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I'm confused whether i should break up or not :(
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I'm confused whether i should break up or not :(

I'm confused. i am in a relationship with my bf for about 17 months now. We became friends when i was 16, he was 17 and i am now 20. i was already with someone else and he was also in a relationship at that time. his history -After high school, he broke up with his gf of 2 years, i don't blame him because she was some what of a (i don't mean to be rude)  ***** i must say. Then, he got into college and he found another girl, which he claims was revenge on his high school gf. He was with her for about 7 months. he was single for 5 to 6 months after that. in that 5 months, he told me that a "model" asked him out. i mean he is ok looking, i was attracted by his looks but he isn't brad pitt or wtv. and he's 5'7", i mean come on! that is short for a guy right?! and they went out once, for a movie, and he told me they made out in the cinema and HE stopped contacting her after that. SERIOUSLY?! Then, while he was with the college gf, he went out with another girl cause he liked her. when the gf found out, they broke up and the other girl just used him. 6 months after he broke up with his college gf, i and him started talking again and he somehow convinced me to end up with him. i liked him as a friend but after awhile, i fell in love with him. i started getting upset about his past and crying and asking him all sort of questions. it bothered me so much that i would call him about 100 times to get answers. i became a psychotic *****, it drove me crazy that he was with all these girls before. oh and btw, whe we got together, he said that it was LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT FOR HIM WHEN HE FIRST SAW ME! i mean then why the were you with so many girls then me right? if it was "love at first sight", he could have waited for me right? i really really do love him, from the bottom of my heart, but at the same time, i really don't wanna be in a relationship with him. but i'm afraid of being alone. he has blamed me for this whole 17 months we were together but he has also done so much for me. and my mom does not like him, i lie to her and go out with him. should i leave him or not? #sadandconfused

*i know i wrote alot of nonsense and i'm sorry in advance, i just have nowhere else to ask anyone :(
6 Comments Post a Comment
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there and welcome.  Well, I married my husband when we both were in our 30's.  Um, we both had previous relationships and several of them.  I think your anxiety over his previous girlfriends/hook ups/ etc. is not rational in any way.  I think that in all honesty, he must be a saint to put up with 100 calls regarding the subject as that would be a major red flag to me.

Do you think you could benefit from some counseling?  You may have anxiety issues that will cause you distress frequently throughout your life.

I also find it hard to read your info on his looks---  so, he's 5 foot 7.  He's decent looking and maybe has a great personality.  Many very secure women don't date just for looks and will perhaps be better looking than their partner by outsider's standards but don't think a thing of it.  Is there any chance that you think that YOU are a catch (better looking than him) and therefore, he is lucky to be with you?  Then it is painful to think that he's been with model type women, etc.?  I'm just curious about your remarks.

Why doesn't your mom like him?  Of all you've written, that is the most concerning.  Is it because you were a bit obsessive and over the top about his previous love life and she noticed that and decided he wasn't good for your mental health or is because of something he actually did?

I know anxiety is hard and our mind can spin a bit out of control.  The key is to figure out how to stop doing that so we don't mess up a good thing.  Again, my husband was with women prior to me----  I didn't ask any specifics as who really needs to know all that and just focused on OUR relationship which he did the same with me.  

lots of luck dear
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1700643_tn?1348985292
Ur young.Ur obsessing over his past.It cant be changed.I remember being17&obsessing over things that were out of my control(like breaking up w/a guy I was w/for2yrs then getting mad cause he dated someone else n the couple months we were apart).U CANT GET MAD AT HIM FOR THINGS HE DIDNT DO WHEN HE WAS WASNT WITH U.I know its.tough at ur age.Also the obsessive calling etc thats not healty at all.U may be obsessing because u r looking for a reason to leave the relationship and may not realize it.He is young.He us saying things about his past that may or may not be completely accurate but u know on a day to day if he is an honest guy.I dnt believe u date anyone for7months as revenge BUT u r attracted to him why wouldnt a girl who is a model be attracted to him?Truth is that NONE OF THIS ACTUALLYY MATTERS.U r way too invested n his past.We all have them.U will learn as u get older NOT to worry so much about this type of stuff.At ur age its common to have insecurities that we end up obsessing over.I know I did but Im totally oppoaite now.Im 31.Been w/my husband almost6yrs married almost4.We never asked about each others past,it all came out n casual convetsation I even have some of his ex girlfriends as friends.U have so many hormones.It all new also u wanna be someones first everything when u fall n love at17.U will have to learn to accept his past,put it aside or get out of the relationship.He said it was love at first site with u.He may have felt that.U think u shouldve been able to go around datig and he was supposed to wait for u?Thats crazy selfish and rediculous.Like I mentioned getting so made after I broke up w/a guy,he dated some1else)so did I but at17it didnt matter I was still so mad about him lol.It was a complete double standard like with u.HE was supposed to be alone while I did what I wanted.Just letting u know u could mess up a good relationship by freakin out and over analyzing and worring about stuff in the past and completely out of ur control.Take a step back.Decide what u want.If u want the relationship to work u have to stop this and suck up ur pride.if u cnt get past it move on
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1700643_tn?1348985292
Btw kiddo Im embarrased how I acted at that age but sharing it with u to hopefully put things n perspective is why Im telling u.I hope u get that.PAST IS JUST THAT THE PAST.Does he trear u well?Do u have a great time w/him?THESE R THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS NOT WHOM HE DATED,WHY ETC
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you so much specialmom. I'm actually over his past now, after about 7 months into the relationship with him. but then he found out my past then he started hitting me and calling me names. it did just happen 3 to 4 times only. i've put that aside and just choose to live in the moment rather than getting upset. another thing he does is he's always telling me how GREAT he is. in his words "i don't know them but they know me". i mean ok, i get it, you're MR GREAT but just put a sock in it. dont you agree? he doesnt have to brag right? well, my mom doesnt like him because she thinks he's beneath me. she's just being her usual self, she never agrees with anything i do. so it doesnt matter that she doesnt like him. thinking about the last 17 months now, i do regret the way i acted towards the situation. i wasn't confident with myself i would say. and is it ok that he stopped talking to all his girl friends, so he asked me to cut off my guy friends too? and my best friend was a guy, i've stopped talking to him because of my bf.
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Avatar_f_tn
yup, i was acting stupidly. i realised that about a year ago. but off and on i do still think about it. but i don't ask him anything. instead, he brings up his exes names in conversations, but i just keep my mouth shut now. is it wrong that i tell myself that it's not my lost if he screws things up to just bring my confidence up? and no matter how much i do for him, at the end of the day when something goes wrong, he ends up blaming me even when it's not my fault. but by the end of it, i'll be too exhausted to even argue with him. i just say OK to everything now. will it affect me mentally?
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  Well, yes, I agree that people do not need to go on and on about the ex's.  Absolutely, that IS annoying.  You have every right to say this is making you uncomfortable.  Perhaps he does that because he too is insecure??  

Relationships are supposed to make us feel good.  We date to find out things we need to know about someone.  If you are with him because you love him, are attracted to him, have much in common, then all of this should outweigh the other things.  Try to not dwell on his past relationships AS HE SHOULD.  That is fair to ask of him.  But again, don't obsess and call him and grill him on the subject.  Glad that is over.

You are 20---  are you in college, trade school?  Or are you working?  At 20, these should be your main goals.  Independence from mom or a man is really critical in my opinion.  That is a big function of the age that you are at and that will certainly lead to much confidence as well.  good luck sweetie, hang in there.  
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