I am very concern with my husband's anger towords his mother.My husband and I have been childhood lovers for 10 years before we got married last november.His mother never approved of our relationship as she is quite traditional and she wanted to pick a daughter in law for her son.My husband was very stern about marrying me and told her that she had no say with the marriage.During the wedding, she created alot of drama by crying and telling my husband that she is going to lose him after marriage. She even once shouted at me when my husband was in his room, I did not say a word back, I immediately called my husband to talk to his mom.I knew that my mother in law can be very nasty and manupulative so the last thing I wanted was to get into an arguement with her. She was also very disappointed that we got a house of our own and we decided to move out after marriage, for that she created another crying episode.Recently, we went over to visit her, she created another episode because she said she was very sad that we came over quite late in the evening and she told my husband he is a heartless son who does not love her.My husband hearing this got very angry and shouted at her and stomped out of her house. I was left lost.. not knowing what to do? I was rather concern about this as my husband by nature is a very calm and loving person.He does not get angry easily and neither does he shout. I was quite disappointed that he shouted at his mom like that, morally I feel Its wrong.No matter what she is his mom. After we came home, I talked to him about it and he seemed very very angry with his mom.. I feel that his past wounds with his mom has not healed. I do not like to see my husband angry with his mom.After all the drama after the wedding, I just want my relationship with my MIL to be cordial.What should I do as a wife to help mend this ?I can forsee more problems coming by because of this?
I understand how frustrating this is, and if you are from a traditional culture that places reverence to parents above almost all else, I can see that this would distress you. However, your first duty is to your husband. If he is hurt by his mother or angry at her manipulation, and lashes out, you should not judge him as being morally wrong. She does sound very unpleasant, and I am very glad for you as a couple that you are not living under the same roof.
Do men go for counseling or therapy in your culture? Frankly, your husband sounds justified in his anger, to me, but if he is in a place where he is made to feel ashamed of not being a dutiful son when his mother is so provoking and difficult to deal with, he might benefit from talking to a professional about it. Anger comes from being frustrated, by a societal or cultural message that no matter how badly you are treated by your parent you must revere that parent. As I said, I would be awfully angry too. (And you do not know all the things she did to him when he was young. If her temper has been equally bad over the years, she might have been quite horrible to him.) Please don't judge your husband, but speak to him sympathetically. If he won't go for counseling (his doctor should be able to recommend a good person about anger management), at least he might be willing to unburden himself to you about all the difficulties he has had with her, if he did not think you were judging in your heart that he was morally wrong.
Children should try to love their parents, that is true, but a parent abdicates his or her right to a child's love and respect if the parent is harsh and cruel. I think this might be true no matter how traditional the culture.
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