O.K so I need some help from everyone.....I have been married 21 years and we have been going through some definite bumpy roads the last couple of years, and after I was laid off my husband became real obnoxious and tried to make me feel like I have never contributed to anything, Anyway to make a long story as short as possible, he decided to move out, I was in agreeance and we were going to revisit it once a month and see how we are doing..we were not going to do anything legal yet just go with the flow and see where we land, ok so he rented a cottage on August 1, 2009 and since that date he has stayed the night at his own place 7 nights out of almost 60.....at first he would call all sad and ask if he could come over, and me being the kind person I am kinda felt sorry for him so I would say yes and then be bothered all night.....well than lately he has grown a bigger set than he already had and is just showing up when noone is here and eating our food and watching the t.v (and he has not paid a penny since he left) and his attitude now is "I have just as much right here as you do" and I remind him trhat he chose to leave not me, now he is saying he is moving back in on November 1st and I am upset and I do not want him back yet or maybe never, I was thinking in my mind to stay away from each other atleast until the new year and take it from there but HE is trying to control every situation and he did not ask my feelings he just simply stated he is coming back......what do I do, I do not want this, It is not fair that he leaves and he can call the shots as to when he comes back. I am sorry but I need to have an opinion here...so I need some help what should I do??????
Have you tried talking or explaining to him that you need more time to figure things out between the two of you? Will he sit down and talk open and honest with you. I would let him know exactly how you feel and he is the one that chose to leave, not you. Maybe you can change the locks.
If you wanted him to "stay gone" for good, then you shouldn't have allowed him back, at all. But, since you did... in his mind, it's okay to stay.
Personally, the minute he was out... I would have had the locks changed.
Have you flat-out told him that he's not welcomed back?
On principle, he should ask and respect your wishes if you say no. But, since he's telling you and not asking you... and, as long as he has ownership claims to your home, I don't see how he could be stopped, legally.
What a predicament! Do you still have feelings for him or do you know that it's completely over for you? Are you feeling sorry for him and that's why you let him back in? I just feel like you have to be honest with him. If you don't want to be with him anymore, you have to tell him that. Don't get stuck in this marriage because you allow him to control it. Then you won't be happy. If you want out, than you have to make it clear to him. Stop leaving windows open for him to come back in.
This is quite a familiar dynamic in break-ups. Unfortunately it stems from unconscious needs and it is those needs which dominate the arena.
I'm wondering whether you have considered asking yourself why you have chosen compliance in your relationship ?
On the surface it seems like the easiest thing to do. However the mixed messages that you are sending your ex display a great deal of conflict over whether you truly wish to lead a life seperate from him?
Maybe there lies at the bottom of this a need to protect yourself from the uncertainty and unknown factors of a single life?
It's not easy to change things on the inside. This situation is about YOU and what you are feeling. Give yourself a lot of comfort and plenty of time to evaluate your position.
Have you any support locally? Friends, family ? I sense your conflict and sympathise with you totally. Remember your life is about YOU and what is BEST for you.
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