My BF Dumped Me Recently

Hi all, I'm 37 and going thru a divorce and I have a son who'll be turning 5 very soon. I've been in an emotionally abusive realationship with my husband for almost 11 years now and my husband didn't want to divorce me. I'm heading for a complicating divorce.

Last year I met an amazing guy and fell in love with him. He's divorced and has a 10 year old daughter who is under the care of his ex-wife. We had a beautiful relationship together and we got along very well with each other. We always looked forward to meet each other, everytime.

But one thing is that, he is not financially stable even at his age of 48. So, I supported him financially for his child's maintenance and his daily expenses etc..At the very initial part of the relationship, he asked me for money to settle his child's maintenance which he had not been giving to his ex-wife. At the very first time, I was quite taken aback but still I gave him the money and this lead to the next and to the next. He would give me surprises sometimes by texting me that he needs $1000 or $2000 etc and it is usually urgent. Later, I found out that he loaned the money from loansharks and had to settle it urgently. I relented and lend him the money, one after another. Because of love, I was so blinded. I wanted to help him out of his dire situation so that he can have a fresh start. I was sincere.

Our relationship ended in the month of March 2010 on my birthday. We lasted 10 months only. We had a tiff on the phone and little did I know that that's going to be the end. And since then he didn't want to answer my calls but just responded to text messages. Finally, his last text message to me was April 15 2010. During this period he seeked forgiveness from me profusely for what he had done to me and begged me to forgive him. By then, I was already under depression as he left me suddenly by just dropping a bomb and I am down till now. He told me on the phone (he picked up my call; that's the last call) that his feeling towards me had suddenly changed and he didn't know why. I knew it was a lie and told him that he already have another girl. Of course, he denied that and said that he'd like to be left alone for a while.

I had spent a bomb on him. He promised me that as soon my divorce is final, he'd like to marry me and have a happy family together. He promised me the world on how much he adores me and wanted to spend the rest of my life with me. But now, I'm all alone picking up the shattered pieces.

And during this 10 months my 'husband' had chanced on us twice, however it was at public places. And just last week my 'husband' stole my ex-bf's photo from my purse. I am sooo doomed...!!

Tell me anyone, do you think my ex-bf will ever look up for me again? I believe his in love now as I saw he posted on his FB a love song. And it all said how much he can't leave without the other person. I'm pretty sure he's in high spirit. And I'm sure he does not feel a single hurt in his heart of leaving me just like that. But honestly, I love him with all my heart. I want to find that happiness in a marriage someday, and I thot my ex-bf was the one.

I read a lot on the internet to avoid calling, texting, emailing him for the first 4 weeks .... it's supposedly to be a reverse pyschology on the 'dumper' so that he'll come looking for me again soon. But, how is that possible, he has a new girl to fill his heart now. I am so dumped!!!

I'm grieving still though it is not as bad as it was at the initial point. Give me your advise. I'd like to hear from a male's point of view.

Thank you
Naive62

[mami1323]

Well I'm not a male but I can say you should hope and pray that he doesn't contact you again.  I hate for that to sound harsh but it seems to me that you are about to repeat some mistakes that you shouldn't need to.  No, he's not controlling and abusive but he is manipulative and insensitive.  You barely knew him and here you are helping him financially.  He was using you for what he could get from you.  You were his ATM and I can tell you how this will turn out if you did marry him, you would find yourself in debt and close to bankruptcy.  He would take as much money from you as he possibly could.  You would give and give until you were dry and he most likely would gamble your money away or spend it on himself.  You know how I know this?  Because my mom is the same way.  She's 61 and had herself a little young boy toy who took all her money.  She had no job and she still cosigned a car loan for him.  She gave him all that his heart desired and all he did was use her.  When she needed real emotions, they were nowhere to be found.  He called her when he wanted to and it was mostly when he needed her help or needed money.  She hasn't seen him in about a year because when she refused to help him buy the truck that she cosigned on and it got repossesed, he picked up and moved to Atlanta.  When Atlanta didn't pan out he started calling her again and has moved back and has yet to actually see her or contact her.  I'm sure when he needs something, he will be calling her up and sweet talking her again.  She goes up and down with her emotions and it's really sad.  Until you realize that you deserve better, then you will keep dating the same type of men who aren't worth your tears.  This man obviously has some serious issues and this break up should be the best thing that ever happened to you, but of course you can't see that now because you are hurting.  Once the hurt goes away, you will see clearly again.  He's now someone else's crutch.  Maybe this girl has more money that she can spend on him.  I think you jumped into a new relationship way too soon.  You are still trying to go through a horrible divorce and you were looking for someone to love.  So you really didn't have your eyes fully open on this one.  Could I suggest maybe some counseling, so you can work on getting back on your own and not feeling like you need someone to make you happy.  Plus, you will be able to see red flags and make better decisions on the men you choose.  Grieve the loss of this relationship and do your best to move forward.  Focus your energy on your child, your son is still quite young and do something nice for yourself.  I wish you the best.

[teko]

You have been sincere and no doubt in love with a loser. I hate to be the one to tell you this but this man was never in love with you, he was using you. He will probably let you sit and pine after him for awhile so he can go test other waters, then when the well dries up he will come sweet talking you and trying to get back into your pocketbook. You can never be too trusting. Can you run a background check on guys before you get involved too deep? I would highly suggest this to any female in the day and age we live in. I would be willing to bet that there is a long string of women before you that got took as well. I am so sorry for you, but please be more careful and dont let this pond scum back into your life. You can do soooo much better.

[Naive62]

Thank you for sharing with me. It is a very painful lesson for me. Now, my concern is that should I contact him to get my personal n valuable stuffs from him? Is it too early for me to text or email him? I'm really not sure... I'd also like him to pay off my money that he owes.

Shortly after the breakup I told him that I wanted him to sign the 'IOU' but he refused. I'd like to get my money back even though its in instalment. Should I get a lawyer to send him the IOU; if that's the only way to make him sign for it?

I really am in a dilemma. He's now in love with another girl and I don't want to be seen as needy and pinning for his love. Do you think its a rebound relationship for him?

I always asks this to myself; will he ever realised what he did to me; will he ever call me within the next months to come to say how sorry he was....etc. Sigh...

Deep down I still love him. I know I'm a fool for love.

[mami1323]

You're not a fool, you just have a kind heart and you were vulnerable.  Men like him can sense that and prey on women like you.  I would send him an email asking him to return your personal valuables to you.  Tell him that he can mail them to your home address.  Do not have him bring them by.  That will only hurt you to see him and can lead to conversations where he will suck you back in.  The reason why I say email is because you want a paper trail.  You want to show that he is withholding your personal property.  This way if you go to court you have evidence of communication.  As far as the money he owes you, well it's too late to get him to sign an IOU.  You should've done that when you gave him the money.  All you can do now is send him an email or do it within the same email asking for him to pay you the money he owes you.  What you want him to do is write back to you something like "well I can't get it to you now" or "I will pay you back", because that shows that he does owe you and he knows it.  If he responds with an "I don't know what money you're talking about?  I don't owe you anything", you will have to take this to court and prove to the judge that you did lend him money with the intent that you were going to get it back.  He will try and say it was a gift.  Make sure you print out bank statements showing the amount that you withdrew to give to him.  Hopefully it will be enough.  Verbal agreements are very tough but hopefully you will be able to prove that it was a loan.  You will have to take him to small claims court if he refuses to pay.  Be willing to negotiate with him a payment plan.  Tell him that he can give you like $50 each paycheck to pay you back.  Judges like to see that you were working with him to collect.  

As far as you being a rebound for him, well in my honest opinion I don't think he really will love anyone but himself.  He's probably got a history of using and abusing women.  This one will be no different.  I think this is his MO, he meets vulnerable, lonely women, who are probably coming out of a long term relationship or marriage and he sweet talks them and then starts taking them for what they have.  Even if he comes back and says he's sorry it won't be because he really means it, it will most likely be because he's looking for some financial help.

Take back your strength and don't let him take you for what you're worth.  You are a strong woman, just keep that in mind.