Mother in law ruined my marriage, how do I get my husband back!?
My husband and I have been married for three and half years. We became best friends prior to getting married and our marriage was very good since we shared such a good relationship. A few months ago my brother in law moved in with his wife. They have a very bad relationship and were always fighting and even beating each other. It ruined the peace in my house and my husband and I would spend more time fixing their fights or arguing over their problems, then taking care of ourselves. After that, my mother in law came. She was fine with me the previous two times she visited and stayed with us (always stayed like 3 months at a time), but this time, she totally changed on me. She manipulated my husband into believing that I was disheartening her and that I was not giving her respect. My husband was never home, so it was my word against hers. She would go through our stuff in our room when we both were at work and she would stand outside my bedroom and listen to our conversations. I caught her many times, but ignored. Finally, one day I told my husband and started fighting with me over it. Then, when he asked her, she denied it. After my mother in law left, she kept calling my husband when I wasn't around and feeding him negativity about me. She kept crying and doing drama that I hurt her feelings and that is why she left. I didn't understand what was going on because she never did that to me before. If you met her, you would think she's the nicest MIL in the world.
During all this my brother in law started putting negative thoughts in my husbands head, too. My sister in law told me one day that my mother in law and brother in law are trying to control my husband because he worships the ground I walk on and they don't like it. She also told me that her husband (my brother in law) has been trying to turn her against me so that we won't get a long. I didn't know how to react, so I just took it as information and ignored it. I figured if I don't get involved, then nothing will happen.
All this kept adding up and one day my husband and I got into a huge fight. His brother and mother had made up lies and totally provoked him against me. I told him it wasn't true and he didn't listen, so I walked out of the house.
A day later, we made up and he promised that he would take care of the issues his brother was causing. However, that lasted about a minute, because the second I entered the house again, his brother caused more problems. This time, the sister in law back-stabbed me too and lied that I said things which I didn't. My husband stood there against me with all of them and at that time I mentally broke down and decided that I needed to be separated. There were too many misunderstandings and my husband was not ready to listen. On top of that, his family was just lying left and right to make sure all their bull s*** gets covered up.
A lot of things went down...it was a nasty fight between both families. I also reacted out of anger and so did they. However, despite what he did and his family did, I still want to be with him. It's been three months that we have been separated and the other day he sent me a legal notice indicating there will be no reconciliation. He wants divorce. In the past three months, I have cried, I have begged, I even went to see him (we are long distance right now), I emailed him, I tried to have his friends and family talk to him - I mean..everything has been done from my side to reconcile even though I am not the root cause of this problem. His own family and friends told me that he is being an idiot and is wrong, but because he is so close to his family and blindly trusts them, he doesn't have the guts to stand up for what's right for him.
I am very heartbroken and hurt. I love him a lot and I know deep down he loves me too. But he doesn't have the courage to stand up for me against his family. His problem is not me at this point, his problem is that his family has a problem with me. I don't know what to do...I initially walked out to save myself mental torture (my sister in law is a mental depression patient and takes pills because of how my mother in law ruined her relationship with her husband), but this is not any better. I want my husband back, but he fails to see the truth. He fails to realize that we both were perfect before his family came. He is the kind of guy who couldn't even spend one hour without talking to me and now its been three months and he has had no heart to come and even give us a chance. He didn't even tell me he wanted divorce. He emailed it to me!
The worst is that he is doing all this because his family is forcing him to. So he's making himself believe all these lies about me and he wrote me nasty emails pointing fingers at my character and all these fabricated stories from what his mother and brother have told him. He has created this negative false image of me so that he could get through this. I don't know what to do. In our country mother in laws are a huge problem and they are known to brainwash their sons because of jealousy, ego, and wanting control. I would have never thought she was like that, but boy was a I wrong!
I don't know how to get through this. My husband refuses to talk to me, his family has forced him to cut off all contact with his friends and relatives, and his family also hasn't tried to resolve this.
I am also going through a similar situation. My MIL has a Green card and comes every 4 to 6 months and causes immense stress, pain and saddness. It's really hard. I am comtemplating a separation and am currently going through marriage therapy with an Indian psychologist.
I was the son of such a mother. I’m Sikh, and I will try to help you women as much as I can.
Let me be very clear, my mother, father and sister were worse then all of the stories posted here. As a man being asked, how could you not know, how could you not see etc. are all useless questions. You have to understand you that in these dysfunctional families, the boys are GROOMED into being subservient to their parents. You are groomed to believe that your happiness will ultimately lie in their happiness and getting what they want from you. As sick as this sounds, it is how such parents think.
People growing up in Western society are quick to judge with things such as, they’re not REAL men since they side with their families over their wives. This is completely the wrong way to look at the whole situation. The ultimate test of manhood in all of these families IS TO SIDE with your own family and not against a “new comer” in the fold, going against your family actually makes you less of a man as your giving in to your wife.
I was close to being married, separated(due to my family) and now remarried(which made me realize my families true colours)
These families are experts at manipulation because they know more about you then your own spouse, this is how they’re able to wrap the son around their own fingers. I don’t know how to help each and everyone one of you in your own situations but I will try to give you some tips:
A) Do not try to prolong the signs. If your noticing things your MIL/extended family are doing that are raising flags, address them right away. Please be calm, arguing only makes you fall into their warped version of who you are as a woman(controlling etc.)
B) If your already married, you cannot argue your way into making him realize whats wrong and whats right. What it will come down to is how committed you are to your spouse. You need to be calm, and tell them how much you love them, and your are putting up with all of this because you love them, and tell them the truth. Truly, one has to be persistent.
C) You cannot play games. They are already playing games, you need to remain focused, start gathering evidence, record them, write down instances, put pieces of the puzzle together for your spouse to see.
D) Reach out to the husbands EXTENDED family. That means 2nd or 3rd cousins, and try to get them on your side to reach your husband. Your husband is not going to be easy to reach with conversation. KEEP IN MIND YOUR THE ONLY WITNESS to the families wrongdoings. You need other people to confirm what you suspect, and extended family that knows the truth will be willing to help you out.
E) Do NOT engage in proving yourself through arguing or playing HARD TO GET. I came within HAIRS of marrying my now EX, and really it all fell apart by her trying to PROVE TO HERSELF, that I WOULD COME RUNNING AFTER HER. THIS WILL BACKFIRE/NOT WORK.
How do you expect a woman to continue to be committed and profess her love for you when clearly you have sided with your own family and she's alone in this fight for you. Do you know how incredibly hard that is? - it is humanly impossible.
Where is the validation and support from you stating that despite everything that is happening to her - you understand how hard that must be and that you love her - That she must stay strong because she untilately you are a family unit and that is what is important.
I feel like you are advising the women here to also be subservient to you. To be quiet and take the treatment and to patient. Do you know how incredibly hard that is to do???? What if you were in her shoes?
If your already married and your husband is still not seeing the light and still chooses to side with his own family over you, EVEN though you've told him all that you could to prove your point, your only option is to leave. He might not ever be able to see clearly.
I NEVER said that ultimately you are a family unit. Ultimately he has to be willing to leave his family for you. My explanation was to show how men in the situation are brought up to think. If your husband is a genuinely good guy, he should know that his family is wrong in someway. A man in the situation will need convincing that you will be with him if he was to leave his existing family. Arguing and shouting only makes a man think this fighting will only get worse if he was to leave.
If a man is MARRIED and this is occurring, he has to leave his existing family, period. If he does not, you will have to leave him. If you lay everything out clearly in front of him and he is still not willing to listen there is no hope. There is no way around this, its a sad reality of the situation.
Nazkh I feel like you took what I wrote and applied it to yourself in a non-helpful way. My point is to show that as a man in the equation, it is not as easy as you might think.
My wife never argued with me about my parents sociopathic behaviour, after seeing what they were doing with my own eyes did I realize who's right and who's wrong. And thats the only way I was able to take action. If your husband has seen the effects of MIL/FIL on your marriage and is still siding with his parents, you must leave the relationship.
Thank you for your honest and candid response. It is appreciated. Hearing the man's perspective is important. The problem is that no man who has been raised with the notion that "heaven lies at the feet of his mother" will give up his family. Neither is it fair for a man to choose between his wife and mother - he should have both in his life. What is sad is that men can't make the wife a priority in their lives - if they do this then it would be disrespecting their mothers or hurting them because they are then putting someone other than blood above them.
Sometimes all the women want is for their husband to recognize, validate and apologize for what has happened. If he does so, then the wife's task is to listen and take in the apology. I understand that the husband can't change what happened to his wife but he can tell her in a thoughtful way that he recognizes how it impacts her. It is up to both the wife and the husband to move forward.
It's a difficult situation for all us women out there. There are only 2 choices - 1) leave and fend for a life on your own raising kids without a full time father - which can be challenging in itself and damaging to the kids. The husband will likely move on and remarry a woman of his mother's choice here - and then again we would have to deal with their kids being with a step mother and the mother in law when there is vistation or joint custody with the father
2) Have the wife shut up and suffer in silence and just wait for the day that the in laws pass away - by that time the women will have spent most of their life suffering in silence.
As of right now I am choosing to do 2). My MIL will probably out-live me but having a father in my daughter's life is important to me. I don't want them raised in a dysfunctional family. I have to put my own suffering to the side and just plainly focus on my girls and their lives. Making sure that they get all the love and happiness from a mother. Live a love-less marriage to a mama's boy for the sake of the children.
To your first point, it would help if at least the FIL recognizes and tells his wife(MIL) or sets her straight to not interfere. In Sikh families, the only ones that have happy joint family situations is where the FIL lays down the law against the MIL. The only way MIL take so much control is when the FIL will not stand up for his son/daughter in law.
If the husband recognizes this he must take a stand. In my case, it only hit me how wrong my parents are, when I had my first born. From that day forward it would always hit me, would I do this to my own son? or if my wife was doing this to my son would I allow this to happen? If he is not asking himself these questions, I'm sorry but he is beyond convincing at this point.
Honestly, I dont see the benefits of staying in a marriage when the husband won't do something about the abuse at the hands of his mother. Do you really want your kids to repeat what happened with you? Its not fair to the kids to have them grow up in such a household either, what kind of impression are they getting about how to be in their own marriages? Your miserable, and your setting up your children to be miserable as well.
My advice is to first make sure how you can be financially supported, and if it is a liveable situation, to take your girls with you and separate, let some time pass and see if your husband comes around. If you are getting divorced, get every penny out of these people. This is the only thing that hurts these kinds of people, when they end up losing financially. Assuming you have daughters, with such a sociopathic and controlling MIL, I doubt she cares for the daughters anyway.
I don't have a FIL.He died of cancer several years ago when my husband was a teenager. My MIL is a widow which makes the situation even worse. My husband feels sorry for this woman - he thinks of the many sacrifices she has made and how he owes her his life and soul - he can't do anything to hurt this woman. She has only 2 sons and she is soooooooo possessive of them. She is only 66 years old but they treat her like she is 96 years old
As far as my husband is concerned - nothing works. Marriage therapy, talking, e-mails - nothing. He's been raised believing that honoring and respecting his mother is of utmost importance. His mother has more rights over him than his wife.
We don't fight - it's pointless. Your mother said this or that - makes no difference. It's pointless. It serves absolutely no purpose because he finds every excuse there is to defend his mothers actions. He is sooooo blind.
These people are honestly heartless - So religious but horrible people. I've been married now 14 years - The first 10 were horrible -deragatory comments - put downs, insults - my husband was a witness to many of these incidents. He made every excuse in the book for her. My mom was just surprised to see you wear Shalwar Suit - My mom is sensitive to smell etc etc.
My MIL has never said one good thing about me - NOT even congratulations on your baby - Or how are you doing?
She just arrived 2 days ago. I greeted her nicely - asked how she was and then it stops there. It's never reciprocated. She will never ask how I am or anything else. She treats me like I am beneath her - not worthy of talking. If you say anything to the husband - He will just defend her.
Even in front of my parents she made absolutely no effort to talk to me. She boycotted me the whole time. Complained about the food my parents cooked for her. We just keep quiet and take the higher moral ground and kept quiet. My husband saw everything but kept quiet. If my parents say anything to my husband about his mothers behavior - they all know that my husband will defend her at all costs.
My MIL arrived 2 days ago. So far she's ok with my kids so far. Complains that they are dark skinned and tries to put them down but kids are smart and they bounce back. As for myself, she completely ignores me - turns her back when she sees me. Pretends like I am invisible.
I think a separation would be the best thing for me. But above everything else I LOVE my girls. If we go through a separation, my husband will get joint custody and having this woman,(my MIL) alone with my kids poisoning them or having a step mother will be beyond painful.I can't bear a life where i don't see my girls every day - they are my heart and soul. This is the ONLY thing keeping me in this marriage. In the end as hard as it is for me, you have to take the highest moral ground. Be like a log in water just floating away - and just ignore all that is hurled at you.
Is it hard? ABSOLUTLEY - every minute of her being here is like an hour for me - time does not fly by. It's painful beyond words can describe. Having someone in the house absolutely HATES you and treats you like SH** is so incredibly hard.
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