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Moving on after 28 years
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Moving on after 28 years

My husband and I separated four weeks ago.  It was my decision as I hadn't been happy for a long time.  He does have control issues but is a good father and absolutely adored me.  I never felt like I loved him enough.  I am finding it so hard to cope and am scared, upset and feel lost.  Even though I know it is the right decision it is so painful and I wonder what the point of life really is.  I can't live with him but how do I live without him?  He's going to move back to NZ but I don't want him to because it's so final.  I miss the good times, although really there weren't that many of them, but I've known him most of my life.  I do have great friends but just feel lonely.  Anyone help?  Im sick of crying and feelinglost.
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i went thru a similar thing and was married that long also. maybe you should just not make anything final until you are apart for 3-6 months and see how you both feel. it is a tough thing especially after all the bonds you build after that long. stay in touch , Jim
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Avatar_f_tn
I know it hurts and you're going through a lot right now.  If you never really felt like you loved him or were happy, then you owe to yourself to find out what does make you happy.  Just take it slow and don't jump into any relationships or make other big decisions.  I was married (got divorced) and felt something like you do now.  I felt like something was missing and was never really happy.  I know marriage isn't always great but you definitely know when it's not right for you.  Maybe you need to be on your own for a while and figure out who you really are?  Just  thought.  I wish well.  Take care.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks for that Jim.  Did you and your wife get back together?  I really don't think we will because even though it hurts it was the right thing and we have separated before twice.  I just couldn't seem to shake that little voice inside and knew deep down that he wasn't right for me but couldn't bring myself to actually admit it.  I think I stayed because I was too scared to be on my own.
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Avatar_n_tn
I totally agree with you.  It would be so tempting to jump into another relationship.  Then I wouldn't have to think about myself!!!  I'm not ready anyway and know it would just do my head in.  How did you get on - did you find happiness?
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I understand completely what you are going thru.  My first marriage lasted almost 15 years & my second 10.  I have been married most of my adult life and spent almost 30 years taking care of others.  I always felt like something was missing.  I now know that the missing ingredient was that I was expecting someone else to love me and make me happy.  However, I have learned that I must love myself and make myself happy...it is my responsibility.  That is why I picked men that were totally wrong for me and expended tons of energy trying to make it work.
Deep down, I was always waiting for them to mess up...and they didn't disappoint me.  I disappointed myself.  Just don't jump into a relationship because you are lonely and don't go back because you are lonely.  I learned that with my first husband.  I went back for the children and within 2 weeks, he was already cheating on me again!  It is not worth putting yourself thru all that.
My second husband physically and sexually assaulted his daughter. I did not hesitate to put him out of the house and out of my life and would do it again in a second.
I use this forum to vent and to gain support and everybody here understands.  It is wonderful.  Reach out and find out what YOU need to make you happy.  I wish you well.
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes, I've found happiness. It sounds corny but it really does start with yourself and how you see your place in the world.  I like myself and in a way feel proud b/c I could have taken the easy way out a couple of times (marrying someone for security, suicide (yuck), addiction).  It took a while and I made a few wrong turns but you know you learn from everything that happens and there is nothing that I would take back at this point.  Actually all the bad **** can make you smarter.  We aren't born knowing everything and it takes a lifetime to learn just a fraction of what life is all about.  I got on by travelling and seeing how other cultures live, talking to people, allowing great girlfriends to be a part of my life, I've tried therapy and meds, and leaning on God (praying).  Also, on a weekly I started giving to a mission and certain charities b/c that will keep me from being too focused on myself.
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes my wife and i got back together several times. the last time she actually asked me to marry her again. i didn't react to that,guess i had no trust of her.last Jan we finally split for the last time and by early march she was engaged already and has recently married. I think she did it for security and i am not sure how happy she really is as she has said and done some things to me. She is full of anger and hate towards me now and i do not know why. At first i started dating alot,trying to fill that hole or get even with her. I finally realized that i wasn't ready and took care of myself. She continued up until the last weeks to contact me and say things. I believe she wanted me there for her own selfish needs. Recently i have met and am dating a great woman.Things are going well for us and i am taking it slow. My ex found out and blew up,including vulgar demeaning voice mails towards the lady i am seeing. Now she has gone total silent even informing me thru her old divorce lawyer not to contact her. I was very angry at that at first as i wasnt making contact. I have come to realize that she moved too fast and is probably second guessing herself and is not as happy as she claims to be. So the other poster are right,it takes time and to jump into a new relationship may feel good at the time it most likely won't hold water long. I am sure there are people out there who have had it work that way but the majority do not. just go slow,get to know yourself and let life come to you. jim
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Avatar_n_tn
I know exactly what you mean.  In spite of all the pain I do feel that I will get stronger, and am already feeling that.  I too have great friends, see a counsellor and pray and they all help.  It really is a case of walking through the pain, not around it.  My ex is still very angry and he is blaming me for everything, not taking responsibility for his part in anything.  It makes little difference what I say to him.  The problem is I have been his whole life and he has dressed up his controlling issues with caring too much but I just couldn't breathe.  I"m a recovering alcoholic (just celebrated my 12th birthday) and a lot of behaviours just became unacceptable to me.  I actually mowed the lawns today!  Wow, what a grown up I'm becoming!  Whenever I feel lonely or lost I know it will pass and I don't want to go back.  I may be 47 but sometimes I feel like I'm about five!  Like you say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I believe God does have a plan for me - I just wish he'd share it with me!!!!  I'm really pleased you have found happiness.  I look forward to finding the real me, whoever that might be, and learning to love myself.  Take care.
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Avatar_n_tn
Isn't it funny how we keep going for types who we know deep down are no good for us - our self-worth tells us that's what we deserve.  I've been told so many times that no one person can make us truly happy and yet that's always been my goal or expectation.  How could they though when I never loved myself?  Good luck with everything and thanks for your help.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks for your comments Jim.  I'm not going to rush into anything both for reasons of fear and self-preservation.  I really couldn't handle it!  Your ex has her own stuff to deal with and I wish her well.  I used to do things like that and it was because of my fear of abandonment.  Good luck with everything.
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi Teko.  We had already separated a couple of times and I don't think it is a phase.  If it was a recent thing then I'd have to question my hormone levels.  I haven't dumped him, that is really dramatic.  It was such a hard decision to make and I'm not living in a fairyland.  I don't want to date anyone for a long time.  It's not fair on my husband either because he deserves someone who can give him what he needs and deserves.  What is unfair is if I stayed with him and he wouldn't know whether he was coming or going, just like he has done for years.
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