I don't understand.......

This all started about 4 weeks ago, although my husband says it's been going on for the last 5 years.  Quick recap of our history...met him when I was 18, he has 5 children from a previous marraige.  I moved in with him after 3-4 days of dating...felt in love, wanted to help him with the kids, been with him ever sense...I'm 25 now, he's 41.  We have a 3 yr old together.  He's been telling me lately that he's done.  I never thought he meant the big 'D' as he calls it.  He says he's going through his mid life crisis and doesn't know how to handle it.  He says over the years I have not done the things that he's asked me to do.  Which is true..I let my weight get a little out of control after I had my son.  Have been treating him like he's one of the kids, and have just grown away from him...not meaning to..I never meant to hurt him....We work completely different schedules him during the day, and I work nights...we see each other in passing and never make time to hang out like we used to.  He's always told me that when a woman turns 25 she turns into what she's going to be for the rest of  her left, and to watch out.  I never thought that I would be someone other than who he married...I don't believe that I have changed all the much we just hardly ever see each other.  So, for the past 2 weeks, he has been going out every night, not sleeping at home, and not really talking to me.  He finally talked to me today and wants to seperate.  Although we will still live with each other because we both realize that we can not afford anything on our own yet.  He says he just wants to be friends.  Only deal business.  Because he's feels rejected by me, he doesn't want to have anything physically or emotionally to do with me.  I just don't know how the whole 'friends' thing can work out.  I want to be hopefull....and I want to be with him..I don't want to be without him, and never thought that the things that I was doing, or not doing, would cause him to feel this way...is it really me??  Is it him??  He says he'll always love me...and doesn't want to fight...I saw him without his ring on the other day, and it completely broke my heart...I asked him about it and he said I'll wear it out of respect for you.  Why does he think that because we are seperating he has to go without wearing his ring...I mean doesn't that let everyone know that he's a single man now??  I just don't understand...and I want to so badly...thinking that it might help me somehow.   I also sit at home at night while I'm not working and he's not here, the kids ask about him and he tells them he'll call but he never does.....

[teko]

Sounds to me like there is a rat in the toolshed. Sounds like he has a little somethin somethin on the side. You said he had 5 children from a past relationship and you have one together? Do all these children reside within your home? I dont think it has anything to do with you personally, but something is obviously going on with him. To have that many children to take care of and support, I would imagine you feel like you do nothing but work so I can see the communication breaking down after awhile. It sounds like he is putting everything on you which tells me alot about him. It does not sound like it is going to work out for you and I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. But I would start looking for ways to take care of you and just in case it doesnt work out the way you want, at least you have a little nest egg to fall back on.

[iam1butterfly]

First of all... according to sociologists we (men and women) aren't fully individuated, or fixed in our personalities and such, until we're 30. But, that's beside the point and I don't really don't know what you're supposed to "watch out" for. And, I don't understand what he means by you not having "done the things that he's asked [you] to do." If by that, he's implying that he had certain expectations... and, you've fallen short... well, that cuts both ways and maybe he's not "all that," either.

But, if he's truly "done" and wants out... there may not be a whole lot that you can do except for maybe trying marriage counseling. But, it but it takes the cooperation of two to make that work. And, it sounds like he's already mentally and emotionally "checked out" of the relationship. Personally, I think that you're entitled to a better and a more specific explanation than he's simply being "done."

[heatherfla]

Only 4 of the children live with us.  His 3, and then our 1.  It feels like it's not going to work.  Because here I am once again a night without him here and I'm watching the kids.  He has his time where he gets to find himself again...and gets to hang out with friends, and I'm here, I have no one to talk to because all of my friends were 'ours' together...I do feel like it's all on me, and he's not taking the blame for anything.  He says 'I'm sorry, I know it hurts and I don't want to hurt you'  But, why does he keep doing it?  Why does he keep hurting me...see he's been married and divorced 2 times....this is my first ever anything with someone...and he tells me to let him go....but I don't know how to.  I don't know how to let someone go after my almost whole adult life has been based on him and the kids.  How does someone do that??  And I truly can't sit here and even tell anyone who I am...because all that pops in my head is that I don't wanna loose him, and have to work all of this stuff out by myself.

[heatherfla]

He does have certain expectations that he told me whenever we were dating.  He likes me to look good, and to take care of him.  He says I do a great job at being the 'housewife' but when it comes to entertaining his friends and just being nice I've changed.  And I realize that, I have become comfortable with our situation...and some nights I just wanted to come home and chill with him, but he would have a house full of drunk and loud people with the music blarring...and I just wasn't in the mood.  I've told him that I can change...that I can be the person he wants me to be, I can be that girl that he met.  He just won't let me do it.  Maybe I did drive him away, maybe it is all my fault...I never meant to hurt him...I thought that in marriages you work things out...and he just keeps telling me that people get divorced and get back togther all the time...but thats not what I want.  I don't want the kids that I have been taking care of the past 7 years to hate me...I mean what if we get back together after all of this and they want nothing to do with me, or they think that we will break up again.  And our 3 yr old Elijah is very close with his sissy...and his brothers who are 16 and 11.  Elijah and the 11 yr old Daniel...spend their nights and days together...they love each other...how to I began to even think about how that is going to work.  Of course Ron says that he will see Elijah everyday, or every other day, and will watch him if I have to work but I just don't know how this whole thing is going to work out.....and how I am supposed to feel.  Because right now I feel hurt, confused, stabbed in the back, I can't eat, can't sleep, I worry about him while he's out all night, and still hope that no matter what he thinks we can work things out......

[teko]

Any man would be so lucky to have you. And there is nothing wrong with YOU! You need to get that thru your head. I cannot understand how he can uproot those kids and separate them from everything they love. I cannot understand how he can thro his marriage away or hold you to such standards. I do not have a favorable picture of this man you so love. I wonder how you can love someone that has these selfish egotistical traits. My heart goes out to you and sad as it is, your situation is not unique in the times we live in. You need to make some friends, get out of the house once in a while and if he is determined to leave you, then you will have to start to emotionally detach to survive. How? I do not know the answer to tht question, but if you can afford it a counselor may help you with that question. This situation you find yourself in is just so terribly sad.

[specialmom]

I could hardly read this.  This is not what marriage is about at all.  A man that tells you while dating what his "expectations" are and they are as superficial as his . . . well, you should have run screaming in the other direction.  Marriage is about committing to someone for the long run.  We all change as we age.  We all evolve.  I'm much much different today than I was at 20, 25, 30, 35, etc.  I've changed as time goes on both physically, emotionally and spiritually.  

Your relationship started with no foundation.  You moved in after 3 or 4 days?  I'm not trying to put down your relationship but am expressing that you were practically strangers and went from 0 to 10 on the relationship scale practically over night.  

But that is the past.  Truthfully, your husband sounds like a grade A jerk.  Not only is he leaving you alone every evening to "go out" (or whatever) but he leaves his kids too.  That is selfish.  That is self absorbed.  That is a man that has stopped caring for others (including his kids along with you, his wife.)

I think that you ask him to go to therapy with you.  Demand it.  He may say no------- but you let him know you aren't playing this game.  I always think that a couple should give the relationship their very best shot when they have kids.  So, you can try these things if he is willing to committ to try and reconnect with you.  If not . ..

You can't live under the same roof and be friends.  I think you need to think about where you can go with your 3 year old son and make plans to do so.  That is my honest opinion.   Otherwise, you are the nanny and housekeeper and not even on the friend level.  Can you really live like that?  What about the warped view of marriage it gives the kids?

Ah.  It makes me sad.  I'm sure you are very confused and sad.  I wish it were different for you.  But I think you should have dated . . . like really dated and not moved in together . . . and looked for the red flags with this guy and taken them seriously.  Now you can just do damage control.  good luck

[tbabi20]

Only you knows what it's like to live with him... If your happy with him, you should go to counselling and see where things go. If not then  I suppose you should go your seperate ways and try to detach yourself from him emotionally like teko said.

I'm sorry about how things are right now. I really am..and I don't know the full story but you do, so the only thing you can do is talk. Maybe he is going through a mid-life crisis or maybe he's a real jerk but I think all these excuses for wanting to leave are ridiculous..  Does he think he's gonna find someone who's going to fill your shoes now. This can get sooo sticky and he could be making the biggest mistake because he's dragging his children through everything..  I don't think he's really thought about anything.

I just feel really bad because he seems really selfish and immature. He's hurting his children in the process by just saying I'm done without any real reason besides his "mid life crisis."  If the marriage is really on the rocks, then he should disembark and move away from the wreckage – making sure to help save all the passengers, don’t back the ship up and crash it harder! and I feel that's what he's doing by going out and dragging his children through it all...

Honestly, it looks bad hun. I think you should really think about everything from every perspective and talk and see where things will head.

[heatherfla]

Thanks everyone!  We have decided to go in seperate directions.....meaning that we both can't afford to live on our own yet.....so in a few months we will part.  He says he will help me move (money wise) and then figure everything out from there.  All I can really do is try to stay stable, work, take care of kids, and try to make myself let go.  That's the best thing that I have come up with in my head.  He's not emotionally there, and neither should I be.  No use holding onto something thats not there anymore.  I'm not sure how the rest of the days, weeks, and months may go.  But I know I need to stay focused on my son, and then myself.  Find out what makes me happy.  

I've had a not so easy life, which I'm sure who has??  But when I met him I just wanted someone in my life, to young to really understand everything that I should have done.  I was alone with my dad, and wanted someone who gave me attention...and with his children, I was an only child, so I wanted to help.  We were head over heals with each other, and thought that would never change.  Anyways......thats where I am right now, and I believe that this has helped me to get it out there.....I'm not sure how the friends thing will work right now...I so just want a big hug from him...he's been coming home the past couple of nights to sleep...which has been good for the kids.  Its the physical part that maybe I can't get over right now.  I feel like I need that man to hold me while I sleep...to make me feel safe.  Maybe once I move out it will feel better, I have his smell all around me, and hoping that he will come back, say I'm sorry, and we can move on.  I now see that is not going to happen.  I'm trying to let go, so bad, thats all I want to do, is let go.

[teko]

You need to study the steps of grieving. This happens when you lose someone to death, but also when you lose someone in relationships. It will help you understand in coming weeks what you are feeling and why as well as gauge where you are in that process. I am sorry you find yourself here but you will need to understand what is going on within yourself and doing this will go a long way in helping you understand. Be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time is all you can do. Learn to look forward to future possibilities and not look to the past. You will one day look back on this for what it is, but the emotional roller coaster ride has to happen first. Just try to put it all in perspective and hang on.

[therese83]

It will take you one to two years.

He sounds like a complete B-stard, he thinks people are disposable.

I am very sorry for you, it is not you it is him.

[mammo]

I think you need to start thinking more about YOUR needs and desires, and up until now it has been all about what "HE" wants and demands!  You shouldn't want a man who doesn't want you or would do these things to you.  But it sounds like you have a better attitude, and you will be just fine. Things like this heppen to us and it's devestates us, but the day comes when you will be in love and happier than ever, and see why this had to happen.  Don't put a time limit on how long to expect your grieving to last, instead get out and meet new people and start living your own life.  Don't keep living with this man, I would tell him to get the heck out and make him pay your child support.  He is calling all the shots here, and he doesn't have the right to do this!  He is doing things that makes his move easier, why make it easier on him?  He's being nice out of guilt, and I can't help but think this guilt is another woman.  Take back your self respect and tell him how things will be!  I've been thru this, and you are stronger than you think and deserve so much better as does your son.  Get to the point where you are happy inside and don't need a man to "complete" you, and this is when you are at your best!  You'll find love again someday, concentrate on your son and making a happy life for the two of you.  His father is setting a very poor example as to what a man, husband and father should be.  Kick him to the curb and you call the shots!

[Estimate137]

Why is this aspect of men's behaviour so little understood and so under-reported.

Everyone knows about menopause but it seems to me that a man's mid-life crisis is more devastating than some hot flushes and a touch of moodiness.

I am about four-five months into surviving the breakup of my 24 year marriage and dare I say it, it is getting easier and I am getting stronger - but there are no shortcuts.... it is a roller coaster of highs and incredible lows.

If your partner dies you have society's sympathy because you are a widow and you can remember the good times - with a divorce there is no sympathy really - apart from those who have already been down this horrible path.

Keep strong - you are still young - all the best!

[Coromandel1980]

listen to estimate.  she's really helped me.  i got into a relationship when i was young, and lived with the person for 8 years, we were together for 10.  when my boyfriend hit 40 he basically ditched me, told me to get out of the place we were living, treated me like garbage and took off for florida.  i'm grieving big time.  just hang in there, i'm realizing now that i deserve better and so do you.  i always joked about the mid life crisis, i totally believe it now.

[rafecu]

I feel for you young lady, As a 45 yr ole man, i can tell you that u dont put up with that BS. I understand not being able to afford leaving right now, but as soon as its possible u should. Do not become a baby sitter for him! He needs to have his *** at home with his kids. Im sorry i sound mean, but its the truth. God bless ya, and it will be ok. Your still young so find something that interest you and get involved in it.