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I lied to him so much about my sexual past and now he is breaking up wi...
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I lied to him so much about my sexual past and now he is breaking up with me!

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and 1/2 years and we have been living together officially for seven months (we "lived together" unofficially the entire remainder of our relationship as I stayed at his place 24/7). When we first started seriously dating, he asked us to sit down and discuss every sexual activity we had ever done before and with whom. I was worried to tell him about all my past encounters because I knew he was a decent guy who had held out a lot (we're in college, also, so this is a big deal!) and turned down a lot of potential one-night stands because he always secretly liked me and had a feeling we would get together in the end (we were friends with chemistry first). I, however, was definitely living in the moment and had a lot more sexual encounters than him, both intercourse and fooling around alike. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell him half of it (if that), so I only told him about a select few. He has always acted weird about it and said that he had a bad feeling that I was lying. He caught me slipping up, giving away misleading details of nights from the past that caused him to basically force the truth out of me. This has happened many, many times and I have been caught lying about big things like the severity of a hookup to a minor makeout that I just didn't wanna tell him about.
Now, 2 and 1/2 yrs later, I am madly in love with him. I couldn't handle lying anymore, so the other night I just blurted it out and told him the truth about every single thing I have ever done with other men in the past. He couldn't handle the truth, because my number definitely doubles his, and I am now moving out of our apartment completely devastated. I don't blame him at all for being upset because I would be too, but I am just so ashamed!!!! I feel dirty and disgusting. I have never admitted the truth of it all to myself and I am extremely depressed thinking about how my slutty past and me lying about it to him has caused me to lose the one good man I am in love with!!!! He feels like he has missed out and has said that he needs to go out and experience new things, i.e. go date and sleep with other women, and the thought of this just breaks my heart. He wants to be alone and said we might not ever get back together because he can't handle the reality of my past.
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32 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't think it matters what has happened in the past, and he has put way too much emphasis on this!  You don't know for sure how much he slept around...only what he has told you, and trust me he wouldn't pass up a one night stand due to hopes that you two would one day be together!  Then for him to say he needs to go out and sleep around spells IMMATURE big time!  We all have made bad decisions, but someone who is supposed to love you will only care about what has happened since the two of you have been together.  He is either playing a game or has some serious issues to deal with, and you don't need this.  You deserve someone who will love you for who and what you are today, not your past.  This guy seems to have spent a lot of time trying to trip you up with your past, and is incredibly jealous, which makes him a dangerous man.  I know you're heartbroken, but I truly think this guy is doing you a HUGE favor!  Let him be someone's else's headache, with his issues, he's not going to be in any relationship for long!
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134578_tn?1383690151
I agree with mammo that he should never have put you through the third degree, it was emotional bullying of him to do it.  So what if your number doubles his, how stupid of him to think it is a contest.  If you want to clean up your act sexually, do so, but not because you are ashamed.  Just because you  have learned that it doesn't do much for you to be so, shall we say, lively.

I also think, along with mammo, that you are well rid of such a controlling and insecure guy.  It is not easy to be the one broken up with instead of the one breaking off, but please try to let your own ego bruises go.  Your best revenge is to have a good life.  He is the one with the problem, no matter how 'slutty' your past was.  It's not like you were sleeping around when you were with him.
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285927_tn?1380802356
Oh he sounds immature and has his ego crushed I imagine. It would seem to me after all this time that he would know how you are with him and your relationship. I mean all this was before him right? Geesh~ If he is that shallow, you are better off! I think he cannot handle the images in his head that are swirling around..... Dont go too far, he will be back and wanting to get back together after he licks his wounds a bit. Im not sure that is a good thing, but if that is what you want, hang in there.
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1506200_tn?1289884004
In a male point of view I would have to say that the past is the past and if you learned from it then better for you and you only. He might have issues of his own and if he can't get threw them then this is a blessing for the two of you and the girls would be correct in there comments begot me! Commitment is a difficult thing to absorb and if one is not truthful in the beginning then it will most definitely affect you later! And why would one want to talk about this in the first place? These are personal experiences that mold your future and really should not be mentioned but then again if you are going to open up to someone its best that you really know who you are opening up to. I have been here before and can relate so good luck and know you way!
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Avatar_f_tn
Well it's not just the past, just the fact that I was overly nice to people (guy friends, guys trying to hit on me, ect) while we were dating. I flirted a lot when we went out and didn't even realize it until he got mad. It was never on purpose, it was just sometimes I really couldnt tell they were flirting and was just being dumb and friendly, no bad intentions though. I just had a hard time drawing the line telling guys to back off because I always was afraid of seeming like a b*tch. I really do love him, but I have just been reckless about chit chatting with guys who try to talk to me and being friendly carrying conversations with exes when we saw them out together. No cheating, just extreme over-friendliness to the point where it made him feel small. It's hard because if I were in his position and he was friendly to girls out at the bar, I would be angry too.
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1486688_tn?1333857307
He should be able to get over the "flirting"...The rest shouldn't affect him at all...b/c he wasn't in the picture at all.  It's rediculous to hound someone about their past..WHEN YOU WEREN"T EVEN PART OF IT.  He needs to quit trying to put himself there and don't worry about it if it didn't happen with him.


On "seeming like a bit$%" don't worry about what everybody think of you all the time..you obviously can't please everyone.   Just start saying to those who are trying to talk to you..something nice but that does not draw them to you..you know?  Like just be cordial..and say something like, "Oh hi there..how are you..good to see you..oh, this is the love of my life....."...small talk to a minimal..then start to walk away..(look down at your watch..)  "Well, it's good seeing you again..." and walk away.  Then you aren't rude..and NOT flirting.  You can still smile and look pretty..while also looking unavailable!  :O)  Then you don't seem like a witch..just happy and otherwise occupied.  That would make your guy feel good btw.

Practice these things..when you are out alone..then ask the guy you are in love with on a date..show him the new improved you.  And tell him you realize what you have done about the honestly thing...and tell him you just thought..(and were right) that you wouldn't give you a second glance if he knew all the goins on of your past love life...and that no you weren't holding out for anyone...didn't think there was that someone for you.  But when you met him..WOW.  This would be normal for anyone to want to omit when it might blow the chance with someone you reallllly want.  In the long run, can run them away however, but that's not the initial thought process or intentions.  Once that person gets to know you..they should know whether they want to be with you or not..and not base it on what you did before him..unless you were an axe murderer or something.
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Avatar_m_tn
I believe that the past is the past and it shouldn't have any affect on your present relationship.  My husband has a drug past, and I have never asked anything about it b/c I don't want to know.  That was before me, and as long as it isn't going on now then I don't care.  He sounds so immature and any man that would want to know your sexual past has very low self-esteem.  You are way better off without him, and trying to justify why he doesn't want to be with you won't make it any better or easier.  I think that men and women flirt regarless if they know they are doing it or not.  My husband talks to other women and even comments women when we are together and it doesn't affect me b/c I know that he comes home to me every night.  It's all about having high self-esteem and not having insecurities and it sounds to me that he has issues with both.  Good luck!
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Avatar_n_tn
it wasn't right to "lie" about, even as a white lie, the things you've done in your past, however he should be able to love you for you, regardless. funny, i've been dating someone who has a similarly "dark" past, and although i love her i know she's not telling me the truth. it's causing conflict although i'm trying to overlook all of it. it just makes me question her intelligence, love and honesty with me, and her morals in general. not very concerting to know someone's lying to you, regardless. my instance involves unique circumstance with certain people with whom she should not have normally "hooked up" with, or dated...it's just unnerving to not know the truth...however, maturity and the feeling of security in a relationship alleviate these feelings in time....
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Avatar_f_tn
I would let Mr. Perfect go.  The past is the past and you should not feel dirty or ashamed of what you did in your past.  If he loves you for who you are then the past doesn't matter.  He is obviously very insecure with himself and needs to get help. I wouldn't spend another second explaining to him what you did before you met him. It is NONE of his business. Your life didn't start the day you met him.  Let him know that and walk away.  Good Luck to you.
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Avatar_f_tn
he's very stupid.
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1506200_tn?1289884004
Again, there is an issue that needs directing weather it is his or yours and at this point are you going to sacrifice some of your dumb and friendly spirit and commit to a person that might have different values which clash with yours? If so i give you hi fives! This is part of growing. Can he do the same is going to be my next question? Communication is your best bet right now without the relationship for many reasons, this will determine weather or not you or this man you love can prosper and gain valuable incite from eachother! Love is that two way street that seams to pull the two people apart. And if communication comes easy then there should be no problem continuing to the other stresfull and compounding issues that are at hand. Affection is another, being selfless in giving without any remorse or return by both partners is a difficult hurdle. Usually one will give more then the other but with patients and atentiveness you will find your appreciation!

These are some of my feelings about a relationship and if you don't find it in your heart to say that you are satisfied then maybe this is just not the right person for you or otherwise.

Relationships are ever changing but with suppportfor one another
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1506200_tn?1289884004
Again, there is an issue that needs directing weather it is his or yours and at this point are you going to sacrifice some of your dumb and friendly spirit and commit to a person that might have different values which clash with yours? If so i give you hi fives! This is part of growing. Can he do the same is going to be my next question? Communication is your best bet right now without the relationship for many reasons, this will determine weather or not you or this man you love can prosper and gain valuable incite from eachother! Love is that two way street that seams to pull the two people apart. And if communication comes easy then there should be no problem continuing to the other stresfull and compounding issues that are at hand. Affection is another, being selfless in giving without any remorse or return by both partners is a difficult hurdle. Usually one will give more then the other but with patients and atentiveness you will find your appreciation!

These are some of my feelings about a relationship and if you don't find it in your heart to say that you are satisfied then maybe this is just not the right person for you or otherwise.

Relationships are ever changing but with suppportfor one another and strong communication the two partners will be able to compromise and addapt with little aggression!

Again, my point of view! Good luck and know yourself.
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Avatar_f_tn
Past is past. Don't feel bad about it.
Be a lot of guys n now be just with him means u know what u want.
After all these time together,  he NEVER should break up with you.
I understand how devastated you are. For 5 months relationship I cried for the same thing for other 5 months!
my lesson?
Lie, always don't matter what.
If a Guy is really interested on ur past, means he NEVER will handle the truth.
Unfortunately,  need lose, suffer to learn that
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Avatar_m_tn
Its not your past per se its the fact that a whole relationship was built on a lie and the person who was lied to feels betrayed. I have just found out while my girlfriend of 5 years were seperated she slept with another man. Upon getting back together (we were broken up for a month) I specifically asked if she had any encounters (not because I was jealous but there are a lot of diseases out there and I do not want to catch one) and if she did she should tell me cause I would like her to get tested. She swore on all that was holy she did not. well low and behold I came across an email on our computer from the guy stating he misses her and that when they had sex it was more like making love. I brought this up to her and she said i was invading her privacy. after she said that I packed my things didnt say a word and got the hell out of there. Have not poicked up one call from her. Again this all started not because of the act she par took in but cause she lied!!!!!!!!!!! How can I ever trust her again the answer is u cant because god knows what else she lied about. Bottom line is if the author would have came clean in the very beginning number one he probably would have gotten over it or 2. if he didnt and he broke up with no big deal due to the fact neither one of you were in love yet and after a week you probably wouldnt have cared yourself. Now because of a lie two  hearts are broken and both people are emotionally damaged
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285927_tn?1380802356
Life is just too short for this kind of constant stress. Let him go and say good riddance to bad rubbish. You can do better.
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Avatar_m_tn
Anyone who says their "past shouldn't be held against them" has a checkered past. Your past tells where you come from and if you love someone enough you will disclose this information to them regardless if you are worried about it or not. You see, lying about the past doesn't make it go away so why lie at all? You are just setting yourself up for big relationship issues when you start lying. Your partner has a right to know about you if he/she feels that it is important. Just because it doesn't mean anything to you, doesn't mean it is irrelevant to them. If they can't accept the past after you tell them, then it wasn't meant to be. But if you lie.....gain the false trust and love from your partner and then decide to spring a bunch of BS on them, you are the one in the wrong.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  I am one also that doesn't believe people should held accountable for their past.  I have nothing to hide and have lived a pretty tame life.  But I feel like we evolve.  Those that have done many things in their past that are unsavory often learn from it.  They may have suffered consequences at the time even.  I don't think we need to disclose anything we don't want to about our past.  I think it is just fine and dandy to keep some things to yourself.  Written as a married woman for a really LONG time.

NOT fair to hold someone's past against them when they've grown in trust in you to tell you something about it.  That would make you an unsafe person in their life.  They'd be better off with someone that has a more empathetic nature.  
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1268057_tn?1379102055
I don't feel people should go on and on about what happened or what they did in the past UNLESS it is very much affecting their present life and/or will affect their future life.  Not spilling every detail about your past doesn't necessarily mean someone is trying to hide information.  

If you feel you need to know all the past details about someone then be with someone who is the same way.  

I am a person who doesn't need to know everything that my partner/husband did in his past and he is the same with me.  I was with a guy years ago that wanted to know EVERY detail of my past and present life and we weren't together that long before he wanted to know this.  I thought.....geez, this is ridiculous.  

Best to be someone who thinks like you in regards to these situations.  
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Avatar_m_tn
lying is never a good thing b/c it spoils every good thing achieved. you can not lie forever so its better if avoided. build a relationship on trust it doesn't cost u a thing.
Nakibuuka harriet
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3060903_tn?1390303996
I agree with Lourdes, Live and Let Live.   If somebody needs to know your past, and you don't feel comfortable, read the red flags and get out early. Never allow someone else bully you into doing or saying anything that you will regret. Set your own boundaries.  If you recognize you have regrets, learn from them, if it's too hard to do on your own, throw it by a therapist, and see why you're acting out in a way that you recognize is unhealthy. t's all changeable. To all those that are having to move on from a relationship, stay strong, and wait it out for a good match, read the red flags, do unto others as you have them do unto you, and keep the faith. You're meant to be happy and find your best friend.  I'm praying for all of you out there to do just that~
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Avatar_f_tn
I am on both sides of the fence because I am in the very same position. I have lied about my past to someone I love very much and broke trust. I did it due to the fear of not being accepted. And although I agree that the past is the past and nobody should be judged by it I think that the point is being missed. The point is that the relationship was built on a lie. No matter if the person is wrong for giving you the third degree ( I got that too) or the person is closed off to the point that they do not accept people for their past, the fact remained is that you lied.

I think one of the people that replied made a very good point. You cannot change the past so if the man/ woman is not willing to accept you for who you are then why be with them. But you took that opportunity away for many years. And that person has a right to deny you. They have a right to like or hate what they want as we do.

What I will say is nobody should be brought down by something so much to the point you actually feel bad about your PAST. If the man wants to hold you about you lying that is understandable but never let someone tell you who you are because of your past choices if it is not to help you.

I am saying to learn from this and allow people to love you for who you are all good and bad. You know you most of all . I learned the hard way bc i did the same exact thing as you. And it is not fair .
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Avatar_f_tn
The past is the past! As long as both of u are disease free and healthy it don't matter!
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Avatar_m_tn
If the past is the past then why would anyone feel the need to lie about it? Surely if as so many people say 'the past is the past' then it doesn't matter what happened right, it doesn't matter how many and there is never a reason to lie about it. After all, its just the past isn't it?

Hmm let see now, you have the option of spending your life with a woman who has had a slutty past, more protein than the local dairy and more meat than the local butchers but is a good girl now or you have the option of spending your life with a woman who has always had self respect and never had a slutty past. The choice is exactly the same and has no bearing on either woman because the past is the past. hahahaha, keep on telling yourselves that cliche people, maybe one day you will believe it!

No matter what you tell yourselves, a persons past has significance in the present, the past played a part in forming the person who stands before you today, their personality, health, points of view, self esteem, values, moral compass and much more. If you have someone who did not succumb to lust, instinct and sexual desire because they made a moral choice then surely it is good to meet someone who has similar values.

As far as I am concerned, if a person is about to commit their precious time, love and soul to another, the least they deserve is the truth. Making comments about insecurity is just a tired shaming tactic by the way.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I completely disagree.  As a married woman of many many years, my past before my partner is my own business and not relevant to my relationship nor is his past relevant.  

I do not believe in talking about past sexual experience and as a happily married woman, I give that advice to others.  Why paint a picture in the mind of your partner of you with someone else?

I don't think we need to lie but I also don't think anyone needs to know either.  It's fine to say the past is the past and leave it at that.  Speaking from experience, it works for me.  
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Avatar_m_tn
I wwoouldn't waste one little tear over this idiot, move on, I know you'll better yourself.
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Avatar_f_tn
love it
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Avatar_n_tn
I'm sorry but thatshouldnt even matter it's the past
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Avatar_m_tn
You are free to do with your body what you want but people is free to have their own sexual values and if they don't think your sexual values match theirs they are in their perfect right to turn you down for that. I don't think you have done anything wrong but I don't thing your boyfriend has done anything wrong by choosing not to be with you either... Who do we love and which parameter do we use to choose that person are an individual thing.
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Avatar_m_tn
I Had the same thing happen! Except, I've been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years. He broke up with me this morning over this:
We had discussed our past. We both have numbers you can count on one hand. However, he reacted so poorly to one of them because the guy was a friend and it only happened once, that it prevented me from telling him the other mistake I had made with a friend. Mind you, I was dating no one at the time of these incidents. Because he knew of the act, but not the person, it killed me that I didn't tell him. He knew this guy was an old friend from college (whom I haven't spoken to since before I was dating the bf who broke up with me), but he didn't know it was the same friend I slept with. And he had asked me if anything happened with said friend and I lied and said no. I dint mean to lie, I just knew it would be a ridiculous reaction if I told him about it.. It had happened three years before I dated my boyfriend! So, this past weekend we were talking again in passing about stuff, and he asked me who that mystery guy was in college. after some coaxing, I told him the truth. Well, he said he can never trust me and I ruined everything. Mind you, we have been planning a future together and talked about when we would get engaged and married, etc.
Is that normal?
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Avatar_m_tn
Erika
I am so sorry to hear this. However remember that this argument of past is the past is usually brought up by women who do not have any clue about how men feel in this regard. Unfortunately most of guys I know of care about womens past. It is best to reveal it ASAP. If they love you they will get over it. Remember that honesty values way over number of your sexual partners.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Oh no.  I never reveal.  It's none of anyone's business another's past history with men.  it is best to keep it to yourself.  Divulging every detail of your history is not necessary and does lead to lots of problems.   Been with my husband almost 2 decades now and married 14 years.  I didn't need to know who he slept with or details of that (yuck) nor he me.  good luck
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Avatar_m_tn
You nailed it. If you have procured a past that you refuse to share, then so be it. Tell the other that its history, you've grown or moved on, and you don't want to discuss it. If that is okay with them, fine. But if you instead pretend to be disclosing, but are actually lying, you are deceiving and defrauding to get what you want. I have never known anyone to be okay with being deceived and defrauded - whether when buying a car, a house, or the most important thing in the world: a soul mate.

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