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How can I succeed? Please help!

My girlfriend and i officially brokeup about two weeks ago. March 19th is the official date but we had an altercaion in the mall ten days prior on the 9th. I will give you all the tail end of the situation to save some time and reading. Brief background first, our relationship was very volatile. We argued just about everyday, and almost always over the smallest and stupidest things. The only big issue that we had was that she didnt trust me. I've never cheated or lied to her but she ALWAYS assumed I was talking to other girls. I've never cheated a day in my life. So we would argue about that sometimes too.

On to what happened in March...
We had an altercation in the mall on the 9th. When we parted I never called her when I got home for the first time since we got together. I figured that she would most likely go see her friend to tell her what happened and she wouldnt answer my call anyway, so I was going to give her a couple days this time. Two days later on the 11th I get hate mail from her (Totally unexpected) I got an email saying how much of a waste of time I was and I am worthless and I'm a ***** with high emotions and she is done with me and she is never looking back and I was a good joke for her friends and family, etc. I tried calling right after I read the message but no answer. I left voice mails and then sent a stupid email pretty much confirming the breakup saying things like sorry I couldnt be the man you wanted me to be and Im sure you'll find someone right for you etc. Stupid! I called my friend Cammy to tell her what happened and get her advice, thats when Cammy tells me that my girlfriend called her earlier on that day looking for me. She said my girlfriend told her that we had an argument in he mall but I never called so she doesnt know if I'm safe or what. I suffered hard from the 11th to the 19th because she would not talk to me. This was the worst. I got my friends to call her, my aunt from Georgia called her, even my mother called her and left a message saying to call her back but she didnt. I called her on the 19th and se answered. It was the worst conversation of my entire life. She cut me up bad. I was crying and begging and pleading and she just didnt care. The conversation lasted approx 5 or 6 hours. She hung up on me a few times but kept picking up when I called back.

The coversation got worse when she made me three way a girl on the line whom she thought I was trying to mess with. This was an old work friend who I recieved and email from a few weeks prior asking how I was and we should catch up. My girlfriend didnt believe that I recieved an email from her so she made me three way her to make her admit sending me an email. To my amazement she denied sending me the email. She swore up and down that she didnt send me an email because she doesnt have a contact for me. I couldnt understand why she was saying that. Then my girlfriend jumps in and started saying whatever she had to. So now it looked like I was lying her. I discovered the next day that the email I recieved wasnt from who I thought i was but from someone else whom I used to go to school with that has the same name just spelled differently. Anyway, she called me all sorts of horrible names and hung up on me for the last time.

After experiencing that, after losing all my dignity and self respect, I was upset. I sent her one of the worst emails I ever sent anyone. I never called her a ***** or **** or ***** or anything like that but I said some extremely horrible things. I told her that if God ever made a mistake it would be her and that they say the devil couldnt breth life but she is living testimony to the contrary and so on. I thought that after experiencing how cold and heartless she could be it wouldnt be hard to get over her.But that feeling only lasted a day. After that I went right back to crying and all the pain. Its so much worse now. I havent had any contact with her since the 20th when I sent that email. How could I contact her after that? But I regret it and I want to fix it. I just want to talk to her and explain things and try and bring things back to how they used to be in the beginning.

We had A LOT of good times, even in spite of all the arguing and disagreeing, we had what I believe is worth saving and believe it or not we've made it through worse. I want to let her know and believe that I am sorry and that I have realized and learned so much since we broke up and I still want to be with her and work on our isses together. I dont want to build this and go through this with anyone else. I cry every single day and I dont get enough sleep. I dream about her every night (which is freaky) and no matter how hard I try I can only seem to think about and remember the good in our relationship. How do I fix what I've done. How do I get her to at least talk to me civilly and cordially? Someone please give me some ideas.

This is my plan so far...

1. On approx April 20th or so I am going to hand write and mail a short letter to her just basically saying that I agree with the breakup and that she made a wise choice and it needed to happen and just briefly metioning that I have been making a lot of changes and admit my mistakes and briefly apologize. Also going to let her know that if she still wishes to have nothing to do with me I will respect and understand that.

I know she wont respond to this but this will just be to open the floor, Put me back in her mind, assuming she is not thinking about me.

2. A few days after that, I will again hand write a formal letter of apology. stating that I want to make peace with her and that I take full responsibility for the things I've done and said and explain how I was feeling and that I have changed as a result of the couseling I've been recieving (which we talked about getting in the relationship).

I dont think she will respond to this either

3. Then I am going to send her a very unique package with a very unique gift. A gift that will last forever (Literally) or at least thousands of years to come. I am going to attach a poem to this gift as well as a relevant added gift to compliment the package.

4. Last I am going to include an invitation to somewhere very special that will accent the gift. Maybe then we can talk.

What do you all think? an I get her back? :'(
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Once you tell someone "if God ever made a mistake it would be her and that they say the devil couldnt breth life but she is living testimony to the contrary and so on," you have closed the door, locked it, and thrown away the key forever.  

Write her only one, dignified letter, saying you really, really regret the horrible things you said, and understand why she walked away because she didn't deserve that.  Then, LEAVE HER ALONE.  Get some counseling to see why you are so drawn to these high-fighting, high-conflict, immature relationships.  Fix yourself.  Maybe if you see her around in a year, say hi.  But LEAVE HER ALONE.  All the plotting of a 4-step list and stuff you are naming with unique gifts and apologies that are halfway meant to hook her in again, are manipulations on your part.  Some people love high drama because it feels sexy to them.  Some men like to control things and hate it when the woman finally walks away.  None of this is good relationship material.  Walk away, get your counseling, take it seriously instead of trying to make it into some kind of chip you can use to get her back, and later, when you have more of a clue about how to be in a non-manipulative relationship, find someone who is right for you and you are good enough for.
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't feel you owe this girl anything, and most of all an apology!  Her treatment of you speaks volumes about what type of person she is, and it's not the kind you could have built a relationship on.  She hurt you far more than your statement did her, and she knows you were just lashing out.  To write her another letter is just asking for trouble, it's time to put a period on this whole thing.  My God, you've cried and begged all while she made fun of you and yet you feel because of one statement....you should apologize...no way!  She has disrespected you in so many ways, and she does not deserve an apology. Think of what you want and deserve out of a woman, certainly not this.  Often when in a situation like this, one tends to remember the good times more than the bad and concentrates on that.  The more you get pushed away by the person...the more you want her.  You called this relationship "volatile" and that's not what any relationship should be like, and if there is no trust...it's just one big headache.  What this woman has done to you is verbal abuse which can do as much harm if not more than physical abuse.  She won't stop until you are void of all self respect and confidence. You need to decide today to put this all behind you and move on.  You will meet someone more deserving of you and who will trust you in every way.  While trying to get this woman back, your life is passing you by, don't let this happen.  Have no regrets.....you tried your best and in the face of all her name calling and disrespect...you lashed out....so what?  She has not earned your respect and anyone in your situation would probably have said a lot worse.  Don't keep the abuse going, your silence will speak volumes to her, she doesn't need to see anything in writing.  It's over and you deserve better than this.  Best wishes.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well,  I have to just go on what you have written here--------- definately sounds like a tumultous or volatile relationship as you called it.  Up and down and down and up.  

But here is the important thing about dating.  You learn from experiences.  This has taught you something.  First of all, don't let constant arguing go on.  It is unhealthy and really makes a relationship one in which big blow ups happen more easily.  Second, using your words to hurt (even when typing them out) is a very detrimental way of handling a problem.  You can never take words back.  I remember the most hurtful things my husband has ever said to me.  I've forgiven him but it is hard to get those words out of your head.  Some people never get over it and the tape of someone you love saying awful things plays over and over in your head.  So not worth it and it is an immature way of showing your emotion.  Many react with anger when they are really hurt so they aren't even really acurately expressing themselves.  So--------- don't do that.  

I agree with AnnieBrooke that a handwritten letter to apologize to her is a good idea.  The old addage that two wrongs don't make a right is true here.  She behaved badly and you trumped her with your nasty email.  I personally think apolozing whenever we do the wrong thing is a good idea because if we have remores in our hearts---------  we should express it.  It may go nowhere.  She may be long gone and not care at all---------  but that doesn't mean you shouldn't express your remorse for writing her a cruel email.  (one you didn't mean, by the way.)  So even if you do not get back together, at least there will be less animosity between the two of you.  So write that letter.

I also agree that your plan should unfold as time goes on.  Most likely the two of you won't get back together.  I'm sorry if that hurts--------- and I know it does.  But if there is a chance that it will----------  things will have to change.  You can't carry on and fight on a regular basis.  Learn to communicate with your partner (her or the next girl you get together with).  If someone is routinely insecure and thinks you are lying and cheating------  you need to get to the bottom of this.  If it has absolutely nothing to do with the way you've conducted yourself, then the problem is the girl.  And the girl needs to address it.  If she won't, then she may not be serious relationship material for you.  Dating is for finding out the things you need to know about someone to move the relationship to the next level.

But I will tell you this.  Dating should be fun.  Relationships---------  that are less than 2 years old should not be such hard work.  If it is--------- something is wrong and it might not be a great match.  You want to make a great match so the relationship can go the distance.  Just something to think about.

Write your apology letter and leave it open ended if she ever wants to talk.  But don't pursue her after that.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
You sound like my ex. I am in no way trying to manipulate her into getting back with. Actually, that is not even want right now. I just want to talk. After the way things ended and how much we used to argue I would never suggest getting back together right now. I just want to start things over again.

And who puts that much work into being manipulative? What type of person suffers as much as I am right now only to be manipulative? I love her Annie. I made a mistake and reacted based on pure emotion. Emotions of pain and anger.

And all this hoopla about liking drama because it makes some people feel sexy, that's nuts! I am NOT that kind of person. I truly, deeply love her, Annie. I messed up really bad and I am goi g to do what I can to make it ok. I would never go through all this just to be manipulative. Thats sick.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi Mr. Hurt.  Well,  I don't know if it is the case with you or not---------  I did write my own advice to you, however, I think what anniebrooke is saying hit a nerve of sorts with you.

It is absolutely true that some feed off of a volatile relationship.  Why else would anyone stay with someone they fought with on a regular basis?  The majority of people would run from such a situation and when they don't, one must look at why in order to break the pattern.  That is what anniebrook is referring to.  There is a reason why you've stayed in a dysfunctional relationship for as long as you have and you want to get back together for her.  Love is not the reason no matter how much your mind wants to convince you otherwise.  Because love is not volatile.  I use love as a verb------------ by the repeated actions I take with my husband to show him how I feel about him.  If your repeated actions are to bicker, that says something.  

The only way we grow and mature (and saying that we all have to mature isn't a cut down---------  many go to their grave as blue hairs with room to mature) is to self reflect.  I do agree with anniebrooke that you should do some self reflection and figure out what was attractive about this whole thing.  Was it your first relationship?  Are you afraid to be alone?  Was the up and down of it all (yes, the drama) exciting?  Are either your or her skills in communication so rudimentary that this seemed normal to you to fight and have blow ups?  You really have to be honest with yourself in order to either move past this relationship or make it better should you happen to get back together with her.

And the plotting and planning on how to get your ex back is what I believe anniebrooke is referring to.  From an unbiased view, I too think it is a mistake to spend time working on this plan.  You need to just send the apology letter and make your plan as it goes.  Otherwise it falls into the category of obsessive thought.  And . . . the plotting/scheming is something that our subconscious will make us do when we have lost control of something.  That is where the word manipulative comes into play.  It is not an insult. I think you are reacting to what's happened on a base level and trying to fix/control it.  Some things can't be fixed.  

I know you are hurting and hope you have some good friends to support you through this.  I have found keeping a journal to write feelings out to be very helpful and therapeutic.  I also think exercising is important at these times in our lives.  It fills up time (which feels like we have too much of when we are heart broken) and also releases the brain's natural "happy" chemical to help us with our mood.  Also good for our health overall.  

I do wish you luck and know that those who post here do so in order to be helpful.  Sometimes we don't like what they say but if we take it in the vein it was intended, we won't get upset about it.  
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@specialmom

I can assure you that I do not want to get back with her forthe possible reasons stated, whether conscious or unconscious. I am certainly not afraid of being alone. My ex before her and only girlfriend I had before her was almost eight years ago. I am content with being alone. I enjoy myself and my own. Company. And I most definitely did not like the "drama." I am not and never was used to relationships like that, so no, I didn't like it. The reason why I want to fix things so badly is because despite the negative I mentioned there was a world of good in the relationship. We had a connection that I can't even begin to explain. We got along great other times and our lives were so close, almost one and the same. I know what love is, what it feels like and how to identify it, and I do love her, with every fibre of my being.

As for this reflection you guys are talki g about, that is what I am taking this time to do. Reflect and better myself and correct and change the thi gs about myself that hurt her and upset her when we were together. I would not consider this scheming. Scheming implies maliciousness and trickery and dishonesty, the only reason why I am "planning" this all out is because I made a Terrible, terrible mistake by sending that email and I want my attempt to be just right. I do want to do this on the fly and risk making it worse or doing and saying the wrong thing. Also, I have sent sincere and heartfelt apologies before. She knows how I speak and how I am, I want this to be different. I want her to really see and believe that I have changed which I am.

I do appreciate what you all are saying, please don't misinterperet my responses as being on the defensive. I agree when you say that a relationship shouldn't be like that, but I am a fighter. And when I love someone I really truly love them and will fight and work through just about anything to keep us together. There was a time when love and marriage was that sacred. I feel that too many people leave their relationship too easily and abandon and give up on all they have built and been through with that person. If all my efforts fail, I will leave her alone, but not before I make a dedicated and genuine (not manipulative) effort to fix things.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, I appreciate what you are saying.  I will tell you that I've been married 11 years and together 14 total with my husband.  I believe in the vows I took and we do work through all of our problems.  However,  one thing I take seriously is picking a good mate to begin with.  When people fight about little things constantly----------- this is a huge issue.  I'd look at that aspect of your relationship and that is where the real problems you need to fix lay.  On a day to day basis, I guess there are a lot of little things I could get upset and bicker with my  husband about . . . I guess.  But I feel no need to do that.  Nor does he.  So, we have a peaceful home.  I think it is important that a couple have this kind of peace.  If you and your girlfriend didn't-------------  then this is something to look at.  Communication is so important as is expressing ourselves in the right way.  And the bottom line is that two people can be toxic to one another and never be able to live in peace together.  These are the situations it is best to try and recognize and walk away from.  I don't know if this was your girlfriend or not--------  but there is that possibility.  So yes, that is where self reflection comes into play so that you can make wiser decisions in the future.  To me, what you describe is different than fighting for a relationship-------- it is just fighting.  Not really fun and will eventually grow very old to one or both parties involved.  

I still think you are feeling out of control over what has happened and your mind is churning to take control back------- hence the plan.  That's alright, do what you must.  Maybe it will work and maybe it will not.  But and this is a big BUT---------  focus on what was wrong with this relationship before the big fight and the email you sent.  Those day to day battles and her jealousy/insecurity were true issues to think about.  

Hope it works out as you like.  Marriage is really hard work.  It isn't suppose to be this difficult during the dating phase!  Remember that.  Best of luck to you and PEACE!
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973741_tn?1342346373
And by the way, would you describe yourself as what they call a "hot head"?  This is where you react very quickly and with some anger to things big and small.  Many are like this and they really benefit from some anger management techniques to control it.  Then they aren't flying off the handle so quickly about things that don't matter too much.  Just curious if this could help you.
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@ specialmom

I completely agree with you. I feel a couple should have that kind of peace as well, and believe me I've tried. Maybe I wasn't trying In the right way to communicate, a way that would have been effective for her. There were so many emotions on my part. I couldnt properly organize my thoughts and formulate my words. And I have tried countless times to walk away or leave the situation when things were becoming unbearable, but she never understood that sometimes I needed time to cool down and think and just relax so that could come back with a level and calm head so that we could have a decent and productive conversation.

Now one thing I want to say specialmom is that, trust me, I am not fighting for no reason. Please believe me and trust me when I say that I do genuinely love her very deeply. It's not fair for anyone to tell or imply or suggest to another that they are not in love. The emotion is different for everyone. I love her for a paramount of reasons that I would need a novel and a year to explain. Yes, agreed, we argue more than what most would say is healthy and agree with and many would advise to discontinue. But our arguments are just that, arguments and that is not enough for me to give up on her or on us. She hasn't cheated, I haven't cheated, she hasn't lied to me in a major, detrimental way and I haven't lied to her. Our issues may be frequent but small, and I know and can see how incredible our relationship together can be were we able to solve and move passed the petty arguing. THAT is what I fight for.

I am not in a relationship for control. I believe in equality in a relationship. If I wanted or needed control in whatever form I would be by myself. You're right this may or may not work out, and like I said before, if after all this she still wants nothing to do with me then I will cease and move forward. But not before I put forth a valiant effort to save what I love so dearly and deeply.

And no, I am certainly not a hot head. It takes time before I lose my temper. I have lost my temper seeral times with her, but not instantly. It's a gradual process. Still, I shouldn't be losing my temper at all. At least not with the woman whom I claim to love so much. I am looking into anger management to help me with that. :)
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@ mammo

You sound exactly like my friends. I want to clarify before I get into what I want to say, I don't want you to think that my better judgement is clouded by my feelings for her and the pain I am in. I agree with everything you said, but simultaneously I have to look at it from her point of view as well. I really upset her. I embarrassed her in the mall, and I never called her for two days, I broke my promises, etc. So while the things she did and said were horrible, she didn't say them for no reason at all. I really hurt her. And I made it astronomically worse with that email. I love her so much and love what we had (the good I mean) and I just wanna go back to that or maybe not back to that but a new place with her, a better place. I want to stick with her and work through everything. I want to be there for her and help her with whatever issues she may have. That, to me, is just a part of many parts to what loyalty and devotion is. This, to me, is not when you leave, but when you stay strong fo the relationship and for your partner. Imagine if you can how incredible and much deeper our connection and bond would if we could make it through this. Do you understand what I am trying to say?
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Avatar_f_tn
@ mammo

You sound exactly like my friends. I want to clarify before I get into what I want to say, I don't want you to think that my better judgement is clouded by my feelings for her and the pain I am in. I agree with everything you said, but simultaneously I have to look at it from her point of view as well. I really upset her. I embarrassed her in the mall, and I never called her for two days, I broke my promises, etc. So while the things she did and said were horrible, she didn't say them for no reason at all. I really hurt her. And I made it astronomically worse with that email. I love her so much and love what we had (the good I mean) and I just wanna go back to that or maybe not back to that but a new place with her, a better place. I want to stick with her and work through everything. I want to be there for her and help her with whatever issues she may have. That, to me, is just a part of many parts to what loyalty and devotion is. This, to me, is not when you leave, but when you stay strong fo the relationship and for your partner. Imagine if you can how incredible and much deeper our connection and bond would if we could make it through this. Do you understand what I am trying to say?
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Avatar_f_tn
@ mammo

You sound exactly like my friends. I want to clarify before I get into what I want to say, I don't want you to think that my better judgement is clouded by my feelings for her and the pain I am in. I agree with everything you said, but simultaneously I have to look at it from her point of view as well. I really upset her. I embarrassed her in the mall, and I never called her for two days, I broke my promises, etc. So while the things she did and said were horrible, she didn't say them for no reason at all. I really hurt her. And I made it astronomically worse with that email. I love her so much and love what we had (the good I mean) and I just wanna go back to that or maybe not back to that but a new place with her, a better place. I want to stick with her and work through everything. I want to be there for her and help her with whatever issues she may have. That, to me, is just a part of many parts to what loyalty and devotion is. This, to me, is not when you leave, but when you stay strong fo the relationship and for your partner. Imagine if you can how incredible and much deeper our connection and bond would if we could make it through this. Do you understand what I am trying to say?
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Avatar_f_tn
@ mammo

You sound exactly like my friends. I want to clarify before I get into what I want to say, I don't want you to think that my better judgement is clouded by my feelings for her and the pain I am in. I agree with everything you said, but simultaneously I have to look at it from her point of view as well. I really upset her. I embarrassed her in the mall, and I never called her for two days, I broke my promises, etc. So while the things she did and said were horrible, she didn't say them for no reason at all. I really hurt her. And I made it astronomically worse with that email. I love her so much and love what we had (the good I mean) and I just wanna go back to that or maybe not back to that but a new place with her, a better place. I want to stick with her and work through everything. I want to be there for her and help her with whatever issues she may have. That, to me, is just a part of many parts to what loyalty and devotion is. This, to me, is not when you leave, but when you stay strong fo the relationship and for your partner. Imagine if you can how incredible and much deeper our connection and bond would if we could make it through this. Do you understand what I am trying to say?
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Avatar_f_tn
I totally agree with the other's posts. This isn't and never has been a healthy relationship. Nobody should have to endure the kind of disrespect, arguing, etc that the two of you have.  I don't think there is enough between the two of you to work thru this.  But you are going to do what ever you want regardless, and you will endure this disrespect until she finds another...and she will.  A very loving, and happy relationship is worth fighting for, this isn't one of those.  Think about it, what are you fighting for?  More distrust, arguing, and name calling?  You have to do what you feel is right, and I wish you luck.  But I think you're setting yourself up for a big disappointment.  A good relationsahip is built on love, trust and respect and I don't see any of this here.
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@ mammo

You sound exactly like my friends. I want to clarify before I get into what I want to say, I don't want you to think that my better judgement is clouded by my feelings for her and the pain I am in. I agree with everything you said, but simultaneously I have to look at it from her point of view as well. I really upset her. I embarrassed her in the mall, and I never called her for two days, I broke my promises, etc. So while the things she did and said were horrible, she didn't say them for no reason at all. I really hurt her. And I made it astronomically worse with that email. I love her so much and love what we had (the good I mean) and I just wanna go back to that or maybe not back to that but a new place with her, a better place. I want to stick with her and work through everything. I want to be there for her and help her with whatever issues she may have. That, to me, is just a part of many parts to what loyalty and devotion is. This, to me, is not when you leave, but when you stay strong fo the relationship and for your partner. Imagine if you can how incredible and much deeper our connection and bond would if we could make it through this. Do you understand what I am trying to say? 
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973741_tn?1342346373
As I don't think you understood my posts, I officially will just wish you luck.  

I am thinking that you would benefit greatly from a therapist that can help you sort out what is healthy in a relationship and what isn't as well as communication styles that work.  Consider starting some counseling.  good luck
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@specialmom

I apologize if you felt disrespected or your input was unappreciated in any way. I agree with most of everything that you said and thank you for the vote of good luck. I do love her, so very much an I know what our relationship is like without the arguing, and that's what I am "fighting" for. I was just hoping you all could understand that. If my efforts fail I will certainly leave her alone. But not before I try and do all that I can to get the love of my life back. Specialmom please believe me when I say that I do appreciate you taking the time you have to give me your advice and opinion I do respect it more than it may seem and I apologize for not getting back sooner. 
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, good luck Mr. Hurt. Any advice I've given here is my best thoughts on how to have the happiest and healthiest life you can.  I hope all works out for you.  
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