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Husband left after 34 years of marraige
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Husband left after 34 years of marraige

My husband left our family one month ago after 34 years of marraige.  His father passed away in late July, we celebrated our 34th anniversary in early August, he turned 55 in mid August.  The next day there was a knock at my door and I was served with divorce papers!  I am devistated!  This has completely destroyed our children.  To lose their grandfather and with two weeks time, have their father move out and end the only "family life" they have ever known.  I am trying to be the strong one to help my children get through their grief, but when I am home alone, I completely fall apart.  Our children refuse to have anything to do with their father and they are refusing to allow him anywhwere near our grandchildren.  They are calling him selfish and dysfunctional.  The day after the papers were delivered he moved out and into his deceased father's house.  He immediately began openly dating this 'skank' with absoluelty no regards to our children.  I know that this is a mid life crisis thing, but he refuses to get help.  He tells me that he still loves me but his feelings for this other woman are stronger.  He says that it is too early to tell if he is making the biggest mistake of his life or not.  My couselor told me that he is living in the past (he dated her in high school, over 35 years ago) and that one day he will take off his rose colored glasses and see what he has done.  I don't know!! Comments please!
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134578_tn?1404951303
He might be "living in the past and one day will take off his rose-colored glasses and see what he has done," but it sounds like he is done with the marriage whether or not he later has regrets about the precipitous nature of the change or not seeing the grandchildren.  Please don't pin your hopes on his somehow coming around abject and sorry.  It sounds like a very definite declaration that he is out.  I hope you don't take this comment as unsympathetic to your plight, but don't delude yourself, he really sounds gone.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  My parents divorced after 24 years of marriage when I was in college.  Let me just say this.  I was upset but this is about you and not your kids.  They are adults and need to handle this as adults.  You should encourage them to have a relationship with their Dad.  I definately sided with my mother----  I was darn mad at my father.  But my mom really didn't want me to not have a dad so she encouraged the relationship.  Things were never the same with me and my father---- but I do have a relationship.  So encourage your kids to understand that this is between YOU and their DAD and not them.  They should remain as neutral as possible.  
I'm so sorry you are hurting.  I remember well the pain my mother felt.  It was awful.  And as a married woman now of 12 years, I can imagine how having a life time with someone would crush you to have them so suddenly end it.  

Please see a therapist to help you though this tough time.  Peace and luck to you
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1268057_tn?1399131913
Totally agree with the two above posters.  

"They are calling him selfish and dysfunctional."  Yes, he might be that at the moment, but I think a relationship between your children and him should be encouraged.  

Unfortunately everyone in this situation is grieving and it wouldn't be a bad idea for everyone involved to seek counseling to sort this all out and to get the proper coping tools/skills.  

I sense your deep hurt and pain.....not to minimize that, but remember, he lost his father just as the children lost their grandfather and unfortunately he has chosen a maladaptive approach to deal with his loss and grief.  I would say he isn't even in his rational mind at this point because of all the grief.  He is just doing and not really thinking.  When he will get clarity......difficult to say.  

Keep working with your therapist.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I read this and felt compelled to reply to your comment that he said "it was too early to tell if he was making a mistake or not" as someone that has unfortunately had an affair myself while married to my now EX husband, I assure you that's a comment that people use when they're trying to keep the door open in case they find out the grass isn't greener on the other side. I would advise you to focus on yourself when talking with your therapist instead of your therapist trying to analyze your husband they need to focus on you. The reasons why people cheat are all over the place and its not for you to spend your time or money trying to figure out. You didn't do anything to cause this act on his part, let me assure you regardless of his excuses, a person that cheats just has a desire to cheat and its not your fault. I wish you well, I know you're heartbroke and very understandably so. I'm sorry that I stooped so low and done that myself but I'm very glad that I was honest and told my husband when I didn't have to and that's something at least you can be thankful that he's admitted to it so you don't have to not know and you don't have to try to figure out what is wrong in your marriage or you don't have to hire a private investigator and all of that. I know there's nothing anyone can say to ease your pain and I'm truly sorry. I've seen this happen to a very close friend of my moms and her husband was even a pastor and their children felt the same way that you described your children feels and its been a few years now and her ex husband has remarried and they all seem to get along well now and their mom seems to be very happy and she is a fighter and has certainly proven herself to be a very strong woman. You sound very strong yourself. Stay strong and don't let him and his poor choices get you down. Best of luck to you and your family:)
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