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Husband filing for divorce due to influence of his family
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Husband filing for divorce due to influence of his family

Hi All

I knew my husband for 10 years before we got married and everything was perfect. he was my best friend my everything and was the sweetest person ever. Then things took a turn for the worse. After marriage i lived with his family and had no issue with it - his parents and siblings. I started to notice that his family were not very warm towards me and me being a little shy took time to open up with them too. My husband really wanted me to be just how i was in my own home, but dynamics were different. Misunderstandings took place which didnt help build the bond that i wanted. He is very much under the influence of what his parents and sisters say and he never stood up for me. Behind closed doors he was the guy i knew before marriage and then he would not be able to stand up for me in front of his family. It was always regarded as i was the one who was wrong and they were always right. He has dropped me twice to my parents without even telling me what they all had planned. the 1st time it shocked me and i went back after a week, when we were on our own when i got back he cried in my arms and said he would never let me go. But its happened again and this time it has taken its toll on me. They have made up lies or misudnerstood and are adamant i am a liar. So if 5 people have the same story clearly i am going to feel suffocated in that house. he keeps saying if i apologise and change and want the best for his family he will take me back. But he never has once said what unfair things his family or him have done to me, i have been through verbal abuse and bullying  by his siblings. He thinks they have treated me perfectly. He is now filing for divorce, i tried so many times if he would meet me but he has refused. What girl who was completely in love with her best friend would ruin her marriage and not apologise if i did something wrong. I have even said lets ask a 3rd party and see who is right. He has been brainwashed and refuses to believe me. I am devastated that it has come to this - his family are completely obssessed with him and i have come along and in order to have full control of him they are dictating what he should do. Why cant he realise what he is doing and will be sad for the rest of his life. They are separating 2 people who loved one another. what else can i do???
6 Comments Post a Comment
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973741_tn?1342346373
Oh sweetie,  I'm really sorry.  I'm doubtful that there is anything you can do.  This situation has been bad for a very long time.  Is communal living common where you are from??  I ask because my advice to anyone in my country would be to not live with the in laws. But don't know if this is culterally the norm for you.  However, regardless, this is what your husband is choosing to do.  He is making choices to support his family over you and has been doing so for a very long time.  

The idea of divorce is probably very scary to you and I don't blame you.  It is fear of the unknown.  However, he hasn't acted like a husband for a long while.  He is limited as to the man he can be by his connection to his family.  I don't know what happened between  you and them as you state it started out just fine.  But you can't go back in time, it is what it is.  

Perhaps a divorce will lead you to find happiness and peace in the end.  I sure hope so.  sorry it has been so hard.  Peace
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1268057_tn?1399131913
"what else can i do???"  My response.....there is nothing else you can do.

This unfortunately happend (similiar situation minus the dropping off to my family) to me with my first marriage and I filed for divorce.  I am surprised you didn't see any of this behavior before you got married since you knew your husband 10 years before the marriage.  Plus, I would NEVER recommend any couple living with family unless it is the ONLY option.  

He may or may not one day realise what he is doing or what he has done, however, I wouldn't advise waiting for him to "wake up and smell the coffee."

Let him file for divorce.....sounds like he is doing you a favor; saving you from further heartbreak and despair.  

Unfortunately, some families are like this and when an outsider is introducted into the family, i.e. new wife, it is met with resistance.  If you don't jump when they say jump....then you are wrong.  If you don't do as they say.....then you are wrong.  Then, if you talk against them or do something against them they turn into a pack of wolves ready to attack.  In other words.....it doesn't MATTER what you do you will ALWAYS be wrong and they will NOT accept you.  

Find a guy who is his "own person";is not so overly-influenced by people outside the relationship.  That's key here.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, but you know what is right so stand your ground!  Your husband's family shouldn't have put him in this situation to begin with, and they are obviously very controlling.  A man shouldn't have to pick between his wife and family but if given the choice it should be his wife.  This is who he is building is own life with, and will spend the rest of his life with!  I would cut my losses and move on, you deserve better than this!  I don't think this family will like anyone he marries.... but not your problem.  This will be an on-going battle that you will never win.  If your husband truly loves you he will not live with his parents and will do whatever is needed to be with you!  If not.......you win!  Life's too short to be going through this kind of petty crap, and he's as much to blame if not more than them.  Think of what you want and deserve and start living your life.
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1894410_tn?1364193655
It is hard for me to tell you this but it took me 30 years to realize that my best friend thought of himself first before me and his family, it is a difficult thing to realize but you are the lucky one, get out now because they dont change and you can move on and find someone who will put you first always.  It will be hard for you but you are strong enough to do this....I have been where you are and trust me life does get better, but you have to put yourself first.....
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks all for your advice - i know its hard to digest but i have to face the music - he doesnt love me - he messages me one day saying its over you will hear from my lawyers then messages the next day saying he wants to make this work but i need to sort myself out! he has never addressed the behaviour of him and his family towards me. he has no one to speak to aprt from his immediate family and so doesnt realise what he is doing is wrong and guess he never will.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
Figure out what is BEST FOR YOU dear.  

This is so typical.....this "back and forth" nonsense with a man who DOESN'T know what he wants.  He is TOTALLY confused.  

If he really wants to help himself and his marriage he will seek counseling like yesterday to sort this mess out and I am not talking about going to counseling a couple of times and everything is ok.  

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