How do you take the first step...

If you have been following my story, I need some advice from people who have been through it....I know what I have to do to start living my life better, but I am to scared to leave the house encase no one likes me....I have zero confidence and how do you make the first steps to freedom.....I really want to but I am so scared of rejection from everyone.....Linda

[squirt1967]

I am new here & haven't followed your story but....You need to start by getting away even if you have to be alone it is better than living with someone who makes you unhappy or worse abuses you physically or mentally.  Which is where I was 2 years ago he constantly was telling me how bad a person I was and everything I was doing wrong.  Which I realize like many I am not perfect but everything I was doing I was trying to please him and keep him happy.  NOTHING worked.  Now I feel a lot better about myself  I don;t have near as much stress as before.  I have more confidence but still working everything.

[specialmom]

Hi.  Well, there are lots of women in your shoes and men too.  Divorce these days is nothing new.  This isn't to trivialize your situation in any way but to make you feel less alone.  

Getting involved is a good way to get out there.  If you can afford it, having a place to go to for working out is a great thing to invest in.  I made one of my best friends of all time in an aerobics class.  Two times a week we would stand in the same area of the studio and started talking more and more.  Turns out we had a lot in common and became dear friends.  Neither one of us belong to that gym anymore but our friendship remains.  What I found at a work out facility is that a lot of people will chat and this gives us good practice for 'being out in the real world.'.  It is all in the name of being friendly----  not like it is a meat market or something like that.  I have also found over the years that people of all shapes and sizes go to the gym and once they go regularly, they seem to make friends.  

If you are faithful at all, churches are great places to build a network of support and friends.  A bible study group is a great way to build friendships.  Support groups are really helpful too.  Reaching out to people and inviting them for a coffee is a simple thing to do to further build connections.  

Join a book club or a wine tasting group or whatever floats your boats.  Just keep your eyes open for things to join. When doing things you like, you'll meet people with common interests.   I also like taking classes as a good way to learn something I'm interested in while being around other people in a less intimidating way.  

You'll be okay.   This is a big life change and it takes time to be comfortable with it.  But you'll get there.  Peace.

[Londres70]

I was actually in nursing school during my divorce, so that kept me PLENTY busy.  It kept me focused on me and not him.  Of course, I went through the array of feeling sad, upset, etc., however, I had to "keep it together" because I was trying to accomplish something for me and establish a career.  

Figure out interests or activites you might like to do or try in the form of a club or organization.  Volunteering is a great way to get your mind off your situation and help others.  I had to do some volunteering for my Nursing program and met so many people in terrible, unfortunate situations that it made my divorce NOTHING compared to their issues.  So now, when I think "Woe is me"  I think of others that are in WAY WORSE situations than myself.  

Learn a new skill or a trade and work.  

Divorce is awful, but I don't consider it the "end of the world" and I didn't make it the "end of my world."

I would keeping working with your therapist to help you with your confidence issues.  

[elvy66]

Thankyou for all for you and your advice, I think the gym is a good idea, I am loosing weight and it would be good to tone up....I have been on my own for all most a week now...the kids moved out on Monday and it is strange I have been a mother since I was 14....I know I am still a mum but it seems different now and I cant wait to see how the kids live their lives....and I am close by and they come home everyday even if only for 5 minutes which is nice....or maybe it is just for my food....anyway...I had one day of tears and now I have been potting around the house and enjoying my company so I guess it is a good start and i have appointment with lawyer in the morning and councillor tomorrow afternoon, he says I am doing ok...better than ok so thankyou you all, so now it is time to incease my confidence....all takes times.....

[specialmom]

In some ways Linda, this is like the rebirt of YOU.  You can discovder who you are and that can be exciting.  Be authentic in your endeavor and I can't wait to hear how it goes.  You're going to be okay dear,  I know it.  

[Londres70]

Yes, you have been thrown alot of changes in a short period of time.  Sometimes, they are foreseen and sometimes not.  

Life is full of changes, good and bad, and without them I don't think we would grow and learn.

PM anytime.  

I've been where you are dear, not fun and definitely scary, but I feel I am a better person and I have learned so much about myself.  

That's why I post on this forum because I know how divorce actually feels because I have actually lived through one.  

[specialmom]

Again, glad that you are feeling a sense of renewel by this change and hope that at some point it will feel like a blessing to you.  Peace

[elvy66]

Thankyou so much, you have been a great support....it amazes me everyminute that complete strangers pour their heart out to help others and that just shows who has the biggest heart....and all big journeys take alot of courage and everyday my courage grows....so I will keep you up dated...

[elvy66]

I appreciate your comments because it is good to see someone can be happy after divorce....so please continue to help people, sometimes we may think we dont need to hear this.....but we do...you girls have stop me making silly mistakes and I have no mother so I do appreciate someone telling straight....once again thankyou...Linda

[2415stunned]

Hi,
This happened to me 1 week ago today.
Out of the blue, bottom drops out of my world. Mine hasnt left yet, just wanders around the house like some ghost of the man I once knew.
When hes at work or when I see my friend in the evenings, I am able to feel positive, about my future and my self, when I have to be around him I am stressed and upset. He is supposed to be leaving next week thank God!
I do dread being left alone to care for our seven year old on my own, but it has got to be better than  living like this!

I loved the comment you made about "enjoying your own company" it triggered a memory for me which made me feel soo much better when I was feeling so low.

When my Dad died five years ago,I had to fly back to the states ASAP, leaving the husband and our three children behind, the youngest only two years old at the time.On the flight back there was a problem with the plane and we were over nighted in hotels by the airline, given food vouchers, and another flight for seven the next evening.I woke up the next morning, with this strange feeling couldnt work it out,it was vaugely nice and peaceful.
I got back to the airport, and found myself rushing to the departure lounge speedwalking along the moving walkways,things rushing past my head in a blur, there was a display to the left of me  All about Martin Luther King and I thought to my self "Gee, I wish I had time to have a look at that!" Then it hit me, like a thunder bolt. I had Eight hours , all to my self. I had no one but me to think about for the next EIGHT HOURS! I had money food vouchers a really good book to read and for that day, I was free!! I could go back and look at that display really get to absorb it because I had no children to get bored and try to distract me, then I could do a bit of lesuirely shopping, get something to eat then sit down and read my book.
For nearly twenty years at that point, I had been Mum, Wife, Nurse, Auntie,all these other roles, and "ME" had gotten buried somewhere under there. For that day ME was out of the box,it was like meeting up with an old beloved friend I hadn't seen for a LONG time.
Any ways got home put on the old roles lived the next five years, and then "this" happened. Yes there  I was stunned, hurt and confused, then my old friend came back out put her arms around me, and it was like an epiphany.
I like the idea she can stay this time!
On good days anyways! lol!

[changenlife]

Elvy66,
I'm in the middle of my waiting period myself. I read your string of advice and there are lots of great ideas. I, myself, am still living under the same roof, so I try to find easy inexpensive things to do. I am desperately waiting for him to leave so I can spread my wings further. In the meantime, I find coming down to my local coffee-house on weekend mornings to be relaxing. In about a few visits here, I've met some really nice people. I am also continuing to visit the gym as often as I can and seeing the regulars there. I found that I just had to post here because I felt some similarities. Good luck to you.
Changenlife

[elvy66]

Thankyou for your input, I have left the town where my ex is with his little tart of 22yrs and he is 49, and I am now living in a town with no friends and no family except my children and i cant talk to them, they are having their own issues.  I just cant get out of the feeling of having no future...I gave 30 years to this man and he can just leave, just like that, what does that say about me....I just dont know what my future is I started a new job and the staff are really nice, but I dont even know if I want to teach again....nothing feels right....anymore...it has been 3 months and still nothing....