Help me win my wife back? Please?

[Nukkiweda]

Hello,

I don't even know if this is going to work but please do help in any form? Me and my wife have been super happy and married for over 3 years, Our relation has been like a fairy tale where every birthday or hers or any special day I try make it as gorgeous as possible taking her wherever best I can, Ive been a heavy gamer all my life (Xbox / Playstation) where From the period of December to April I have had a lot of conversations with a female (Whose face also I have not seen) but still I did speak quite a bit while mostly all of it was about politics and games etc. there are 3-4 times when I have spoken foul 1. I have mentioned in a joke that I am allergic to Condoms, 2. In a museum we saw dinosaurs and this girl asks me how were they and i joked saying they were naked and thirdly once I spoke of the word 'D**k' in reference to 'Bananas' for reasons I have no idea but I never spoke much about this to my wife, I have casually mentioned about her 2-3 times but not said there are times we chat online for an hour or two etc. (( ofcourse, the above is very brief but point is I know I have done wrong ))

On our vacation to Italy, she went thru my phone chats, and she now is devastated,  and I always have advised her in life, never ever be with a cheater, and here in this case it's me who cheated, is there any way I can make her believe that while I was dumb during speaking to someone online, It was not a genuinly reason for me to cheat? I have never even had sexual discussions with the person, nor any such feelings but wife feels when I joked about allergy to condoms I was hinting at it, I don't even know where this person lives or anything but I do understand my wrong is wrong, it's been over 4 months now and as of last night wife has even moved out, shes been the reason for every smile or mine or every reason for me to be happy in life, can I please ask how to get her back? please??  

I know some of you may call me scum etc, thats fine I am, but I seriously want my wife back next to me im willing to do anything for this but I want her back please?

[UnsureMS]

This to me sounds like an emotional connection and I see why your wife is hurt. Your wife needs to know that she is the only one for you and counseling is good advice. Also, you probably should cutout gaming for good. What I don't get is why your gaming life became part of your phone life.

These women in here probably don't game much but my husband and me use to. A conversation always lead to figuring out where someone lived and while it was basic city and state. Those conversations never lead to phone conversations. I am not trying to make you feel horrible, just really think why did you talk to this female so much. Your emotional ties should be to your wife. That is what hurt me more then sexual ties being broken. So when you say it wasn't physical that doesn't matter. The emotions that you were showing towards this woman is what hurt the most.

Before you get to talking to your wife really make sure of just how sorry you are. If there was truly nothing with the other woman then the pictures that you sent would have never been sent. The casual jokes may have been you just being a guy but causal mentioning meeting her was more. I think you want to be this great guy that wasn't thinking of what it would be like to be another woman, but I think deep down you had to have thought about it.

If you really want your wife back...that is going to take time. She feels hurt and betrayed and some woman feel once a cheater always cheater. You have to prove just how sorry you are. You have to prove just how much you want her and only her. And prove your love for her.

So...are you willing to give up gaming?
Are you willing to admit that you were wrong?
Are you willing to treat her like a queen?
And most important do you get that she should be the only woman you have emotional ties with?

If you can answer all these with yes and can prove them through your actions then try to get a hold of her. Tell her you need to talk to her, tell her you will do anything to make this better. And act on every promise you make.

I am sorry but it sounds like some of this story has been told. You say you did everything for her but was it just during special holidays and events, or were you about her every day? Like I said emotional ties are much greater then sexual ties. Please think about all this.

[specialmom]

I think londres and Stacey make some good sense.  Understand what they are saying and it is something to add into your thinking for sure.  

Definitely seek counseling with her if at all possible!!

[Stacey_80]

Just show your sincerity in apologizing. Be truthful in showing how sorry you are. It might take time but I'm sure she would eventually forgive you.

[Kermit the Hermit]

you need to cut video games start fresh flowers

she is your queen and held high and protected

look old knight cod military chilvery all that up it a lifestyle

me its my life not words

i write my wife peoms i take her on date nights

i buy her collectables she loves

they are the center they are all time and atten we have free

me im disabled so i clean laundry what my body will handle that day

we are in counseling she grew up in a house the parents hated each other mom was verbally abused slave

so she has to go wit me to counseling she has said i never felt this good or special and other stuff

but also space we cant smother them mine she has tv i dont like tv didnt grow in a house with it

make her your flower on a pedistal show her a big differance make it yourlifestyle

she will think sure just to get me back you got to prove its forever

unlock everything phone pc laptop

i know my wifes ahe knows mine others dispute this but its true secreats even not your business can drive wedges

i know no matter how late from work she is or if i dissapear

we both know for sure that we will be home and not cheat

best wishes want more from a man just ask or pm me

my ex filled mental abuse divorce on me and screwed the town

[Londres70]

Is couples' therapy an option?  

You were pretty much having an emotional affair with this other woman.  Even though it wasn't anything physical is was none the less just as painful.

[Nukkiweda]

Thanks a lot for the answers,

I had cut off speaking to the girl almost in middle of March, besides a few hello’s but I had not deleted the conversations from my phone assuming I did nothing wrong, but then we were on a Euro trip and during that time I had sent few pictures to her and then at one point she had messaged me saying she was sexually assaulted, and that time I had messaged her twice / thrice saying hope you are ok and that please speak to someone around you as I can be of no help being 1000s of Miles away, so Wife thinks this was my emotional bonding with her or love for her that I was concerned about someone whose face also I did not see, While I can’t agree to it, I assumed as a general human if someone got in trouble and I know them in some form a matter like this would be a concern? Or am I wrong?

Also just few days before she went through my phone, she said I have done for her more than even her dad, but now she says ‘Cheating’ negates everything, and she is not even willing to go counselling. About how our lives were it was mostly just about fun, we travelled almost every month to some place, always was her shoe shopper always was her support to her emotions, her dad was not speaking to her for a long time, I was successfully able to make them unite,

Another problem is there have been times I have Spoken for quite long times, and while I have not met her once there is a Brief mention saying ‘Ok we will meet’ but that was done in a casual form, (I know it’s wrong, not defending myself) but point is I still wish I could figure how to make her know I won’t repeat this ever in any ways.

This is how it stands as of now,

I don’t speak to that other person, at all, have not spoken since the day my wife read all chats,

Wife wants to file for separation saying once a cheater always a cheater

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Sorry this has happened.  I think about my husband and how I'd feel if he took time out to chitty chat and joke around with another woman that I didn't know about.  . . .   Okay, hurt, ticked off and quite suspicious.

Were you having an emotional affair?  What was in those conversations for you?  That is something you need to think about so you can tell her.  And tell her that you will seek 'that' from her.  If it was a rush, a sense of feeling alive, the feeling of having someone attracted to you, someone who sees you as funny and cool rather than someone that one has grown used to, etc.  

I think you just come clean about it and why you were doing it and that you will never do it again.  Balls then in her court.  I hope it works out.  peace

[thatquietgirl]

I wouldn't take this as cheating so much as a guy being a guy and making jokes.  So long as you're not outright discussing sex and it was some passing joke and no emotional or physical attachment was formed.... Nothing you did sounds like cheating to me unless you're leaving something major out.

However, to your wife it does.  Unfortunately, none of us are going to have the knowledge for how you can win her back.  Text her asking if you can talk or if she needs some space.  Respect her space if she asks for it and approach her when she is ready to talk.  Explain to her that you are very sorry for what you did and did not intend to hurt her.  Ask her what you can do to help her feel able to trust you again, ask her if you can date her.  I know it sounds silly, but you are clearly not going to be able to go straight back to husband/wife like nothing happened.  So, court her if she lets you.  Treat her with respect, meet her demands (within reason), etc.  You're going to have to follow her lead on this.  Only she can tell you how to win her back.