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How to save my marriage after a gay affair
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How to save my marriage after a gay affair

I am 33 and my wife has just filed for divorce but I want to try at all costs to save my marriage.  She found out I was having a gay affair for two months, and prior to that had been making friends in the gay community for 5 months (without any sexual contact).  This would seem to be an open and shut case, but my infidelity stems from a long held childhood secret that no one ever knew until I had to confess it to my wife.  I was sexually abused by two boys when I was 9 years old.  I was not a popular kid and my parents had just gotten divorced.  One of the popular boys invited me over to join his froup of friends one day.  Two of the boys (aged 10 and 12) started touching me and kissing me.  I didn't know what to do so I went along It proceeded to oral sex.  I was told if I ever told no one would ever like me and my parents wouldn't love me anymore.  I went back over 50 times to the sexual contact over two years.   I had shame, guilt, and self-loathing ever since.  I have had attraction to girls and guys ever since but never acted on it with guys.  I fell in love with my wife and married 7 years ago.  We had a happy marriage until we found out she was infertile.  She withdrew sexually and I eventually withdrew emotionally.  I didn't understand how the infertility had truly affected her.  I pushed and pushed for intimacy but she was unable to recover for two years.  by that time I had withdrawn emotionally.  I couldn't put my demons of my childhood abuse down any longer and I acted out in the way I learned as a kid.  Now that I have had to come clean, I realize why I did what I did.  Freeing myself of the abuse has freed me of the self-loathing, but my wife does not believe she can be attracted to me again.  I don't believe I am gay and want to save my marriage.  What do I do?
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Honestly lets put things into perspective.  What happen when you were a child should have been dealt with before you got married.  I don't realy see how you can be straight one day and be dormaintly gay the next.  I have lots of gay friends and I enjoy hearing there trials and tribulations in relationships but one thing that I respect the most about them is that they are straight up and honest with themselves about who they are and they're honest with me.

You mention that you had a happy marriage until yall found out that she was infetile.  How about IVF or adoptions?  It is hard I must admit as a woman not being able to provide to her husband only a woman can do and that is produce a child (of course with your help) but we as woman feel like it completes a home and a marriage.  As a man you wouldn't understand how it feels but let me give you a scenario....How would you feel if you were impadent?  That's part of your manhood right?  Well wanting to have a child is our motherly instincts.  Had you've been a little more supportive by doing some research or providing other options maybe she would feel a little better.  I wont lie to you though she probably needs therapy...someone to talk to with someone she can relate to...and to make matters worse she caught you with a gay affair,,,,that's a double emotional whammy!

As a woman (to be honest with you) I don't realy see how you can overcome something like this.  We as woman have a hard enuf time trying to keep other woman away from our man and now you have her worrying that you might be attracted to other men.  Its not fair but some people when they hear this think about AIDs.  I say this because you leave yourself more open and suseptible for it to happen and I'm sure she's thought about it.  I have a friend who is HIV pos and he's gay and I couldn't tell you if he's honest with his partners or not about having it!  So with that being said you leave her with soo many questions...1. am I not enuf woman for him  2.  is it because I can't have children  3.  Should I be tested for HIV/AIDs or worry  4.  all this time and he never told me until now  5.  i gave this man 7 years of my life and I could have moved on than to waste my time with someone who wasn't fully interested in woman  6.  why wait until now to tell me something abou your past...she should have known prior to yall being married.....All these are just questions I would be asking myself about you.

I have a sister who is currently going threw divorce because he finally came out the closet when she walked in on him with another guy.  They were married 12 years.....12 years and now she feels like she wasted 12 years of her life with a man she thought she knew!  I hope I haven't offended you but you have some issues that should have been dealt with before you got married...I hope things work out for you but if you realy think that it will never happen again and you're willing to get some help maybe you can salvage but if you love her and you're not sure that you can put all of this aside than let her go but be her friend...she could use that from the emotional withdrawl (withdrawal)...meanwhile you should seek some help yourself....God bless!
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i am a substance abuse counselor day job.Been in the counseling field since 1979.I do not adhere to this bi-sexuality thing..i think people know WHAT gender they prefer sexually!i've had a lot of men over the years tell me they cheat on their wives...with other men....and it comes down to the phenomena of passing...faking being hetero in order to avoid the discrimination xperienced by many  when u step outta closet.U both need sound professional help!
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u go girl!i agree....Matty351 this is good advice here...2 much damage to be undone...get honest about ur life....and if u care about ur wife..let her move on emotionally,spiritually, and she needs to get checked medically!u 2!
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Avatar_f_tn
I can understand how your wife feels. I'm sure you love her and want to make things work but if she's not attracted to you anymore I can't see what you can do at this point. Teko is right, set her free.

On a more personal note, I think what you did to her was unforgiveable.  

Dove
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Avatar_f_tn
Can you get yourself and your wife into counciling together?  Whether you were with a man or a woman makes no difference in the fact that you cheated.  If your wife won't go to counciling, go by yourself to at least learn how to forgive yourself and move on with your life.  
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Avatar_f_tn
"Whether you were with a man or a woman makes no difference "

I so do not agree with that - the fact he was with a man means he might be gay - hetro men DO NOT sleep with guys. So yes, it DOES make a difference. You can possibly overcome an affair - But you can NOT overcome if he is gay, unless your a man too!
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks for your post. I appreciate your honesty.  I am so ashamed of what I have done.  I love her and I have told several friends what I did.   I am not ashamed anymore about what happened to me as a child.  None of this was her fault, but I truly hope she will try counseling with me, if not to save the marriage then at least to help both of us move on.  She is an amazing woman.  I wish I had dealt with this before my marriage.
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I think u should try counseling alone first and if she wishes to join u then so be it.This will be a long road of healing for u both.....ur honesty and sincerity in helping her move on is apparent.And u must live more of an honest life and try to find serenity...a arduous task..for this is a short life in retrospect!Best of luck to u both......please get the std testing.....and thank u for ur honesty here and weathering the myriad posts/opinions...that is what this is about!
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212795_tn?1194956174
Matty, I think you should go to counseling.  Ask your wife is she would be willing to go to couples counseling with you.  If she is, then maybe you can work on the relationship together.  In addition, although you have this out in the open, I think you should get individual counseling for yourself - you went through something very traumatic as a child and you are just now understanding the effects of it on your life.  I think there is a large emphasis on making you feel shame in this thread - and I already think you are there.  In addition, I think it takes a strong individual to humble themselves, admit there is a problem, and ask for help.  Good luck
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I have to agree with others that the fact that you had an affair with a man is significant.  I understand that you think you were acting out on past abuse and such, but a 2 month affair?  I think that might be something a little different.  I can understand your wife saying she isn't sure she can be attracted to you anymore, and I can understand your wife filing for divorce.  After all, she found out- not was confessed to, and it was with a man.  

You ask for advice on how to save your marriage- the only way you can is if your wife also wants to, and based off of her actions, I don't think that is the case.  You'll just have to move on.
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Avatar_m_tn
I see a lot of excuses here. Of course discovering she was infertile would affect your wife badly and you should have been more understanding rather than push her for sex. You're also old enough to have your days of experimentation long behind you: do you even realise the potential health dangers you placed her in through your experimentation? Your entire story sounds very self indulgent. Ultimately, in the end, you betrayed the trust of the woman who loved you and you weren't there for you when she needed you. Instead you were chasing men around town. Frankly, she deserves more.
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100019_tn?1335923317
I believe you can be forgiven.  Will your wife forgive you?  It's up to her/you/ and God.  God forgave Israel over and over.  Jesus said to forgive 70 times 7.  

It just depends on the commitment level you have to each other and how hard both of you are willing to work to put it behind you.

I believe your wife has a spiritual obligation to forgive you, but what I think and what you and wife think and do could be miles apart.

Good luck.
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MrsOckert

I am a Christian and I don't think his wife has a "spiritual obligation" to forgive him. We all have our trials and G-d forgives us all even if we fail.  

I would hope that his wife forgives him because she loves him and doesn't want to live without him in her life.

Matty351

I think I would be devastated if I were your wife.  She may never find you sexually attractive again, but  that is understandable since she never thought her man would be with another man. I would be repulsed as well.

Maybe you should apologize to her and identify with her problems and stop talking about your childhood so much.  She understands that by now. Talk about her and what she has gone through--not just you.

I don't think an affair of any kind means the end of a marriage.  I happen to have been married almost ten years now, and my husband and I are strongly against divorce.  

Maybe you can work it out, but try talking to her about HER.  

Good luck to you both.
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Avatar_f_tn
I went through the same thing with my husband and for the last five years I have really tried to hang in there. But who are you fooling...There is no way to save your marriage. My husband and I finally left eachother this year. We are starting out the year single. And you can't even imagine how painful this i for me. I now have a newborn baby that I would have to raise on my own.  I love my husband to death but I'm no longer willing to deal with the heartache of it all...You are gay and that is what happens when you get abused as a child...You are confused but unfortunately you should have gotten it out of your system before getting married...
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Avatar_f_tn
Save her the heartache, its better to leave it alone now...It will be a long road of recovery but I honestly understand your wife. There is no way she will ever be attracted to you and instead she will look onto other men for that satisfaction, are you willing to deal with that and be ok with it? I very much so doubt it. I say that it would be less hurtful for you guys to just leave it alone and go your own way
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Avatar_f_tn
I am going to say this again......men who step outside their marriage with other men do not have a heterosexual preference and do not change if they reconcile with their wives.I have seen this over and over in my dayjob of 23 years of counseling field.How could a woman ever trust a man again who did this?A foolish one indeed......best for both parties to heal up and move forward...living HONEST lives!
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Avatar_n_tn
the thought of gay sex doesnt really bother me or I guess I dont think a whole lot about it but if I knew that my husband had gone out and had anal sex or oral sex with a man I couldnt get over it or be attracted to him anymore and sorry to be so crude but if his penis ever ever went into someones butt it wouldnt go anywhere near my mouth or any other part of my body!!! but I will say this in agreement of what you said about your behavior and maybe the fact that you arent gay, My father was molested by a bose when he was 15 and (this isnt a excuse!!!) always cheated on my mom all the time he was in the marine corps for 34 years they seperated 11 years ago when we found out that he was meeting people offline having sex and then hooked up with Bonnie total nasty human being that promots his sexual issues and they are into alot of nasty stuff that no 26 year old daughter should now about but I do...instead of getting help for what happend to him when he was 15 he continues to act out sexually I love my dad and I dont talk to him about it I find it distubing ans sick and never did I think my dad who was PTA president and soccer coach when I was a kid and just the best dad would be choosing sex over seeing his family and two grandkids this lifestyle has consumed him and changed him to someone I dont want to know but I keep it to myself he is 63 and isnt in the best health so I will let him live out his life how he sees fit. but you need to decide how you feel about men if your gay thats ok but if your not deal with what happend forgive whoever you need to forgive and move on and if you meet a woman know going into it that your ok with yourself and can sustain a hetero reletionship. but let your wife have some peace and move on its hard sometimes for a woman to come to terms with not being able to have a child and then on top of that finding out that her husband has been cheating with men.....that probably the two worst things that can happen to a woman in a marriage...she can have kids and her husband is not only cheating but cheating with a MAN! Your poor wife I feel for her and hope that she not you can move on from these and find peace!
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Avatar_n_tn
and I just went back and read that you said you "didnt think you were gay" either you are or you arent but if you went back for more and then later put yourself into the gay community and then found yourself in a gay affiar it is obviously something that you are drawn to and you like you need to be true to yourself and deal with your demons!
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Avatar_f_tn
In the gay community the phenomena of passing is known as a closeted gay male masquerading as straight with the nice wife and children Leave it To Beaver image.Many do this for fear of coming out and being met with the discrimination and hate our society shows towards gays.It is living a lie and so grossly unfair to the wives/children of this facade.In our town a high profile young man recently married a young beauty pageant queen.His first marriage broke up for his wife found him having sex with another man.I know 2 men..one he had sex with and the other he made a pass at.His new wife maybe gay herself and their both passing for public image which i doubt or she is such a dumb naive girl who will one day get a painful wakeup call.Sadly they'll probably produce a child that will have to deal with his fathers issues some day.The tangled webs these human weave!
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377135_tn?1200325077
You're gay fella.  If I was your wife I would also be appalled,  and no way would I want you back.
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377135_tn?1200325077
And I also don't believe that you even want her back.  You're probably using this forum to pick up another gay lover.
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I dont think medhelp has ever been used to pick up gays!!!! Where on here would he do that the HIV forum??? thats not right!
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377600_tn?1225167036
That is too funny!
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377600_tn?1225167036
Marriages are permanent and can be saved if both of you work it out.  Good luck to you and your wife.  Post an update if you would like.
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Avatar_f_tn
someone deleted the self righteous judgmental rude reeking of religiousity comments u made to mrs.O and ur stance as a devout Catholic.Would u trust ur husband or partner again if he was out having sex with men?How would u feel if he brought u a sexually transmitted disease?would u be all forgiving and permanent?Guess the victims of the Catholic priests over the years who sexually abused them should be all forgiving of them as well?
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I would forgive my husband for an affair and an std, but we are both on the same page about monogamy because I spent a lot of time picking my partner.  And by the way, I have been sexually abused by a member of my own family so don't talk to me about sexual abuse and forgiveness.

The only reason I responded to Mrs. O is because she stated that someone was "stupid" and a "loser" and that she could call a spade a spade.

I was showing her that if she can call a spade a spade, then maybe others will be as kind to her as she was to them.

By the way, my husband is going to be baptized.  He didn't do it for our marriage as we have been married a long time now.  He is doing it on his own.  And in a church of his choosing.

I have children with  my husband and nothing can dissolve that bond--that is what a lot of people don't understand in this day and age.

I have my opinion and you have yours....
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377600_tn?1225167036
The post wasn't deleted; it is still there.  Your rage over something that is none of your business is causing you sight problems....
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yes brainfart..thought it was deleted..that i will apologize for.My father told me as I went thru life i would find that there are more horses ***** in the world than there are horses.My father was right.U must be lacking in self esteem or b delusional to stay with a man who would have sex with other men behind ur back.Forgiving a family member who sexually abused u would b like the Jews forgiving Hitler.
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Avatar_m_tn
Ibizan,
            Your comments were rude considering chigirl29 did state that she was framing her answer within her belief system.  So far as the man having an affair?  Him and his wife should both have/had therapy and thankfully as a drug counselor you would not be the one to give it, particularly given your age. as you were probably grandfathered in as the requirements in most states were originally not that high.

The man has a problem and he is looking for a solution.  Honestly when men or women withhold themselves from their partner the alienation of affection, resentment is a normal response to what is considered mental abuse.

And you know what?  The normal reaction is to either try to have an affair as a way of reaffirming masculinity/or femininity or to start wondering if you are unattractive to your spouse because you are gay?

Ibizan, you need to switch out of your field for a year or two to one where your clients are not ordered to visit your practice.
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Avatar_f_tn
ur attempts to insult me are quite hilariously ignorant!I was not grandfathered in the substance abuse field.Have a bachelors and a masters degree in social work and did all the continueing ed requirements and testing to get the licenses.I've worked with a lot of gay and lesbian clients over the years and what i state is what they tell me...23 years of feedback.By the way almost half our clients are self referred......60% court ordered 40% voluntary.How many face to face clinical sessions have u had over the years with gay and lesbian folks?
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Avatar_f_tn
it is comical that u have ALMOST a bachelors in psychology...and ALMOST a bachelors in social work...obvious no direct counseling xperience and ur telling me i'm all wet!What are ur licenses and credentials?Masters degree in womens Kugel exercises?:))
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Avatar_m_tn
LOL face to face!  You'd be surprised.  Plus having 2 bi nieces out of 8, gay cousin, 1 bisister, bi-mom, lesbian mentor, 2 bi-instructors gives me a unique perspective.  

Personally I can't understand why all women aren't lesbians if you were to just go on appearance  other than I have known some lesbians who looked more masciline than some men.  But that's just me.

On the other hoof you have admittedly a very narrow scope of training, been sober for 24 years, and if you are like most people who go into psych have had problems that you went into the field to work out for your self.

I am guessing physical abuse, drug abuse-probably a euphoric? and alcohol correct?  You have very little training with couples, and probably have not had a long term relationship last more than seven years on the outside?  Correct?

I think you may be projecting more than a little, and should have studied a little less for an MSW and should have focused more on the psychology but since you can't paint with quite as broad of brush and that would require more specific training I am gathering that has little attraction?
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Avatar_f_tn
how many of u have known hetero men who go in2 a gay community making male friends?i don't know of any but then i don't know everything!
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Avatar_m_tn
I apologize and while I would not have taken the paths that you did. Your actions fall fairly squarely within the norm all things considered.

Again sorry Ibizan have cluttered your space but I really thought the poison I saw there needed clean air to clear it out.
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377135_tn?1200325077
Just to confirm what I meant several posts ago.   I HAVE seen guys whine on other forums about feeling SOOO bad about their gay affair,  when what they were really doing was casting out a line to see if some other gay guy would read the post and take the hook.  It's happened.  It may not be the case here, but it's happened.

My assessment remains the same.  I am straight and there is no possible way I would ever be with another man sexually.  So the guy is gay.  He has no business trying to make it work with a woman.  It's a lie and has the potential to ruin the woman's life,  as it did in this case.
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Avatar_f_tn
In order to save myself from getting blasted again...all of the gay men i've worked with in 23 years who did get sober/clean...and we have many clients who come here that are ACOA's....do not adhere to the bi-sexuality concept.They know who and what they want early on...amen!For their own safety they know how to camoflauge it!That is what i've xperienced even though i know nothing and need to go back to school to get a psychology degree!
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Avatar_n_tn
I am a bit bothered by the "excuse" that you are cheating on your wife with men, because you were sexually abused as a child.  LOL  That is a bunch of ****.  Sorry.  I am gay, so I know.  I had sex play with other boys... so why don't you see it as sex play... but instead call it abuse.  They were not that much older than you.  So get over it.  I did.  I don't call mine abuse.  We live in such a repressive culture that even childhood sex play is even seen as sexual abuse.  Sure they threatened you, but who cares.  People experiment all the time as children.  If it was an adult who abused you, I'd feel more sympathetic.  And there are tons of straight women out there who were abused as children yet you don't see them pursuing partners of the opposite sex to cheat on their husbands with??  I mean, it does happen, but its usually because THEY WANT TO.  They are seeking lesbian partners, because they are bicurious, bisexual or just plain closeted gay.  It's because they want to.  You are using your childhood sex experience as an excuse to cheat on your wife.  And I disagree that you don't think you are gay.  Yes, you are..... at least, bisexual.  And I do believe in Bisexuality.  I have met many in my lifetime.  So next time you meet a woman, you should be honest with her or find a bisexual woman who is open to an open marriage.  That's my suggestion.  But leave your current wife alone.  You should have told her a long time ago.  She wasted 7 years of her life with you.  Sorry to be rude, but dude, you need to come out, be happy with yourself.  Ever since I came out, I have felt so much more happy with myself and have a great life.  Good luck.  By the way, seek some professional help.  It does help.  
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Avatar_n_tn
Just wanted to thank everyone for their comments on this old thread.  I wanted to let everyone know that I have accepted me being gay, my ex wife has forgiven me and is now a good friend, and I have come out to my family and friends and have their support.  I have met a guy I care about and am moving forward with my life.  Thanks to all.
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Avatar_n_tn
I am sorry that I read this so late....and I'm sorry you got such "hopeless" advice.  Friend, a human is not born gay or straight or anything else---they are born "sexual."  The behaviors are learned by life's experiences.
The gay community tries to convince people that if they have a gay encounter, they are hopelessly gay and might as well give up.  They do this so they can get as many people on their side of the fence, thus giving them more acceptance and more clout.  It is grossly unfair.
A marriage is worth saving, regardless of the infidelity.  I believe the vows read "for better or for worse."  You did, in fact, revert to a life experience, but that did not spell doom to your marriage.  If it did, then all infidelity would lead spell doom and we know that marriages often recover and flourish after an affair.  There are millions of married men in America who have stuck their **** in another man's mouth for a moment's satisfaction who desperately love their wives and who are not gay.  It is just an easy way to find that satisfaction.  
What you did was wrong...but if she threw up her hands and said "I won't try to forgive or work on this marriage," then she is wrong, too.
Face it, the ones who will talk about this situation are usually the ones who failed.  The ones succeeding usually keep that between themselves.  I just wish some of them had posted on here.
I pray that somehow God will restore your marriage.
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Avatar_n_tn
Sounds like you are not being as open as you need to be with yourself. Why would you kindle relationship with the gay community if you are notr gay. Maybe you prfer both sexes and that doesn't make for a marriage between two people. You wife is mad, she feel violated. What is her problem? Doesn't want to have sex with you. Seek help or it only get worst...
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