I am divulging some very private, painful information in the hopes that I will receive some thoughtful, helpful answers to my problem.
As of Valentine's Day 2008, I have been married 12 years. My husband and I have three kids under the age of 10. The last three or so years have been rocky. Finances suck, our sex drives are at opposite ends of the spectrum, etc.
He has been having an affair for about 15 months. I know about the affair now (have know about a year). I was under the impression that it was just a physical thing, not emotional. The one parameter I set (ie, the only thing I requested, since I could not stop the affair) was that he be very careful and not get her pregnant. We don't have the money to divorce without losing everything we have and neither one of us is willing to be a part-time parentl
Well, lo and behold, he and girlfriend now have a four month old daughter toghther.
I am trying my best to make the best of a situation that is not going away. Their relationship has most definitely evolved to emotional and that is what is the worst part of this whole mess. The baby is adorable and since he cannot afford to pay her child support, I am ending up babysitting. I am trying to "be the better person" here. I don't want my kids and myself stuck in some crappy apartment and only have them half the time because of pride. I can swallow pride.
When we finally get it together financially and can divorce, he still wants houses next to each other, for the kids. While I am very hurt and mad, I can truly say that I like the other woman. She is very nice and good with my kids.
One thing I worry greatly about is when this gets out in our community. Everyone is going to have a field day with it. I'm a big girl - I can take the heat and I have not done anything wrong. I just don't want my kids hurt. And, I refuse to have the new baby made to feel ashamed for something that is not her fault either.
Any words of advice, encouragement, wisdom, etc. would be greatly appreciated.
It sounds like everyone is being very mature about the situation. I say just keep doing what you're doing and it will all be ok. Don't worry about what the community thinks, it's what you and your family thinks and feels about everything that really matters.
You certainly have been through a difficult time. It is so easy for some to say would of, should of, could of, but things are as they are and you have to do the best you can now. And you ARE. My dad cheated, no child but what I want to say is that people are going to talk and make comments, and the kids may get wind of it. By staying in the community it is very possible that at some point the kids will get hurt, there is no way to prevent that. They will get hurt that way or by being separated by divorce and part time families. That is why it is so important how you handle it and help them be confident that they are the most important thing to both of you, all of you. To explain that people will say hurtful things and to be truthful that although what happened (unfaithfulness) is not right, you forgave him and that the family is very important to all of you and you all decided to be a family. How you are handling this is beautiful, a shining example to your children of love and forgiveness, putting the children first! Giving them ALL they should have, not that they make the sacrifices for the parents pleasures. Having total access to both parents and accepting their sister/brother. For that child to know they have nothing to be ashamed of, the parents should.Even when in a unhappy marriage you should be faithful, because the innocent are the ones that pay the price. There is a reason to do it the right way. BUT when it happens another way, do the best you can for all involved, it is not about getting even it is about evening it out again. Today it seems like shame has no place anymore, but shame was not a bad thing, sometimes it made people think of the consequences and of how others would be hurt by their actions. There will be talk but hold your head high and teach your children well, also to forgive others, for they no not what they do. Bravo to you, for loving all of the children, you are a blessing. Good Luck. It will be hardest in the beginning, then it will settle down :)
One more thing: I do believe that you have some choices about where you want to live; you said he want houses next to one another, what do you want, this is not about him, he forfeited that creating this situation. You are being gracious but you have the right to decide some things. You might prefer to be in the same school district and bus route, but not right next door. Close enough to ride their bikes, but not that you have to watch them and their relationship everyday. Something to think about
I assume you aren't earning your own income since you have time to babysit? The only way out of this dreadful situation is for you to become self-supporting. Is there any kind of home study you can do during this time to prepare you in that direction? Anything you can do at home? Maybe you could check into your state day care licensing requirements and earn money by doing what you're already doing.
I applaud you for taking the high road where the kids are concerned, but it does seem like you're being a bit of a doormat. Why wait for your "husband" to fix the problem he caused? He knew he couldn't afford another family when he engaged in the affair and made a baby. Why should you and your children be the ones stuck in a crappy apartment? That's where HE needs to be!
At least talk to an attorney to get a better idea of where you would stand if you decide to pursue divorcing. Just getting legal advice does not mean you have to go through with filing a suit.
He is stupid to lose a woman like you,,, You have a good head on your shoulders girl.. I admire the fact you like this other child and the woman as well.. Get some more education at your tec school and get a life with a guy that will admire you and love you for who you are.. stay just like you are now.. dont use the kids against him and continue to love that other child and the girl.. It will make YOU the winner of this entire situation.. 5 ***** for you girl.. you have it together..
It sounds to me like your husband needs to find a second job so that he can pay the mother of his illegitimate child child support. I know that sounds harsh, but that is the reality of this situation. You need to start doing things to make yourself happy. I can't believe that you are happy babysitting the child of your husband's "affair". If you truly are, then you probably should consider becoming a licensed daycare provider and getting a divorce. Your husband could go and live in some crappy apartment and you and the kids could stay where you are!
sonds like your husband has a good deal going for him he has his cake and eats it too so to speak. If the kids know about all of the strange things going on mom sitting for dads girlfreinds baby what kind of lesson is this ?grow up get married, and cheat ,and it is ok. you have more guts than i did i could not accept the fact when mine cheated i left with 3 girls to raise.worked for minium wages and no child support we did not have much in material things but we made i would not sit for my husbands girll freinds child for all of the tea in china so to speak altho he did not have a child by her, how could one explain it to a child lots luck jo
O.M.G MY HAT GOES OFF TO YOU I REALLY APPLAUD YOU FOR BEING SO UNDERSTANDING BUT I KNOW FOR SURE I COULD NEVER DO WHAT YOUR DOING I WON'T SAY ANYTHING BAD TOWARDS ANYONE BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO REALLY BE HANDLEING IT WELL BUT I WILL SAY ONE THING PUSHING YOUR PRIDE TO THE SIDE TO KEEP PEACE AND SANITY IS ONE THING BUT JUST LETTING YOUR HUSBAND RUN ALL OVER YOU BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE CAN IS ANOTHER I WOULD SERIOUSLY WALK OUT AND LEAVE HIM AND GET WHATS COMING TO YOU AND YOUR KIDS LET HIM DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES ON HIS OWN AND IF YOU STILL WANNA HELP THE OTHER CHILD THEN MORE POWER TO YOU BUT AT THIS POINT I THINK YOU ARE HIS DOORMAT GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND YOU ARE A BETTER WOMAN THAN MOST
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