back to the way they were like when he used to drink. He walked away angrily and told me not to touch him. I asked him to come speak with me upstairs and he came up with me, but was impossible to deal with. I only wanted to work through this misunderstanding so that we could have a nice night together, but he insisted that I was trying to start a fight, that I always do this, and he told me not to touch him or talk to him for the rest of the night. I stayed at the party for awhile, We had both planned to stay over night, but I decided to go home, before I did I went to talk to him brifely, and said that I couldn't understand why I couldn't make him happy, and that I felt like he had very little patience for me, particularily when I was going through a difficult time, and had been making huge efforts to fix things. It seemed as if we were broken up at this point. The next day I went over to his house to get my things. I did not want to break up but I did not want to be unhappy anymore. At first he seemed like he didn't care that we were breaking up, but he began to show how sad he was, he cried and told me his heart was broken, we hugged and kissed for a bit, and cried together. I told him I did not want to break up, but I did not want to make him unhappy, and that I would be fine with him calling me, or if he wanted to hang out or talk or anything. He said he would call me, that he loved me, but we seemed to be still broken up at that point. My mom seems to think that we have been having troubles lately because he is not as mature as I am, since I am his first serious girlfriend he is not really looking for something as deep as I am. I am not sure if I agree with this or not. Today I was feeling very very sad and wanted to talk to him, (I know I probably shouldn't have but...) I went to his house and he said to me that he did not want to talk to me about it. He said that he wasn't ready and that he would call me when he was. The worst part to me was that he didn't seem to be very upset, and I know that he had made plans to go out tomorrow night with some of our mutual friends (I clearly wasn't invited). He seems to do that when we get in a fight, he won't let me talk to him at all, until he is ready. I know that I should give him time but it is very difficult for me, I feel like he always dictates when we get to talk, and there isn't any consideration of when I want to talk. I am pretty sure he will call me sometime next week, but I am in total agony, I am heart broken, and it is extremly difficult to wait that week. I'm afriad that when we do talk, that he won't want to work it out, or that we will get back together and he will continue to drink, or to not make time for me. I am also afriad that if we are apart he will start to drink alot again, or maybe find somebody else. I don't know what to do. Should I wait for him or just write the whole thing off? Should I get back together with him if he decides he wants to? I have never been this heartbroken.
Hi there and welcome. I think vicmk does make a valid point. In all honesty, you don't sound like the best match. He likes to party, you don't. He's lying to you about it because of the roles you've adopted. You're the motherly "please don't drink" role and he's the defiant kid. Those relationships especially when a couple is of a young age like the two of you are rarely work out long term.
Perhaps you are more mature. Perhaps he's got problems. But in the long run, we are not supposed to end up permanently with everyone we date. Thank goodness I am not with my college boyfriend!! Whew, that would have not been a good thing down the road.
It is hard to look at things that way when you are hurting----- but I think it sounds like you should let this go.
If you've had trouble keeping friends and remaining close to friends, this is what I'd try to focus on in therapy along with other things. Depression does take time to treat. An antidepressent takes 6 to 8 weeks to be fully effective and the best combination is medication and talk therapy. So I am really pleased you are going this route.
It's hard sweetie. I know. I had some long term relationships that ended and it hurts. But understanding that not everything is meant to be is really key to life. Your inner gut seems to know this and I'd go with that. good luck
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