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I lied to him so much about my sexual past and now he is breaking up wi...
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I lied to him so much about my sexual past and now he is breaking up with me!

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and 1/2 years and we have been living together officially for seven months (we "lived together" unofficially the entire remainder of our relationship as I stayed at his place 24/7). When we first started seriously dating, he asked us to sit down and discuss every sexual activity we had ever done before and with whom. I was worried to tell him about all my past encounters because I knew he was a decent guy who had held out a lot (we're in college, also, so this is a big deal!) and turned down a lot of potential one-night stands because he always secretly liked me and had a feeling we would get together in the end (we were friends with chemistry first). I, however, was definitely living in the moment and had a lot more sexual encounters than him, both intercourse and fooling around alike. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell him half of it (if that), so I only told him about a select few. He has always acted weird about it and said that he had a bad feeling that I was lying. He caught me slipping up, giving away misleading details of nights from the past that caused him to basically force the truth out of me. This has happened many, many times and I have been caught lying about big things like the severity of a hookup to a minor makeout that I just didn't wanna tell him about.
Now, 2 and 1/2 yrs later, I am madly in love with him. I couldn't handle lying anymore, so the other night I just blurted it out and told him the truth about every single thing I have ever done with other men in the past. He couldn't handle the truth, because my number definitely doubles his, and I am now moving out of our apartment completely devastated. I don't blame him at all for being upset because I would be too, but I am just so ashamed!!!! I feel dirty and disgusting. I have never admitted the truth of it all to myself and I am extremely depressed thinking about how my slutty past and me lying about it to him has caused me to lose the one good man I am in love with!!!! He feels like he has missed out and has said that he needs to go out and experience new things, i.e. go date and sleep with other women, and the thought of this just breaks my heart. He wants to be alone and said we might not ever get back together because he can't handle the reality of my past.
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57 Comments
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't think it matters what has happened in the past, and he has put way too much emphasis on this!  You don't know for sure how much he slept around...only what he has told you, and trust me he wouldn't pass up a one night stand due to hopes that you two would one day be together!  Then for him to say he needs to go out and sleep around spells IMMATURE big time!  We all have made bad decisions, but someone who is supposed to love you will only care about what has happened since the two of you have been together.  He is either playing a game or has some serious issues to deal with, and you don't need this.  You deserve someone who will love you for who and what you are today, not your past.  This guy seems to have spent a lot of time trying to trip you up with your past, and is incredibly jealous, which makes him a dangerous man.  I know you're heartbroken, but I truly think this guy is doing you a HUGE favor!  Let him be someone's else's headache, with his issues, he's not going to be in any relationship for long!
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134578_tn?1404951303
I agree with mammo that he should never have put you through the third degree, it was emotional bullying of him to do it.  So what if your number doubles his, how stupid of him to think it is a contest.  If you want to clean up your act sexually, do so, but not because you are ashamed.  Just because you  have learned that it doesn't do much for you to be so, shall we say, lively.

I also think, along with mammo, that you are well rid of such a controlling and insecure guy.  It is not easy to be the one broken up with instead of the one breaking off, but please try to let your own ego bruises go.  Your best revenge is to have a good life.  He is the one with the problem, no matter how 'slutty' your past was.  It's not like you were sleeping around when you were with him.
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285927_tn?1380802356
Oh he sounds immature and has his ego crushed I imagine. It would seem to me after all this time that he would know how you are with him and your relationship. I mean all this was before him right? Geesh~ If he is that shallow, you are better off! I think he cannot handle the images in his head that are swirling around..... Dont go too far, he will be back and wanting to get back together after he licks his wounds a bit. Im not sure that is a good thing, but if that is what you want, hang in there.
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1506200_tn?1289884004
In a male point of view I would have to say that the past is the past and if you learned from it then better for you and you only. He might have issues of his own and if he can't get threw them then this is a blessing for the two of you and the girls would be correct in there comments begot me! Commitment is a difficult thing to absorb and if one is not truthful in the beginning then it will most definitely affect you later! And why would one want to talk about this in the first place? These are personal experiences that mold your future and really should not be mentioned but then again if you are going to open up to someone its best that you really know who you are opening up to. I have been here before and can relate so good luck and know you way!
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Avatar_f_tn
Well it's not just the past, just the fact that I was overly nice to people (guy friends, guys trying to hit on me, ect) while we were dating. I flirted a lot when we went out and didn't even realize it until he got mad. It was never on purpose, it was just sometimes I really couldnt tell they were flirting and was just being dumb and friendly, no bad intentions though. I just had a hard time drawing the line telling guys to back off because I always was afraid of seeming like a b*tch. I really do love him, but I have just been reckless about chit chatting with guys who try to talk to me and being friendly carrying conversations with exes when we saw them out together. No cheating, just extreme over-friendliness to the point where it made him feel small. It's hard because if I were in his position and he was friendly to girls out at the bar, I would be angry too.
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1486688_tn?1333857307
He should be able to get over the "flirting"...The rest shouldn't affect him at all...b/c he wasn't in the picture at all.  It's rediculous to hound someone about their past..WHEN YOU WEREN"T EVEN PART OF IT.  He needs to quit trying to put himself there and don't worry about it if it didn't happen with him.


On "seeming like a bit$%" don't worry about what everybody think of you all the time..you obviously can't please everyone.   Just start saying to those who are trying to talk to you..something nice but that does not draw them to you..you know?  Like just be cordial..and say something like, "Oh hi there..how are you..good to see you..oh, this is the love of my life....."...small talk to a minimal..then start to walk away..(look down at your watch..)  "Well, it's good seeing you again..." and walk away.  Then you aren't rude..and NOT flirting.  You can still smile and look pretty..while also looking unavailable!  :O)  Then you don't seem like a witch..just happy and otherwise occupied.  That would make your guy feel good btw.

Practice these things..when you are out alone..then ask the guy you are in love with on a date..show him the new improved you.  And tell him you realize what you have done about the honestly thing...and tell him you just thought..(and were right) that you wouldn't give you a second glance if he knew all the goins on of your past love life...and that no you weren't holding out for anyone...didn't think there was that someone for you.  But when you met him..WOW.  This would be normal for anyone to want to omit when it might blow the chance with someone you reallllly want.  In the long run, can run them away however, but that's not the initial thought process or intentions.  Once that person gets to know you..they should know whether they want to be with you or not..and not base it on what you did before him..unless you were an axe murderer or something.
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Avatar_m_tn
I believe that the past is the past and it shouldn't have any affect on your present relationship.  My husband has a drug past, and I have never asked anything about it b/c I don't want to know.  That was before me, and as long as it isn't going on now then I don't care.  He sounds so immature and any man that would want to know your sexual past has very low self-esteem.  You are way better off without him, and trying to justify why he doesn't want to be with you won't make it any better or easier.  I think that men and women flirt regarless if they know they are doing it or not.  My husband talks to other women and even comments women when we are together and it doesn't affect me b/c I know that he comes home to me every night.  It's all about having high self-esteem and not having insecurities and it sounds to me that he has issues with both.  Good luck!
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Avatar_n_tn
it wasn't right to "lie" about, even as a white lie, the things you've done in your past, however he should be able to love you for you, regardless. funny, i've been dating someone who has a similarly "dark" past, and although i love her i know she's not telling me the truth. it's causing conflict although i'm trying to overlook all of it. it just makes me question her intelligence, love and honesty with me, and her morals in general. not very concerting to know someone's lying to you, regardless. my instance involves unique circumstance with certain people with whom she should not have normally "hooked up" with, or dated...it's just unnerving to not know the truth...however, maturity and the feeling of security in a relationship alleviate these feelings in time....
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Avatar_f_tn
I would let Mr. Perfect go.  The past is the past and you should not feel dirty or ashamed of what you did in your past.  If he loves you for who you are then the past doesn't matter.  He is obviously very insecure with himself and needs to get help. I wouldn't spend another second explaining to him what you did before you met him. It is NONE of his business. Your life didn't start the day you met him.  Let him know that and walk away.  Good Luck to you.
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Avatar_f_tn
he's very stupid.
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1506200_tn?1289884004
Again, there is an issue that needs directing weather it is his or yours and at this point are you going to sacrifice some of your dumb and friendly spirit and commit to a person that might have different values which clash with yours? If so i give you hi fives! This is part of growing. Can he do the same is going to be my next question? Communication is your best bet right now without the relationship for many reasons, this will determine weather or not you or this man you love can prosper and gain valuable incite from eachother! Love is that two way street that seams to pull the two people apart. And if communication comes easy then there should be no problem continuing to the other stresfull and compounding issues that are at hand. Affection is another, being selfless in giving without any remorse or return by both partners is a difficult hurdle. Usually one will give more then the other but with patients and atentiveness you will find your appreciation!

These are some of my feelings about a relationship and if you don't find it in your heart to say that you are satisfied then maybe this is just not the right person for you or otherwise.

Relationships are ever changing but with suppportfor one another
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1506200_tn?1289884004
Again, there is an issue that needs directing weather it is his or yours and at this point are you going to sacrifice some of your dumb and friendly spirit and commit to a person that might have different values which clash with yours? If so i give you hi fives! This is part of growing. Can he do the same is going to be my next question? Communication is your best bet right now without the relationship for many reasons, this will determine weather or not you or this man you love can prosper and gain valuable incite from eachother! Love is that two way street that seams to pull the two people apart. And if communication comes easy then there should be no problem continuing to the other stresfull and compounding issues that are at hand. Affection is another, being selfless in giving without any remorse or return by both partners is a difficult hurdle. Usually one will give more then the other but with patients and atentiveness you will find your appreciation!

These are some of my feelings about a relationship and if you don't find it in your heart to say that you are satisfied then maybe this is just not the right person for you or otherwise.

Relationships are ever changing but with suppportfor one another and strong communication the two partners will be able to compromise and addapt with little aggression!

Again, my point of view! Good luck and know yourself.
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Avatar_f_tn
Past is past. Don't feel bad about it.
Be a lot of guys n now be just with him means u know what u want.
After all these time together,  he NEVER should break up with you.
I understand how devastated you are. For 5 months relationship I cried for the same thing for other 5 months!
my lesson?
Lie, always don't matter what.
If a Guy is really interested on ur past, means he NEVER will handle the truth.
Unfortunately,  need lose, suffer to learn that
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Avatar_m_tn
Its not your past per se its the fact that a whole relationship was built on a lie and the person who was lied to feels betrayed. I have just found out while my girlfriend of 5 years were seperated she slept with another man. Upon getting back together (we were broken up for a month) I specifically asked if she had any encounters (not because I was jealous but there are a lot of diseases out there and I do not want to catch one) and if she did she should tell me cause I would like her to get tested. She swore on all that was holy she did not. well low and behold I came across an email on our computer from the guy stating he misses her and that when they had sex it was more like making love. I brought this up to her and she said i was invading her privacy. after she said that I packed my things didnt say a word and got the hell out of there. Have not poicked up one call from her. Again this all started not because of the act she par took in but cause she lied!!!!!!!!!!! How can I ever trust her again the answer is u cant because god knows what else she lied about. Bottom line is if the author would have came clean in the very beginning number one he probably would have gotten over it or 2. if he didnt and he broke up with no big deal due to the fact neither one of you were in love yet and after a week you probably wouldnt have cared yourself. Now because of a lie two  hearts are broken and both people are emotionally damaged
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285927_tn?1380802356
Life is just too short for this kind of constant stress. Let him go and say good riddance to bad rubbish. You can do better.
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Avatar_m_tn
Anyone who says their "past shouldn't be held against them" has a checkered past. Your past tells where you come from and if you love someone enough you will disclose this information to them regardless if you are worried about it or not. You see, lying about the past doesn't make it go away so why lie at all? You are just setting yourself up for big relationship issues when you start lying. Your partner has a right to know about you if he/she feels that it is important. Just because it doesn't mean anything to you, doesn't mean it is irrelevant to them. If they can't accept the past after you tell them, then it wasn't meant to be. But if you lie.....gain the false trust and love from your partner and then decide to spring a bunch of BS on them, you are the one in the wrong.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  I am one also that doesn't believe people should held accountable for their past.  I have nothing to hide and have lived a pretty tame life.  But I feel like we evolve.  Those that have done many things in their past that are unsavory often learn from it.  They may have suffered consequences at the time even.  I don't think we need to disclose anything we don't want to about our past.  I think it is just fine and dandy to keep some things to yourself.  Written as a married woman for a really LONG time.

NOT fair to hold someone's past against them when they've grown in trust in you to tell you something about it.  That would make you an unsafe person in their life.  They'd be better off with someone that has a more empathetic nature.  
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1268057_tn?1399131913
I don't feel people should go on and on about what happened or what they did in the past UNLESS it is very much affecting their present life and/or will affect their future life.  Not spilling every detail about your past doesn't necessarily mean someone is trying to hide information.  

If you feel you need to know all the past details about someone then be with someone who is the same way.  

I am a person who doesn't need to know everything that my partner/husband did in his past and he is the same with me.  I was with a guy years ago that wanted to know EVERY detail of my past and present life and we weren't together that long before he wanted to know this.  I thought.....geez, this is ridiculous.  

Best to be someone who thinks like you in regards to these situations.  
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Avatar_m_tn
lying is never a good thing b/c it spoils every good thing achieved. you can not lie forever so its better if avoided. build a relationship on trust it doesn't cost u a thing.
Nakibuuka harriet
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3060903_tn?1398568723
I agree with Lourdes, Live and Let Live.   If somebody needs to know your past, and you don't feel comfortable, read the red flags and get out early. Never allow someone else bully you into doing or saying anything that you will regret. Set your own boundaries.  If you recognize you have regrets, learn from them, if it's too hard to do on your own, throw it by a therapist, and see why you're acting out in a way that you recognize is unhealthy. t's all changeable. To all those that are having to move on from a relationship, stay strong, and wait it out for a good match, read the red flags, do unto others as you have them do unto you, and keep the faith. You're meant to be happy and find your best friend.  I'm praying for all of you out there to do just that~
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Avatar_f_tn
I am on both sides of the fence because I am in the very same position. I have lied about my past to someone I love very much and broke trust. I did it due to the fear of not being accepted. And although I agree that the past is the past and nobody should be judged by it I think that the point is being missed. The point is that the relationship was built on a lie. No matter if the person is wrong for giving you the third degree ( I got that too) or the person is closed off to the point that they do not accept people for their past, the fact remained is that you lied.

I think one of the people that replied made a very good point. You cannot change the past so if the man/ woman is not willing to accept you for who you are then why be with them. But you took that opportunity away for many years. And that person has a right to deny you. They have a right to like or hate what they want as we do.

What I will say is nobody should be brought down by something so much to the point you actually feel bad about your PAST. If the man wants to hold you about you lying that is understandable but never let someone tell you who you are because of your past choices if it is not to help you.

I am saying to learn from this and allow people to love you for who you are all good and bad. You know you most of all . I learned the hard way bc i did the same exact thing as you. And it is not fair .
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Avatar_f_tn
The past is the past! As long as both of u are disease free and healthy it don't matter!
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Avatar_m_tn
If the past is the past then why would anyone feel the need to lie about it? Surely if as so many people say 'the past is the past' then it doesn't matter what happened right, it doesn't matter how many and there is never a reason to lie about it. After all, its just the past isn't it?

Hmm let see now, you have the option of spending your life with a woman who has had a slutty past, more protein than the local dairy and more meat than the local butchers but is a good girl now or you have the option of spending your life with a woman who has always had self respect and never had a slutty past. The choice is exactly the same and has no bearing on either woman because the past is the past. hahahaha, keep on telling yourselves that cliche people, maybe one day you will believe it!

No matter what you tell yourselves, a persons past has significance in the present, the past played a part in forming the person who stands before you today, their personality, health, points of view, self esteem, values, moral compass and much more. If you have someone who did not succumb to lust, instinct and sexual desire because they made a moral choice then surely it is good to meet someone who has similar values.

As far as I am concerned, if a person is about to commit their precious time, love and soul to another, the least they deserve is the truth. Making comments about insecurity is just a tired shaming tactic by the way.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I completely disagree.  As a married woman of many many years, my past before my partner is my own business and not relevant to my relationship nor is his past relevant.  

I do not believe in talking about past sexual experience and as a happily married woman, I give that advice to others.  Why paint a picture in the mind of your partner of you with someone else?

I don't think we need to lie but I also don't think anyone needs to know either.  It's fine to say the past is the past and leave it at that.  Speaking from experience, it works for me.  
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Avatar_m_tn
I wwoouldn't waste one little tear over this idiot, move on, I know you'll better yourself.
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Avatar_f_tn
love it
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Avatar_n_tn
I'm sorry but thatshouldnt even matter it's the past
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Avatar_m_tn
You are free to do with your body what you want but people is free to have their own sexual values and if they don't think your sexual values match theirs they are in their perfect right to turn you down for that. I don't think you have done anything wrong but I don't thing your boyfriend has done anything wrong by choosing not to be with you either... Who do we love and which parameter do we use to choose that person are an individual thing.
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Avatar_m_tn
I Had the same thing happen! Except, I've been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years. He broke up with me this morning over this:
We had discussed our past. We both have numbers you can count on one hand. However, he reacted so poorly to one of them because the guy was a friend and it only happened once, that it prevented me from telling him the other mistake I had made with a friend. Mind you, I was dating no one at the time of these incidents. Because he knew of the act, but not the person, it killed me that I didn't tell him. He knew this guy was an old friend from college (whom I haven't spoken to since before I was dating the bf who broke up with me), but he didn't know it was the same friend I slept with. And he had asked me if anything happened with said friend and I lied and said no. I dint mean to lie, I just knew it would be a ridiculous reaction if I told him about it.. It had happened three years before I dated my boyfriend! So, this past weekend we were talking again in passing about stuff, and he asked me who that mystery guy was in college. after some coaxing, I told him the truth. Well, he said he can never trust me and I ruined everything. Mind you, we have been planning a future together and talked about when we would get engaged and married, etc.
Is that normal?
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Avatar_m_tn
Erika
I am so sorry to hear this. However remember that this argument of past is the past is usually brought up by women who do not have any clue about how men feel in this regard. Unfortunately most of guys I know of care about womens past. It is best to reveal it ASAP. If they love you they will get over it. Remember that honesty values way over number of your sexual partners.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Oh no.  I never reveal.  It's none of anyone's business another's past history with men.  it is best to keep it to yourself.  Divulging every detail of your history is not necessary and does lead to lots of problems.   Been with my husband almost 2 decades now and married 14 years.  I didn't need to know who he slept with or details of that (yuck) nor he me.  good luck
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Avatar_m_tn
You nailed it. If you have procured a past that you refuse to share, then so be it. Tell the other that its history, you've grown or moved on, and you don't want to discuss it. If that is okay with them, fine. But if you instead pretend to be disclosing, but are actually lying, you are deceiving and defrauding to get what you want. I have never known anyone to be okay with being deceived and defrauded - whether when buying a car, a house, or the most important thing in the world: a soul mate.

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Avatar_m_tn
This might be painful but it is the truth.

There is one thing here:
Every body sympathizes the girl here. No 1 actually thinks of the boy here. There are few things to be mentioned here.

1) This is mainly an issue for a guy ,were  there were chances for him to have his sexual pleasure, but turned away as he wanted to keep him for his girl(Note: Not because he did not get the chance to do so, Only very rare men can do that, these kind of men can also be trusted, they will not cheat up to a higher extend)
2) Lying initially and then letting him know about your sexual past later on is equal to the pain of knowing that your partner cheated on you.Because he will have a picture of you in his mind which he has created with love, with all the deffects you have told him... now when this unknown truth comes it shatters to dust.
3) It was mentioned that the girl told him everything because she loved him so much. This is another thing that the mind interprets for the girl. I accept that it is difficult to tell the truth of a girls sexual past to a guy. but if you had told initially, you could have avoided it. Most guys fall for the sincerity, else you will have to keep it to yourself for LIFE. Revealing in the middle of a relation ship is not 'LOVE or Sincerity' it is because of pure "GUILT" , and this guilt comes when you know how much he loves you and does for you that you cannot be happy in your mind knowing that you have lied to him. And you will reveal everything in the name of total love only to FREE your MIND from this feeling of lying to someone who loves you a lot.Pure GUILT. Which you should not have done, the consequence of your lie would be either to carry it till you die or destroying both partners life.
4) The devastation here is extremely more for the guy, he regrets his past , he will always have a second thought in his mind till he die that whether his descision was right.(Which I woudnt blame him for this decision, cos he is the one to suffer either ways.The girl here would move on after some initial pain thinking that "yeah , wat to do... i have tried but he was not willing, why should i worry about it")
5) Its good that it is broken, because there are chances to alter the characterization of the guy, he might change to a tottaly different person, chances of being rude and mean to you, and the things in his mind can also lead him to find some1 to cheat on, not because he wants to but to get his ego and mental state come down.

For women in the future to understand:
Either have the guts to tell your past in the initial phase.Take the risk... or dont reveal and live with the guilt for LIFE knowing that you have always lied to him(Note: you will have the regret only if you love him so much).
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973741_tn?1342346373
That is your truth but maybe not necessarily THE truth.  

I have no guilt over my past and to assume that someone would isn't accurate.  Sure hope my husband doesn't have any guilt either.  I mean, he didn't live under a rock before I met him.  

Some people want to know every detail of their lover's past but then they obsess over it.  

Anyway, I am having a hard time of making sense of your points and how they apply to this situation.

If people want to tell, they should tell.  If people don't, they shouldn't.  It's really that simple.  I didn't want to hear about my now husbands sex life prior to meeting me.  Lots of people feel that and it wouldn't work for me to have a boyfriend grilling me and then holding it against me.  Really unfair.  I'd break it off with him if it were me.  

good luck to all and you have to do what feels right to you in your relationship.  To be honest, I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to how you handle telling or not but I do think that if you are asked and decide to tell all, that it isn't right to them be 'punished' for it.  
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480448_tn?1403547723
I'm with SM...I really am not getting your points, and the ones I DO get, I don't agree with.

To say that lying was wrong is somewhat valid, but IMO, I think it was more a pressure kind of thing.  The OP described a BF who was very stern about revealing all of their sexual past, and she was clearly uncomfortable with doing so.  In a perfect world, yes, it would have been better if she just told him she isn't into those types of conversations, but she didn't.  I don't see it at all as a malicious lie, but rather a downplaying of the info to spare the relationship.

I don't care if she had slept with a thousand men, her BF treated her like crap.  I hope he stayed gone and she found someone better.
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Avatar_m_tn
Glad to hear you think lying to a future lifelong partner is perfectly okay.

Downplaying the info to spare the relationship ?  Give me break.  

If he'd been given the info there wouldn't have been a relationship.  Or, if he chose to stay with her, he'd feel better about his choice.

She's made him feel that what HE wanted doesn't matter AT ALL.  All men want is the truth.   For women with colorful pasts, that alone is enough to vilify them.
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Avatar_m_tn
Good for you.  But, that should be a MUTUAL decision.  As CreekWader stated, when someone lies under the guise of full disclosure, they are absolutely robbing their partner of their freedom to choose their own future.

They are NOT sparing him hurt.  They are NOT nurturing or protecting the relationship.  What they ARE doing is setting him up for a shock; one where he'll be blamed for having ANY negative emotional reaction.  It's selfish, disrespectful, short-sighted and flat-out wrong to lie about this stuff.
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973741_tn?1342346373
If you ask a question of someone about their past---  and the answer is not something you like, then move on rather than punishing someone over it.  We live and learn and basically, how can someone win unless they have never been with anyone else if the other person happens to be jealous and extremely insecure and plans to hold the info against you?  

Honestly, I've been married 14 years and together with my husband 17.  We met in our 30's, our past has never been a big deal between us ----  so what 'shock' are you speaking of?  Why does anyone need to expect a 'shock'?  That's a little dramatic for real life.  

Dramatic in general is how I see this.  Everyone should divulge what they are comfortable with and ask questions that they can HANDLE.  We must be decent judges of character.  If you meet a girl in a bar and have sex with her the first night ., .  .  chances are that she may have many partners in her past.  But that is "a it takes two to tango'  moment and blaming her for being easy when she was easy for you isn't really fair.  You knew ahead of time where her standards were.  But if you meet a girl in college at a party, you begin dating and going out, she's into her studies with plans for her future, she takes her time to get to know you . .  .   you would probably judge her character to be more thoughtful about her sex life.  So ----  it is our responsibility to look at the character of someone based on what we see and how they've been with us.  

Because with the first woman I described that maybe slept around a bit more and took her body for granted----  what if that was in her early 20's.  She then began maturing and becoming more thoughtful.  And she is a terrific woman with much in her favor.  So, should she always be treated like poop by a boyfriend because it took her time to realize she was on the wrong path?  

I say no.  And really,  she or HE (as in my experience, men are much more loose with themselves sexually than women) can keep anything they want to to themselves.  It's not a requirement to share your past with other partners.  And if a person you are dating insists on it, you can figure out if they are controlling and what they'll do the information.  Punish you?  I'd be out of there in 2 seconds if that were the case.

Now, my husband and I were both the types to have long term boyfriends and girlfriends.  I dated someone for 7 years in my 20's.  He dated two people for 5 years each.  I was a career woman when my husband met me and he was ambitious about his own career.  We owned our own homes, we were busy busy busy.  In heart to hearts early on, we realized we both were similar in the way we handled relationships and what our goals were.  He had a strong sense of character and so did I.  And the last thing either of us would ever do is grill one another about past sex with people we dated.  Gross.  I didn't need to know that about my husband and he didn't need to know that about me in terms of sexual content of our past.  Sure, we talked about the ex's and past relationships in general-- some.  But we never did dwell on it.

To me, you sound like you have some hang ups and maybe some therapy would help.  Or date a virgin.  good luck
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Men aren't looking to marry virgins.  They're looking to filter out the liars.

I appreciate your response and respect your opinion, but you're dancing around the very point I'm trying to make without addressing it.

Straight up, then:  Is it okay to deceive your future spouse by lying about your sexual past ?   I think we both already know your answer to this.

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I would tell my future spouse that I didn't really want to talk about it.  So, I wouldn't lie.  And I DO think it is okay to not divulge everything even if someone asks.  It's okay to have boundaries in life.  It's healthy. Especially if a guy is insecure and neurotic and going to go nuts if you are one over their preconceived notion of acceptable.  

I get it---  no guy wants to marry a hussy.  And let me tell you that no female wants to marry a player.  But hussies and players grow up and just because they had indiscretions in their youth does not mean that they should be trash and unworthy for the rest of their life.  I think that is unfair.

But that is just my opinion.  That's what works for me.  I don't want details on my husbands sex life before me and don't really care to chat about mine.  Happily married a long time.  But anyone can do what they want in their own relationship.

I personally give the same advice though to any woman--- what's the point in having the conversation.  and if a guy gets mad about ti---  dump him.  good luck
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It's okay to lie to get the guy you want.   Got it.
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How is that lying?  By saying "I'm not really comfortable with the conversation" a person is lying?  Odd definition of lying.  

Good luck

PS:  This thread is old.  The original poster is no longer here to give a hard time to.

I personally am glad I married such a mature man.  
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You said "it's okay not to divulge everything, even if someone asks".  That's called lying.   Calling it anything else involves a lot of nakedly self-serving spin.

If a guy "goes nuts" when he learns the truth, it is a natural emotional response; one that he is perfectly entitled to have.  But for women with colorful pasts, his desire to know the simple truth, in and of itself, serves as ample justification to lie.

You use the word "unfair".  What's unfair is someone depriving someone else of their freedom to choose their mate, and thus, their path in life. Someone indulging themselves sexually and lying to avoid the natural consequences is somehow fair ?

Your previous post was telling in this regard.  You said:  "how can someone win unless they have never been with anyone else if the other person happens to be jealous and extremely insecure and plans to hold the info against you?"

How can you win ??   A marriage and lifelong commitment should ideally result in both partners fulfilling their dreams.  Not one party "winning". Women decide that their sexual past doesn't matter, then lie about it, which immediately and ironically attests to it's significance.  Then they blame their partner if they find out, or have any reaction at all.

It's reprehensible behavior.  And most women back each other 100% on it.  The lying itself - which completely shatters trust - never elicits anything more than a shrug.

Married 24 years, BTW.
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No, please re read.  We are able to say "I'm not comfortable with the conversation" and not answer a question.  I was a grown adult when I got married and able to set boundaries politely.  

To me, you sound like you have hang ups.  Why on earth would a married man of 24 years be posting on an old thread about girlfriends and boyfriends telling about their sex life?  I mean, one post to express thoughts is one thing but you seem to be very personally fired up about this.  

Everyone is different and we all are entitled to handle how, when and IF we tell anything about our sexual past.  And if some kooky guy wants to get all mad because a woman had sex before she met him and demand details . . .   well, I'd tell her to find someone a little more mature and confident.

If there is a major issue with someone's morals---  don't you pick up on that while dating?  Why is hearing about the details of someone's past sexual experience so important?  It's just weird to me.  

The last thing I would ever do is paint a visual for the man I love of my being with another man.  And I don't want that of him either.  Sure, we were with other people but why dwell on it?

Anyway, again. I think the subject has been covered and the poster is LONG gone.  It's an old thread.  
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By the way, I know a lot more sleazy guys than girls.  Just saying . . .
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I re-read your post.  I quoted you accurately.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be deceived.   It's not a hang-up.  It's very normal.

A women who straight-up refuses to answer any questions or disclose any details of her past would be a breath of fresh spring air to most men.  They can take that at face value and draw their own conclusions.

But women don't like those odds, so they lie, simply because they can.  And women like you defend it.  Anyone who disagrees needs therapy.

Nice.
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Well good luck to you sir.  
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Thanks SpecialMom.  I wish you well in return.  It sounds like you and your husband have really got it going on.  Best to you both.
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Well the past is the past, but I hate been lied to , to me the truth is all ways the best

I know everyone see things differently when I start to date I tell the girls up front about how I hate been lied to and telling the truth is much better

Why would you want to try and trick a partner in the first place
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Hm. I'm not sure where this thread has gotten out of control but no one is suggesting 'tricking' anyone.  I just think mature people keep details of their past regarding intimate moments with previous partners to themselves.  Sure, you can answer some questions but I would do so vaguely.  No one suggests here lying.  But in my experience, it causes issues to give a graphic picture about your past sexual experience---  because the people that grill their partner are often quite the jealous type and never let it go.  Totally unfair to ask the question of someone and then give them a hard time or emotionally punish them for being honest.  

It is up to a couple how much they want to know regarding someone's past.  I might ask someone if they've dated a lot of people or how many long term partners they've had, etc.  But grilling someone is a bad sign that the person has issues of control and insecurity.  


But no one suggests tricking another person or even being dishonest.  I just think you have a right to give a short answer and leave it at that.  And if it isn't good enough---  so be it.  move on.  
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Actually, you've advocated lying in this very thread.  Re-read it.
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Oh boy.  

luck to everyone.  

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I disagree that SpecialMom "advocates lying" or "tricking", rather She suggests that certain information be kept to ones' self.

I totally agree with SpecialMom.

I wonder why one would even wonder??  

In today's world Men shouldn't  'expect' Women to be any more 'virginal' than They are - so why even ask??
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Sure, I'll bet most women probably agree with SpecialMom.   Many women want to lie (or omit whatever) and want it not to matter.  It's convenient and tidy, isn't it ?  

Why even ask ?   So, that a person can make an informed decision about choosing a mate for life.  Is that not fair ?  Is it not one's right to use whatever criteria one chooses ?  Promiscuity has been a common deal-breaker for men for eons. Women with colorful pasts know this only too well. The sex one has and how/whether one accounts for it speaks to one's character. When you marry, your spouse moves ALL of their baggage into your life, whether you know what's in the bags or not. The problem is that one partner decides for both when the truth of their past has become a huge liability, and their partner ends up finding out what was in those bags in the worst kind of circumstances.

When one "keeps information to oneself" under the guise of full disclosure, that is lying.  When disclosure is requested and a "version" of the truth is offered instead, that is lying.  And if less than full disclosure is one's preference, this should be made clear and stated honestly to one's partner.

Omitting information and calling that "having boundaries" is self-serving underhanded nonsense and gives the middle finger (covertly behind the back) to the whole idea of honesty.  There's the simple unvarnished truth.  Anything else is a version of a lie, rationalized and spun until palatable.
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I think we've discussed this to the point of understanding everyone's position.  The problem is when people feel they have to be right.  /everyone is entitled to their opinion and should do what is best for them.  

Let's move on and let any new opinions surface.  thanks
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I need some relationship advice. I am dating a girl I'll call Lori. I have known her for nine years. We were romantically involved until late 2007, at which time I started seeing someone else, Michelle, who was twelve years younger than me and fifteen years younger than the first gal. Within a few months Lori had a new boyfriend while I continued seeing the younger woman. My affair ended abruptly in 2010 when the police came to Michelle's apartment one afternoon and arrested her on complaints of vandalism and attempted burglary and took her to jail. After she got out, she got permission from the judge in the case to move to Alaska to work. Alaska is a long way from the Midwest, and though we talked a few times after she left, our relationship was for all intents and purposes over.

About six months after the arrest, I sent an email to Lori, the first woman, to reconcile. I apologized for how abruptly, without explanation, I had broken things off with her and asked if we could start talking again. She graciously accepted my apology, and it didn't take long for us to figure out we were perfect for each other. Great, you say; what's the  problem? I was married and now had two affairs under my belt. (Both women knew and stayed with me, anyway.) Lori and I continued our relationship, and Michelle stayed in Alaska. About six months after I reconnected with Lori, Michelle paid a visit back home. I got a room in the town she was visiting, and we had sex once or twice with her sleeping over. That was my last contact with her (2011).

I did not tell Lori about my tryst with Michelle over those couple of days, although I had told her everything about our relationship prior to the arrest. I also did not tell Lori about the woman I met on a married-people's dating site six months later or that we had sex. Both the last hookup with Michelle and sex with the stranger took place while Lori and I were romantically involved and seeing each other when we could. (She lives halfway across the country.) Monogamy was understood, and I am confident she has not seen anyone else in the last three years.

I am finally getting a divorce next month, and Lori and I are very happy together. Since we are both middle aged and running out of time, we will likely marry within the next few months. My question is: Should I tell her about my two brief sexual relationships during the time we were dating; or since I have finally grown up and figured out what I want in life, should I leave the past in the past? I think she would be very hurt, especially by the dating-site hookup, but I don't think she would break up with me. I have committed to her that I will be faithful and not leave again like I did before, and I will absolutely stand by my word. I just need to know if, as we start our life together, everything should be out there for her consumption.

Thanks for your help, and please accept my apology for the length of this post!
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Hi there.  I think the bigger problem is that your 'relationship' started while you were married and the stats on a relationship going long term with that kind of start are very low.  Like 2 percent make it which means 98 percent don't.  The reason is, no one will fully trust you.  What you taught Lori is that if you are bored or unhappy ---  you WILL cheat on her.  And I have no doubt that you will.  It's great now but you have a real pattern.  A strong pattern.  And there is a very high likelihood that you will repeat it.  

I personally would see you as a risky person to ever have any sort of true relationship with.  

But Lori already knows this and is willing to take the risk.  All you did when you got back with the other 'extracurricular' as you called it person (gross man) is continue to be unfaithful to everyone so it's not that huge of a breech.  I'm glad you are SURE that she was faithful.  LOL  

I think if this will ever work, you need to do some serious work with a therapist to figure out your internal emotional issues that have allowed you to be a chronic cheater.  I really think THAT is your starting point.  Then you can maybe look at that honestly and address it so that your patterns do not repeat again and you don't  hurt another woman.

Lori knew the game when she got together with you.  You were a married man.  You were not just married but had two side situations going on.  I think she'll be fine knowing or not knowing as she already kind of 'accepted' the low standards that exist here.  

You've got a bit of soul searching to do.  Telling Lori who knew you are a cheating kind of guy would be fair but hey, you are a cheating kind of guy.  If you don't want to be a cheating kind of guy anymore----  please seek therapy.  Because otherwise, Lori will maybe or maybe not understand that when you two hit a rough patch (as all relationships do) that you will find another situation to entertain yourself with.  Maybe she is open to that and an open relationship will be okay with her??  You'll have to talk to her about that.  

good luck
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