IS THIS NORMAL

As i have posted here befor,and time has passed since my husbands affair,im confused about my feelings towards him,when his affair was brought to my attention i went through what just about everyone does because at the time you still love them when its discovered,,but now i feel as though as time has passed and is passing i feel i am falling out of love with him,,i have had the time to deal with the shock anger lies and all that deception that comes with the affair any thoughts

[mami1323]

It's normal to feel like that.  You will go through many phases of emotions.  At first it is shock and anger and also this feeling of not wanting to lose them, especially to another woman.  So you hang on as if you have won.  But what gift did you really win?  You go through moments of sadness for the death of your past relationship.  You see them differently, the man you fell in love with is no longer the man he is to you now.  This was someone that you thought would never do anything to hurt you, someone you trusted.  That person doesn't exist anymore.  You start to question them, are they really who they said they were, or were they pretending all of this time.  You question their love for you and question the entire relationship that you have had up until the affair.  I always felt like my fiance should be grateful for me taking him back and I never felt like he deserved it at all.  Deserved that second chance.  These are all reasons why your feelings have changed.  The entire year after an affair is the hardest.  You are questioning your choices, you are questioning the person, you are trying to forgive, trying to trust again but fear that you will never be able to.  Will those thoughts of betrayal go away?  It takes a lot of work to get to a good place.  It's been 8 months for me and we are still really rocky.  To the point where I'm not even sure if we will make it.  You have to just take one day at a time.  If you feel like you can't continue with your relationship than that's a decision you have to make.  You shouldn't feel bad for that.  Your husband did a rotten thing.  If he loses your love, he only has himself to blame.  Again, I wish you the best of luck.

[lor662]

Continued,,i feel the more time passes the love is starting to fade on my part,,i feel as this has changed me as a person,,and the way i look at him,i no i lost respect for him ,one cant help but think all the time about all the bad they have done to an unexpecting person and take all the trust of yours with them and run to their misstres with it,and bring along the disrespect and humiliation also,,every day goes buy and im hate what he did,,but im really at a point were i dont care any more,question and feel different about my feelings towards him,,i think i stay for security reasons now and just go along with it as nothing happened,,the thought of leaving it all maby scares me ,also my youngest is 12,i think if i would meet some one i would leave him as bad as that sounds,,im confused

[mami1323]

Trust me, I know exactly how you feel.  I went through this as well.  I still am going through it.  Waiting for someone to come along and sweep me off my feet.  I think we do get comfortable and it's hard really to know how you feel after someone does something like that to you.  I just had a fight last night with my fiance and told him that I don't really care anymore either.  That the reason why I don't call him during the day is not because I'm playing games but because I don't even care enough to want to even talk to him.  I love him dearly but I'm not sure if I feel the same for him.  I know I don't love him the way I used to.  Before the affair I thought he was a faithful person and had much respect for him because I thought that about him.  Now he's not that person anymore.  So I lost respect for him and that love that came with that respect.  I'm not sure if that ever comes back.  You either have to leave him or you have to learn to love who he is now.  I'm not sure if that is possible though.  I wish I could be more helpful, unfortunately there are no easy answers, it's all on how you feel.

[lor662]

Your so right,they are not that person,,but neither are we that person either ,when we discover something so selfish and deceptive,,we also change as people? also i feel,for me, my husband has changed for the best he has ever been for me,,but at what cost,,and damaged me emotionaly as a person,,im still in shock of it all,this is never easy for us as inocent people,,one thing i know for sure is i have changed ,,he changed the way i look at him and feel about him,,example,when he use to pick me up at work i was happy to see him,,and now i look at him as a liar and exuse me but a *****,sure are aniversary just past 4 days ago,,he bought me a new set of rings,,first time he actually bought me something on his own,,and first time are anniversary meant something to him i repeat him,,for me it just brings all that deseption up again,i dont no anymore i think its getting easier to leave him,,

[mami1323]

Yep, I'm so very different.  I was so trusting before.  Believed everything he would tell me about when he would go out and who he was with.  I liked that I could trust him and now I can't believe a damn thing.  I also didn't care what nice things he was doing after the fact because it should've been done the entire time and it's only because he didn't want to lose me.  It felt fake and forced.  I thought it would be easier to leave but it's not.  It just feels that way because you are angry right now.  But maybe you need that break so you can re-evaluate your relationship and to know if you really want to live without him.

[jo929]

Things are hard for a single mother, and if you forgave him, and trust him now, try to bring back the love you used to have, because the grass is not greener on the other side  luck  jo

[lor662]

YES,i agree the grass is not greener on the other side,thats why are cheaters beg us for forgiveness,because they realize it,,but to us who are the victims to there cruel acts of deception they strip us of are self respect,and make fools of us through humiliation of our trust,so are grass is not greener with them either,,it seems as though they create the unthinkable selfish destructive acts,and we as victums have to make a decision for are familys as we are responsible to keep it together for them because they call it a mistake,,but reality it is a thought out choice,,it takes alot of lies and carefull planning to manage to pull an affair off,and as for the love,,where was it when they were screwing there misstress,,were they thinking about there wives when they gave it to them,,it takes alot of love to forgive such a cruel act,,i mean were they not suppose to love us and if they did,,why would all of this happened,,there are better ways to handle problems,,,,im just saying no disrespect to anyone