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How to cope with getting a divorce
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How to cope with getting a divorce

I cheated on my husband a year ago and we seperated. He went and got a young girl preganate while we were seperated. I wanted to work it out but he did not want to cut the relationship with the young girl. We have been married for 13yrs have three children and now he tells me the only way we can stay married is if I allow him to be with me when he wants and allow him to continue to be with her when he wants if not he wants a divorce. I love my husband and I want my marriage but not like this. How do I stop crying and go through with the divorce?
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there and welcome.  well, I think something to that helps is that in general, you might not have been all that satisfied and happy in the marriage.  You cheated and that is usually/often a symptom of things going on I a relationship.  Why do you think that you chose to cheat??  

In truth, we all make grave mistakes and they have consequences.  It hurts and I'm very sorry you are going through this.  He was given a window of opportunity during the separation.  He found someone else.  That certainly is painful, I'm sure.  

You obviously should not allow him to be with her and you at the same time.  I don't think that is healthy for you or your kids.  So, if you don't do that, he's telling you he wants a divorce.  This makes the decision much easier.  You aren't deciding on the divorce but just that you don't want to live with a man that has side cheese (as my husband's friends call the 'other' woman willing to put up with a man who has a wife and family).  Think about that . . .  would this woman be willing to share him too?  He's very presumptuous to think so.  Anyway, you don't have to settle for that.

I am sorry it is a hard time.  I wish you peace and luck
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1696489_tn?1370825574
OWCH!!!  Much as I hate to say this, it's time to put on your big-girl panties and remove this toxic man from your life.  You love him.  I get that.  Are you HAPPY with him as things stand?  NO.  That is what you have to work with, my dear.  Change is part of life, as much as we hate it.  I see that you are still plenty young enough to attract a man who is worthy of you.  Some men 30-40 years old would LOVE to have a wife who already has children he can help raise if he doesn't have his own.  I know you are far from ready for that sort of thinking.  My point is this: THERE IS LIFE AFTER DIVORCE.  Put those babies of yours FIRST, and do not use them as a bartering tool to get their father to do anything.  If he is a good father, but just a crappy husband, he should have visitation.  And he should pay support.  And you should get your chin off the floor and walk on with courage, away from him.  Concentrate on your kids and what they need, then do something for YOU.  He is not part of your universe anymore.  Time WILL heal this ugly thing.  In five years or less, you will have your life, and the lives of your children arranged in a way that suits you, and all will be well.  Until then put on that Viking hat with the Rhino Horns and get to WORK on this thing, Woman!  :-) - Blu  "We look small, weak, and not very smart.  MESS WITH A WOMAN AND YOU WILL HEAR HER ROAR AND FEEL HER BITE!  Amen!
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973741_tn?1342346373
Feel free to send me a message.  It doesn't have to be so dramatic as above.  I know it hurts because it came about due to your own cheating.  WE all make mistakes.  I would keep the drama and roaring to a minimum but instead just set a boundary.  If you want your marriage to work out----  set that boundary.  There is a chance that he will be with her briefly and come back to you.  That does happen.  And then you can go on to do some counseling together so that you can both heal from the hurts you've caused one another.  peace and good luck dear.  Here for you any time you need a shoulder to cry on.  
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134578_tn?1383690151
I don't think I would let a man back who wants to have his cake and eat it too, that he would even make such a suggestion when he already has children with you is preposterous and self-centered.  As special says, your marriage had issues before all of this happened, or you would not have had an affair, and it sounds like you have recalled your love for him more because you are frightened of being alone than really that it was all that great before.  He would really have to want to be with you alone, and you would really have to identify what went wrong before and fix it, before the two of your staying together would work.  And it just doesn't sound like it's going there.

Stay civil.  Maybe some day things will change, but right now, take your lumps, get the divorce, and build up a happy life that does not rely on him to keep you from fear of being alone.
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