Mother in law ruined my marriage, how do I get my husband back!?

My husband and I have been married for three and half years.  We became best friends prior to getting married and our marriage was very good since we shared such a good relationship.  A few months ago my brother in law moved in with his wife.  They have a very bad relationship and were always fighting and even beating each other.  It ruined the peace in my house and my husband and I would spend more time fixing their fights or arguing over their problems, then taking care of ourselves.  After that, my mother in law came.  She was fine with me the previous two times she visited and stayed with us (always stayed like 3 months at a time), but this time, she totally changed on me.  She manipulated my husband into believing that I was disheartening her and that I was not giving her respect.  My husband was never home, so it was my word against hers.  She would go through our stuff in our room when we both were at work and she would stand outside my bedroom and listen to our conversations.  I caught her many times, but ignored.  Finally, one day I told my husband and started fighting with me over it.  Then, when he asked her, she denied it.   After my mother in law left, she kept calling my husband when I wasn't around and feeding him negativity about me.  She kept crying and doing drama that I hurt her feelings and that is why she left.  I didn't understand what was going on because she never did that to me before.  If you met her, you would think she's the nicest MIL in the world.  

During all this my brother in law started putting negative thoughts in my husbands head, too.  My sister in law told me one day that my mother in law and brother in law are trying to control my husband because he worships the ground I walk on and they don't like it.   She also told me that her husband (my brother in law) has been trying to turn her against me so that we won't get a long.   I didn't know how to react, so I just took it as information and ignored it.  I figured if I don't get involved, then nothing will happen.

All this kept adding up and one day my husband and I got into a huge fight.  His brother and mother had made up lies and totally provoked him against me.  I told him it wasn't true and he didn't listen, so I walked out of the house.
A day later, we made up and he promised that he would take care of the issues his brother was causing.  However, that lasted about a minute, because the second I entered the house again, his brother caused more problems.  This time, the sister in law back-stabbed me too and lied that I said things which I didn't.   My husband stood there against me with all of them and at that time I mentally broke down and decided that I needed to be separated.  There were too many misunderstandings and my husband was not ready to listen.  On top of that, his family was just lying left and right to make sure all their bull s*** gets covered up.  

A lot of things went down...it was a nasty fight between both families.  I also reacted out of anger and so did they. However, despite what he did and his family did, I still want to be with him.    It's been three months that we have been separated and the other day he sent me a legal notice indicating there will be no reconciliation.  He wants divorce.  In the past three months, I have cried, I have begged, I even went to see him (we are long distance right now), I emailed him, I tried to have his friends and family talk to him - I mean..everything has been done from my side to reconcile even though I am not the root cause of this problem.  His own family and friends told me that he is being an idiot and is wrong, but because he is so close to his family and blindly trusts them, he doesn't have the guts to stand up for what's right for him.  

I am very heartbroken and hurt.  I love him a lot and I know deep down he loves me too.  But he doesn't have the courage to stand up for me against his family.  His problem is not me at this point, his problem is that his family has a problem with me.  I don't know what to do...I initially walked out to save myself mental torture (my sister in law is a mental depression patient and takes pills because of how my mother in law ruined her relationship with her husband), but this is not any better.   I want my husband back, but he fails to see the truth.  He fails to realize that we both were perfect before his family came.  He is the kind of guy who couldn't even spend one hour without talking to me and now its been three months and he has had no heart to come and even give us a chance.  He didn't even tell me he wanted divorce.  He emailed it to me!  

The worst is that he is doing all this because his family is forcing him to.  So he's making himself believe all these lies about me and he wrote me nasty emails pointing fingers at my character and all these fabricated stories from what his mother and brother have told him.  He has created this negative false image of me so that he could get through this.  I don't know what to do.  In our country mother in laws are a huge problem and they are known to brainwash their sons because of jealousy, ego, and wanting control.  I would have never thought she was like that, but boy was a I wrong!

I don't know how to get through this.  My husband refuses to talk to me, his family has forced him to cut off all contact with his friends and relatives, and his family also hasn't tried to resolve this.

[mandsmom]

I know exactly how you feel.  My husband was the same way with his family, especially his mother, and I finally had enough of it that I did the same as you and walked out of the situation.  My husband and I have been seperated for over 8 months and we are working things out gradually.  What you have to do is seperate yourself from him as far as cutting off all contact with him, not showing him that you still care, and making him do all of the talking if he has anything to say.  The more vulnerable you make yourself to him the more he will just sit back and think that you are always going to be there, especially when he wants you to be.  Make him believe that you don't care and that will soon make him realize that a decision has to be made on his part, does he want to live the rest of his life with his wife that he made vows with or does he want to spend the rest of his life being a momma's boy?  Ultimately, when men have to make that decision they usually pick their wives.  As long as they know you will be there, they will treat you however they want to.  It took me a long time to realize that, and as soon as I started acting as though I didn't care, my husband started changing his ways, and he has done a complete turnaround since we seperated.  If he doesn't try and work things out with you after you prove to him that he can act this way and it doesn't bother you, then you deserve better.  If there are no children involved I would definately give him the cold shoulder.  Good luck, God bless and Happy Holidays!

[teko]

A man is to leave his father and his mother and cleve unto his wife. I believe that you should never let family move in. It never works out and only brings further problems to a relationship. Your husband imo is not much of a man. If he was he would have kicked em all out (in a nice way of course). He would have never let his mother come between the two of you. However, you are not innocent either. You allowed them to stay there as well and you as well as his mom put him in the middle of your squabbles. He was not man enuff to separate the two of you and lay down the law to you both. Then you left. For whatever reason you did it, this was absolutely the last straw for him. He obviously does not care enuff for you to do what it takes to keep you. IMO, you are better off without him. Sorry, I know its not what you want to hear.

[mammo]

I totally agree with the above post!  Leave him alone, let him think you are moving on, so long as he knows you will take him back at any moment he has no reason to reach out to you.  He's an adult and it will make him think...do I want my mother or my wife?  When you are totally out of his life, he will know what it's like to truly be without you.  Don't be too quick to respond to his emails or calls and always be very happy when you do speak to him. Not happy that you're talking to him, happy in your life. He is so sure of you right now, you need to pull the rug out from under him, give him a wake-up call.  You could even send him an email and tell him you understand, and wish him all the best.  You are moving on and hope he does the same. This will floor him!  If he still doesn't turn around, he and that nut case mother of his is not worth your time, you deserve better.  Keep us posted, and I wish you all the best.

[anamikahelp]

Thank you all for your supportive comments.  

@mandsmom:  There are no children involved which is a blessing, however, we were admist family planning and were almost there.  I was very vulnerable for the first three months and just tried anything and everything to beg him to come back.  Now, for the past month I have totally cut it off with him thinking the same - that he would realize and at least come talk to gradually make things better.  Instead, I received a legal notice saying he wants to formalize a separation agreement and apply for divorce.  What hurts me more is that he told me would work things out and he just needs time, but his family has influenced him so much and is 24/7 showing him negativity that he doesn't have the guts to stop them and say enough is enough.  In fact, his family is pressuring him to force me to sign the house to his name (cuz its under my name) and transfer all my bank accounts.   He said to me "you don't understand my priorities right now".   Basically, he is telling me that money top priority than his relationship.  We both are educated and make good money, so money was never an issue, but his parents are greedy and they always asked my parents for money behind his back, but he refuses to believe it.  I know I don't deserve a guy like that because every woman deserves a real MAN, but I love him and I know that if we two were together alone without family interference, we would be perfectly fine like we were before.  He always took care of me and pretty much worshiped the ground I walked on.  He is very laid back and I was always the decision maker because he wanted me to be happy, but that was all until the witch (his mother) came along and his other family members.

@teko: You're right, /I should not have let them move in, however, its part of my culture to live in a joint family.  I had agreed to share the responsibility of keeping his parents with his brother as long as we had no issues, but they forced me to live with all of them together even after all these problems started.  In fact, after the first few quarrels, I sat down nicely with his mother and him (separately) and explained to them that I don't think its right for all of us to live together when there are so many conflicts.  Especially, when it's ruining my relationship in my house.  His mother said to me "i don't care if you guys are happy or die, but I will live with both of my sons under one roof."  When I asked my husband about why its mandatory for us to live together and that we should be living separately (even if its the house next door), he blamed me for being a homebreaker.  In fact, to this day, his mother is going around telling people that I tried to break her house by separating her sons and that my parents broke my relationship because they took me home.  I didn't mention it before, but my parents took me home because I was in very bad health, mentally broken, and in a very bad state.  I have never been like that in my whole life and my parents saw right before his family moved in and how happy and proud we were of our married life and then they saw me a few months later in a state that no parent would imagine their daughter.  On top of that, my husband disrespected them and was so rude (he had never been like that).  

@mammo: I did try the emailing.  In fact, my last contact with him was emails.  I wrote to him that I can't sit here and wait forever because its making both of us and our families suffer.  I requested that we have a sit down meeting and decide how we should proceed. However, instead of acknowledging my request, he replied with nasty emails consisting of all these fabricated stories and pointing fingers at my character (which he knows very well are not true).   The funny thing is - all the things he has said to me out of anger are the same things that his parents said about my sister in law and her family.  The pattern for what happened with me is the same as what happened with my sister in law.  Mother in law came in and ruined the relationship.  The only difference is...my sister in law is sitting there going to a psychiatrist for three years and on depression pills because of her unhappy marriage, she has a child, and she lives in the same house with them and fights every day with her husband over her in-laws.  She was happier when she moved in with me because I showed her positiveness, but his family manipulated her into lying against me, too.  I think her husband threatened her because she told me the truth about how him and his mom were trying to turn my husband against me and I had told my husband.  She denied it obviously.  Anyhow, at the end of the day - that's one messed up family, but my husband was always good to me and I wish he had the inner power to realize that his mother is not his future, it's his wife.  I feel like I need to "save" him from his family's influence, but I have no control.  What makes it harder is that I am not even nearby (we're about 8 hour drive apart) that we could meet easily.  But, I think if there's a will there is a way.  When I first separated and came here we both spoke on the phone and I booked a flight the same night and was there the next morning to talk to him. It's not like we are living overseas or that we can't afford it.

I think I also have this fear that I won't find someone else who I can be happy with the way I was with him (minus his family).  Everyone that knew us used us as an example of true love and always talked about how marriages should be like ours.  We were best friends and always brought a smile to everyone's face.  My family loved him and his family was always kind to me too (until they moved in).  Some people who saw him the day I was leaving and his behavior were shocked and said that he looked "possessed" by someone or something because what he was doing was totally out of character.  All day and everyday for the past three months, my brain keeps reiterating what happened, and its just unbelievable.  I can't stop thinking about how he can be so brainwashed.

[mammo]

It still comes down to him choosing what he wants most and he has chosen mommy!  If they can sway him that easily, then he has bigger problems. When I suggested an email, it was not to sit down and talk with him, this is just telling him the door is still open.  You need to tell him you're over it and him, and ignore his rediculous requests. Don't put all the blame on your in-laws, he's a big boy and has a choice here. I hope you can move on because this is killing you!  Take back your power and keep your house and bank accounts, let mommy care for him.

[pixie712]

my husband and i was married,he moved us next door to his brother ,we started having problems,his sister in law and her daughters would come over when i was at work,if i was home they would treat me rude,my ex never would put a stop to it and i pack and left,it has been 5months he runs to the bars with his brother,my heart is mending,would i go back?no way if he can,t stand by his wife when he should then it is time to go on,

[bubbahbigsis]

i had the same kind of issues but with my mom. she would come to stay for a day and not leave for weeks. she never picked up after herself which caused fights with me and my husband. this went on for a year and at the time we were living in an apartment so we decided to stay with my cousin while we were looking for a house to save money well once we moved in there and my mom couldnt stay with us all the time she got mad and started saying he was cheating on me with my cousin and stuff. then my cousin started saying i was doing things behind his back. well we ended up seperating and getting a divorce. but after 2 years we decided that we still lvoed each other very much and wanted our family back together but this time with other poeple intefereing. we have been back together and things have been going great we dont let anyone else tell us how our relationship should be and its just us and out children we wont let anyone live with us so things dont start to happen again. while my mom hates the fact that we are back together and i dont need her help she makes her comments and such but i just let it go in one ear and out the other. she is my mom and i love her very much but i decided i needed to do what makes me happy and he makes me happy. so i hope your husband realizes what is happening before its to late.

[Jaybay]

Your husband has made his choice - rightly or wrongly.  Nothing you can do or say will change his mind.  His entire family is toxic and dysfunctional.  Even if they weren't living under your roof they would still cause plenty of trouble with phone calls and emails.  

It's a tragedy for both of you, but until your husband sees the truth, you're really better off being out of his life.  I wouldn't count on him ever recognizing how toxic his family is to his life - certainly not any time soon.  This is not a battle you can win.  What you CAN do is get legal help and make sure your MIL doesn't end up with control of your sharel of the marital assets.  It's time to start thinking about yourself now as you build a new life.  You've been traumatized enough.

[SunShineToeS]

Oh, anamika! Reading your story was like reading my own life there on the computer screen...Marriage is a life altering decision, but Divorce is a life devastating one...I know first hand.  Since my divorce, I have gone on, but I will never marry again.  I even made a website dedicated to helping others avoid such tribulation :) maybe you will find the information you need to get him back...God Bless

[Alabama222]

I understand too how you feel.  I am now separated from my husband of 11 years.  He was a momma's boy at first and it has never stopped.  She has tried to force either she or me all this time.  She has finally won.  My husband has been there for 3 months.  You may be better off to run now.  Look at me - I am still struggling.  I will pray for you.  

[anki09]

i am going through the same situation..its been only 10 months in my marriage and i have huge fights everyday.my fil and my mil and my sil all of them keep telling lies to my husband and doesnt believe anything.she keeps telling him that i dont respect her.my husband keeps blaming me that i have ruined his familly..its just the same story..Even i dont know what to do..

[monica230]

Hello there, reading your bloggs is like playing a dvd of my own life.  I had a love marriage and my in laws never accepted me from day 1.  They are gradually turning my husband against me even though we have a baby boy now.  My in laws make no effort with me and instead accuse me for 'never having cooked for them' - this is their be all and end all.  They expect to treat me like rubbish because I am a woman and yet want me to respect them and my husband takes their side.  He loved me so much until they and my sister in law stated calling him and msn him behind my back daily and stir up trouble.  My in laws tell my husband to be rude to my own parents now just because they dont get on with me.  I am heading down the same path as the rest of you guys.  We cant compete with our in laws.  Today my husband said to me blood is thicker than water, I can divorce you but not my parents.  That said it all.  Not that it matters but I am a indian sikh and so are my in laws side, indian families are the worst when it comes to being over possessive over their sons. All I can say is this, god have mercy on us women, we deserve to be loved unconditionally, we are human above all, why do people force us to be subordinates just because we are born female? God bless each and every one of us and help us find a way out of our mess.  Give our husbands the brains to think independantly of their self absorbed parents and siblings.  Anamika, please tell me how you are getting on?  my email address is saltwater_fish***@****

[sheena3]

I dont know what to say...i read what u went through and felt as if you were writing exactly what happened to me. i had an arranged marriage, supposedly in a good, financially stable family. My in-laws lived abroad albeit together. after the wedding i also moved abroad but this is when everything changed. i lived abroad for 3 months with my husband and his family. but before a month of up of me being married my MIL started airing vicious rumers about me to all of her acquitances. so instead of adjusting to an absolutely alien culture and a very new life style i straight away started my new surroundings. the old lady was a very different person in front of her son and a very different and malicious person as soon as he was out of ear shot. i am highly educated and come from a very affluent family. before getting married i was also working and persuing my PhD. but i left both of these to "get settled". meanwhile i also conceived and my husband was over-joyed. i think this is when real trouble started. My MIL started becoming insecure about losing my husband since he loves kids. shortly afterwards, my health become worse and on my husbands suggestion i decided to come back to my own family to recuperate and relax and then come back to him before the delivery. the day i left his house was also the day that my MIL decided to start her offensive against me (till date i remain ignorant to what exactly i have done to her and her house). i reached my house and received an e-mail from my husband that since i have been extremely rude and obnoxious to his parents i should not come back till i change my "attitude". regrardless to say, i was utterly shaken and in complete disbelief. after this e-mail he did not call or contact me for a further one month. then one fine day he decided he needed to talk to me and called but i am so angry at him that i never picked up my phone. he didnt bother again. now he is coming to my part of the world for his brothers wedding and i think that he will try to fix things. my problem is that i completely distrust him now. a man who could leave his wife when she is carryinh his child (which he wanted to have) simply because she was evidently rude to his parents once does not in my opinion deserve either having a loyal dutiful wife nor a loving child. i dont know what to do. i feel broken, ill-used and worthless. i dont blame my MIL rather i only blame my husband for not standing by me when i needed him the most.

[RJavaid]

Dear Anamika,

I am sorry to hear about your situation - it sounds exactly like mine. I have recently separated from my Husband after 5 months of marriage. His mothers jealousy and lies about me was unbearable.

I note that you wrote about your situation in Dec 2010 - please let me know how you have got on and whether things are ok. It will help me evaluate my situation.

Thank you

[JuneB22]

Your story sounds like mine In the making.  We were married for 8 years until we recently had a baby. Until then, I let everything my MIL said go in one ear and out the other.  When we had a baby, my husband insisted that my MIL come live with us (this was the first time she'd ever lived with us) to take care of the baby when we were at work.  She started by making lots of underhanded comments about me and our home when he was not around.  If I brought them up when he was around so we could take care of things, she would twist them around or deny them.   Then I noticed that she would tell small fibs here and there. None of this really mattered to me, so I just ignored it.  I recently noticed her listening in to our private conversations when we were in our bedroom upstairs.   Once, she decided that she needed to inject herself in our conversation and barged in threatening to leave in the middle of the week if I didn't do as she said knowing it would be a problem for me to find child care the next morning when I had an important business meeting.  I told her she was not welcome to watch the baby from that point forward (it is critical for me to have reliable child care when I'm at work). This was several weeks ago. Now I hear that she's been calling my husband crying etc. in an effort to turn him against me.  While I hadn't talked to anyone about this (incl. my own parents) in an effort to protect her reputation, I'm now slowly learning that she's been spreading lies about me to friends and relatives.  She's also been telling her relatives to not be friends with my parents after the barging in incident when my parents have no idea of what's going on (my parents agree that it really is none of their business).  My husband initially sided with his mother because as he admits, despite the facts, he tries to see the best in her.   Every time I think my husband has finally moved forward and begun accepting me back into his day-to-day life, his mom attempts to convince him of what a terrible person I am.  I don't know what to do but ignore it and hope this will go away but, based on her actions, I dont think that is what his mother wants. Makes me think that I don't really need him if he's not going to stick up for me, but I hope he comes around for the sake of our baby girl.   Btw, in my experience, the MIL situation exponentially worsened once a child came into the picture.

[JuneB22]

btw, I'm also Indian and so is my hubby.  Anamika, I would love to hear how things turned our for you.

[pug3]

hello...would you be able to read my post called "helicopter mother in law" and tell me what you think about my situation? i would love to know what others deal with and how they deal with these situations.  we are def broken up but i am still struggling with missing him. please read it and let me know what you think.  thank you!!

[chin978]

The IN-LAWS(husband's family) interfere had caused my husband divorced me.Demanding MONEY at all times, at any costs. His the type of "YES" man to his sister, and the rest of his family members. I am his wife(by  US Law), is unemployed-no income, during our 7 years of marriage. DEBT, Unpaid Medical Bills, Unpaid Bills are the inheritance I receive. December 21,2011  he took me to the Brooklyn Supreme Court to file for a divorce. He did not have enough cash money to pay filing fee $.335 so I ended up withdrawal $.335 from my personal account. He promised to reimburse the money.
The real financial situation: He is the person who brings the income to the household, no children. Pay check to pay check, all the living expenses paid by Credit Card, except for rent, car loan(unpaid balance more than $16,0000). He is in deep financial turmoil.
His action: he blames me for not paying living expenses during our marriage.He forgot that when we got marriage he had more than $.10,000 debt, I had helped him to organize all his debt and paid some of  his hugh debt. It took 3 years paying off all of his debt.
The IN-LAWS is the reality nightmare! greedy, selfish...all about MONEY!

[specialmom]

I'm sorry to hear about this.  I hope you have found a new life for yourself.  peace

[TheMarried2011]

I am sorry to hear what you are going though. I have been married for almost 10 months & my in laws havent failed to make me walk out on my marriage like a good couple solid times. I have a very nice & passive husband. But I dont need passive when it comes to someone bashing your wife. Anyways at the end of the day the truth will come out. Try your best and if it doesnt work then that means he was just not good enough for you.

Thank God that at least you are not prego. Being stuck in a unstable  relationship with a child on the way is very bad.

I wish you all the luck.And these monster in laws happen to have daughters as well. So I pray that their daughters situation is 10 times more than they put me through starting from my wedding night.

p.s. my family is very supportive of my decision. regardless I want to stay with him or dont. So if you got that then you got nothing to worry about. Make your life about yourself, not HIM!!!

[chin978]

We were on vacation when he seriously told me to file for a divorce.The very next day he took me to Brooklyn Supreme Court.He did not give me a chance to think about it.He made me sign the UNCONTESTED divorce, no spouse maintenance after the divorce. He is a Navy Retired and has been working for NY City Transit for more than 19 years. He left me, NO MONEY after the divorce.

[chin978]

thank you for yr comment. You're right, he is not the right man for me! He is the bread n butter, doormat for his dear sister and the rest of his family members! He is not the MAN who stands up for his wife! He is married to his family (including his personal income, all of his money he earns).
He had failed in terms of personal relationship with the female in his life!The truth is: First Marriage(the American wife+2step daughters)-he filed for a divorce after more than 15 years of marriage! and not long after the divorce, his mother+his younger brother who is a drug addict+his sister  sucking up all his incomes.The income coming from NAVY + NY City Transit  pay check.A girlfriend came along, the mother moved away and lived in Trinidad Tobago but still asking MONEY at all times from him! A girlfriend LEFT him after 2 years of intimate relationship!

When I met him and got married, he did not tell me all the above dramas! the TRUTH finally reveals it self! I found out after 7 years of our marriage!

[specialmom]

Oh that really stinks chin.  Why did you agree to it?  I wish you could have had an attorney yourself to consult with.  

Was this very long ago?  How are you getting along now?

[pd23]

To all -- I dont knwo what I am writing below, its just that I am too frustated with my MIL.

Anamika and all you ladies, Looks like we are all sailing in the same boat. Same situations and same story. I am too going through a very rough time ever since my MIL started brain washing my husband and turning him to against me and my parents.
My MIL just wants us to get seperated so that she can have him married to some puppet from her own caste. I have thought so many times of getting seperated, but then I think, if I give divorce, this is what my MIL wants. She doesnt care if her son is happy or not.All she wants is a comfort luxurious life and my husbands money. And I am sure you all must be thinking this.
But, just think about this --

Why the hell should we just give up our husbands to tht b*&^tch hands. She will just detroy him. Husbands will keep thier mom happy always, and those f***ng b***ch MIL's will just dont care about their sons nad enjoy tehir lifes selfishly. I have been trying to keep up my marriage since past 5 months (4 months while my MIL nad FIL were here at my place). Every second hurts very bad. When your husbands mind is just frozen and he just wants to listen his MIL, it really hurts bad and just feels like commiting sucide. But we should always remeber that breaking up a relation is very easy but keeping that relation is very difficult.

The old time has gone when MIL's used to scrre their DIL'd life. The era has changed, its our time. No matter how muchver time it takes and how much it hurts, just try to get close to your husband so much that he atleats considers your feelings.

Just remember, your husband must have loved you like no one else did before your MIL entered your lifes, they why do you want to tak ethat away from you.

My husband and I fight daily coz of MIL, but still I have not given up yet. I will struggle till the last minute. Now the situation is - that my MIL and FIL want to come and stay with us forever whichi s not acceptable to me. But my husband doesnot want to give up on hismother. He says he can live w/o me but can never leave his mom. I even asked him to take 2 houses and manage amongst our selves, but he doesnot agree to that as well.

Iam still trying to get him back to how we were before. Dont know how long will it last, But atleast (god forbid) if we get seperated I would have been satisfied atht I tried but didnt get what I wanted coz it was NOT worth for me.

[chin978]

December 21,2011 I signed UNCONTESTED divorce paper work.He insisted that he will not pay for a spouse maintenance after the divorce, so I signed the UNCONTESTED divorce paper work.I did NOT know that by Law - I am entitled to have 7 years of his pension(from NY City Transit) and his military pension! He kept silent about those pension! His attitude was: VERBALLY abused towards me...
I told him, I will not move out of the (rental) apartment until I receive the divorce decree paper from the court! and start looking for a room for myself.He forced me to tell him, Howmany months it will take for me to look for a room? My answer: max. 2 months.
THE wicked MONEY suckers sister in law and mother in law, could not wait any longer to get rid of me, ...

[chin978]

The TRUTH is: your husband is married to his beloved MOM, not you. His lip service expressing his love feeling to you is NOT 100% marriage commitment! Believe me, sooner or later--"you" YES "you" will be the only victim in this relationship...emotionally, time, and financially. If you were a smart, independent, financially independent, HEALTHY  mature woman, you are better have a plan for your own benefit! Donot wait too long just because to keep the status : "MRS...".
Learning from my own experience, I am currently having now, I had had enough of the dramas!

[specialmom]

Rats chin!!!  I so wish you had reached out before you signed that paper.  Would it be worth seeking some legal advice now?  Maybe.  Sounds like he ripped you off and bullied you into this.  But . . . you are free of this mean spirited man and his family.  That is a good thing.  

Good luck finding a place to live.  Do you have any family  around you?

[chin978]

Boy friend or future husband to be:

1. Poor Money Management.
2. Self Impulsive spending habit
3. Verbally and physically abused attitude.
4. The IN-LAWS interfere (brainwashing, MONEY suckers).
5. The IN-LAWS or siblings living together with us as a couple.
6. Alcoholic, gamble, sex addictions, drugs.

it is about the time to say: "NO" to the relationship.

[specialmom]

Yes the things you mention would not make for a good partner.  Good for you to look at past negative experience as a way to learn who would be a good partner and who would not.  Peace

[chin978]

why should I be victimized by MONEY suckers? 7 years of marriage of my personal credit card spending did not cause him to file for bankcrupcy, and did not cause him running into debt collector. I am extremely careful in terms of my personal spending habit during our 7 years of marriage!
He can not perform intercourse due to type 2 diabetic( he told me so before we got married). I agreed with that. So you know that we did not have sex intercourse during our marriage. I remained faithfull to him! I am 16 years younger than him! Because I failed to bring income to the household, in his eyes: I am worthless, less than whole! His mother will be 80 years (Nov.8,2012): mental disorder, alheizmer disease, collect social security check, live in poverty. The sister: financially independent, solid marriage, owns a house(almost paid off)-bought a house for her daughter in Huntington,Long Island,2007- using her own house as a coleteral! my husband does not know about it! the sister does not tell me,either. But I know! has 2 paid off private vehicle(mercedes+lexus)!
MONEY suckers wicked sister in law!

[specialmom]

I'm not sure how the sister fits into the picture as she sounds like she is using her own  money chin???  

Anyway, the divorce is recent and is painful.  Hopefully time will make it better.  

Again, do you have any of your OWN family around?

[chin978]

thanks for yr comment. I have one brother(wife+2kids), financially independent! Never asking money from my husband.Marrying my husband is the biggest mistake in my life! time to move on. As a female, when the marriage relationship does not work out well, no financial security plus the obligation to support(time+energy+MONEY) for the in-laws....it is really *****. My husband, tpye 2 diabetic(more than 20 years)+high cholesterol+high calcium+high hypertension plus having problem his vision.He will be 60 years this coming March 2012.

[specialmom]

Chin honey, you sound like you are going to be a LOT better off without him.  Enjoy your new life dear!  Peace

[chin978]

thank you for your sincere support! I had to come up with $.5,000 hiring a private divorce lawyer! I managed to get the money somehow.The attorney will go to the court to file a motion (for a spouse maintance) by Feb.13,2012. I handed all of financial documents she needed.I can not wait to beat him in the court.He will be forced to pay for my attorney fee plus he has to pay his own lawyer! My attorney told me: He will ended up pay "financial" consequences for divorcing me!

[specialmom]

THIS sounds like a good plan chin.  May you win your day in court!!!  good luck dear and let us know how it goes!

[Melmel85]

I came across your story.  I am in the same position. It's february 2012-- time has passed since your post. What ended up happening?? Did you get a divorce? Are you in a happy place now?

I am in limbo. Not sure yet what to do. My husband's family comes first though. They lie, they're the same.

Please let me know what happened, I'll bookmark this page and check back!

[sugarbrown320]

Hi - I keep reading this story over and over again as its so close to home for me. I have been married for 3 years and was with my partner for 7 years before. Everything was picture perfect before we got married. I live with his parents and 2 sisters and 1 brother. Life is HELL, my husband or should i even call him that as he does not know the meaning has completely changed, all his family are against me, for example i dont clean the whole house, i dont treat this place like my own, i dont tell them wher i am going, even when i am always with my husband. I answer back ( sorry i cant have my own opinion). They dont like my family and have turned my husband against my entire family. My husband has given me the ultimatum that if i cant get on with his family and treat them right!!! he will leave me. I did not think such thinking even existed anymore. Clearly i was fooled. He is too close to his family and his marriage happiness is dependant on his family's happiness.  He works in the family business and till date has not bought back one dollar. . But is marriage about his family? He has been testing me over the last 3 years and deceiving me. Is that what a husband should do? He hasnt spoken to me for over 3 weeks now.

[sugarbrown320]

How is your situation now?

[Laly1]

OMG !!! i read every single history and seems like I'm reading my own life, I being married 3 years my mother in lawn ruin my life, with her lies,putting my husband against me, manipulations all the time, she always find the way to put my husband in bad mood before he gets home, she calls my husband 20 times during the work hrs and 6 times when he got home at night, not respect at all, If we eating dinner she calls and complain about the time we eating , what I cook and my husband after answering the phone change his altitude and stop eating, he stop talking and look for any excuse to avoid talking to me cause he say i disrespect his mother, all the time and she cry on the phone cause she just want him to be happy, but she knows I'm not the one for him...SO after that my husband look for many lies just to go to her house and stay there for 3 or 4 days after that he come home broke, upset, complaining of everything and telling me that i need to go to the gym cause I'm getting weight and is not sexy , in our anniversary she called him right before we walk out of the door and he left me all dress up. not flowers not a simple card nothing ...he comeback home 6 hrs later put his pj's and told me good night, thank god his mother is ok and now he can rest, not even a sorry ...nothing at all,,,,a month later in my b-day my husband sent me flowers to my office and ask me to get ready so we can go to eat in an special place...I was so happy i left work early to get ready for an special night....but once again she did exactly the same thing, star crying on the phone asking to go and see her, So he left me again,and the very next day my MIL was visiting, i ignore her and i went to the kitchen. 20 minutes later i walk out...and she was crying so bad in my husband arms telling him she just want him to be happy and she wont call him never again or visit us cause i was so rude and i treated her so wrong and she knows she is not welcome,,,,my husband was yelling at me and she asked my husband to go and use the hall bathroom to wash her face, once we started arguing she went to our master bedroom to check my personal staff. my closet, i walk in to our room and i find her checking my staff,,,but a soon as my husband walk in she starts begging me not to insult her anymore...i couldn't believe her ..i didn't even open my mouth to tell her anything ,,i was in shock ..because i never spected to see her doing that..My husband left with her and comeback 2 weeks later ,,,asking me to sign the divorce papers with out drama and he loves me but we need to go in separated ways ...he left me and MOVE IN WITH HIS MOTHER two days later she called me to insult me and told me We are never going to be together or happy ,,,, if she die maybe.. we will ...but until then ,,,just forget it...

[sugarbrown320]

Hi All

Need your advice. Few months ago my husband and his family came to my parents house for a discussion but ended up leaving me at my parents place and my husband did not talk to me for a week.  During that discussion all they did was put me down and his sister insulted my whole family. A week later he text to say would you like to come home and have you and your family understood what we said. Since i was in shock and could not believe what had happened i went back. That night he cried and said he missed me. Now a week ago, he has dropped me again at my parents and had a argument with my father, argument got heated and his sisters were calling me a liar and all stormed off. I am no longer in contact with him and he blames me for everything, although when we are together he says the sweetest things? What is going on here, is he being deceptive to me and pretending he loves me. He refuses to get in contact with me, but after insulting me and allowing his sisters to accuse me, i dont feel he has any respect for me. Please help me.

[specialmom]

Hi and welcome to the forum.  we are glad to have you.  you placed your question at the bottom of an older thread and sometimes these can get missed.  You can repost your question to open your own thread and you'll likely get more responses.  Go to the top of this page and hit 'post question'.

Now, let me ask you this.  You say that you wonder if he has any respect for you after cutting you off, insulting you with his sister, etc.  Why do you have respect for HIM?  

I get that he can sometimes be nice and all people have good and bad sides.  But if the bad side crosses the line .. . that is when you should consider what your boundaries are.  

Why was this meeting taking place at your parents to 'discuss' whatever issue it was to discuss?  What is the background that I'm obviously missing?  Is there a marriage issue that would help in understanding what is going on?  And why is his family needing to meet with you and at your families house??  I'm just trying to understand this.

I think that you should figure out where your boundary is and at what point someone has crossed it.  Then with the power behind YOU take action.  

If you aren't willing to do that, then sadly, many will continue to treat you badly.  More details would help though in really answering your situation.  good luck

[lindahand]

You are being abused. That is what this is called. I know because he doesn't hit you - you may not recognize it for what it is. Its classic. Horrible behaviour, the make up tears, the drama with the family. And of course he blames you for everything because abusers don't ever seem themselves as a problem. Until HE gets help - nothing you do - nothing you could ever be - will be good enough.

If you can, call around as some places operate on what is called a sliding scale which means you pay according to what you make, find a therapist. Once you reclaim yourself and your value, you'll wonder why you ever wanted him in the first place. You have a second chance at life here. He is giving you an out. Take it. Change your life. You've only got one to live, and there are guys out there that will cherish you.

I speak from experience on this one. I went from a verbally abuse man to one who after 7 years of marriage still opens the car door for me. He taught me what unconditional love really means. There are guys out there that still respect women.

Choose not to be a victim. This is your out. Use it.

[sugarbrown320]

Hi

The family don't like me for reasons i treat the house like a hotel, i only worry about my husband and my room, i dont mix with the family etc. I didnt even know they were coming round and was told on the day that they were coming to my parents house after work and all they did was put me down. His sister even insulted my family. I really have tried and whatever issues that haev arisen tried to move onwards and upwards but it wasnt enough for them. Its ok for them to be secretive but i need to inform them of everywhere i am going even when i am with my husband and he may have already informed them!  They wanted to inform my parents that they are not happy with me. He said he was teaching me a lesson and when i got back he said he would be testing if i changed. The 2nd time around they dropped me again as they accused me of lying and wouldnt let me swear on anyones life that i was telling the truth and that i hid things from my husband. Issue is his family are obsessed with him, i have come along and they dont like me. Thing is when me and him are together we get on and enjoy one anothers company but anytime it involves something i dont like or his family dont like about me and vice versa, he sticks up for them. He has continued to send me insulting messages and at the same time suggests if i change and act normal and am honest he will take me back. As i say to everyone, what person would want to break their marriage, if i was wrong i would rush back today and apologise and wouldnt put myself or my family through this pain. I have been apologising unecssarily for far too long and this time wont allow them to do this to me.

[sugarbrown320]

Hi Lindahand  - thanks for your reply, you are right this is abuse but its just hard to believe. We were the bestest of friends and to think i am ggoing through abuse is hard to digest. Your right i need a man who will provide unconditional love and not one who is under the wing of his parents and siblings and cannot stand up for his wife.

[Blessing11]

Omg this is my life right now. My fiancée and I have been together 5 yrs and I'm almost 13 wks pregnant. His mom, brother and sister in law have done everything to control him. After we found out and he told them it was hell. Emails and calls that he had to choose between them or me. They put so much in his head. He left a month ago and refuses to communicate. Everyone has told me its bc of them. I've tried and tried to communicate. I keep praying he comes to his senses and.stands up to them before the baby is born.

[specialmom]

Oh my goodness Jess, I'm sorry.  I don't get when it is like this.  Sadly, I don't know if he will come to his senses.  But if he lives in the US, he has a legal obligation to this child.  I'd sue for paternity regardless.  Your child is owed that.

I'm very sorry that this has happened.  Has it always been difficult with you and his family?  

[jaber01]

I googled a few keywords and landed here searching for the same experience someone else might have had. When I got married, I saw a face to my mother that I could have never even dreamed in my worst nightmare. During our wedding preparations, my mother would search for the tiniest issues to make big problems. I felt like she wanted to find reasons to paint my wife in a negative way. A few days before the wedding, my mother's side of the family all started to take turns in hurting my wife with indirect insults. At the day of the wedding again she was insulted and her parents were disrespected by my own mother. My wife started hating me so much we almost didn't get through the marriage. But deep down each of us loved one another. I was brainwashed in believing all sorts of BS about my wife and caused to have many unwanted arguments and misunderstandings. My wife saw me as taking my family's side, where in fact I was defending her in front of mine but just tried to calm everyone down and took it all upon me. So imagine in what kind of nasty situation I was standing there in the middle getting hit by both sides. Until I got fed-up that is. I started seeing into my family's deceptive games caused by envy, jealousy, and the sheer pleasure of seeing someone else suffer. These people have so much s**t going in their own lives that they enjoy ruining someone else's. When I took my wife's side they all turned on me like a pack of wolves. My mother wanted to kill me and my wife given the chance. It took me tremendous courage to be able to withstand their attacks on us and reassure my wife who was afraid for her life and panicky. In all of this I never once insulted any body or reacted emotionally because that would have been exactly what they had wanted. I reassured my wife that I was 100% next to her and would protect her against anything. I took the decision to cut all ties to my family so I can focus on building our future without harm. Its been 1 year now since these events took place and we are a very happy couple sharing a deep loving relation.  

[sugarbrown320]

Wow - i only wish you could have a word with my husband - We were best of friends and he has now turned against me and thinks i am a liar, jealous of his family, competitive. All the things i am definately not. He has stopped talking to me for 2 months and insulted me and my family. If only he could see sense that he is throwing away his marriage.

[bingo411]

The same has happened to me 3 weeks ago - she has finally broken up our 10 year relationship in the month we were gonna start trying for a baby as my maternity benefits are now available.... I sent her on a holiday to India in June and this is how she repays me - am devastated 33 year old whilst the 65 year old has no wisdom and nothing but selfishness, greed and jealousy .... How do u overcome the pain and start again?

[anila935]

I am in the same situation, so bizarre..I never thought that i would end up in a such situation. My in laws dont live with us but they pretend after 2 or 3 years. Any way they visits last 3-4 days and in case of vacations for weeks. Any time they come they end up going upset with me for some reasons. For sure she is the kind of MIL that enters my room without knocking, looks everywhere in my closed, buys me clothes and then looks in the closed because wants to wear herself, crazy enough huh? Now she says every time to my husband that i disrespect her, even that i do all the house work and cook every time they come and try to do everything while they go out drinking beers and coffee. She have said lots of insults to me and lots of things to my parents when i give birth my baby girl almost one year ago, but for sure she denies everything and i am shocked about this. And for sure my husband don't stand up for our family and thinks i have invented or i am interpreting things which is not true. The thing is that mothers manipulate their sons and because of jealousy they dont want them to love nobody but them. There are some days where i see no light at the end of the tunnel, and if i didnt have a wonderful baby girl for sure i would give up because these are lots of b****t. But i dont want my girl to grow without his father, and he when we argue he in a way says that she is his mother...strange...i only ask to keep them distant from our marriage life, but for sure he wont. I keep thinking that men that cant stand up for the family they create dont deserve a family. He chooses hes mother over his wife and doughter, who the hell in the world would make this choice? I would never choose my parents over my family. \But I have a child and i dont want her to grow with separated parents. All the root of these conflicts are the live of your and mine MIL. My mil had separate parents and a brother who didnt talked to her mother. She does not want to be separated from her son like her mother was this is obvious, but she is making all the efforts to give an end to his son's family by pressuring him with her cries and lies and her depression.   I am a muslim girl and i really fear lies. Islam is really great religion, when a men gets married he should walk out from his family and start his own in a separate place, but for sure he should take care of his family as well. Even if the MIL and DIL get along they should live separately, its known everywhere that at a time there will come conflicts. But people are not civil enought to understand everyone needs his privacy and for sure men havent cut the cord when they were born.

[sofi225]

Hi everybody,  most of the stories relate with mine. Its been 3.5 years since i am married. Me and my husband were in US in the beginning and it was going well, just the two of us. We came back to India, as our FIL passed away. My husband's brother forced us to come back by emotionally blackmailing him. Once we came back, I was left with my MIL and my husbands sister, whereas he was at another city. He dint take me with him for 5 months. His mom is very jealous and wants his son to look after his sister who has left her husband's house. So she has poisoned his mind with full of lies about me and my parents. My husband is like mommy's boy, what ever she says is the final word. She is least bothered about her son' s life. She is a very selfish lady. I couldnt bear the torture so
came out of the house. My husband came and promised me that he will take me back to the city where he lived, and i believed him and went. But there he started punishing me more and tortured me more. He dint allow me to work, i had to just sit at home with just a phone and cook and more over always listened to his moms words. His entire family has poisoned about me. I came out second time also when i couldnt withstand his bad behavior. I miss him a lot, cos he is  very caring in terms of physically. But i dont have an identity, will just have to listen to him and lead life as he shows. My feelings are not respected and cared. I cant even visit my parents when i want. What should i do?

[bingo411]

Hello sofi225, sorry to hear ur going through all of this. I am Indian and in the UK and unfortunately my marriage collapsed recently. My husband took his mum on a holiday to India, came back and said he wants a divorce. She poisoned him into thinking I am dragging him down where all she wants is that he spend all his money on her...she has a bad relationship with her husband so her son has become her substitute. What I will say to u is whatever u do ( and coming out of myrelatipnzhip I realised how surpassed I was and my parents also feel that ... I can't pass on to u what happens next, if I will regret it or not...) but u must keep in touch with ur family and ur own friends..... If ur mil ever tells ur husband to leave u - make sure u have support and ideally ur own income.... It sounds like ur at their mercy...they make alll the decisions

[bingo411]

Typo it was Supressed not surpassed

[sofi225]

Yes, they make all the decisions, i am never part of any of the decisions that are taken. My husband, his mom n his brother take all the decisions.  I should only follow it.  My husband wants to keep his mom happy, but she is playing the culprit here. My MIL is afraid that my husband will be more attached to me and my parents, she wants him to only look after his daughter. We are lookign after her nicely but i dont understand her problem. So she keeps poisoning  his mind about me and my parents.  I am in a shock, how could a mother be responsible in ruining her own son's life?

[bingo411]

I understand u fully but believe some mil r just selfish and think their son can do better - they themselves didn't get divorced but their son is theirs only as long as they live. In my case his mother was doing it in his best interest - if u keep telling someone their partner is bad And u can do better - ppl can get big headed - especially if it's a parent who constantly provides their son with too much confidence- reality is he is not a king, maybe he is mil king but he is ur husband who has flaws, with whom u will argue etc...

My mil actually sat at my parents house 1 year ago saying ppl r willing to give me so much dowry for him....when we had been married for 7 yrs!!!!

[Steph_MHModerator]

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Divorce--Breakups/Mother-in-law-ruined-my-marriage--how-do-I-get-my-husband-back/show/1406575?page=1#post_8273383

[sofi225]

Is it better to leave and move on?   I love my husband but i cannot trust him. He speaks something and does according to his mom. I dont have any identity. I am fed up with the fights that she creates.

[sugarbrown320]

OMG i am going through the same thing - My husband is convinced i am a liar, his brain has been polluted by his mothers and sisters - who keep telling him i am no good and he can do way better. He has even filed for divorce but at the same time still says to me this is a very sad situation! He has no backbone and as much as i love my husbadn he has humuiliated me and dropped me at my mums twice now. My husband too was acting one way with me all sweet and how perfect i am and then something else outside in front of his family. I have been advised to move on as hard as it is. I knew this guy for sooooo long.

[bingo411]

And to You sofi225 - I have gone through it - getting a divorce after 8 years now... It is scary to be alone, etc but also I now have some peace.... Personally I keep thinking what if I fought more, did more, didn't say this ... But he was unbeknown to me poisoned by his mother for many years.. And it was only me making an effort - it takes 2 ppl to make a marriage work... In the end my exh was not logical and created problems could not solve....he then said had there been a better integration with his family....  am so sad I am speaking to some ppl about this and it is amazing how many women have experienced this too... It is amazing how some men think only they have control.... Only u both can make the decision for urself... All I can say is after 1 month of no arguing I feel at peace, but also sad for my future dreams being lost with him...

[sugarbrown320]

Hi Bingo if you dont mind me asking are you of asian origin. I have known by hubby since we were 18, and me and him together alone enjoyed each others company, had so much fun. But the general nit picking of his family created issues and disagreements. There was one rule for them and another for me. Their behaviour has been unjustified. I really tried making an effort, especially when it was  anew environment and family for me to adjust into. But what i did was never good enough. He has completely changed and thinks he is in charge of me now, and before we used to always have a balanced relationship.

[bingo411]

Hey - I am Indian... Nothing I ever did was good enough....ditto to all u write, I got criticised for not integrating, respecting blahblah but only from mil and hubby, not fil who was fair.... All I can say to u is - read up on emotional abuse and think if ur going through this... I did but never realised until now

[masebotsana]

I am also going through something similar. My hubby and I went to his home country to visit for a holiday in December last year. I left him behind in January as I had to come back to work. My hubby is self-employed so that is why he had to stay back to finalise his business dealings. He has closed all his business ventures now and was meant to return back to our house two weeks back. His mother called requesting that he stays another week because she wants to buy me some food stuff. I did not see anything wrong with that but i was stupid to believe her. Now the week has passed and she and my sister in law call me asking that he stays in his country for another two weeks. I told my husband that he must really make his mind whether to come back or not. If he is not coming back he must tell me. Last night he had a fight with his mother and she told him that if he can leave she will die. My husband does not want to talk to me, his phone is off. He was meant to fly back to the country tonight but at this rate I do not think he will come. I think I also contributed to this whole mess because I will leave him and he will call me begging me and i will take him back but now i have decided that enough is enough. He is allowing his mother and sister to interfere in our marriage. It does not even make it easier that he has been away with his family for more than 9 months now.

[sweetandsour]

Hey, i am also going through the same. I dont understand if I should leave him or still stay with him.

We are married for 4 years now, and from the start of our marriage we have been staying separately on a rental house. During the 3.5 years of my marriage my husband made a decision without letting me know to shift at a new house. After we shifted to the new house my MIL & BIL shifted in with us, but my FIL is staying at their old house still.
MIL hates me from the start and behaves wierd not only with me but also with her husband (FIL). FIL doesnt eat the food cooked by MIL for past 30years till now and he feels happy staying alone.

MIL doesnt even go to visit him or ask him, and instead stays with us to fight everyday.... She is staying with us for past 5 months and within those months she has fought with me 50 times. SHe talks well with her sons but not even a reply of greeting to me.

Now i have started having grudges with her and feel like killing her., If i tell anything to my husband what she mother does and behaves, he tell me to keep quite and sort it out with her. Which is IMPOSSIBLE.. And he says better go back to your dad if you cant stay in or adjust in with us... And he says big bad words to my dad, i can't tolerate a person who doesnt respect my father.
And my husband doesnt want to move to another house.

I feel like leaving all of them and go back to stay with my dad... Please help me with advice....

[jream]

It sounds like your MIL is a witch and know how to conjure up evil to keep her sons under her control. She's jealous of your relationship. All you can do is begin to pray like never before if you know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour. I pray that God opens up your knowledge and your Husbands knowledge to your MIL evil ways. Witchcraft keeps a lot of marriages torn and relationships ruined because of their need to control. I hope this helps.

[piu330]

Ladies,

I have gone through the posts more or less. I am going through the same situations. From all of you and also me, it seems to be a normal social discrepancy that cant be stopped by any laws. There are infact no laws for women, which can support the marriage. The laws of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and 498a are only true if your inlaws are torturing you physically. These days however, inlwas have started becoming smart enough and do the things mentally.
There should definitely be some solutions / some way to handle these. Why should we leave our husband or let the marriage break, when we can clearly understand the game played by our in laws. We had got married to raise famillies, right ? For me, I can not trust another guy anymore. And if I come out of this relationship, then I will never be married again. Then what happens to all my dreams / my parents expectations.
Why not , instead of leaving the field, we also fight in a way, to get positive results. IF THERE IS A WILL, THERE DEFINITELY IS A WAY.

PIU

[piu330]

Please do not leave your husband. Never. NO MAN CAN BE TRUSTED. Just think and think more, how to deal with the situation. May be watch one of the SAAS-BAHU serials in the TVs. Those may give you some ideas. These may be funny, and you can also be frustrated.
BUT NEVER LEAVE YOUR FIELD. THERE'S NO MOVING ON, especially when you love your husband.

Atleast, I am not leaving my husband. I am even in a more bad condition, right now.

Piu

[lovethakur]

Hi Monika,
Whatever u said inthe end was so true. My sis is going through the same mess. She has 2 months daughter. her husband is in some middle east country and she is currently living with her mil from past 7 months. she came to india for her delivery and since than the matter btwn the couple has gone bad to worst. and it is all becoz of her mil. her husband now does not want to live with her (my sis). my parents are tensed as it was her second marriage. this make the situation very bad.  

[ladyb123]

Hi everyone,
My situation is my fiancé is disabled and in a wheelchair for the rest of his life and was given a settlement fee as he was a passenger in a car accident. We have been together nearly 6 yrs and i want a child so much but so worried how his mother is going to act as she is very controlling. She emotionally blackmails my partner and he has given her most of his money and now we are barely getting by paying our household bills. I cant work as i am his full time carer and do not get any money for it so i don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart but cant keep getting treated like this as its emotionally destroying me and don't want to talk to my partner about it as he gets very defensive and we have massive arguments in the past because of it. Every time she rings i'm on edge because i know its about money. We have a few investment and now when they are complete she is going to be back here asking for more money (i mean she has had hundreds of thousands pounds of my disabled partner, who does that to their own son). This is only a small bit of the crap i have been through over the last (nearly) 6 yrs.
Oh and also she has the cheek to tell everyone i am a gold digger i mean pot calling kettle and all that. Know one would go through the crap i have and still be here looking after my partner. I actually come from a wealthy family and my partners family have never had anything so they might be used to scrapping by but i am not.
I pray to god that all us women going through all this heart ache and pain that we find a light at the end of the tunnel as we all deserve to be treated with respect and just be happy!!!! All i want is to be happy!!!!

[sippycup]

OMG .. so many women of indian origin going through same thing...myself divorced twice due to In law problems.My friends going through same ****..not able to get out of marriage due to kids and suffering...I thought a lot about it and it boils down to guy really wanting you for rest of his life..it is the indian guy who has to grow up...he has to realize that he is husband to his wife and need to stand up for her..

My first ex husband  really regrets the divorce after 5 years and does not speak to sister in law etc any more..

[debbieforlife]

We as daughter-in-laws need to stand up for our marriages, even if our husbands are not!  I finally stood up to my mother-in-law and told her boldly to stay out of my marriage, to stay away from me.  I said if you don't like me that's fine, i can live with that but I don't want anything to do with you.  I don't want you saying anything bad about me to my husband.  Your son is my husband, we have a legal binding contract to each other and I am not leaving him for you.  He is your son, not your man or your boyfriend and I will not tolerate you harassing me.!  Leave my family alone!  It is truly sick that some women look to their sons as "their man" their boyfriend or companion and get jealous when they get married.  I felt like my mother in law was the other woman!  I was going to leave my husband but then I thought, that is just want she wants, like the "other woman"  I had to tell her to leave my husband alone!  Get your own man!  

[mrboo32]

I hate my mother in law, she is a selfish ****, I know it sounds harsh but I am not generally so blunt. I have had to put up with her breaking her family up for some no good silver tongue prat who now sponges of her and takes no adult contributions. I have had her dumping her son on us since we moved in? NO joke the first weekend we moved in I had a ready made family so she could keep an eye on him? Every bloody weekend he was there aaaaahhhhhh.

A few years ago we had her living with us because he used to beat the stupid cow up. Every friday for months we had chaos late night calls can I stop at yours and she did? I had police cars, solicitors community support workers, police in my house because of her and then after I was working all crazy hours to make head way with paying for the  house. I had to ask her to leave because I didnt not put up with her whilst my wife was considering going on holiday ????/

know thats pretty ****** up? M in law or **** face went home I had my castle back at last and she said to me HE IS BETTER THEN NOTHING????? A few years have passed and I still feel bitter she took my honey moon period of me THANKS. This is how low she goes rips her kids of with inheriance money thats right changed the ******* will £20.000. Oooo I have saved the best till last she is now planning to move three streets up from my house I have spent the last two days arguing with my wife trying to tell and encourage her to move house  and get away? I love my wife but I hate her she is a **** but ***** are useful and nice. she is a MOTHER IN LAW  and I hope she drops down dead?

[pc97197]

Hi all

I read all the stories in this forum. I am an Indian girl, got my marriage fixed with my boyfriend of 7 yrs. The first six months of the courtship were just amazing. Recently, my to be in-laws started demanding for money and kept other conditions in front of my parents. The conditions were unbelievable and were unending. This was done in presence of my fiancee and myself. My guy stood against them and told them several times that he wants me. Then, obviously started the EBM from my to be FIL and MIL. They told him that they dont want to go ahead with the relationship as they think i would not be a good DIL to them and would land up splitting their family.
The guy tried explaining to his family for a couple of weeks and asked them to find an intermediate solution.
One fine day, his parents telephoned my family and called off the marriage.
The guy is shattered and so am I. He is so much fed up of the EBM that now he cannot think...literally. Please help me out with the situation...

[specialmom]

You don't state your age.  Could you both move to a different country where you do not have to live under such unfair rules?  

[blossom261]

Hi, i am a 33 years old indian woman from US and I met my fiance who is an Indian man from India. We were working in the same office and he suddenly declared his feelings for me one day. I was initially hesistant as we were from different countries and our likings might differ but he was persuasive and told me that he will make it work. He first introduced his mum over the phone and I spoke to her. My fiance and I were very much in love and he was the sweetest thing that happened to me. Soon, he wanted to leave US and go back to India as he felt the job in India was better off.  We were in a long distance for a yr and when i went to meet him,he wanted us to get married soon but i started having my doubts as he never calls me and it was always me initiating the calls and he went out with his frens making me wait and cry by the phone on Valentine's Day. I persuaded myself that he will be more responsible if i kept showing more love. Then, he brought me to Delhi to meet his family and i felt my whole life crumbling down on me. His mum was so sweet to me in front of him and when he was out of sight, she told me that she doesn't want me to marry him as i was not the same caste and she told me that my fiance will only listen to what she says. Heartbroken, i assured her that i will take care of her family as my own. His character was also very different. His sis, me and him went out and he was hugging and pampering her all the while and i was walking all by myself. He let me go to the market with his sister at nite and refused to accompany as he wanted to be with his mum. Those 3 days of my life was a living hell!  My fiance and I were supposed to come back to US to meet my family. The whole drama started. The younger sister started crying as if i was snatching her brother away from her and he started crying with the mum and fell on his younger sister's feet for blessing! Who in the world falls on a younger sister's feet? Looking at all these, i understood i was dating a momma's boy and a brother who is mad abt his sister! He was very down when he came to speak to my family and my family was overjoyed that i was finally getting married. He left and all that happened after that was we were quarreling all the time becos of what his mum wanted. She told him that a foreigner cannot take care of him and i m not suitable for him and she wanted to live with us after marriage. I cried and begged him to stop quarrelling as i loved him very much but it kept coming back. Distraught, i went to meet him again, this time, i saw a totally different man.His sister got married and the mum kept calling him to get money for the sister and she brainwashed him with stories abt DIL abusing MIL. Being naive, he totally believed her words and started looking at me differently and gave all he had to his mum and landed in debts. At home, he was normal but whenever his mum called, he kept shouting at me and kept hurting my feelings saying that i purposely pushed the wedding which was true becos when his dad spoke to my dad, he was so rude to my father. His dad wanted me to sacrifice everything for his family! My fiance told me to leave my job, my ailing dad and everything for his happiness. i realised when i was with him that as what the posts have stated, his mum calls numerous times like 20 times if he did not pick up the calls. i have always been nice to his mum but she just didnt want me. My grandpa suddenly passed away last month and my whole family was distraught. He didnt call to console my family and pretended like everything was fine. Confused, i called him but he broke up with me on the day we cremated my grandpa.(This was 2 weeks after i came back from visiting him) i was devastated. I gave him time and called him again as my mum started pushing me for marriage. I begged him to call my family and he told my mum that he wanted to marry me. When i called him the next day, he told me that he doesnt love me anymore and asked me to call off the whole thing. 3 days later, he msged me saying that it was only right for us to part ways and it wasnt my fault and he can talk to my parents and explain everything. i didnt reply that msg and its been a mth. No calls, msges. 3 years of relationship dedicated to a man with ironing his clothes, cooking fresh food and cleaning his house whenever i was with him and even that when i asked him what it means to him,he told me that a maid can do all these for money..He dumped me for another woman. HIS MUM!!!! Pls tell me what i should do.

[specialmom]

Oh goodness blossom.  sorry to hear this.  There are stories here often of these bad family situations.  I'm just going to put this out there.  If you aren't married ----  I would NEVER marry into this situation when you see what it would be like beforehand.  

While this hurts so very bad----  I think you are going to be better off.  I really really do.  I know you are feeling rejected, sad and angry all at once.  Understandable.  You put in solid time with this man.  However, I think down the road, you'd have more unhappiness and would have tied your life to it.

so, what should you do now?  Do your best to move on.  Find someone that also comes from the US where moms of our partners are a pain but don't rule our lives.  You'll have more in common as well.  This man also showed you that he wasn't a great match when he didn't call you or continue the closeness to you once he was in India away from you.  And in the aftermath, he's just moved on.  

I think this is a blessing in disguise.  I want you to take some time to heal, stay really busy, and then find someone that you can have a more peaceful existance with than this man.  good luck and peace.  (stay in touch too and let us know how you are doing)

[blossom261]

Thank u for the reply. I am really heart broken after being with him for 3 years and he could just say i dun love u anymore. What did all those words and promises mean? Where was I in his life? What have i gotten myself and my family into?

[sugarbrown320]

Dear Blossom

I am sorry to hear what you have gone through. But please count your lucky stars you did not marry him. I was with my ex for 10 years before we got married and i was walking on rose petals. As soon as we got married everything changed, he allowed his mother and siblings who are obsessed with him! to treat me so bad and he would never stick up for me. They brainwashed him and the actions of his mother, sisters and him was sickeneing.. I am now in process of divorce..its heatbreaking and for me he always said i was perfect and then behind my back with his family plotted inhumane things. You will be sad now, but this is a lesson. Dont depend on others for your happiness. I am still in disbelief what has happened to me, but if i continued with putting up withtheir nonsense and bullying and ill treating me, i would have ended up going mad just like them! My ex promised me the world, said he loved me every day, but he was brainwshed and his greed and his familys greed resulted in the breakup. I trusted him blindly..he has definately taught me no longer to be niave and blinded in love! The healing process will be tough, its all very raw for me still and painful. Just remember you have saved you and your familys life from a lifetime of stress and nonsense from an uneducated insecure family

[Brainoverheart]

Dear anamika,

Your situation is tough and we all are in similar predicaments unfortunately. However remember that a jealous, overbearing, possessive, selfish mother in law whose sole purpose in the world is to feed lies to your husband about you is only alright if the husband sides with you and only you.  A spineless mamma's boy Is not worth your time.  You can do much better.  I know its an incredibly difficult situation.  Believe in yourself and put your happiness First before any man.  God Bless you dear.  Remember you before any man.  We've only got One life to live.

[jackie123969]

hi, i've been reading everyones comments and i'm saddened by how common this problem is because i know how badly it can affect your relationship and take over your whole life, these women cause so much misery and hurt and they love every minute of it, it's also not a cultural problem  these women are plotting and scheming in every society. I've been with my husband for 6 years married for nearly 2 and she's been making my life a misery from the second time i met her, photos of his ex have been pushed under my nose telling me how great she was etc, she approached me at my BIL's wedding just to inform me that she was glad to see i'd got a dress that covered my tummy( im not by any means large), she's taken up as much of my husbands time as possible for a while she took to visiting every night at 10.30pm, phoning my husband every Sunday at 8.30am to take her out,she lies, two faced, a thief (she thinks she's entitled to take anything she wants including money) the list is too long to put on here but you get the idea. I tried to tell my husband how horrible she was to me when he wasn't around and how she was taking advantage of him but he wouldn't listen and would get angry with me, we had a lot of arguments all stemming from her behaviour, when we decided to get married she made it blatantly obvious to us that she didnt want it to happen and she wouldnt come ,so we went away and got married on our own, she went around telling everyone how we hadn't told her we were going to get married and how heartbroken she was because she should have been there, anyway she carried on insulting me when he wasn't around and i kept telling him, he blew it off like it was nothing, then something great happened, a friend who knew her as well, asked us how married life was treating us and unknowingly to me my husband looked at his mother who's face went bright red(anger) and her expression changed into the devils, he couldnt get over it and he was talking about it for ages and he was shocked but thats when he realised she had another side to her. That happened a few months after we got married and she's been trying to plot and scheme as always but my hubby can see straight through her now and he even apologised to me for not believing me in the past and we are so close now its unreal, we see her as little as we can now and its like a breath of fresh air and to make things even better we had a phonecall from BIL saying that they have been having the same problems with her but to a lesser extent BIL couldnt believe it when hubby told him what she's been doing to us so that's a big relief too because as you all know its a lonely and frustrating place when nobody believes you.She's still talking about us to people but we're moving to a different area as soon as we can, it still bothers me a lot  when i know she's been talking and telling lies about us and  i still get VERY angry thats why i'm here now because i found out last night that she's been at it again.. Sorry for going on for so long but my lifes been hell with her in it and i can honestly say that she is the only person on this planet  that i HATE from the bottom of my heart, by the way google narcissistic mother in law you might find it very helpful, love and good luck to you all xx

[angelie240]

I have read most of the stories and all i can say is that i am having mil, fil and 3*sil and hubby issues. Its been 4 years for my marriage and I live in the US with my husband. my inlaws live in bbay along with my sils. everything was fine in the first 1 year and then slowly the true colours started showing. My mil is very emotional and my fil is a very shrewd man. my sils are the interfering ones...who have an opinion on everything. Everytime we go to india, there are issues...why dont u make this our home, stay with us more, do as i say (FIL), you are a very manipulative person...etc etc. And my husband does not say a word against it. He thinks i just dont get it and I need to accept his parents because they are getting older. And at every visit i am supposed to say sorry to them. its just been 2 visits to india and this time, i was literally forced emotionally to say sorry to them....and my husband agrees with them. I feel he just does not understand me. if he says even once, he understands me and stands by me, i would do anything to make his parents happy. BUt i just dont feel there is anything left in it for us. and i feel like walking out. I just dont know what to do....

[Brokenupstategirl]

I am currently in the exact same situation.  My husband and I have only been married for seven months; however, we were together for three years before we wed.  His family have ever liked or approved of me since day one.  They are very wealthy and to them, money is everything.  His mother was threatening to have him taken out of their family partnerships and wills, unless he left me.  Sure, we had our share of petty marital spats, but nothing serious enough to divorce over.  I have been previoulsy married before him and have two sons from that marriage, whose biological father hasn't ever been in e picture.  My sons are 6 and 10 and they loved and adored my husband dearly.  We three moved to another state (near his entire family) and built a large home and thought we had a great life there.  However, three weeks ago, on my birthday I might add, he looked at me for no apparent reason and said that he simply was not in love with me anymore.  He said he wanted us to separate immediately and that night he left.  Three days later, he had already had a legal separation/property settlement agreement drawn up and insisted on the boys and I moving back to SC.  My sons (our sons, as they both refereed to him as their dad, and we had previously been planning to allow him to legally adopt my sons).  Shocked and terrified, we began packing up all of our personal belongings.  My sons cried and begged him to change his mind, but he refused time and time again.  Against my better judgment, I signed his ridiculous separation agreement, which stated that the boys and I had to vacate our home (immediately), and that the only things I could take was our clothing, toys and personal things and he allowed me one vehicle.   He  was to keep our home, since it was built before our wedding date, solely in his name, and being that we were married less than a year, marital assets wouldn't be 'put into play'.
This man who I still love with every ounce of my being, who was also my very best friend, who raised my boys as his own for the past several years, could simply turn off all of his feelings now and just walk out of our lives as we were merely strangers.
These past three weeks have been completely devastating to the boys and I, to say the least.  We still love him and would give anything to have our family back.  They now have had to transfer schools (again) and are beginning to have some form of peace with it all.  I, on the other hand, cry myself to sleep every nigh since the separation.  I've tried calling, texting, emailing but it's no use.  It usually only infuriates him more that I wont leave him alone now.  He has been talking to me 10 min every night, mostly all for the boys and quickly hangs up at my mentioning any possibility of reconcillation.  I don't know what else to do.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  This is a very old post.  It would be best for people to start their own question to get responses.  good luck

[disappointed812]

Just wondering how this all turned out...............

[prozac166]

MIL issues apply to men too.

I got married 2 years ago, and since then, my mother in law and father in law have ruined our marriage.

they have poisoned my wife against me and my family.  I'm a decent bloke but they have accused me of every single negative trait ans basically keep telling my wife she is not happy and that i am useless , sly, crafty, etcetera.

My wife is being played and is failing to see it.  :(  She does not seem to have the ablity to understand this and me being patient has not worked .  They basically want access to her 24/7.  I've tried to explain to them but they are failing to understand.

My life is on hold.  Weekends, weekday evenings we keep spending at the in-laws.  I have stopped going but this has only esculated the brainwashing.  They have even found her a part time job ( one day a week near their home)  which now means she spends weds thurs and even friday night at her parents.

She has asked me to move closer to her parents. I have point blanket refused and now she is not coming home at all

Oh at home, she does zero anything except moan why the fridge is empty.


Basically i wish i never got married. Any of you reading this, if you have any doubt about the nature of your in laws, drop the boy and move on. your save yourself $$$£££RRR

[lovehats]

I have just left my relationship,,, only 2 years, but I cant cope with the interfering toxic mother in law, tried to tell my partner and he wont liste,... So yes he has made his choice and thats his mother... judging by the comments on here Ive saved myself years of heartache....

[simple579]

this is the story of 90% indian brides, whether they had love or arranged marriage. i am going through same treatment by my in-laws. they have tortured me so much emotionally and mentally that even in a severely complicated pregnancy i used get up and cry alone at nights. I have tried my best to win their hearts but it seems nothing i do will ever please them. now i have a small daughter and things are getting worse. don't know what will happen in future.

[sushi784]

I am almost in the same situation. I have been married fourteen years and the older my husbands mother gets the more she takes advantage and no she is not the sweet old sick weak lady he describes her to be. She sounds loud bossy mean likes to get her way. My husband is married to her it seems like. Anything she wants or asks for is okay. If she makes him mad he gets red angry but doesn't tell her how he feels she probably wouldn't care anyway since she seems self centered. So he waits until he talks to me and blow up yells at me picks on me and as usual she gets away with making him stressed out and angry. Of course he never blames her even though its obvious after he talks to her his blood pressure goes sky high, He pays her electricity bill then always complains that ours is to high. I will not go on but will say she is making life miserable for me and my kids I'm sure she wouldn't care anyway. I don't know if I should leave and get divorced since I have kids under fourteen. There use to there home but I don't know if I can take it anymore. The older she gets the more she milks it. He makes a good income but it seems like he doesn't since it's like having two households and two wives. Now the equity loan expired payment is supposedly going up and he wants to sell the house makes it very clear but my kids love the house we lived in for fourteen years. Yet his mom loves waiting his money on her house something is always broken or wrong. Never complains to her. Marriage is on the verge I'm not sure if I should let him sell the house yet. What should I do.

[ushi148]

im married for 2 years, my life is so miserable due to inlaws torture.
My inlaws doesnt like my family they are not allowing me to use a mobile.
They wont allow my parents to come to my home and wont allow me to go n meet them. I always keep crying remembering my parents n siblings.
My mother in law is a big devil and my husband easily comes into his words.
My husband doesnt believe whatever i say to him.

Me n my husband had a good relationship before marriage, but now after marriage we r not speaking to each other properly.

Anybody please help me how to get out of this problem