I plead for help (longer post)

[2muchworry]

I hope someone will find time to help me out with an advice.

My wife left me late last year and took our 2yo with her. The reasons she left are many. Financial trouble due to me not working due to depression. Her family simply was convincing her to leave me because I didn't work. Then we fought a lot about non-important things. For instance, she would tell me my mother doesn't feed our baby properly when babysitting (which is not true) and I tell her-her mom wants her to leave me and so on.

So 1 day she left. Invited her family to pick her up. After she left I tried to convince her to come back and we decided to meet up and talk. She said she would return if we change. She is willing to work and I need to get help for depression and get back to work. Fair deal. We gave ourselves a few months to get things organized. Also we agreed that I keep the baby from Friday to Sunday plus can visit him anyday and we wanted to make it legal but decided not to spend money on lawyers because we will be back together soon.

Since I couldn't afford the rent alone I had to move out and gave her all our belongings. I even helped her and her evil family to move the stuff.

After that we kept in touch everyday and exchanged dozens of text mesages per day plus phone calls. We love each other. She is 22 and I;m 29. Before the new year I bought her a nice dress to wear to the new year party she attended with her family and bought her some other stuff. her family, however, doesn't speak to me nor wants me in their house anymore. But that's fine since I had plans with my wife.

After the new year she changed. Sure she found a job and had to work but she kept calling me less and less. Text messages came down 1 a day. Our usual good night "I love you" was gone. When I asked her what was going on she said her family found out about our plans and are controlling her now. OK. She refused to go out with me, didn't return my SMS etc.

Today we talk once a week but she still claims she is holding to her word.

A few days ago the baby got sick and i took him to ER. She came with her family but I ended up driving her home. She tried to act like everything is normal. I asked her to show me her cellphone contact list. She refused. I said you are hiding something and this is leading to nowhere. I think we should go each our own way. She said she would show me if I forgive her. I promised to forgive.

So she showed me phone numbers from 4-5 guys all overseas where we are originally from. She met them online. she also had phone number of some singer star who was singing that night for new year. I asked why she has his # she said he just gave it to her. (New year is when she changed).

I said OK. Choose between me or them, if you choose them I wish you luck and the baby can stay as we agreed or we can go through court, and if you choose me, you should cut all contact with whoever you have them. She said she definitely wants to be with me and will cut other contacts.

The next day I took her out, bought her bouqet of flowers, took her for lunch and she said she deleted those guys on cellphone and MSN. I said OK. I was hoping she would keep more in touch with me after that but insted SHE NOW DOESNT CALL AT ALL.

I am so hurt. I wanted to save this marriage. I want our baby to grow up with both of his parents. I still love her. But her behaviour is making me think she fell in love with someone else (with support of her evil family) and that sooner or later she will tell me she wants to apply for divorce. I am falling into depression again because I miss her and I would never cheat on her. I am losing interest in my life.

My question is, what should I do? I am crying everyday and sleeping 20 hours a day. I want to tell her she is still lying and to forget me but I cannot for 2 reasons. One reason is I still love her and maybe there is hope, second reason is I do not want to lose my child. What should I do???????????

Second part of my question is this. She kept the baby since she left until new year which was about 5 weeks. In those 5 weeks I gave her over $1000 for her and the baby. But after the new year, since she has to work, my mother and I are taking care of the baby. So the baby has been with me for nearly 3 months and she took him only for 1 week and 2 weekends. No, they did not give me any money for the baby even though they work and I don't but I do not need it.

What bothers me is this. Maybe they are cooking something and using me to babysit until they earn money so then they can go though the court so she can get full custody of the child and me to get only limited visitation rights. OR, she maybe planning to get married out of the city/state/country and take the baby with her. That would kill me.

Now my question is, since I am sole caretaker of the baby for 2/3 since she left, what can I do to ensure that she doesnt do something like that to me. No, I do not want even to try to take the baby from her, every child needs a mother, I just want my son for the weekends and weekday visitation when I have time. Sure if she abanded him I would take him but I know she loves him too.

Again, taking care of the baby for nearly 3 months, what can I do to prepare my self in case they lie something to the court? I don't wanna lose her but if I do I cannot afford to lose my son.

Help

[mami1323]

So basically there is no communication from her at all?  She doesn't call to talk to you, nor does she call to talk to her child?  Ok, here's my feelings about this, it sounds as though she is living a separate life, one that does not include you or your child.  Being a mother myself I couldn't ever see myself apart from my child for 3 months.  To me that sounds like complete abandonment.  Perhaps she met someone or maybe she's out living a single person's life.  Which I find completely mortifying since she is a mother and still a wife.  I think you need to move on with your life, she is not showing you anything, she isn't contacting you, she isn't with you and fighting for your relationship.  I don't think the parents are really the issue here, I think she's really the one who chooses not to continue the relationship with you.  Maybe she keeps you hanging because you buy her things and she knows that you will help her out financially.  But I think you need to find a way to move on with your life.  You now have your child to care for.  If I were you, I would make sure you do this legally.  Because you don't want to be a year or 2 years down the road and here she comes trying to battle you for custody.  Or try to take your child in any way.  Find out how long is considered abandonment and claim sole custody over your child.  You need to protect your baby and yourself.  She can still be part of the baby's life but you say that the child needs it's mother, what mother abandon's her child for 3 months?  That is not a mother.  I don't care what's going on in her life.  That is unacceptable from any parent.  I hope you got the answers you were looking for and I wish you luck.  Please continue to give your baby a happy and stable home.

[Njsweetnlight]

First I want to say that you sound like a good man but small everyday issues such as the depression and dealing with life. Me and husband are split up for a lot of reason but the main was that after not talking one day my husband left the house and stayed out and had sex with another women because he thought our relationship was over. Now you on the other hand you sound like you are willing to work things out and wanting to be with your wife. I said to myself when going through my 2 day break up if a man really loves a woman than he would be devistated if she left him, as it sounds like you are. You have to look into your heart and no matter how hard it is to realize if she really loved you she would be bending over backwards to find a way to make things work. My husband was not working for a year as well and I overlooked it because I loved him and know it is hard to find a good job and get back on your feet but I can not overlook being played the fool time after time. Your wife is spending time with someone else if she wasn't she would be calling you because she wouldn't have anyone else to spend time with and you should be your best friend. It is hard to swallow but that is the truth. Get your life together and focus on yourself and getting out of this depression and be something better for you and your child.  

[2muchworry]

Thank you both for reply. I feel little bit better just because I got it out of myself.

Njsweetnlight: I am sorry you went through that with your husband. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions in case you come back to this thread :) First, It is possible that my wife is spending time with someone else. I was wondering if that was the case, why wouldn't she call a member of my family to ask how is her baby doing if she doesnt wanna talk to me. She didn't abandon the baby and she loves him more than herself I know that and that's a fact, but why she stopped calling even the child,  is a mistery to me.

Anyway, she called tonight and she was excited about the new job she got (which I helped her get but it don't matter). We talked and she noticed and asked me whats wrong. I said nothing, I just don't feel well. I asked is she still in touch with those people, she said she has no internet for a week and she canceled her phone. (My assumsion was she just changed the number but i can't accuse without proof)

Then she said something that stunned me. She said I have to be honest with you, my feeling for you have decreased. I asked why, she said that she has to pay off $25000 (25 thousands) dollars that went on her credit and I was the one who spent the most of it (which is true). Her evil uneducated family believes she can go to jail for that or be expelled from the country. They are forcing her to work even when she is sick. She also said maybe her love towords me is disappearing because we are apart nearly 5 months. Also said that it hurts her when her loved once (evil once) tell her "see what he did to you".

Then I asked her if she hates me. She said sometimes when I think what you did to me. (I guess she means our fight when we exchanged heavy words)

Then she tried to make me say how much my love towards her has decreased, and i said the truth, zero. Yet she said she keeps to our deal to get back together. Just to see her reaction I said we should forget about each other and she said "if you wish so".

We decided to go out on tuesday to talk more about it.  I do not wanna bargain, i still live in denial but I have always been an optimist.

Now you are a woman. lets say you left your hubby because of the fights, finance and lack of any emotions from him toward you to show you that he loves you. What would make you go back to him considering you still have a $25 000 debt and a crazy family.

In other words, what should i tell her when I see her. I just wish she loved me like before and even though i have depression, i would make her happy this time. but i am not going to tell her like that cuz she would say you broke such promises before.

PS. Let's not forget that if she wanted to go through court, the court would make me pay 50% of her debt. I am thinking to help her pay it off anyway but when I think she will never be with me I lose interest for everything.

@mami1323: I am not trying to defend her but she didn't abanded the child. She suffers without the baby but she has no choice because when she goes to work who is gonna babysit him? her evil mother already babysits 1.

Where she comes from, "domestic law" is primary law. She being the youngest child has to obey all her siblings plus parents otherwise they abuse her emotionaly and even physically. I am 100% sure they told her "Go to work and give the child to him until we can eventually babysit him". They also told her if she ever gets back to me she lost her family. That is serious abuse. They are making my child growing up like this. But nothing can be that about it. She would never ever admit this to police because for one she still loves them and for 2 she fears them.

I think she is the victim here as well and I also think she is getting depressed. She is showing signs of depression.

And yes, as soon she gets the chance (i.e lose the job, work night shift etc,) she will take the baby. She does care and love him but she does what her parents say. If things heat up they will make her go to court and ask for full custody and maybe even sue me like they tried and she somehow convinced them not to.

And she cannot come back to me now because I am a loser who don't deserve to live. Being 5 years together, worked together, everything, now she hates me but everything reminds me of her. Oh and she is not counting on me financially.

She don't drive and her family doesnt wanna drive her to see the baby after work. I think the reason is that they make her hate me more.

i just wish I do not wake up tomorrow.

I am sorry for whining but I just have to.

[Njsweetnlight]

First I have to say that no matter how much life hurts and how down you get tomorrow is another day. Sometime we get depressed and sad but the next day can be bright and shinny. I have been married twice and my first marriage I was devastated when me and my husband broke up and after all the crying and mopping around I started living and enjoying life. I did what I do best and dated and enjoyed eating out, going to movies and having fun. Then I got married again and once again that person let me down. Never put your faith in a person the only one you can have faith in is God and if that is something you don't believe than you are headed for more heartache. We all are going to lose someone we love and people always let you down. I advice you to focus on getting your life together and getting back on track. It is hard because I am doing it right now myself. My husband crashed my my car and motorcycle in the same month and then I found out he cheated on my. Now I have a brand new motorcycle that I owe 8,000 on and a car worth 5,000 dollars in damages and no second income because he left and pays nothing to help me at all. I could go to court to make him pay once we get a divorce but my goal is getting myself on track and just letting him be. The point is that we all have problems and you can't sit back and cry you have to act. Start exercising, running, boxing, reading whatever makes you happy or keeps your mind off being sad.

I would never tell anyone to give up on their marriage but if your wife is not willing to work on the issues than what can you do. What woman doesn't call her child? I trully think she is enjoying the time apart and people do strange things when they get alittle freedom. I would sit down one last time to express how you feel and what you want and let her make the decision what she wants in life.

[StepDad]

I can not say much more then what the other posters have said, Really good advise.
I would be concerned about getting your life together. For your child.
I am in kinda the same boat as you. But, I have no children other then a step son. I have
not worked a full steady job in a long time and we lost our Home and had to file Bankruptcy. When we got married I promised her the world. She came from a very bad 1st Marriage. I was never married before. I have a good amount of medical problems and feel Depressed all the time. We are still together but, everyday I feel that i am loosing her. I know how you feel about loving your wife. I am madly in love with my wife. but, I think its only fair to let her go if she needs to. But, for now i need to get my stuff together job and medical issues.I also suspect her mother is telling her to leave me.

I wish you the best my friend.