Isolation by spouse

I have been married for 5 years and with this man for 8 althogether.  We have a 3 year old son.  I'm 26 and he's 36.  At one point, before we got married, we worked for the same company at two different locations.  I often had to stay late and work weekends whereas he did not.  A man at the place I worked had the hots for me and kept pursuing me even after I told him no.  My boss responded by telling me to work it out because he was too busy to deal with it.  Then the guy told everyone we were doing it and this got back to my guy.  He basically believed it even though there was no proof and I denied it.  He still thinks I cheated on him.  In spite of that he wanted to get married, so we did.  After that he became so controlling.  He doesn't trust me and is always checking up on me.  He even hid a caller id in the basement of our house to monitor my calls in case I was erasing it off the phone id.  He hates my family and calls them awful names.  My Mom told me it made her physically ill to come to my home where she knows she is hated by him.  She doesn't come over any more.  My uncle babysits so I don't have to take my son to day care and my husband calls him names like "fat slob" and "loser."  They are the only family I have.  I can't have them over for holidays - period - or my husband throws a tantrum.  His parents weren't very good parents and he doesn't want to associate with them either.  He intercepted calls from my friends and erased them off the machine and the id, so I wouldn't know they called.  He made it so impossible for me to have friends, that my friends said "you know what?  this isn't worth the trouble" and who can blame them?  I talk to my Mom secretly because if he found out he'd at the very least start a fight and possibly hurt me.  I was hurt at work in September and now I rarely leave the house because I don't know when pain will strike me.  The only "firends" i had were at work, and now I don't even have them. I dread his days off because I know it will just be 2 days of misery.  He gets mad at me because I don't feel up to doing certain things.  He gets mad because we're low on money, but he spends it all on motorcycles and fourwheelers and trucks and payments for things we don't need.  Then we can't afford to use the stuff because licens is too much$ or gas is too much.  We live in a small town in MT and there's not much to do in winter, but he's mad at me because I can't think of anything we can go and do.  He gets mad at me because our boy doesn't have anyone to play with, but all my friends who now have kids don't want to deal with his s*#t.  He guilts me into babysitting his friend's kid so they can go do things while I stay at home with the kids.  I keep finding empty beer bottles and bottle caps and beer cans and he says his friend was drinking.  I am not "allowed" to drink because my father died from alcoholism and my husband says he thinks I will become one too.  I just feel isolated and trapped.  I feel betrayed by him and his behavior.  He has pushed me down to the floor so hard once, his hand prints were left on my chest.  If I get scared and try to call the cops he tries to get my cell phone from me which sometimes means I get hurt.  I'm afraid to do anything because he gets mad at the drop of a hat.  It could be an error in the check book or that the house is cluttered.  I feel invisible to him, yet under a magnifying glass at the same time.  I'm terrified and alone.  I don't want my little boy to grow and be like his dad.  We have so many bills (that I take care of) and we have dogs to take care of and other animals like fish that can't be moved easily.  I'm afraid to just flee our home with my son because I'm afraid he won't take care of them or he might hurt them.  I'm so confused and scared.  Shelters are just not an option where we live.  I know I should be able to leave and help myself, but I'm just a mess and I am so overwhelmed by my work injuries and pain.  I don't know what to do.  Thanks for listening.

[sara......]

Well for gods sake LEAVE HIM. He is treating you unforgivably.

Do not become one of those women who compain all the time about how bad it is and then do nothing to change their lives or help themselves.

I am not saying this to be mean, but to offer you a solution to your problems so you can be happy.

Teko gives you good practical advise about leaving. Take it.

Remember, only you can change your life. If your scared of what he'll do when you leave, go far away.

Good luck.

[ibizan]

my heart goes out 2 u.....u must leave this abuse and i understand how u feel about the animals.there are rescue groups who foster animals regarding the situation ur in....please research this......i know u will not rest easy until u know their placed...then make ur plan and take ur child and go......it will only get worse.

[PhenomenalWoman]

Sweetheart...There's one thing that I can tell you is if you can't find the strength to leave him for what he may do to you then find the strength to leave him for what he might to yall child...do it for him!  The safety of your son depends on the safety of you!  I can't imagine what you are going threw but you may have lost touch with your friends but family is forever.  Get up with a family relative and see if you can make arangements to stay with them, keep an eye out for other jobs in that area for relocatiing and only allow your Mom to know where you are.  Once you've made the arrangements then wait until he leaves for work and pack up you and your child things and LEAVE!  But when you do leave make sure that you go straight to the ATM where you usually go to or go to the bank and dissolve that account and use that to take care of you and your son on your way to your hide out.  Then I would get a restraining order on him so that (God forbid) if anything happens to you your family and the law know just who to go to!  Get a P.O Box and like I said find a relative or friend that he doesn't know about and stay with them for a little bit....At this point forget the animals this is self -persevation!.......PLEASE!  For the sake of your child if not for yourself!  If somethings happens to you then your son will be unprotected from his Dad and may become like him...don't let that happen!

[Cerise]

You've got to ask yourself, why did he marry you when he believed you'd cheated on him? Perhaps, so he has something to hold 'over' you for the rest of your days together? Don't buy into this. He just sounds untrusting and controlling and if you genuinely are trustworthy and have never done anything to deserve his mistrust then it sounds like you're just being used as a punching bag. Let me get this right: you pay the bills? So what's keeping you there? Do whatever it takes to make him realise he needs to change to keep you: move in with your parents, friends, whoever is willing to help. Or better still, kick him out, considering you pay the bills! Yes, your son will probably grow up disrespecting women if you allow this to happen in front of him.

[theresashealth]

Sadly I am right there with you, Although it takes allot for me to be honest and admit I did cheat at one time that is my demon inside that I live with. Our curcumstances are so very alike in most ways but so very different.
There are some thoughts that come to mind, things that I dont understand.
May I ask why you married a man knowing that he thought of you as such a person from the start(before the marriage) ????You  obviously thought you were in love. Okay this is understandable, but I think your self esteem issues must go back further than him. I know most women out there would take this acusation of cheating as an insult of who they are as a person. He insists you cheated and did not believe you. If you did not cheat then he is basically calling you a lier a cheater, basically a ***** and then you were married. I feel sad for your situation because I now know what it feels like to be that person. It is like prison at times. In my case it is my own prison, I created it and now I have to rebuild my marrriage or make the disicion to leave. Im lost, but I cant find the strength inside either. BUT THEN..... think about your children.
They are groing up looking through inocent unknowing eyes. Children mirror thier role models. think about the fact that your children are learning at this very moment that this is what being grow up is all about, and from your example the imprint left as they experience theese first experiences of what they know to be reality is being mapped into thier future. Some day they will be you.........DO SOMETHING!!!!!!
Why did you not get help earlier in your relationship?

[theresashealth]

Please excuse my spelling and grammar. Im really sorry, I wanted to reply but Im having difficulties due to an eye infection.  I just want to wish you the best and let you know you can find it within yourself, It may just not be for yourself.
You will come to a point when you feel so beaten down and afraid that you may have to find it within yourself to make a change for someone else...Your children will become all that is good and all your strength. Its amazing how much power tjier is in the love of a parent and child. "fear" in itself is one of the strongest motivations for change,emotional or physical. What other role does fear play in our lives? without we would not "fight or flight.
There are always two sides to the story. Do you talk enough to even know if your stories are the same?

[theresashealth]

Please excuse my spelling and grammar. Im really sorry, I wanted to reply but Im having difficulties due to an eye infection.  I just want to wish you the best and let you know you can find it within yourself, It may just not be for yourself.
You will come to a point when you feel so beaten down and afraid that you may have to find it within yourself to make a change for someone else...Your children will become all that is good and all your strength. Its amazing how much power tjier is in the love of a parent and child. "fear" in itself is one of the strongest motivations for change,emotional or physical. What other role does fear play in our lives? without we would not "fight or flight.
There are always two sides to the story. Do you talk enough to even know if your stories are the same?

[rattyrandi]

I want to thank everyone who responded to my post.  It is sad to say, but this is the only place where I feel I have found any support.  My mom knows what goes on and does not get involved because she lives in another city and she also does not want to make it worse for me.  We are not close.  She's the only family I have. I am the only one to blame for my situation because I am making the choice to stay in it.  Regardless of the fact that I am afraid to leave, that I feel financially trapped by debts we share, and that I may lose my job if I am not able to heal and get back to work, I have the option to leave.  I feel as though my reasons are looked on as excuses by the people who have been my family and friends.  If you have not been in this type of relationship, you probably do not understand.  Of course there are two sides to every story.  His side is that everything is my fault.  I didn't stop him from buying these things when we couldn't afford them.  I don't have to drive an extra two hours for work, so I don't work as hard as he does.  I am a good cook and that's why he's overweight.  My side of the story:  I'm starting to believe what he says because I'm losing every sense of who I am (or was) or whatever.  I think he cheated on me (I have good reason to believe) and then turned around and accused me to take the heat off himself.  I am not allowed to bring his questionable actions up, but he feels he is entitled to bring up mine.  I have tried to get him to counseling, I have gone to counseling alone.  I love him very much, but sometimes love just isn't enough.  Once again, I can not thank you all enough for the kindness and support you have shown me.  I can not check in here every day, but I will touch base as I can.  I have issued an ultimatum to my husband, which may have been risky, but it is the last card I have to play before I can throw in my hand.  I told him he goes to anger management/abuse counseling or I will go get a TRO and a temporary support order. I am reading alot to educate myself about abuse and ways to combat it.  I feel a little stronger right now emotionally.  I have alot of time to think.  Well thanks again for everything.  I'll let you know.

[Jaybay]

While you're reading, do a Google search on 'domestic abuse' and keep some hotline numbers handy.  Maybe pre-program into your cell phone under something innocuous like 'Emergency Contacts" or even a co-worker's name.  His violent behavior appears to be escalating, and you need to at least have a plan in place if you need to grab the kids and get out fast.

You can't fix this guy.  You aren't to blame for his behavior.  Tell your self that 100 times a day if you have to in order to start believing it.  You really are stronger than you believe you are.

[ibizan]

women or men who are in a situation like urs just don't pick up and leave pronto!u've been 2 gether a few years have a home debts child animals......and if u've decided to leave ur developing a plan which takes TIME to implement!And the situation isn't ur fault.....we go in2 things with what we know and feel and changes come at us like curve balls......problems 2 from the other half..we're stunned we duck then we spring int2 action which is ur plan.U have a good head on ur shoulders and are thinking methodically...u know what ur doing....and i'm behind u!please keep us posted and try to have a good holiday!and no love is not enough......i loved my x..very much...but after he relapsed with cocaine after 4 years and turned in2 the most verbally and mentally abusive piece of poop...i had to leave for my sanity and my sobriety!

[rattyrandi]

There's a book my mom sent me called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.  I have read it and reread it many times now and it has been an effective tool for pulling the rug out from under some of the abusive/controlling tactics my husband has employed.  It is a good book regardless if you are in a relationship with an abuser.  It has even given me strategies for dealing with other manipulative people.  Thanks for writing me.  I know I am not the only one going through this, but it is reassuring to know people are behind me and know what I'm going through.  I wish you happy holidays!

[ibizan]

I am a substance abuse counselor dayjob.in my 20 some years of doing this MANY women in ur situation with same hub dynamics..just add alcohol/drugs 2 the mix ask me....when will i know when its time to go?My reply is there is this lil voice within u.It b-gins 2 get louder and louder and LOUDER and one day it yells NOW DAMNIT time to go!and u will know 4 ur getting all ur ducks in a row!U have plenty of company in this....which is sad but true.But ur moving along.....and i know u'll keep us posted.the best 2 u and ur son and animals for the holiday!

[ganne]

RR,
I have been where you have been~I had lived under that kind of control for 12 years and I am proud of you that you are reaching out for help and telling someone about what is going on.  I stayed quiet about my abuse for almost 12 years, but the people closest to me could see it and didn't know how to help me because I declared that I loved him and was going to stick by him but of course, I was just being a martyr like you are, trying to believe the best in my mate and being treated terribly thinking that God wanted me to stay in an unhealthy relationship.  Ratty, God does not want you in that relationship and He will help you get out of it, but you must be the one to make the final decision to leave.  It is hard because you have a child, but your child will grow up to learn that kind of behavior and you don't want that.  My ex~husband called me mean names of all sorts trying to malign my self~esteem because I had confidence in my self and he didn't~I am sure that is the way with you and your husband~deep down he lacks confidence and let me tell you honey, you cannot give it to him~a person must have confidence within themselves.  No matter how hard you try to please him, it will never be good enough.  The problem is not you, it is him.  I would like to say that my ex~husband also alienated me from my family and friends and tried everything he possibly could do to keep me from them~constantly using his emotional illnesses and also saying mean things about my family and friends etc. saying I didn't need to be around them as much. My ex~husband also did what yours is doing~leaving just enough marks on you to make you afraid of him but you think to yourself, "Oh maybe I am making this out to be too much when he grabs me and leaves marks" (for example grabbing your face, grabbing your upper arm, your breast area, pushing/knocking you down when you are trying to reason with him)~areas that people generally may not see.  My ex~husband also spent money on vehicles, 9 guitars, unnecessary clothes, you name it~he didn't need it ~and I paid for it working long hours while he took it easy barely working but using me to pay for his frivolities.  
Honestly honey, you need to leave ~you cannot help him and he will not change if he is that selfish and abusive.  Start taking things out of the house now little by little and store them at a friends
Tell him animals are dying etc. whatever it takes.  Get your pictures out,  save some money here and there and make your plans slowly to leave and don't make him mad.  I will write more when I have time.  I am praying for you sweetie.  God Bless,   Ganne ;)

[ganne]

Just wanted to say, do what you have to do to leave~whether it be going back to live with your mother (that's what  did) or a friend etc.  The further away the better and get a bulldog for a lawyer so that he will warn him to keep away.  If he lays another finger on you and leaves marks, file a report to the police so that he will have limited visitation with your son~your son will turn out better in the end with less time with him.  If he hurts you physically again, he will have to spend at least a week in jail, giving you enough time to get everything out that you need to and then he will also probably have to go through abuse counseling.  Your lawyer most if not all the talking for you. Don't cave in, once you leave~decide you want a better life for you and your child.  Those bills will be split and if he is buying toys like 4 wheelers and such and he wants to keep them, the judge will see that it will be his responsiblity to pay for them~my husband had to pay for the things he kept in his possession.  Make copies of titles, income taxes, take pictures of things in the house that he might try to take out of the house for proof  (for example, my ex~husband had 9 guitars and he took out 3 of them)~Make this time with him COUNT and get all the evidence you need while making your plans to leave.  When you leave, take time to heal with your injuries and your emotional health~you deserve it~you have worked hard long hours and put your time in.  Live with someone who will nurture you and help you heal.  Once again, take care Sweetie,  Ganne

[DLG5]

Good heavens.  There's always two sides to every story,  but you all have just bought her story hook, line and sinker.   I could say some of the same things about my spouse,  and she could say the same things about me.   It's all perspective.  We see what we want to see.   Don't complain about what you allow.

It it's so bad,  get out and get on with your life.  Don't lay around a whine about what you permit.

[rattyrandi]

What you should have said is PERCEPTION IS REALITY, not "It's all perspective."  Tell that to a woman who's been beaten by her partner.  But then, I guess you'd say she's just looking at it with a bad perspective.  If you don't know what the hell you're talking about, don't pretend to.  

[chigirl29]

DLG5's post to Ousted contained:

"We have not had sex in 9 years!"  Referring to his wife.

Now, we know why he is so grouchy on all his posts:)

[DLG5]

Cool.  I'm glad someone finally has the answer for me.   I'm grouchy because I haven't had sex in 9 years.  Wow,  what a concept!  You really had to dig deep into my message to come up with that childish cut.

Really now,  do you think I don't know that??   I have a really bad attitude concerning women,  and I'm sure it's because of my relationship (or lack thereof) with my wife.   She has a serious case of OCD,  That's obsessive compulsive disorder for those of you less edumucated.   Because of the "perfectionism" nothing or nobody can live up to the standards she has set for herself and everyone else in her narrow life's view.  So I am already dead in the water before I get started.   I can't think of one single thing I've ever done that has pleased her.   For 25 years,  every Christmas gift,  every birthday gift returned and/or exchanged.  Every attempt at acceptance beat down.  Live with that for 25 years and then judge me.

And you ignored much of my previous message.  If it's that bad, get out.  Don't complain about what you allow.  Before blaming others for your problems,  just make sure you look in your own room first.  That's all I was saying.

I can't leave now because of finances.   I have 6 more years on my mortgage,  and then I'm leaving.  

[redneckmom]

I have to agree with dlg5.  I grew up watching a very violent relationship.  As a child I didn't understand why this guy was so mean to this woman.  Now as an adult who watched for 20years I know that over half of the time she asked for it.  She knew exactly what was going to happen and "poked the bear" until he snapped.  I am not by any means justifying spousal abuse.  Lets keep that straight.  I just want to say that she may want to take an honest look at if she is contributing to the problem.  

I also want to add that she needs to GROW UP AND GET OUT IF IT IS SOOOO BAD  And yes I have been in a relationship like this.  I have watched relationships like this.  BE AN ADULT AND MAKE A DECISION  Who is more important; you, your son, or your husband?  FIGURE IT OUT LADY  GROW UP!!  You can whine about it and get others heart going out to you or you can grow up and leave.  Get on with your life one way or another.  Good Grief

[DLG5]

Wow,  I didn't think it possible, but there is a woman who may just understand.   "Poked the bear until he snapped"  good analogy.  You DO understand!

[rattyrandi]

Just a little update as it has been a long time since I've been back to medhelp.  Once again, I thank all of you for your thougts - even the grouchy old bears.  I did end up losing my job due to my injury.  My husband never did go to therapy.  We ended up having a double tragedy in April - my father was in a motorcycle accident in March, was taken off life support and died on my son's 4th birthday.  My husband's father went into a coma and became septic while we were in Colorado visiting my father in the hospital, and he died the day after we got back. Neither of us was stable, but somehow we got each other through it.  I saw for the first time that my husband has feelings.  I know that may sound absurd - everyone has feelings right? But, I had never seen him sad or crying and I did not feel he was capable of caring for anyone but himself.  Not only did he drive me to Colorado to see my father when he was in a coma - 1100 miles one way, but at the same time he was losing his father.  We still argue - who doesn't - but I am seeing that in his own way, his behaviors were because he felt I needed protecting from people who were treating me like s**t - he just didn't realize that by his doing so, he was treating me like s**t also.  So for the time being, we are still hanging in there.  I have a plan now - just in case - and I am working on getting the finances under control so it does not govern my decision.  I will only be a victim if I allow myself to be victimized.  Thanks to everyone!  You guys are awesome.