Kicked to the curb

I "was" dating a man for the last year... he was diagnosed and treated for cancer of the tongue and we went through 5 months of surgery , radiation treatment etc. he became extremely negative during the last 3-4 weeks, combative and non compliant..... I asked that he move back home after he was able to care for himself.... he now told me he "needs a break"    No good deed goes unpunished..... I took endless time off work, cried a river of tears......

[dove3053]

At least you didn't spend more than a year with him. Maybe being sick like that changed him for some reason. Maybe you will reconnect with him sometime in the future.  I guess nothing lasts forever these days.

Take Care,

Dove

[ibizan]

ah girl..they do these things..i have had more love genuiness honesty and companionship with my 2 greyhounds and 3 cats than i've had with any male beast!they are a trifling lot..u don't NEED one to survive....just a want!fav song is Bonnie Raitss..I can't make u love me!

[slow_healer]

Cancer is emotionally devastating on everyone - the patient and those who love them. Without knowing more details about your situation, it sounds to me like he's pushing you away. You were only together for a few (6?) months before getting this heavy news. Now he's battling a potentially terminal condition, may need to come to terms with even acknowledging how serious the situation is, and he's watching you fall apart with him. Trust me, he wants to take care of you and prove his value as your partner - not have you devote yourself to taking care of him while he's in this pitiful state. It might simply be too humiliating and shameful for him.

Of course that doesn't make it fair to you, and you have every right to be upset. But with something like this, which could go on for a long time, it can all be too much for any person to handle. He might need a "break", but probably more to get a grip on himself than your relationship. Give him space and don't beat yourself up - you haven't done anything wrong. Cancer is never easy on anyone - patient and loved one alike.

[ibizan]

yes cancer is devastating...and u make valid points.Women always seem to be the givers the caretakers of men with getting very little in return....tuareg could give give give and get nothing back because of his cancer......his reason.....it is good that she leave him b....and if she truly means something to him he will come back...and she will decide if its worth it.I see lots of women giving giving giving  and ending up empty.Relationships have a element of reciprocity.....they should but if more men viewed things that way the world would be a better loving place for all!No one can truly say whats in his head/heart but him....anything else is sheer conjecture!

[slow_healer]

ibizan, what is he going to give back? As a man his value is already diminished - he isn't functional, he might be sick forever, he might die in the next couple years. What has he contributed to the relationship but grief that he can't control - especially to a woman he hasn't known for relatively long.

Women are caregivers in how they define caregiving (e.g. cleaning up after him, cooking meals, etc.). Somehow women give and give and GIVE, expecting that they're going to get some big payoff back. When along the lines is it ever communicated that the woman is expecting that exact kind of caring back? And NO you can't just assume that it's only fair because obviously it doesn't work out that way very often. Not all men automatically equate the attention a woman gives him with the attention he should turn around and give her.

[tuareg]

His prognosis is excellent, they feel they found it early and he has alot to be grateful about. He has trouble swallowing but this will improve with time. We have been friends for 10 years but have been dating one year. I can't put myself in his shoes just like he cannot know what it is like for me.  I do not want a medal, but jeez have a heart man..........

[tuareg]

BTW thank you all for your comments... I appreciate it...... I do not want to throw him under a bus but I just feel used.... he is 60 and I am 47.

[ibizan]

Reciprocity doesn't mean a big xpectation of a payback.It is a flow a give and take.....many men do not see this and we women view it differently than they do.Knowing a man 10 years...long time....good prognosis,,,tuareg u deserve some heart!U haven't thrown him under a bus....i can c where u feel used.I've never been a woman to settle......and i won't.....wanting ones feelings thoughts and needs to b understood and respected in a relationship is only natural to me.many women remain in relationships absent of this....struggling in vain...for years....never having their needs met they wither inside and emotionally die.....i think the worst kind of alone is remaining in a situation like this even if u physically have company.

[ibizan]

my heart goes out 2 u if ur in a sit like this...i've watched so many do it...i will never go there.i'm 52 never married thank God..never had a burning desire.I have a humorous saying...the good men are taken,married gay or dead!i do c giving men with their partners....they r few and far between.I had flown solo for a long time b4 x.....he thought i would take his bs bcuz i'd been alone for so long....and live in very small town with few options...he got a big suprise!I belong 2 AARP.Great website and a very good thread on 50plus and single.Over 700 posts and i read them all.Very few women met decent men over the i-net...a few encountered them by chance but many felt as i do....many looking for younger women multiple sex partners and want no responsibility in a rels....just the fun.There was a gal who posted being 35 divorced with 2 kids feeling the same way!I've gotten to a point in my life where i just accept that this is the way it is....and maybe someday i'll chance by someone good....and i will know....but i'm not looking.The gals on AARP sed to live ur life,take ur enjoyment with ur kids grandkids whatever and just live!