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I'm really struggling coping right now
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I'm really struggling coping right now

Hi, I'm completely new to this but I felt like I had to ask for support other than my select friends. My partner and I of three years had broken up last October, however, we have been seeing each other allot since. The reason for the breakup was because when I graduated last year I wanted to gain international experience and teach children in Thailand for a few months. Of course this wasn't as I portabt as my partner but I was at cross roads to what to do next and as I had studied international business, I truly did feel that it would help me in the future. He gave me an ultimatum and explained that if I went that would be it, however, if I didn't, then we could focus on marriage and children which I also want. I love him so so very much, but stupidly or not, I chose to teach in a rural area in Thailand. Immediately from my decision before I went I moved out if his house as he wanted nothing more to do with me, even though I pleaded and pleaded. When I went to Thailand we emailed briefly but it was me begging for him to give me a chance. He made it clear that I had wasted the last three years if my life and that I was a disgusting person with what I put him through. I thought about him every single day. The week before I came back to England I received an email of him stating he found an email if me and it bought back allot if lovely memories. When I arrived back in England, I tried contacting him with no reply. What I forgot to mention is that we work together also, and since I was away he was promoted to manager. I arrived back in work and he was shocked to see me but still ignored me. We finally started speaking and it's just been a sicnificant emotional rolar coaster. He can just cut me if so quickly and have no contact. We started seeing how things would go again (his words- seeing what happens between us) and it was really nice, having meals, staying at his house, but then, I ruined things again by putting pressure on him. I just couldn't handle not just being the same girl he used to adore. It was stupid of me. We argued, and then he's ignored me since. Three weeks ago he kept on ignoring my calls, it was my birthday, I didn't receive a ' happy birthday '. It's been awful. It feels like someone has ripped my heart out. We don't speak but then I see him in work and i can't concentrate. This is just such a big mess. I don't want to love him the way I do and feel this way. I can't concentrate and I'm just not coping. I've not even been back in England 3 months yet, and I feel the weakest I ever have. I've been applying fur graduate roles, being rejected, my works suffering, I sometimes feel like I can't breath. I know how stubborn he is, I really do, but I can't handle the pain I'm going through. You might think this is pathetic, but I honestly feel he is the one, and I truly regret ever hurting him. I hate myself for it. I emailed him the other day explaining how I felt and that I hated the way he's been with me and he just emaile back saying, 'well I'm glad you got that of your chest.' I just don't know what to do to stop this pain. I'm going insane. I've done my research in regards to finding new hobbies, distracting myself, but at the end of the day, I'm 26, living back at my dads, underachieving in my career and without the person I love. I can't cope at the moment.
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13 Comments Post a Comment
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there and welcome.  Sure sorry you are hurting.  Break ups and rejection feel terrible!  Been there myself and remember the pain of it well.  

Listen, you made the choice to go to Thailand.  You had an inner drive and did what you thought was best for yourself both career wise and experience wise.  Hopefully you learned something and enjoyed it!  You are young and that is what it is about----  living out your dreams.  Now is the time to do it and you shouldn't regret that.  He, on the otherhand, sounds in a different place than you.  Is he older?  But he too was clear about what he wanted.  He may be a tiny bit controlling and that is certainly a red flag in a partner.  But he does have the right to say that he isn't interested in a long distance relationship and wants to break up.  

When you returned, he said that you'd see where it goes.  And it went badly.  That is just how it is.  You pushed, he wasn't ready, etc.  You fought.  He now doesn't want to be with you.  It hurts hon but that is just the way it is.  Your choices weren't bad ones---  you were being true to yourself.  You wanted your work AND things to remain the same between him and you and it didn't work out that way.

I would absolutely immediately look for other employment.  I would not work with him any longer.  This is a reference for future employment and if you can't do your job due to this-----  get out of there.  You don't want them to say when a future employer calls that you didn't do a good job, right?  And the emotional impact of seeing him every day will make it much harder to get over this relationship.  Also, his being the manager makes again for the dynamic of his controlling you a bit.  Just not good.  

so, seek new employment, keep applying to grad school, and make plans for your future.  What about another teaching stint in Thailand?  
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Avatar_f_tn
This man sounds selfish and controlling, it;s not like you were married and had children.  This was a great opportunity that meant a lot to you but he wouldn't have any part of it...it's all about him!  For him to throw everything away over a few months of you pursuing your dream shows that it is either his way or the highway.  Although it hurts, it's a big learning experience about your relationship and exactly what this man is made of.  I feel he did you a favor before you did get married and have children.  It's time to move on to someone who cares about your needs and desires and not just his own.  As specialmom said, seek employment elsewhere so he can no longer toy with you.  He knows you love him but is now playing games and using that love to his advantage...not fair to you and not something you do to someone you supposedly love.  Move on with your life, you deserve so much better than him.  Take care.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thankyou so much for your comments. It feels ridiculous that I should feel this way as I haven't been married to this man for 20 years and I haven't got children, and i know people are in much worse positions, so really, I should be dealing with things better, but I'm not. The thought of going into work tomorrow  makes me feel sick, and I felt sick all day thinking of it. I can't shake this feeling of. I can't eat when I'm at work, I can't concentrate, i'm emotional. I wish it was as easy as finding a new job, but the only problem  is that I have been chosen out of the whole department to take charge of some amazing projects in work, which would significantly contribute to my 'project management skills'. I have been told however, this will only be possible if I sort myself out. I know it sounds silly, but I just don't want to give up at my work location because of this as I know I wouldn't be given the same opportunity's any where else, but yes, It's making me feel ill at the moment. even when I'm not with him, I find myself lying in bed sometimes not being able to move. I am normally quite a logical thinker and I know I should be looking at the 'bigger picture', but I can't.  This feeling won't go away and I feel so weak. I'm so confused and devastated that I can't see past my emotions. Even out of work, I feel like I'm stuck in this awful nightmare. I know I shouldn't say this but I regret Thailand, just because I have lost the man I love. He treated me amazing when we were together, and for three years put up with me working full time and studying full time. He allowed me to get a dog which he resulted in looking after, he always supported me, he even made an effort with my dis-functional family and helped me through some really hard times there, and he asked me to not do this one thing and I did it. he told me it would be a mistake and encouraged me to do a masters degree instead which I chose not to. Now I have lost everything that matters with me and I'm disgusted in myself. I just want this feeling to go away. I'm sorry for sounding so pitiful.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Break up is rough . . .  pitiful is laying face down in the carpet crying which I've done.  Don't feel bad for being conflicted and confused.  I think this is just fresh and thus, hard to think big picture.  

There is something called secondary gain and that is what working at the place he does has for you.  You aren't ready to cut ties and officially be away from him.  If you still work there you get to see him and still carry on the hope that things will work out.  

I'm concerned about things like 'he let me get a dog' and such.  Gosh, he's not your daddy hon.   I get that he was good to you but he sounds in a totally different place----  so I ask again, is he older?  

I mean, what was so wrong with you taking a few months to teach in Thaland.  Why was that such a huge deal to him?  You were coming back.  You're back now.  Big deal . . .   you were gone pursuing something you were interested in for a short term situation.  Is it because you didn't listen to him?  He didn't have control over you?  You've written enough here that red flags have shot up for me that something is off with this situation.  

I do understand that you aren't ready to let go but think you will be there soon enough.  As soon as he gets a girlfirend, for example.  That is always hard to see.  And while you think you have 'more' opportunities there---  you may find the opposite.  That his being in a management role holds you back as he isn't an unbiased boss and frankly, is angry with you.  

I'm going to again encourage you to see a therapist and discuss letting go and to get clarity on this situation.  

Hard.  keep a journal, keep busy and try to exercise.  These things help a broken heart.  peace
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi Specialmom. I know your right with what your saying and to be honest, I don't think I could emotionally cope with him getting a new g-friend at the moment (which I know is inevitable sooner or later) so I do need to sort something out soon. I've arranged counselling and I'm on the waiting list at the moment. He is only one year older than myself (27) but he is very set in his ways and you would think he was in his 40's or allot older. He has said that he thinks that he was born in the wrong era and that females in this decade are not  traditional like in previous ages. Thank you again for your time and support.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Okay, his statement about females in this decade not being traditional . . .   does that not concern you a tiny bit.  Does me.  Honestly, I think you will absolutely recover from thsi.  I'm thrilled you are on the wait list for counseing and think it will be helpful sweetie.  We're here if you need us.  keep in touch, okay?  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks so much. Work was terrible again today, however, it helped to look over what you have sent me. I am going to be looking for new opportunity's elsewhere as it does make feel physically sick being in his presence, seeing him flaunt around the office with authority and all smiles. I don't get how he does not care. That gets to me so much. Do you have any suggestions on how to cope being in the same department with him and seeing him daily whilst I'm looking for new work. I'm confident this is not the man I used to love, and even though I am hurting, and the pain won't ease, deep down I know we shouldn't be together even if he did ever change his mind (not expecting this). I just don't know how to act in work. My friends just say, even though your hurting, smile, and show you don't care, don't let him see your suffering, but I think its so obvious. Can you recommend anything?
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Avatar_f_tn
I think SpecialMom has given good advice and insight.  I'm glad You've taken comfort from Her words.

I would like to comment on Your statement that this is not "the man You used to love".  

I would suggest that, in my humble opinion, people don't "change" - rather, it's Our Own Awareness that 'changes'.  What has 'probably' really changed here is Your awareness that He is not who/what You thought.  Nothing wrong with that - it's ALL a learning experience.  'Failed' love always hurts, but I predict You will come out of this with Your Heart a little scarred,maybe, and a little scared, maybe, but beating and healthy and whole and ready to Love again!!
I for one think He would always "hold You back" (as in, He knows what's best) and You would have a dissatisfied life.
(just my 2cents)
Good Luck - I Hope You Feel Better Soon.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your comment. I just can't wait to see someone professional as I feel so down abs truthfully, I miss him so much. I emailed him last Thursday stating that I loved him but did not approve of how he's treated me. It was a very reasonable message, I just felt I had to get my feelings out. I said that I had some of his stuff and I would drop his heater of at works reception for him. His response was two sentences stating ' I'm glad you have got that of your chest. If you don't have common courtesy to drop the heater of at my house just bin it!' Word by word the same. There's just so much anger and its so sad. I don't want to love and care for him but he was a big part of my life, and it's as if all he wants to do is punish me for my decisions. I'm just having a low day today. Wish things were different. Thanks
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973741_tn?1342346373
Sorry you are having a bad day dear.  Hope that tomorrow is much better.  

Do take heed that he is clear to not bring things to his work place.  Very interesting as you two worked together and had a relationsihp----  if one is uncomfortable with work/relationship crossover, they usually view coworkers as off limits for dating.  anyway,  I'm sure you weren't meaning anything by wanting to take it to his work.  His words were harsh.  He clearly is angry which is strange as he broke it off.  

But it goes with controlling and manipulating.  He's now playing with your emotions.  Drop his things at his home and do see that this relationsihp would have ultimately been bad for you.  

Please also know that I think it was the best thing you could have done to go on that trip.  Why on earth would you want to be with a man that wants to 'punish' you for anything?  You want a partner that supports your dreams . . .  not a big baby that acts out when he doesnt' get his way.

Please stay busy and please please consider finding a new place to work.  peace and luck
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480448_tn?1403547723
I agree 100% with the advice you've gotten.  I think he absolutely hasn't changed, but like tink said, YOUR perception has changed...and what you're seeing NOW has been the real him all along, he just had you bamboozled.  He sounds very controlling and selfish, and uncaring, to be honest.

For him to have ENDED your reltionship over you pursuing a wonderful opportunity is the epitome of selfish and controlling.  A GOOD partner would have told you that they would miss you terribly, but that they supported you doing whatever you wanted to do.  It wasn't like you were going to a swinger's club for vacation!  If he chose THAT as the reason to end the relationship, that speaks volumes, that says everything was all about him, and when you didn't "obery" him, he was not having it.  That's not what you want in a partner.

You need to get a new job ASAP, even if it isn't quite what you want, or what you're qualified to do.  With him being in the picture at work, you will never reach your full potential there, because I have no doubt he controls you there as he did personally.  Also, like SM said, you'll probably NEVER get credit for the things you've done, never get a good reference if he is holding the cards.  Not to mention the obvious emotional aspect of this, where it's a constant reminder to go to work and have to see him and deal with him.  That's an unhealthy situation.

It's hard to move on, but you must start doing things to move in that direction...seeking a new job, no more attempts to contact him, and getting busy spending time doing other things, spending time with friends, find a new hobby or interest, take a class (something you've always wanted to learn about!).  I LOVE the idea of doing another project overseas if you could.  That would be a GREAT way to get FAR away from him, and distract yourself, while at the same time building your self esteem, meeting new people, helping people.  Plus, it's kind of an unspoken "in your face" kind of thing...now of course, that wouldn't be the reason to pursue that kind of opportunity, but it sure would be a nice added bonus.  :0)

From everything you have said, this is actually a GOOD thing IMO.  I don't think he was QUITE the amazing BF you think he was.  I think the pain of the breakup causes you to think he was.  From a 3rd party point of view, he doesn't sound like a catch at all hon.  You can and will do much better.  It's important for you to explore this with a professional (which I'm glad you're doing), especially so you can learn the difference between love and control.  

I wish you the best...after some time passes, things will look so much differently.  Time truly does heal.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your words. I' currently seeking new employment. He was vile to me in work the other day, to the extent where we had to arrange a meeting to 'clear the air'. When we did he explained that he is sorry for the way he has acted, he's not angry with me and he never wants me to contact him again ( I hadn't anyway, I had just approached him in work as I felt we had to talk it out, I was going out of my mind) . He was really nice, and that was ok, until yesterday I found out he's booked to go on holiday with his friend to Egypt . I know it sounds petty but neither of us had been before and we were drastically looking to go there last year but didn't. It just broke my heart all over again. That was meant to be our experience. I just wouldn't have dreamt to go there. I ended up messaging him with my feelings which I know was wrong, and he messages back saying that he's sorry it's hurt me but it was the warmest place to go. I actually feel like I'm having a breakdown and I can't face anything. How can I feel like this abs he be ok. I can't get my head around it. I know he's done so much wrong but I still do love him and truly wish I didn't. We were so happy and now this. I don't want to feel this feeling anymore and I just want to be ok. Sorry about the emotional speech. I'm dreading going into work today for his last day in. I just feel sick to my stomach . Thanks
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973741_tn?1342346373
Sweetie, you just confirmed two things to me.  First, you've chosen to remain at the mutual place of work to stay close to him.  The secondary gain of being around him, being involvedd with him, etc. is very much playing a role here.  And Second, that that is a very bad idea.

He's really being clear.  He is moving on.  He does not want you to contact him any more.  

If you weren't working around him, you'd not have this emotional rollercoaster.  SO, I really encourage you while he is gone to look at what your other options are for where to work and plan on making this change as soon as possible.  In the long run, it will be the best thing for your mental health as well as taking you out of a situation that potentially will cause you to derail yourself (IE:  worried about him rather than the job you are supposed to be doing for your employer).  

Please take steps to seperate yourself from him in terms of your employment.  it will help you, I promise.  peace and good luck
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