Looking for insight

[Stuck123]

Not sure if I am in the right spot but I am going to give it a try.

I assume it is normal to feel apprehensive when dating someone divorced and with a child, but does it ever get any easier? I knew what I was getting myself into when I started dating this guy and am by no means am I having second thoughts, the (child  which is 9) and I get along great and the only thing that I see that is even somewhat bothersome is when his father shows me affection the son wants more of his dads attention. I believe that he sees this to, his son gets rather clingy and is just not sure either one knows how to deal with it. Is there anything I can do to try to make the transition alittle easier? We have talked about it alittle bit before, his son was acting out and i asked if it was anything to do with me, and his reply was that, no he likes you and he would tell me.

He is a part time dad and any type of relationship with his ex wife is non-existent. We both know there is a possibility that I may be pregnant and whether or not I am I do not want to do anything to deteriment the relationship with him and his son. I just thought time would help transition his son being with someone new, but if I am pregnant the reality of his dad being with someone new gets a whole lot more real. If anyone could give me some advice or where I could find more information in situation like this that would be great.

[Stuck123]

Thank you for your response. I am kind of on the right track then, I was thinking the whole time and patient thing but then the question of pregnancy came up and it became a whole lot more real. I find myself apprehensive still with the child, I dont want to cross any lines or go to far, by no means do I want to replace his mother or come across as that is my intention. I'll just keep doing what I am take things slow, it's been working so far.
Thanks again for your response.

[ascott]

Well I do have a degree, with a minor in psychology with emphasis on child development. But the above poster was right. You have to secure the child. Make him feel as though he is part of your family. You are not here to replaced his mother, a bond that will neve be replaced, your just an extra person who loves him. If you are pregnant tell him. Allow him to be a part of the pregnancy. Show him pictures of the baby. Put his hand on your stomach. Make personal statements towards him, i.e. "your baby brother/sister", "what kind of things will you teach your little brother/sister", etc.. you get the picture. Step children can be difficult especially if you are the step mother. Children naturally have bonds to their mother, no matter whether the mother is an exceptional mother or a meth using addict. They love their mothers. That is a bond GOD created. Your  husband's estranged relationship with ex will probably get worse whe she finds out you are pregnant. This will pass in time. Just be sure you and your husband are not so consumed with the new baby that your step son feels left out. Sometimes this happens unintentionally. We even do this to our own children when new babies are born. Good luck!! Sounds like you have a good heart and mind in the matter. Keep it up.

[Stuck123]

Thanks for you input, the pregnancy is a possibility not a definate its still to early to test, but we are dating not married to by the way. This whole situation just got a whole lot worse though and I am panicking alittle bit, his ex is going for more child support. I am trying really hard to find words of comfort, but he's already herd everything. Personally I dont see how she needs more, she has the child on a supplemental income for autism, I have grown up around challeneged people all of my life, my brother being one of them and I see no way shape or form any sign of autism just adhd and maybe attachment issues. She only works part time, even though she has been told there is no reason she can't work full time, on top of the support she is aready getting. Not to mention he is having his son more and more latley. Then there is the pety stuff, she just bought a house that needs a lot of work, has been having unnecessary cosmetic surgery to me it's a paper trail as to why she needs more money. The papers said because the childs needs have changed she doesn't even pack clothes for him when he comes to his dads.

This is where I want to give my advice but once again do not want to overstep any boundaries. He was talking soo horrible about her in front of his son today when he got the papers, I have over herd phone conversation they are both guilty of it and I know that it is not good for the child. The only advice that I gave him was that he needs to bring up what I mention on the above and I'm not sure how else it works but they have past due bills that are in both of their names that he is trying to take care of on his own. Other then that I told him I wish I could help but just don't know how. I got no reply.

I am slightly concerned it may cause issues with our relationship, but have all ready made up my mind even before the chance of pregnancy that I am going to do what it takes to stay with him. I know he may pull away alittle bit, but he doesn't handle stress very well when it comes to his ex and their son it's not a good mixture. Is there anything I can do apart from reassuring him and letting him know I am here for him no matter what? That is all I can think of to do right now.

[ascott]

You will have to let him handle this situation on his own. Child support in most states can only be increased every 5 years, or if the non custodial parent has a pay increase. Unfortunately, the money she recieves from child support is hers to do as she wishes. There is no guidelines to order her to spend it here or there. You may want to discuss the issues with your boyfriend however be careful. You don't want to overstep your boundries, and cause a rift between you and he. he may take offense to your thoughts. He is probably not telling you everything out of embarrasment of not being able to control the ex. This happens often. May I ask how long they have been divorced? How old is the child? If she is recieving disability for the child, he must have been diagnosed by a professional with having autism. My advice to you is continue to be your step son's advocate. Be there for him when his parents are not doing such a good job. Remember parents are human's first and we usually impulsive when we are angered.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I agree that the issues are between them and I think you seem to be doing everything right.  I also agree that neither parent should ever talk bad about the other parent in front of the child.  That should just never be.  The only person that is hurt by that is the child.

As far as the child support thing goes......I have a friend who is going through that same thing.  She has 2 children from a previous marriage.  Her current husband has 1 child from a previous marriage.  Her husband's ex is trying to get more money from him.  My friend's husband already pays his ex $1,000 per month for 1 child plus takes care of all the insurance and a percentage of the medical bills, etc.  My friend is trying to get pregnant and I believe that if she does get pregnant that the courts will then count that child as this man's child along with the one he has with the ex, so that would make it harder for his ex to get more money.  Did that make any sense?  So if you are pregnant, then your boyfriend would have 2 children to support and not 1, so the courts would take that into consideration.

I totally agree with the dad (in some cases the mom) supporting their children; divorced or not.  But I hate when it is a greed thing and not about taking care of the child and sometimes it seems like that is what it is about.

As I said, it seems like you are doing everything right and really trying to think about your bf's son.  I applaud you for this.  That is so important.  He has no voice and decisions made now, will and can affect him for the rest of his life.  Your bf is very lucky to have someone like you and someone that cares so much about his son.  I have a son from a previous marriage and 4 daughters with my current husband.  So, I can tell you first hand how important it is as far as what you are doing.  And you are doing it well :)

[Stuck123]

I am overwhelmed by your responses, thank you all. He has talked to a few people about the situation with the child support along with his ex wife, she said it was because he bought his son a video game so it seems out of spite to me. They have been separated for a year now, but the child who is 9 and his mother are still both on his medical insurance, which he was told he could use that against her to fight the increase in support and he has not had a pay increase actually a decrease to some aspect. He already knows and understands there is nothing he can do about the money she receives i know that too.

As for the autism, maybe its just the area I live in but she is not the first nor will be the last that I have seen get their child put on some type of income just because, it may have a good part to deal with his adhd but she even did that without him knowing about it, which I would think he would have some type of say in it.

And michelle, 1000 a month that is crazy, but then again I live in an area with the economy is slowing. I understood what you meant about having another child and the courts taken that into consideration and as far as I know most do. As for telling him yesterday how I wanted to help but didn't know how, he has taken that to heart he got some paper work today and asked me to help him fill it out later so that made me feel good, I know that it's the small things and gestures that make a difference and can in the end cause a good impact.

Thank you all again!