I think I need to leave him. For good.

My fiance and I ahve been together (not married) for 6 years.  We since then have had two beautiful boys ages 3 and 5.  It seems like everyday Im constantly being scoulded for everything I do wrong.  I work full-time making about $22,000.00 annually- he however does not work, he can't keep a job.  He always quits and is always in a horrible- sometimes scary mood.  I think he is bi polar but he wont seek help because we don't have insurance and can't afford it.  I'm 25 y/o and he is 34, I feel like we dont want the same things out of life anymore.  He wants to mope and sulk while I want to work hard to buy a house one day, and take my kids to disneyworld.  I love him so much, but I'VE HAD ENOUGH!  I feel like Im pulling a ton of bricks on my back and I cant do it anymore!  I'm also afraid that if I leave no one will want to be with me and I dont like being alone.  But at the same time I'm so sick of doing it all by myself!  WHAT DO I DO??

[specialmom]

Ugh.  Sounds hard.  I was told by my primary care doctor once that I had "responsible mom syndrome".  I asked her what that was and she said that it meant that I felt like I carried the weight of the family on my shoulder.  It sounds like you have responsible mom syndrome too.

It is so hard when our spouses will not seek help for themselves!  I get that insurance issues make therapy and seeing a doctor hard----  but if one is willing, there are ways to do it.  But he doesn't want to seek help. I don't know if he is bipolar or not but a family shouldn't feel like they are walking on egg shells.  You've asked him to get help.  He isn't.

I think that asking him one last time and being prepared to leave is the way to go.  But you'll have to have your plan together for what you'll do next---  where you'll live, who'll care for the kids, how you'll split up property, etc.  Do some serious planning about these things and maybe if he sees you are serious, he'll get motivated to help himself and make some changes.  

I wouldn't worry about another man for a while, it is always dangerous to go from one man to the next.  That is how we make bad decisions.  So learning to be alone when we don't like to be is important.  It puts us in a position of stregnth and we can pick a partner that is right for us verses finding someone to be with.  Worry about it down the road though as that is not today's concern.  

good luck and let us know how it goes

[Londres70]

Sounds like he some issues to address especially in regards to "growing up and being responsible."  Can't say this is Bipolar or not.  

Cost is the only reason for him not going to therapy?  Hmmm.....are there any organizations in your area that offer free counselling?  Given you make $22,000.00 for the whole family definitely doesn't leave anything extra.  

As Specialmom stated, bring up your concerns again and if he gives the "old" song and dance about why he won't, can't, etc., then I would assume leave after being thoroughly prepared.  Sounds like you will NOT have too much trouble with that because you been doing everything pretty much on your own while you were with him.  

I am not sure what his response will be if he sees and knows you are leaving.........perhaps he will get motivated.  

BTW:  Kudos to you for taking care of your family and being responsible by yourself.  He definitely should be doing this being he is 34 years old.  

[AnnieBrooke]

If you've been engaged 6 years, that is a red flag.  A guy who was serious about getting married would have been engaged maybe 9 months and married 5 years and three months, by now.  If you have two kids and he hasn't been interested in getting married, that is a red flag too.  A guy who wants to be a responsible man of the family and daddy, would have married you by now even if it was just in front of the judge on his lunch break.  I think he has never been serious about marrying you or being a family man or a daddy, and faunching around on the couch is his way of showing his passive-aggressive resistance to the whole notion of growing up and taking care of his life in a grown-man way.  Maybe you didn't want to notice that he wasn't stepping up to the plate after baby #1, but really, honey, why couldn't you tell by baby #2 that he was going to be this way? He's simply refusing even to try, and acting sulky about the whole thing.  I'd definitely give him his walking papers.  

[mammo]

I think you deserve so much more and so do your kids.  You're doing it alone now and being criticized for what you do!  He brings nothing to the table and sets a very bad example for your children. He's dead weight, think of what you and your children deserve and go for it.....peace at home is invaluable.  He';s trying to tear down your self esteem to the point that you will feel worthless....don't allow him to do this.  You have goals for you and your kids and only you will see that they are achieved.  You'll be just fine, I did it with 3 babies, so can you.  I know it's not easy but neither is your life now.  I wish you all the very best.