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Mother in law ruined my marriage, how do I get my husband back!?
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by anamikahelp, Dec 02, 2010
My husband and I have been married for three and half years.  We became best friends prior to getting married and our marriage was very good since we shared such a good relationship.  A few months ago my brother in law moved in with his wife.  They have a very bad relationship and were always fighting and even beating each other.  It ruined the peace in my house and my husband and I would spend more time fixing their fights or arguing over their problems, then taking care of ourselves.  After that, my mother in law came.  She was fine with me the previous two times she visited and stayed with us (always stayed like 3 months at a time), but this time, she totally changed on me.  She manipulated my husband into believing that I was disheartening her and that I was not giving her respect.  My husband was never home, so it was my word against hers.  She would go through our stuff in our room when we both were at work and she would stand outside my bedroom and listen to our conversations.  I caught her many times, but ignored.  Finally, one day I told my husband and started fighting with me over it.  Then, when he asked her, she denied it.   After my mother in law left, she kept calling my husband when I wasn't around and feeding him negativity about me.  She kept crying and doing drama that I hurt her feelings and that is why she left.  I didn't understand what was going on because she never did that to me before.  If you met her, you would think she's the nicest MIL in the world.  

During all this my brother in law started putting negative thoughts in my husbands head, too.  My sister in law told me one day that my mother in law and brother in law are trying to control my husband because he worships the ground I walk on and they don't like it.   She also told me that her husband (my brother in law) has been trying to turn her against me so that we won't get a long.   I didn't know how to react, so I just took it as information and ignored it.  I figured if I don't get involved, then nothing will happen.

All this kept adding up and one day my husband and I got into a huge fight.  His brother and mother had made up lies and totally provoked him against me.  I told him it wasn't true and he didn't listen, so I walked out of the house.
A day later, we made up and he promised that he would take care of the issues his brother was causing.  However, that lasted about a minute, because the second I entered the house again, his brother caused more problems.  This time, the sister in law back-stabbed me too and lied that I said things which I didn't.   My husband stood there against me with all of them and at that time I mentally broke down and decided that I needed to be separated.  There were too many misunderstandings and my husband was not ready to listen.  On top of that, his family was just lying left and right to make sure all their bull s*** gets covered up.  

A lot of things went down...it was a nasty fight between both families.  I also reacted out of anger and so did they. However, despite what he did and his family did, I still want to be with him.    It's been three months that we have been separated and the other day he sent me a legal notice indicating there will be no reconciliation.  He wants divorce.  In the past three months, I have cried, I have begged, I even went to see him (we are long distance right now), I emailed him, I tried to have his friends and family talk to him - I mean..everything has been done from my side to reconcile even though I am not the root cause of this problem.  His own family and friends told me that he is being an idiot and is wrong, but because he is so close to his family and blindly trusts them, he doesn't have the guts to stand up for what's right for him.  

I am very heartbroken and hurt.  I love him a lot and I know deep down he loves me too.  But he doesn't have the courage to stand up for me against his family.  His problem is not me at this point, his problem is that his family has a problem with me.  I don't know what to do...I initially walked out to save myself mental torture (my sister in law is a mental depression patient and takes pills because of how my mother in law ruined her relationship with her husband), but this is not any better.   I want my husband back, but he fails to see the truth.  He fails to realize that we both were perfect before his family came.  He is the kind of guy who couldn't even spend one hour without talking to me and now its been three months and he has had no heart to come and even give us a chance.  He didn't even tell me he wanted divorce.  He emailed it to me!  

The worst is that he is doing all this because his family is forcing him to.  So he's making himself believe all these lies about me and he wrote me nasty emails pointing fingers at my character and all these fabricated stories from what his mother and brother have told him.  He has created this negative false image of me so that he could get through this.  I don't know what to do.  In our country mother in laws are a huge problem and they are known to brainwash their sons because of jealousy, ego, and wanting control.  I would have never thought she was like that, but boy was a I wrong!

I don't know how to get through this.  My husband refuses to talk to me, his family has forced him to cut off all contact with his friends and relatives, and his family also hasn't tried to resolve this.
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Member Comments (105)
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by mandsmom, Dec 02, 2010
I know exactly how you feel.  My husband was the same way with his family, especially his mother, and I finally had enough of it that I did the same as you and walked out of the situation.  My husband and I have been seperated for over 8 months and we are working things out gradually.  What you have to do is seperate yourself from him as far as cutting off all contact with him, not showing him that you still care, and making him do all of the talking if he has anything to say.  The more vulnerable you make yourself to him the more he will just sit back and think that you are always going to be there, especially when he wants you to be.  Make him believe that you don't care and that will soon make him realize that a decision has to be made on his part, does he want to live the rest of his life with his wife that he made vows with or does he want to spend the rest of his life being a momma's boy?  Ultimately, when men have to make that decision they usually pick their wives.  As long as they know you will be there, they will treat you however they want to.  It took me a long time to realize that, and as soon as I started acting as though I didn't care, my husband started changing his ways, and he has done a complete turnaround since we seperated.  If he doesn't try and work things out with you after you prove to him that he can act this way and it doesn't bother you, then you deserve better.  If there are no children involved I would definately give him the cold shoulder.  Good luck, God bless and Happy Holidays!
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by teko, Dec 02, 2010
A man is to leave his father and his mother and cleve unto his wife. I believe that you should never let family move in. It never works out and only brings further problems to a relationship. Your husband imo is not much of a man. If he was he would have kicked em all out (in a nice way of course). He would have never let his mother come between the two of you. However, you are not innocent either. You allowed them to stay there as well and you as well as his mom put him in the middle of your squabbles. He was not man enuff to separate the two of you and lay down the law to you both. Then you left. For whatever reason you did it, this was absolutely the last straw for him. He obviously does not care enuff for you to do what it takes to keep you. IMO, you are better off without him. Sorry, I know its not what you want to hear.
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by mammo, Dec 02, 2010
I totally agree with the above post!  Leave him alone, let him think you are moving on, so long as he knows you will take him back at any moment he has no reason to reach out to you.  He's an adult and it will make him think...do I want my mother or my wife?  When you are totally out of his life, he will know what it's like to truly be without you.  Don't be too quick to respond to his emails or calls and always be very happy when you do speak to him. Not happy that you're talking to him, happy in your life. He is so sure of you right now, you need to pull the rug out from under him, give him a wake-up call.  You could even send him an email and tell him you understand, and wish him all the best.  You are moving on and hope he does the same. This will floor him!  If he still doesn't turn around, he and that nut case mother of his is not worth your time, you deserve better.  Keep us posted, and I wish you all the best.
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by anamikahelp, Dec 03, 2010
Thank you all for your supportive comments.  

@mandsmom:  There are no children involved which is a blessing, however, we were admist family planning and were almost there.  I was very vulnerable for the first three months and just tried anything and everything to beg him to come back.  Now, for the past month I have totally cut it off with him thinking the same - that he would realize and at least come talk to gradually make things better.  Instead, I received a legal notice saying he wants to formalize a separation agreement and apply for divorce.  What hurts me more is that he told me would work things out and he just needs time, but his family has influenced him so much and is 24/7 showing him negativity that he doesn't have the guts to stop them and say enough is enough.  In fact, his family is pressuring him to force me to sign the house to his name (cuz its under my name) and transfer all my bank accounts.   He said to me "you don't understand my priorities right now".   Basically, he is telling me that money top priority than his relationship.  We both are educated and make good money, so money was never an issue, but his parents are greedy and they always asked my parents for money behind his back, but he refuses to believe it.  I know I don't deserve a guy like that because every woman deserves a real MAN, but I love him and I know that if we two were together alone without family interference, we would be perfectly fine like we were before.  He always took care of me and pretty much worshiped the ground I walked on.  He is very laid back and I was always the decision maker because he wanted me to be happy, but that was all until the witch (his mother) came along and his other family members.

@teko: You're right, /I should not have let them move in, however, its part of my culture to live in a joint family.  I had agreed to share the responsibility of keeping his parents with his brother as long as we had no issues, but they forced me to live with all of them together even after all these problems started.  In fact, after the first few quarrels, I sat down nicely with his mother and him (separately) and explained to them that I don't think its right for all of us to live together when there are so many conflicts.  Especially, when it's ruining my relationship in my house.  His mother said to me "i don't care if you guys are happy or die, but I will live with both of my sons under one roof."  When I asked my husband about why its mandatory for us to live together and that we should be living separately (even if its the house next door), he blamed me for being a homebreaker.  In fact, to this day, his mother is going around telling people that I tried to break her house by separating her sons and that my parents broke my relationship because they took me home.  I didn't mention it before, but my parents took me home because I was in very bad health, mentally broken, and in a very bad state.  I have never been like that in my whole life and my parents saw right before his family moved in and how happy and proud we were of our married life and then they saw me a few months later in a state that no parent would imagine their daughter.  On top of that, my husband disrespected them and was so rude (he had never been like that).  

@mammo: I did try the emailing.  In fact, my last contact with him was emails.  I wrote to him that I can't sit here and wait forever because its making both of us and our families suffer.  I requested that we have a sit down meeting and decide how we should proceed. However, instead of acknowledging my request, he replied with nasty emails consisting of all these fabricated stories and pointing fingers at my character (which he knows very well are not true).   The funny thing is - all the things he has said to me out of anger are the same things that his parents said about my sister in law and her family.  The pattern for what happened with me is the same as what happened with my sister in law.  Mother in law came in and ruined the relationship.  The only difference is...my sister in law is sitting there going to a psychiatrist for three years and on depression pills because of her unhappy marriage, she has a child, and she lives in the same house with them and fights every day with her husband over her in-laws.  She was happier when she moved in with me because I showed her positiveness, but his family manipulated her into lying against me, too.  I think her husband threatened her because she told me the truth about how him and his mom were trying to turn my husband against me and I had told my husband.  She denied it obviously.  Anyhow, at the end of the day - that's one messed up family, but my husband was always good to me and I wish he had the inner power to realize that his mother is not his future, it's his wife.  I feel like I need to "save" him from his family's influence, but I have no control.  What makes it harder is that I am not even nearby (we're about 8 hour drive apart) that we could meet easily.  But, I think if there's a will there is a way.  When I first separated and came here we both spoke on the phone and I booked a flight the same night and was there the next morning to talk to him. It's not like we are living overseas or that we can't afford it.

I think I also have this fear that I won't find someone else who I can be happy with the way I was with him (minus his family).  Everyone that knew us used us as an example of true love and always talked about how marriages should be like ours.  We were best friends and always brought a smile to everyone's face.  My family loved him and his family was always kind to me too (until they moved in).  Some people who saw him the day I was leaving and his behavior were shocked and said that he looked "possessed" by someone or something because what he was doing was totally out of character.  All day and everyday for the past three months, my brain keeps reiterating what happened, and its just unbelievable.  I can't stop thinking about how he can be so brainwashed.

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by mammo, Dec 03, 2010
It still comes down to him choosing what he wants most and he has chosen mommy!  If they can sway him that easily, then he has bigger problems. When I suggested an email, it was not to sit down and talk with him, this is just telling him the door is still open.  You need to tell him you're over it and him, and ignore his rediculous requests. Don't put all the blame on your in-laws, he's a big boy and has a choice here. I hope you can move on because this is killing you!  Take back your power and keep your house and bank accounts, let mommy care for him.
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by pixie712, Dec 08, 2010
my husband and i was married,he moved us next door to his brother ,we started having problems,his sister in law and her daughters would come over when i was at work,if i was home they would treat me rude,my ex never would put a stop to it and i pack and left,it has been 5months he runs to the bars with his brother,my heart is mending,would i go back?no way if he can,t stand by his wife when he should then it is time to go on,
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by bubbahbigsis, Dec 21, 2010
i had the same kind of issues but with my mom. she would come to stay for a day and not leave for weeks. she never picked up after herself which caused fights with me and my husband. this went on for a year and at the time we were living in an apartment so we decided to stay with my cousin while we were looking for a house to save money well once we moved in there and my mom couldnt stay with us all the time she got mad and started saying he was cheating on me with my cousin and stuff. then my cousin started saying i was doing things behind his back. well we ended up seperating and getting a divorce. but after 2 years we decided that we still lvoed each other very much and wanted our family back together but this time with other poeple intefereing. we have been back together and things have been going great we dont let anyone else tell us how our relationship should be and its just us and out children we wont let anyone live with us so things dont start to happen again. while my mom hates the fact that we are back together and i dont need her help she makes her comments and such but i just let it go in one ear and out the other. she is my mom and i love her very much but i decided i needed to do what makes me happy and he makes me happy. so i hope your husband realizes what is happening before its to late.
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by Jaybay, Dec 26, 2010
Your husband has made his choice - rightly or wrongly.  Nothing you can do or say will change his mind.  His entire family is toxic and dysfunctional.  Even if they weren't living under your roof they would still cause plenty of trouble with phone calls and emails.  

It's a tragedy for both of you, but until your husband sees the truth, you're really better off being out of his life.  I wouldn't count on him ever recognizing how toxic his family is to his life - certainly not any time soon.  This is not a battle you can win.  What you CAN do is get legal help and make sure your MIL doesn't end up with control of your sharel of the marital assets.  It's time to start thinking about yourself now as you build a new life.  You've been traumatized enough.
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by SunShineToeS, Jan 09, 2011
Oh, anamika! Reading your story was like reading my own life there on the computer screen...Marriage is a life altering decision, but Divorce is a life devastating one...I know first hand.  Since my divorce, I have gone on, but I will never marry again.  I even made a website dedicated to helping others avoid such tribulation :) maybe you will find the information you need to get him back...God Bless