Is there any way we can work this out?

[scarredone]

Hi there. I am married to an alcoholic. Both he and I are BP. His drinking almost killed him. Last year he was in the hospital due to Pancreatitis. He was in a coma like state for three months. He was doing great after he got out. In the past few months he has started to drink to excess again. All day, every day. He spent all his weekly money on alcohol, so we had no groceries.  I said it's the alcohol or me. He told me to get the F*&%# out. I didn't want to, but I told him that I couldn't stay there and watch him kill himself. His drinking was affecting my depression and making me suicidal. He says he loves me but he's not in love with me. Leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did. He is my best friend. I miss him so much it hurts. I think about him every minute of every day. I cry all the time. I don't know how to live my life without him. Will he come to his senses? Will we be able to work things out?

[Judy246]

Start by accepting what you can't change. The only way he will seek help is when he hit's rock bottom and then finds himself alone. If he doesn't stop drinking it is simple...he is going to die. Does he have family members that can intervine? Also, suicide is never the answer. A person who attempts suicide is because they did not have the copeing skills necessary to what in reality is a temporary situation, in other words this too will eventually pass. It's really important to be out of that dysfunctional, damaging environment, until he decides to ask for the help that he desperately needs. Also, when a person drinks is because of deep past unresolved issues that need to be addressed, so he also needs counseling. As for your I also recommend individual counseling or even talk with a priest (which ever religous denomination if applicable) to help you spiritually also. Please let us know how you are coming along. Judy

[jo929]

You do not give his age ot how long he has been drinking, but after awhile there is no hope the alcohol will eat his liver and he will not last long, i have seen this happen, also you cant help him, he has to want help, and as judy says he will have to hit rock bottom before he will ask, if even then  luck  jo

[scarredone]

My husband is 40 and I am 34. The thing is is he at rock bottom. The thing is he doesn't seem to care. And I feel horrible about leaving I am so afraid for him. I know it was probably a cowardly thing to do but it was also it was for self-protection.

[stillgrowingLisa]

My heart goes out to you.  First, let me assure you that what I'm going to say is no criticism of you.  You mention you are both "BP".  If this means bi-polar, then you have an especially difficult situation.  You and your husband did not ask for this disorder.  Some people can function by taking care of themselves.  Others, who don't/won't take care of themselves can go down a very dark hole for their entire lives and take their loved ones with them. Don't feel guilty for saving your own life.

My mother is 61 and I am 41.  Mom is bi-polar and an alcoholic.  Most people don't understand that people with bi-polar disorder are not the typical alcoholics - it is MUCH worse.  It is so much more complicated.  As you may know, staying on meds is imperitive for people with bi-polar disorder.  Alcoholics do not stay on their meds, and the combination of the meds and the alcohol is horrific. Alcoholism is much more severe in people with bi-polar.

This is hard to say, and hear, but some people will not get better, not ever, no matter what.  I hope that is not the case, but it is true for some people.  He has to get better by himself.  I'm guessing he knows what he needs to do, so he doesn't need "help" or "support" which is really just enabling.  He knows what to do and only he can do it.  You can love him, and forgive him from a far, but you don't have to accept abuse.  Or you can go on a horrible roller coaster ride, probably for the rest of your life.  You are too young for that.  Nobody - no matter how much love -  can save someone who is unable or unwilling to follow a doctor's advice (and common sense).  

Also, I have done as much research on this over the past 12 years, and the death statistics for people with bi-polar disorder combined with drinking are high.  It is very common for these people to either die a violent death or kill someone else.  If you know anyone in law enforcement, ask them about it.  

If what I've said rings true - don't feel guilty, and listen to your instincts.  Please take care of yourself.