Like others, I also never thought I would be here

My wife and I are working towards separation and eventual divorce (I suppose).  We are on very good terms right now, and I hope that we can continue to work this way as we go thru this.

Currently the biggest point of contention that I have is with the possibility of paying Alimony.  It has been primarily my wife who wanted to leave the relationship for over 1-1/2 years.  I have been doing everything possible to hold it together, including dragging her in to marital counseling, buying marriage tapes, changing myself, going to therapy by myself, etc...

All to no avail.  She went thru what I would describe as a midlife crisis.  So now she "wants to be free" and has decided that I was never right for her from the beginning and that I am too serious and suffocating.  There is also a possibility that she cheated on me, although I never physically caught her.  There were a lot of lies and strange circumstances.

She never liked to work much and therefore never earned much money.  But she is very healthy, attractive, has a BS and MS, and is taking a course to become certified in Massage Therapy.

I am in the position that she wants to leave me which I never wanted (until the past month when I gave up) and I may have to pay her so that she can be free!

The idea of paying alimony in this case pisses me off to no end.

I would like to hear from people on this.  Can I convince her not to go for alimony?  Can you give me a credible arguement why I should feel okay about paying alimony?  Other comments.

[mami1323]

This is some info that I found.  I'm not sure of any arguments that you may have other than her ability to gain employment.  I'm sure you already read this and know about this.  Let me see what else I can find out.

In New Jersey the support payments (if any) can certainly influence how the marital property distribution is awarded, which is why it can become a very intricate part of the final outcome of any divorce. Keeping this in mind, if you and your spouse are unable to reach and agreement on this issue, the Superior Court will order support from one spouse to the other on a case-by-case basis as follows:

When making a support award the court will consider the following factors:

(A) The actual needs and the ability of a party to pay;

(B) The length of the marriage;

(C) The age and health condition of each of the parties;

(D) The standard of living established while married;

(E) The earning capacities of the parties, as well as the education level, job training, and skills;

(F) The length of absence from the job market of the party seeking maintenance;

(G) The parental role of each party;

(H) The time and expense necessary to acquire sufficient education or training to become self-supporting;

(I) The participation each spouse had the acquisition of marital assets;

(J) the property award;

(K) Any income producing assets;

(L) The consequences to both parties;

(M) Any other factors which the court may deem relevant. (New Jersey Statutes - Title 2 A - Chapters: 34-23)

[sammy73]

Hi,

Well, I know what I feel is morally reasonable, but that is no doubt a long way from what is legally achievable - and living in a different country, no doubt our rules are very different to yours.

Morally, frankly, I think that if she's the one who wants out of the marriage, and you've done everything you can to hold it together, and there hasn't been any unreasonable behaviour on your part (physical or mental abuse, control issues, substance addiction, infidelity etc.), then she shouldn't expect you to support HER.  But then that comes from a perspective that you are the entirely innocent party in this situation - I haven't heard her side of the story.

If she'd given up a significant period of her life to care for kids, and that had impacted her future earning potential, there might be more of an arguement for supporting her; she has sacrificed her career to bring up your kid, and you'd owe her something for that.  But I'm right in thinking your kid's only a couple of years old?  In which case, even if she hasn't been working at all in that time, it's not a long enough break to have impacted the career she otherwise could have had.

As for your daughter, pretty much whatever the circumstances I think morally you have a duty to support her until she leaves school or university.  Whether that support comes from her living with you (at least part-time) and you meeting her needs directly, or from giving money to your ex- and she then meets all the kid's needs, well that's a matter for negotiation.

As for any property acquired during the relationship, I reckon that is 50/50, even if you paid for more of it than she did because you were earning more.  But that's just my opinion.

I would agree that, if she has made the choice so far in her life not to progress her career or money-earning potential, and she then chooses to opt out of being married to you, it's reasonable that she should also opt out of being financially supported by you, although you still have that duty to the kid.

But what's right, and what the law says, are likely to be very different.  What you can pursuade her is reasonable and she should accept is different again.  I have no doubt that she has a very different perspective, and can produce an equally valid arguement as to why her perspective is right!

Money is almost certainly the most likely subject which could turn an amicable separation nasty; balancing the issues of staying friends, and not being financially shafted, will not be easy, and you may well (both) end up feeling you've lost out on both fronts.

[iam1butterfly]

That's the thing about marriage...
It's as much a financial arrangement as it is an emotional and physical bond.
So, it may not matter whether or not you want to save the marriage or what you feel
is fair as far as alimony... it'll come down to whatever the laws of your state stipulates; and, whatever an aggressive divorce attorney can accomplish.
Get a lawyer who'll be an activist for your rights.
... hope for the best
... but, expect to pay.

[raquelplus2]

jayson i think the only thing you should pay her is child support  because shes the one who wants out  of the marriage and is very capable of getting a job and supporting herself. youve tried and as youve told me many times you tried hard and still love her but you cant beg her to be with you so why should you have to pay her for her wanting to leave you?? i dont think you should have to pay her nothing the support of your daughter. its a bad situation but i dont think you should i think she should go and get a job and learn to be FREE as she wants because being free and single means paying your own bills and way and working for yourself and living. i hope it helps and i hope the situation gets better!  take care! raquel

[j7653]

Thanks for the comments.  I hope to hear more from some others that have experienced this.

[Monica70]

I can't give you advice as to what to tell her to not take alimony from you, but I'm leaving my husband and I don't want a dime of his money! In fact, he used money to control me, which is why I don't want it. We've been married for over 7 years. I will take half the savings to start a new life.

I want to be a butterfly.

[jo929]

I have never seen anyone get alimony only child support, if they are the ones that want the divorce, tell her to ger off---her--and go to work, but pay child support she may think the grass is greener on the other side, bit it really is not she has the  education tell the lawyer she needs to use it since she wants the divorce  luck  jo

[Mary61]

Hi, I was married in the past for 17 years and I finally had had enough of my ex at that time.  Maybe I can shed some light into your dilema.  Reality is that when a couple decides to seperate and eventually divorce, the partner who makes the most income has to pay alimony to the other partner.  One thing you can maybe try to do is get yourself unemployed during separation procedure or find yourself a very low-income job because then the lawyers will look at that and you will only end up paying her "peanuts". Just make sure that you put it in your seperation agreement that if one day you do find a higher paying job that she will not be entitled to the difference, Got it? Also, make sure that you put it in your seperation agreement that she will have no rights to your pension once you retire.Unfortunately, you will have to end up dishing out some amount of cash.  The best way to look at it is that you are buying your freedom.  Trust me, you will be alright after all the papers go through and move out on your own. Life does go on and yes, there will be someone out there who will appreciate you.  Good Luck.