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Husband cant get passed my lies
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Husband cant get passed my lies

7 mths ago I made a mistake of lying to my husband about going to dr for bloodwork when preggo. I lied because i knew hed be madi chickened out and didnt go. Needless to say i ended up having a miscarriage and another lue came with that i was spotting one day and never told him and a week later was told i miscarried and it must of started when i started spotting. Hes been mad ever since. He said he wants divorce but hasnt done anything to get one. He doesnt show me affection anymore or sleep in bed with me. We did have a month where we were making up and had sex but he stopped and reverted back to emotionally shutting me out. He said its a protection so he cant get hurt. He doesnt want to talk about marriage but we can talk about other things; like news, bills, daughter..etc! He refuses counseling! What can i do? I want my hubby back!! He even ignored by birthday last week as if i dont matter. I know hes hurt but ive tried everything to show him im sorry
17 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm not sure I understand what You lied about - going to the doctor? or did You lie about being pregnant? or did You lie about having a miscarriage??  Whatever it was - why did You feel You like lying to Him?  I understand His distress about His Wife lying to Him but it sounds like something more is going on(?)  It seems like a severe reaction from Him and I wonder if His anger about the lie comes from "why" You lied(?).  
Can You give more information about what happened?
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Avatar_f_tn
I lied about going to dr then when i started to spot i didnt tell him at all! He says he just csnt trust me wonders why i would lie about a serious thing and hes mad i didnt to dr! I only lied cause i was so scared to go to dr and to have another miscarriage as this was the third i just so badly wanted to give him a baby! Plus a lot of ppl found out so i think he felt embarrased and like a fool
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134578_tn?1404951303
He sounds like he is holding a grudge an unnecessarily long time.  He felt like a fool months ago, OK, but I think it sounds like he is holding this over your head just to have control over you.  Tell him that as far as you are concerned, he does not have the power to make you feel bad any longer, that you have atoned, and that you think he is being inconsiderate not to realize that you didn't go to the doctor because you were so afraid of another loss.  Then DON'T LET THE SILENT TREATMENT GET TO YOU.  He is being needlessly cruel, don't play along.  Don't be sorry any more.  You have been punished for months and don't deserve more.  Just act normal, and try to be happy, and don't rise to the bait.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hm,  it makes me wonder a little bit if he wants kids very much and he suspects you don't want them?  That IS an odd thing to lie about when you are deeply concerned about losing a baby.  You can't help it if you have a miscarriage but the lying about talking to a doctor about it or about it actually happening doesn't make sense.  It just makes me think more is going on with the two of you and this was the topper.  

I'm sorry you had the miscarriage and I'm sorry that he is making you suffer for the lies.  Punishing you is no way to handle marital discord.  

good luck
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Hi Johns girl and sorry about your loss. Why did you lie to him about this anyway. Hes very hurt by this and is blocking you out because you blocked him out.
How to get him back? You know him better than us but i would use some of the same behavior that won him in the first place.
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Avatar_f_tn
I dont know why I lied I have had ectopic pregnancy prior and it broke our hearts! I guess i was afraid if i lost this baby id let him down so not going to the dr for the bloodwork was my way i think of holding off the bad news which i was certain was coming. He is a very moral guy and id never lied to him before and i knew how he felt about it. Now we talk about things just not our marriage. Hes put walls up to not let me in. It kills me but i just dont know how to get through to him. I got so sick of waiting for him to come around i kicked him out dec 30th. He was sleeping in car and i missed him so i went to his work and pleading with him to come home. He said basically hes got one foot in the door and one out he just doesnt know what to do. I told him he could come home and id stop pressuring him. Through these last 7 mths i will add this ive picked fights every few weeks there hasnt been much time ive laid off nagging him about forgiving me. Well now that hes come back its been 3 weeks no nagging or pressuring but its so hard for me because i just want things back to how they were but it seems like he doesnt care and is happy with a roomate situation. Yet he does things for me just doesnt give me affection. He doesnt go anywhere and is kinda depressed too
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3149845_tn?1386354841
You will get through this ok but will take some time and TLC. Dont make fighting and arguing an issue as these are normal things couples do but the trick is how to resolve issues.
You are 2 different people, from 2 different worlds living as one person and trying to blend eachothers values and interests. May be cook him his favorite meal or go out to his favorite resturant or buying him something he has always wanted. Give him some space for now and all will be ok.
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973741_tn?1342346373
You said something that sounds really important to me---  that he sounds depressed.  he sure does.  And I think this needs to be treated.  Would he go for a physical where he can talk about how he has been feeling?
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Avatar_f_tn
He refuses to go to mc or to dr for help. Though he did say hes in a funk. He wont go anywhere with me either he says he doesnt feel like doing anything fun. Its sad i feel so bad i hurt him but dont know how to make up. Ive cooked his fave dinners, done nice stuff for him and even got him a nice tool box he wanted and he took it back! Its like he hates me yet hell do things for me. Its so confusing
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Avatar_f_tn
He refuses to go to mc or to dr for help. Though he did say hes in a funk. He wont go anywhere with me either he says he doesnt feel like doing anything fun. Its sad i feel so bad i hurt him but dont know how to make up. Ive cooked his fave dinners, done nice stuff for him and even got him a nice tool box he wanted and he took it back! Its like he hates me yet hell do things for me. Its so confusing
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4520583_tn?1358497340
Not only did you lie, you chose to hide it, and only when you started spotting did he find out about the miscarriage. By this moment he would have felt deceived, cheated. He would believe that you don't trust him enough with the truth and to give you support. He would feel hurt by your actions, even resentment. Questions would plague his mind such as "If you never showed signs or symptoms, would you continue to deceive me?"

Not only has he lost a child, he has lost a trustworthy wife in that sense. To make matters worse, he knows because of past experiences you are hurting too and you didn't mean it, thus he can't blame it on you either.

He's experiencing depression, hurt, frustration, resentment, loss all at the same time. Give him space to recover. 7 months is not long when a breach of trust occurs. Try not to provoke a reaction out of him by nagging or doing extreme things such as kicking him out. Instead of divorce, he chose silence, so there's still hope. Driving him to a corner won't help. Voice your concerns and coax him for therapy, but if he doesn't want it, let time heal. I think it would be better for your relationship if you be supportive and give him some space.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thx for the last month Ive been keeping my mouth shut as far as fighting and nagging! Its hard cause i miss him and i just turned 35 and would like to try for another baby still but am worried hell never come around. He doesnt wear his ring anymore or sleep in bed with me or touch me at all. He feels like he doesnt even love me but i do know hes hurt! I do help time can heal him
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134578_tn?1404951303
Frankly, I'd be thinking of leaving.  The silent treatment is no way to resolve differences between adults.  He sounds like his problems are bigger than what you did or didn't do.  Not that I am saying you should have lied, but a mentally healthy person would not be giving you the untouchables treatment for months and months.  At 35, you don't have a lot of time left for having a baby; nagging hasn't changed things, fighting hasn't changed things, crying hasn't changed things, pleading hasn't changed things, whining hasn't changed things, cooking his favorite meal hasn't changed things.  The only thing you have not tried is packing your bags and being gone.  If doing that does not change things either then you know nothing will.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hes not giving me the silent treatment! We talk everyday he just doesnt want to talk about what happened anymore or be pressured about our status. He said he just doesnt know what he wants. On one hand hes having a hard time trusting me and thinks he should leave but on the other hes hoping time will heal. I feel like if he loved me hed get over this butat the same time he could just move out and find someone else too if he was done. Hes a catch so its not like he couldnt find someone for sex or etc. we havent had sex since Oct! In oct we reconciled but he said he felt so vunerable like i could break his heart again so he pulled back
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't know what more anyone can offer here
but
I would like to say - if You can talk to us (who You don't even know) - if You can explain and justify to us what You were thinking that caused You to "lie" to Your Husband - well, then, can't You explain to Him in the same way?
Otherwise, I simply don't know what else You could do.
Good Luck
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134578_tn?1404951303
I simply can't imagine someone going to such an extreme over "feeling vulnerable" and so on.  By silent treatment, I meant withholding all that you want him to talk about.  It really appears that much more is going on that he is simply choosing to hide by withdrawing emotionally.  It frankly sounds like a guy might do to hide an affair.  In any case, I don't trust what he is doing, if a man wants to be connected to his wife, he will find a way to do it.  He sounds depressed perhaps, but in fact sounds like he is also manipulating you.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Ok well thank you all! I have explained to him he just says he doesnt trust me now! Hes definately depressed! I thought affair too but its not. The minute i confessed to him about my lies he went crazy. Rightfully so in the moment. I just didnt think hed stay mad this long. He doesnt go out or spend any money or tall or text anyone its weird but thank you all for your input
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