My Brother N Law is ruining my life

Hi, I need help !!!!!! my BIL has lived next to us for  year now and it has been a nightmare the entire time. we have been married for 16 yrs now with 3 kids. in the beginning his mom was the problem. many many yrs of problems. well he finally stepped up to her and now its his brother. i fought for many yrs to get things straight with her and do not have the strength nor the willingness to fight this one out that long.i have been fighting with him for a yr now and its not getting any better. i ask him to include me in decisions n respect me but my husband will not change . the latest thing is the worthless trouble making bil used my hubbys name when he got pulled over by the cops instead of his own because he would of been arrested for driving on a suspend license. this has been over a month ago n the bum still has not even given us the money for the attorney to represent my husband. he still does not have the money n court is this month. my husband still defends him n blames me for pushing.  i am at my end i can't take it anymore,i want to walk away because of the stress its putting my family in but i love my husband but doesn't know if his love is really true,he says it is but why doesn't he stand up for us. then to top it off i told him today i am leaving n he said i am crazy,thats why i m leaving because i am crazy. i know deep down that he can't love me the way he is supposed to or he wouldn't be letting this happen..... HELP

[AnnieBrooke]

You don't sound crazy, but you should think hard about how it will affect the kids if you leave.  Is counseling together a possibility, or do you think it is hopeless?

[Londres70]

Would your husband be willing to go to couples' therapy in regards to this?  

You aren't crazy dear.  It is clear your husband is placing full blame on you...now, that's crazy.  His family can do NO wrong in his eyes.  He is EVEN excusing the BIL's bad behavior.  

[specialmom]

Did your brother in law also have your husband's liscense?  I don't think you can just give a name can you??  You could give anyone's name then.  Was he also driving a car registered to your husband?  I'm just trying to understand.  To be honest, that doesn't make sense to me.  

You've had problems with his mother and now his brother.  Maybe not a wise choice to live right next door to him.  How did that come about?  

You really only give the one example and it is a bad one but something seems off with that---------  not sure the law works that way.  And for giving the wrong name ------  um, what were the repercussions for your brother in law?  

Just curious and trying to understand.  

I think in law issues to this magnitude are quite worrisome.  

[mimib1976]

Hi thanks for the post n trust me i do not want to live next to them at all. he did not have my husbands id and he was driving a company truck. he just told the cop he forgot his license at home and ave my hubbys name n birthdate. the cop did let him get away with it n gave him like 4 tickets that we have not been to court yet for but its this month. my husband didn't even want to go in court at first n let his brother take the blame,until he talked to the attorney thank god who talked him out of it he was gonna go in n say it was him that was pulled over. its very dysfunctional n my husband does not see that it.  

[mimib1976]

i don't think he will go to counseling, i want to try but then i read so many posts that counseling doesn't always help which i know that but most say counseling can make things worse but i have wanted to try at least.

[mimib1976]

thanks i just wish he could see where the blame really belongs but unfortunately i don't thinks its going to happen but i will try to discuss counseling

[teko]

Since the hubby has so much sympathy for his bro using his name and thinks you crazy cause you dont agree, maybe its time to keep your money, be broke and let your husband serve the sentence the court hands down, you keep your mouth shut and let it all play out. Im sure hubby will change his tune if he pays the consequences for his disrespectful brother. And if not, your hubby deserves every thing he gets imo.

[mimib1976]

no i do agree,for letting him go down for his brother because i think that may be the only way of waking him up,i just hope its not too late for us because i cant handle anymore of it. i am trying but its been a long road that he will not see or change. i just dont know how someone can let a family member ruin their lives like this, our marriage was already shaky but healing and then everytime we get better his broter takes us back down. his brother is no man n will not turn out to be a decent man thanks to my husband. and if my husband does go down for him whether its this time or next his brother will not step up n try to help with my family when he cant even take care of his own. I dont want to hurt my kids even more but i cant take anymore of the stress,dishonesty, and no loyalty to being a husband,father first before his dysfunctional family who are never here for him. my family may be dysfunctional as well but i can tell u they are there for him n always have been before his own. Thanks  

[specialmom]

Well, it's really hard that you live next door.  If you don't own and instead rent, I'd tell your husband that to stay together, you'd like to  move as soon as possible.  That it is just too much closeness (literally) and it is causing you emotional stress.  Then support his involvement with his family (sure, go visit them husband . . . .   I'll have dinner ready when you get home . . .. bye) but put up some emotional distance.  Try not to let it get so under your skin that the mere mention of their names, your blood starts to boil.  

If you want to marry, don't make it an absolute you or them decision for your husband.  Just distance yourself from it all as best you can even though it is maddening.  Your husband has to come to the conclusion about this himself for him to seperate and not feel like you made him do it and then resent you.

I hope it isn't a deal breaker for your marriage after all these years and three kids.  so, try to just seperate and do a mind game on yourself in which you tell yourself over and over, "they don't matter, they don't matter" and try to just remove yourself from it emotionally.  

Hard stuff and may not be accomplished, but worth a try to stay with your husband.  But moving sounds like a really good idea.  good luck

[mimib1976]

thanks, i am really trying to make sure i make the best decision. i would want to move and we r renting but i also get angry about that becasue i found the place n we were there first and it's the most perfect place for us but if i had to move to keep my family together i will, i just hate how my children and i are having to make sacrifices and changes for some scum bag that has caused us so much hurt . why do the bad come out on top ? sorry just frustrated but i know what i may have to do

[Londres70]

If you all move, I would make sure it was good and far away; so far his brother would have to travel by plane, train or bus to see your husband and visa versa.  

My first marriage was similiar to your present marriage; a meddling family.  I really think if we had put some distance between his family and us we would of had a change, but he refused to do this, so........I left.

Your BIL might be a "scum bag" but that's not the REAL issue.  The issue is with your husband ALLOWING this nonsense to happen and continue.  He can't change his brother, but he can change how he DEALS with his brother.  

[Londres70]

If you all move, I would make sure it was good and far away; so far his brother would have to travel by plane, train or bus to see your husband and visa versa.  

My first marriage was similiar to your present marriage; a meddling family.  I really think if we had put some distance between his family and us we would of had a change, but he refused to do this, so........I left.

Your BIL might be a "scum bag" but that's not the REAL issue.  The issue is with your husband ALLOWING this nonsense to happen and continue.  He can't change his brother, but he can change how he DEALS with his brother.  

[mimib1976]

no i most definately agree it is with how my husband treats the situation. i can only pray moving so far away from him is on our plans,sorry to hear u lost your marriage n i just hope to not lose mine but i am afraid its already happened but thanks

[disappointed812]

So your husband is allowing the points on his license and the raise in cost of insurance also?  I'm wondering why he's an enabler for his brother? Is he afraid of him physically or mentally-like does the bil 'know' something he will expose or is he bigger and theatening? Seems odd that your husband would be a push-over for no reason. He's not fulfilling your needs on many levels. I say it's time for some reverse psychology, but be prepared in case it backfires-it's the risk we take when we use that tactic! Let him know that he can go live next door! Reassure him that he needs his brother more than he needs you. And that you'll be glad to give his name and dob on the internet for anyone to use the next time they're pulled over. Report him to your insurance company anonymously? >>>>Call crime stopper and report the bil for fraud and filing a false report?<<<<< What about the company who owns the truck???? If you can't get anywhere by talking to your husband, then you're talking to the wrong pair of ears! You have options!