Huband left me after 14 yrz with twins & one more.

Hello, I am 38yrz old and my husband is 39yrz old.  He recently left me and my twins and son after being together for 14yrz.  He did not leave me for another woman and is not cheating or in love with anyone at this time.
Its been 2 months since he left me.  His mother passed away 2 yrz ago of brain cancer at only 58.  His job is stressful but a great job.  We both worked and were together for ten yrz before we had attempted to have any kids.
We got three all at once....which is tough for any couple.  He is from England and very non-communicative and we had issues of no intamcy on his end for years before children.  I believe he has suffered from mild depression possibly for a long time, and then when his mother died, there was definitely a long depression and him coming home drinking friday thru sunday till 3am by himself.  Before she passed or was ill, I pleaded to him to go to therapy for our marriage sake bc 3 babies was so hard and I stopped working, so we only had one income with 5 of us now.  He refused.  To add insult to injury, my ex had be-friended me on fb during that time....innocent e-mails and open with my husband regarding the friendship.  But eight months later, I did meet him for coffee, and the e-mails had gotten reminicent of our past relationship.  My hubby was suspicious, and was caught the first day of meeting for coffee.  He finally agreed to therapy.  I was told to stop all communication.  I was so upset for getting caught on the first day that I didn't.  He found out and we were going to split.  He stayed.  So for 3 yrz, I tried to show my commitment and love and was here for him every night raising our babies and loving and supportive.  But, alas, after 3 yrz after the affair and death of his mother, he has left me bc he says he cannot get over the betrayal of my short and stupid affair that was mainly e-mail fantasy.  But I take responsibility for it.  
He is visiting our kids and being a good father and paying the bills, but now hanging out with co-workers at bars and meeting new women and I am just so upset and angry.  I don't want my marriage to end. I love him dearly, and we are best friends, and I don't know what to do or how to help him want to come home.  I have tried for 3 yrz to show and do my penance for what I have done.  And I believe he understands the problems before leading up to it.
He is staying on a friends couch and doesn't look like he is coming back to me.  Seems over me most of the time.
Help.

Thanks for reading and listening.

L

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Sorry you are suffering dear.  Sounds like there were actually a lot of issues within this marriage before his leaving.  You describe him as mildly depressed for years and a real lack of intimacy.  You found comfort somewhere else which many people really never move past (some will tolerate no infidelity of any sort---  and emotional infidelity would hurt me more than sexual).  

I'm not sure what to tell you.  If he has left no gap or wiggle room for you to come back to the table and sort things out to be a couple again, you are stuck.  

What I recommend you do is to start therapy on your own.  This will help give you clarity as to what you want in life (this man or the idea of this man) and to cope if it doesn't turn out that way.  

I wish you lots of luck dear.

[lori122]

Thank you so much specialmom, I am looking into therapy and your words have helped me see the olbvious and will now make a definite appointment for therapy.  

Thank you so much.

L

[specialmom]

Well goodluck dear.  Let us know how that goes.  I do hope that your hearache eases soon.  So very hard to have young children and have our relationship break up.  Peace and stay in touch

[lori122]

Hello,

I have an update that I'm not really sure what to do with or how its gonna work.

Last week specialmom,  

My husband after I tracked him on a gps has been lying about certain days of 'staying with his buddy' on his couch.
I told him on two occassions that I knew for a fact that he was lying to me...yet again....and he adomantly (spelling?) denied and kept lying for weeks.
I called him last week and said if you don't stop lying to my face for the 20th time about this....we will have absolutely no relationship (he still spent weekends here with the kids). He Finally....told me the truth.
I am completely taken off guard that up until that week...he had absolutely NO PROBLEM lying to my face!
He then came back with the speech of...I realize I am messed up and need therapy and I love you and I want to save our marriage.
I said I would need to process this and think about it.
During this time, I continued to ask him for "the truth" about whether or not he had slept with anyone in the 3 months since he's left...or 3 yrz before.
He denied EVER being with anyone....continually...as I continued to ask every time I saw him.

I called the best couples therapist in our city...made an appt for sep. 19th...but she asked for some rules and stipulations....and one was that he has to move back into the house by our 1st session. We were both a bit unsettled about this one.
But...nevertheless...last night he moved back his things...and I looked at him and calmly said outside after the kids were in bed...that if he is waiting until our appt to tell the truth about having sex with someone else...so be it....but...I absolutely do not believe that you have not had sex with anyone. And I believe whole heartedly that you are lying about this and will try to lie about this like you have been doing...till the death.
He looked down and said nothing.
My gut, which is finally connected again...my instincts used to be great, but not until he moved out, did they start to feel connected again
.
I then waited after I took some anxiety meds...and looked at him and said...who was she and when? At first he said that he wasn't going to talk about it, and this conversation is closed.  
But after much calm and quiet talking and pursuading....he told me.
A few weeks ago, he went to a bar by himself and picked up a 21 yr old (he will be 40 in 4 months!)  slept with her, and then called her two days later and slept with her again...and thats it.

I am at a loss....He says he doesn't feel bad, he is not sorry, and thats it.
I said, "Why are you back??" He said, bc I love you, I am not "in Love" with you, but want to save the marriage.

I can't believe that he lies to me sooooo easily and without any conscience.  I am definitely not sure who this person is!?

Even my cousin/family who have known and been close to him for 14 yrz is shocked that this is the same man!

I don't know what to do? I tried to get an earlier therapist appt, bc I don't think I can take him living here for a week acting like if nothing.

My close friend thinks hes been cheating more than just this one time..

But I do know.....I cannot trust anything he says...that is the pure fact of the situation.

And he gets so appauld when I say, "I don't believe you" today when he says...I am telling you the truth that she was the only girl I had sex with.

I'm in shock and haven't even cried about it....I am soooo taken back....

Thanks for listening....

[TTinKKerBBell]

I'm sorry Your Husband cheated. I'm also sorry that You cheated as well.

I note that You asked, and asked, and asked Your Husband if He had had sex.  You didn't believe Him when He denied being with anyone but You still kept asking.  You wanted to know the Truth and now that You know, You are "appalled", You cannot "believe it".  What is that old saying.......be careful what You ask for?

It's unfortunate that He cheated but You were separated at the time so maybe He doesn't feel His betrayal is as great as Yours was while You were living Together in Your Marriage (which is why He apparently left in the first place?)

It's certainly in order for You to have counseling/therapy.  With the Desire and the Effort from Both of You, my guess is this Marriage can be saved.
You Both have a lot of repairing to do and I hope for the sake of Your Children and YourSelves that You come back Stronger than before.
GoodLuck