I am really struggling, my spouse is really abusive..

Hi to everyone, I cant sleep so I thought I would give this a shot. My husband is really a good manipulator, and so abusive. I suffer from depression, PTSD, Fibro.which all incl anxiety. but my anxiety is really bad now. little sounds scare me, i dont sleep or im really fatigued. bones aching all the time. and i have no time to heal from any recent trauma, or huge losses I have suffered, bc my husband is constantly making me feel guilty for...idk...changing I guess. I used to be able to work eight to twelve hr days, just be so..normal as he puts it. but i have suffered greatly...and he just emotionally stomps on any progress that I do make. We have been seperated since the begining of this year...and he takes no responsiblity at all. and I am left crying and feeling alone, and as if the failed marriage is my fault. Iam not good enough for him now, bc I changed...

I will talk more in the grief forum about my losses. but to be short I lost my brother, my father, and my aunt in about one week. It was the most devasting thing I have ever went thru, and this was all last year around christmas. and my husband gave me no time to think, to process what even happened to me, he was constantly on my back bc i couldnt contribute to anything, iam a mother of two kids. i just...at that time i needed space. and i just went thru hell, you would think my husband would put his feelings aside whatever they were, and just sit and talk to his wife.

Well here I am a year later, and just suffereing mentally. am now mentally disabled from what happened to me, i cant think sometimes, i just have such bad anxiety i dont or i just cant barely go anywhere. and do to the trauma i had been dsed with fibro i have tried to take my life twice this past year. i just have no support to get better, his family believes everything he has said to them, and i have been battered from him more so emotionally  then physically. i have had to go to shelters at times, but i would talk to him an go back....

I just idk I am not even comfortable talking in front of him or to him about anything, five months into my grief last year he tried taking my son from me who was only a year, claming i was mentally incompetant. such a shame bc even then i went back to him, and now iam mentally going thru alot...like now i feel like i just proved him right that i cant be the wife he wants me to be. I just cant find my place in my own family, and I am backed up against a wall.

Now he has our kids, an Iam working things out with a therapist, but the arguments my husband and I have, are about the wrong I have done to him. I cant even talk about our kids future..bc he just is like disgusted with me, but still can come over and have sex with me...I am sorry to speak that way...

I just feel used and alone, and the one man I thought would help me no matter what, abandoned me, I just dont know what to do ne more. Hes constantly hot and cold with me trying to justify his actions and tear mine apart. I want to heal and be there for my kids, I really very much do, but I am thinking my husband wont be apart of the process, and that does hurt me alot. He knows the trauma I have suffered in my life, and adds to it by just arguing and just,...making me feel that I am not worth it anymore. I just sit here and stare, I miss my kids so much, I just..in the hospital my husband was crying an saying well get thru this but he doesnt make any effort to support me positivly trust me. and its killing me. I havent gotten SSI yet, its in the determination stage, I have to go to the local DHS office on monday for housing and medicade. Now, Iam a nursing student, I had to give it up. thats how the PTSD with the fibro and all, it changed me...I just feel so dead inside. Like more loss in my life, and I dont know how to turn it around..I am so scared SSI wont help me, my husband is not doing anything at all, Iam getting evicted, and he doesnt care. Because I cant work anymore. I just thought, Id be able to rely on him until I got situated but he laughs, and just makes me feel like my life is a game to him. Hes got the kids, he didnt want to pay child support when i was in the shelters, hed be so nice to me, id believe him. I just...never had any guidance at all, I wish I knew how to handle this, my head goes numb, I just dont know where to go, or what to do. Thanks for reading, i just needed to talk so bad...maybe get some understanding.....I thank you all.

[Ariom63]

Oh sweetie....stop beating yourself up and taking blame for your spouse!!!!  I don't know where to start because there is so much I could say.  But I will try! : ) It seems to be you have been through so much and loosing someone so important in your life is unbearable.  The grieving process is different for everyone...but in your case you really didn't have to grieve because you had to deal with your husband!  Not understanding you and being there for you without treating you like a lost cause!  I could be crossing the line here, but I am going to take a stab at it.  You should not even let him come over for sex!!!!  Kick him to the curb...get better and get your kids...or get better so that they have there mommy.  remember you are always going to be there mommy.  nothing he can do or say can or will change that!  He sounds like he has alot of issues..he likes to dominate because deep down inside he feels little.  THIS IS JUST MY OPINION, NOT A PROFESSIONAL! Just want to state that!  I know it might be easy for me to say things..but I have been in a relationship where I thought I could not live without this man.....and finally after 9 long dreaded years we were done!  It was a blessing disguise!  I did have alot of bad days...but I had a lot of support from friends and family and I got through it....I have 2 children, well they are adults now.  The saddest thing was they were sort of caught in the middle seeing there mom going through this ****!  So I buckled down and did this for them and myself. I can now say I have changed and seen the light.  I was better than him, I deserved better!  Now.....I have a life I wouldn't give up for millions!  He loves me for me and is always showing it, always going above and beyond.  I had my baggage...but he excepts it, and does not treat is as baggage!  

Hard but so true....you have to get yourself together and healthy enough first!  Then you tackle the courts and get your children back!  If you want something bad enough it will happen, it might take some time...but it will happen.  I wish I had more insight, but this is a tough one.  

You can always send me messages and we can go from there.....but know this...I am here should you need to vent!