Been married for 7yrs. Got married at 19. Agreed to move to my SIL's basement apt to save some money and buy our own house. We both continue with school and working hard to save money. Turns out my husband is a mommy boy. For 5 years, his parents will come with their visa and stay at my SIL apartment (upstairs) for 6 months (each time). His mom MUST do the lunch and breakfast for him to take to work. One day my husband ask me if I was ok if she did the food for us and since I thought it was going to be for 6 months only I agreed (BIG MISTAKE). 2yrs ago my husband's brother got killed and the parents came and since stood here. My husband changed their visa to legal residents. She started the cooking and wanted to do the laundry, too!!! I said NO. Fights started, she said a wife comes a goes but a mother always stays. I don't blame her completely, I blame my husband for letting the situation got to a point where I can't even hear her voice. All she does is critique the way everyone leave. She stays at the windows watching who leaves and comes home. Leave the door open to know when we arrive. I went to counseling by myself because I thought I was doing something wrong. Turns out the counselor tells me I'm very brave for still being there. We have no kids. My husband barely speaks to me and when he does is because he wants to have sex or he needs something. We don't have daily couple talk. He doesn't call. His argument is that my family always asks me for money and they never there to help and they don't care about me. But, his family has money, but stays leaving together and fight all the time. I told him, with my family, we visit one day and we are gone. If we don't like something we just go. With your family there is a fight and 5mins later we need to suck it up and smile!!!! I tried to leave in 2 occasions but I chicken out because I TRULY LOVE HIM. However, I feel like my marriage is braking or is not fixable anymore. His mom uses her money and the apartment he has in his country to manipulate him and have something to talk about. She does the finances for him there. His terms, "That was mine before we married." True, however, why doesn't him manage it himself! Why her? We bought an apt there too (I was stupid enough to accepted it) and now guess what? She does the financing there too. I will be ok if she didn't leave with us. However, having to see her every day and see how much she can influence my husband with her critics really bothers me because is like he thinks as a "solo" not as a couple. I'm desperate and don't know what to do anymore. Should I just leave. I keep hoping this will change. He told me this year she will go back to her country and only come every 6months. But, I fear this will continue the same. We fight constantly for anything. It's like he doesn't have any patience anymore. PLEASE HELP!! Any advise?
I suppose that you know if you go, the mother will just shrug it off as confirmation of the "wives come and go but mothers are forever" adage she has said. If you do decide to go, be sure your husband understands it is because of the fact that his attachment to his mother for everything you think is important for a wife to do, has alienated you. Talk over the issue again with a counselor, and please in the meantime, don't get pregnant.
Dear Annie, thank you for your honest reply. YES, not kids - specially at this moment. I'm really trying my very best to save my marriage, but feel helpless sometimes. Although, I try to keep myself motivated thinking about the possitive things my husband has. Regarding the last part of your post, talking is an issue I'm having with him now more than ever. Since she is so near, he remains reading the newspaper or watching the game when he is around me and then goes up to his mom to chat, laugh and gossip around. If I try to start a conversation with him, he will talk but you don't see him too interested. He will give me the same answers and conclusions I hear his mom say to him. Is there any techniques I could try when talking? I'm really open to try anything that will be constructive at this point.
I guess you two could try a therapist or counselor together. But it really sounds like he is so checked out of the marriage that he's not likely to go. Maybe you could just quietly say some evening, "Honey, do you even want to still be married to me?" and be ready to hear what he says.
I was just reading Tracy Schorn on life married to a man who was cheating on her, and here's one of the things she said, "when I thought of leaving him, I saw it as they would win and I would lose. It took too long for it to dawn on me that I'd be much, much happier without this idiot in my life." If your husband doesn't talk to you and doesn't take evident pleasure in your company and only wants to be with you when he wants sex, that is not much to build happiness on. If you're staying because you are too stubborn to be supplanted, but he is emotionally outta there, you HAVE been supplanted. In other words, is the marriage in fact over? He's sure giving you signals that it is.
You know, I actually said to him not too long ago, "Why are you even with me?". I got up packed my stuff and left to a hotel. Stood there for a day. Next day he went and said, let's think like adults here. We are going to work something out. Let's finish the finals in school (We are both in college) and then we will talk without so much stress on. Well, I accepted. The talk never came. Last night we had a small argument and I said to him, stop critizing other people when you are in the same situation. You say your cousin is a mommy's boy. Your mom says he is, too. However, haven't you noticed you are just a replica? Where are we still leaving? Who does the breakfast and lunch for you everyday? Who manages your finances in your country? To this he reply, "It is very different, I work everyday. I pay my rent and don't ask anyone for money". I said, "That's correct. How about moving? Why haven't you do that? You're saying I'm wrong, why don't you prove me wrong? Let's move! Well, he got mad, slept on the sofa and today didn't take the juice I make for him for work. Let's see when we both return home what the wave will bring. Sorry to load on you, I just need to let this out right now. Thank you for replying back to me :)
I hope things will move forward for you. The two of you both sound quite young; fighting over whose breakfast he likes more and whether or not he will take the juice -- well those are not really the subject of the fight, they are little symbols, but you have to admit it sounds a little humorous to say "My marriage must be over! He did not take the orange juice!"
It really will come down to the need to have a calm conversation, possibly in the presence of a counselor, about whether or not you two are the adults he says you are, and what your plans are together as a couple, and if you two are both feeling happy and rewarded to be in the relationship to the point where "the man will leave his mother and the woman leave her home, they shall travel hand in hand until the two shall be as one." Maybe he is simply not ready to leave his mother even for the reward of being a grown-up in charge of his own life.
I hope you can get to a counselor together and have this conversation. You really need to go at it in a calm and problem-solving mode, not as an argument.
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