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I am not in love with my husband anymore
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I am not in love with my husband anymore

I am telling you the truth that the man I am married to is nice, caring, an all around good guy.  We have been together for 16 years and had our ups and downs.  He is ignorant to romance, intimacy and everything I have been living without.  We have been going to marriage counseling - not working.  I am so depressed because I don't want to hurt him.  I suffer from a panic and anxiety disorder with depression,  my adult children area all emotional abusive to me.  I just want to run away but can't because I want us out of debt before or if we divorce and I also need a very expensive surgery, which my husband insurance will cover as long as we are together.  This isn't going to happen for at least 3 months so I am stuck.  I just want to sleep all the time.  I hate hurting him.  We were seperated before and I swore to god I would never leave him again.  Now not only am I letting my husband down but I am letting God down.
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You sound depressed.(Your profile says you are a 45 year old male?) Regardless, the reason I even looked at it is because it sounds like you might be having a mid life crisis, is that possible? I mean you have lived all these years without those things, yet only now is when they seem to be a real problem. I know people who, while having hormonal issues, or depression issues have made big decisions about there marriage and left and are now sorry and wish they could go back in time. You say your husband is a good man and you love him and swore you would never leave him again. Marriage does go thru a stale stage as well. You need to do what is best for you in the end but please just know what it is that your leaving and what you are going to. And before you decide anything, get that medical care before doing it. I hope it all works out, just sounds like something more to me.
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Dear PJ64,
First off, God is not a god of doom and gloom and his finger pointed shaking at you all the time. Sin entered this world. It was neither a surprise nor not a plan for redemption before time was begun. That being said, He is a God of second chances and third and He is one of Grace, knowing each of us individually. He is sufficient and will supply all your needs.
As I come up out of the deep, dark pit of severe grief and depression I am thankful in knowing He even understood my temporary not caring and losing faith...never have before no matter the depths I have gone. So as I come out I would like to say a few things, hopefully enlightening to you.
I have a very angry daughter, our youngest and about two weeks after my Mom passed she went off, I hung up and for almost two months she did not speak to us. She is moving in less than two months to about ten hours away with her first and very new husband.
There is hope there, we are seeing my psych and her pastor with our husbands.
About your husband. I have the nicest, most gentle, nonconfrontational in love with me since the first day he saw me husband.
Due to the depression, my feelings very. Since I have bp when we were babies 20 and then we females hit peak at thirty, I was always wanting more. If that was to happen, I had to do the planning and persuing, ALWAYS. That is just my role, now. I see that. He is not rejecting me by not persuing me, he is just take it or leave it. It fits with his calm and very even going personality.
I thought I could not handle it about ten years into the marriage. Wanted to leave, had two kids and where would I go. But I told him I wanted a divorce. This compliant, not make waves husband sought out a marriage counselor and went, all by himself, until he finally convinced me to go.
It took a long time to regain love for him. I know where you are, trust me. Didn't want to work on it, just wanted it over! We have been to hell and back with lots of things but our love for eachother is full of mutual respect, admiration and deep intimate love and trust.
We have been married this year 35 years. Love can be rekindled. He sounds like a great guy except meeting your needs physically. Bathtubs are a great place to talk about that need!
Take him on picnics, watch the sunset, have a picnic in the bedroom with food you feed eachother, you put the romance in and don't think it is because he is rejecting you when he is not the agressor...trust me the persuing pays off in high dividends.
Now about the running away. I feel that way when in serious depression. It is an escape mechanism. I have gone on trips, hid in the closet, walked to a park w/o my phone and lots of stuff. My kids suffered from this trait of mine, they could not find me and worried. Until I wanted to be found.
That might be some of the anger of the younger one, I am not sure.
But know, what ever you decide, God knows your heart and hears your cries.
Take care of yourself.
zzzmykids
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You are not letting God down, if I were to believe in god for a minute I would believe what I have been told that he is a god of sympathy and a good with much understanding and love for all his children.
You can not choose how You feel in order of loving someone and no one can be forced to love someone it just does not happen.
I think You should see someone seperate as well for depression, when we are depressed in can fog up our mind and leave us feeling a way we would not normally feel, leave us thinking rashionally and sometimes wondering and not sure. I think you would be best having this treated it will also give you a chance to have someone private to speak to, to vent to and explain your situation.
Best of luck
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Avatar_f_tn
You sound depressed.(Your profile says you are a 45 year old male?) Regardless, the reason I even looked at it is because it sounds like you might be having a mid life crisis, is that possible? I mean you have lived all these years without those things, yet only now is when they seem to be a real problem. I know people who, while having hormonal issues, or depression issues have made big decisions about there marriage and left and are now sorry and wish they could go back in time. You say your husband is a good man and you love him and swore you would never leave him again. Marriage does go thru a stale stage as well. You need to do what is best for you in the end but please just know what it is that your leaving and what you are going to. And before you decide anything, get that medical care before doing it. I hope it all works out, just sounds like something more to me.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am a female.  I have been in counseling for 15 years and see a shrink on a regular basis, plus go to marriage counseling.  I am very confused because sometimes I don't even know what I want.  I do know that I love my husband but I am not In-live with him.  In the beginning I did everything to show romance and it got me nowhere.  I have to tie my husbands shoes for gods sake.  I feel more like his mother than his wife.  He is 49 and acts like 89.  I am depressed and take medication for it.  Our sex life is next to nothing.  My husband doesn't have it in him no more.  I have gone 4 months with no intimacy.  I honestly don't know what to do.  According to our marriage counselor, we are at level 3 in our marriage.  He gave us some tasks to do until our next appointment, I did mine, my husband totally did not comprehend what he was suppose to do.  I have been through alot of crap and just need a place to turn to.
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I respond to a lot of posts on these forums and every once in a great while I find one that I cannot seem to stop thinking about. Yours is one of those. It sounds like you have gone to great lengths to resolve the situation and it is good that your husband has made an effort as well. That alone is rare. It would seem as if your depression, anxiety etc., is a result of being in an emotional and what seems to be an isolated turbulant situation. You come across as feeling very lonely and isolated from the rest of the world. The easy part is leaving. The hard part is being stuck on that fence emotionally and afraid to move. I would say to you, that it is apparent that your husband is aware of your unhappiness so would not be shocked at your decision to leave. But if you leave do you have the capability of taking care of yourself financially? And medical insurance is something you will need to be able to afford ongoing. Or how about a trial separation to see how you both feel after a designated period of time? It does sound like something needs to happen soon. You are relatively young still and if you are to leave you can still make a good life for yourself. And just an added note here, staying because of debt is fruitless because divorce always ruins your credit anyway. Take steps to secure your own credit worthiness by having a credit card in your name and make sure to save a little to the side just for you in case you need it. If you decide to stay and work it out then you need to realize that you are settling for the way things are now and make sure that is something you can live with forever. If it is not, then you need to make sure you are taken care of. Notice I don't discuss too much how your husband feels because I am not talking to him and you have to do what is good for you and what is going to make you happy in the long term. And quit letting your children disrespect you. Demand respect from them, they do not have to agree with your views but they do have to respect them, period. You are still their mother and if they cannot come around without being abusive, tell em to not come around until they can. In other words "Take back your life", whatever that entails. You got one life and no do overs, so think about what it is you have in life, then what you want out of life and then go for it. Either way you decide is not going to be an easy road so think about the end result. Make it worth it. For you.
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Love is an action, it is something you do.  You have to decide to love him.

You define yourself by your choices.  If you have a good man hang onto him, there are not many out there !

Do not let your depression make decisions for you, get it treated and stop taking it out on your husband.

Good luck to you
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