32 yrs. I thought it was a good marriage. We were "best friends", enjoyed doing things together. Then it all changed. I get it that it is related to his "mid-live crisis" and have jouralized trying to figure out what went wrong. It's really impossible to place blame entirely on him and i can see areas where i've made my own contributions to his boredom with me. Basically, i have to come to grips that all of my hopes and dreams and what i thought our lives would be isn't going to happen. I've thought about sucide, seriously. I just can't imagine not goi.ng forward in this vaccum. We have grown children and if i did kill myself it would really hurt them and i don't want that. He isn't interested in makeing even the slightest effort to make things better and i can't make it happen. I can't "fix" it, he doesn't love me anymore, said he hadn't loved me for a long time, can't stand to be around me, etc. If it's another woman, there's nothing i can do about that. Even if its a relationship that isn't working for him, it'll be someone else eventually. I've cried a river of tears, begged him not to leave me and all of that was useless. I'm trying to find a job, any job (but who wants to hire a 66 year old woman?) I'm scared on how i will be able to support myself. I can't affort counciling... i can't discuss it with my children, i have a few friends but its just to difficult to discuss it because i start crying. i feel like i just need to stay away from everyone. He's coming to get some of this things soon and i don't know if i can stand to see him and definately not speak to him. I made a list of things i need from him, the house keys, the mail box key, the gate opener, and intend to have a cop here when he comes. This only makes him more angry and he says cruel stuff to me. Now there is no going back, i have to figure out how to move forward. I pray for God to show me the way. But honestly, i just can't deal with the loss, its just so vast.
I wish I was there to give you a hug and tell you day by day. My husband of 30 years left 6 weeks ago and like you I considered killing myself, but I just kept thinking about my kids and the thought of them gets me through the bad times. You will cry some more and you will be angry and sad and you wont be able to control yourself and these are all normal feelings and reading your story felt like I was reading mind. I stood up one day and said "I REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM" and everytime I want to cry I stay this. I have messages around my house to remind me that I am beautiful, confident and I am not a victim. You need to get up go for a walk, I joined a gym and I love it (never exercised in my life) I have lost weight and everyday my thoughts of him are getting less. I am always happy around the children even if it kills you, they need to know you are ok. They can see what is happening and my kids spend a lot more time with me now because I am happy and they father is always angry so they only spend 2 to 3 hours at his house but stay with me for days. They will be what gets you through, if you have grandchildren start taking them out for day trips this will cheer you up and get you out of the house. I have decided never to take him back but doesn't mean I dont miss him, I miss him every second but I refuse to be his victim. I and you deserve better, I look forward to talking to you and helping you through this tuff time. Good Luck!
Thank you so much for your words on encouragement. Sincerely this is the first time i've felt some sense of hope. My children are all grown. I had three kids, who he raised, before we were married, later we adopted three other children that he never had any attachment to. As those kids became adults they experienced all sorts of problems, drug addiction, jail time, but he wouldn't allow me to have a relationship with them. Now i can be a part of their lives and hopefully i'll be able to help them to build a life for themselves, knowing that they are loved unconditionally. Yes, i do have grandchildren and they are very special to me and they know that i love them, children can tell when they're loved. I know that the difficult part isn't over yet but I am strong, I will not be a victum and I can take care of myself and this ranch. God Bless you elv, i'm thankful to have you for a friend.
My ex was the same with my two older boys and now I am in contact with them again and our relationships is getting stronger, I know how hard it can be to run a ranch I always have a small farm (ranch) which he wants to take off me....no way....I am so happy to hear that you are getting stronger. I will help you all the way... I check this site everyday so feel free to talk.....we will become strong together...we dont need them, we are strong, beautiful, confident and independant women and in 5 years we will be so happy and our men will be living in misery and we will just smile and keep walking.....well done... talk soon.
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