Divorce & Breakups Community
Need serious advice - can this marriage be saved?
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to divorce, breakups, anger, child custody, child support, conflict resolution, co-parenting, dating, depression, friends and family, legal, pets, property issues, remarriage, spousal support, and visitation.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Need serious advice - can this marriage be saved?

I have been married for 6 years to a man who is a lot older than me.  The age difference doesn't really bother me and we have two children together, ages 5 and 15 months.  We have some serious marital problems, and I want to get you guys' advice about my marriage because I am not sure whether to leave or not.

CONS:
1.  He won't keep a job.  He either gets fired from or quits every job he gets.  He can't stand to be criticized by a boss and will get mad and walk out if they do so.  He has no regard for our financial situation.  Recently, he quit a good-paying job (yes, right before the holidays) because the boss "disrespected" him without even consulting me.  Now, he won't find another one and he is planning on going back to school (he already has a bunch of degrees) so he won't have to work and is trying to get unemployment because they "harassed" him into quitting.  His solution to everything is just don't pay the bills, ruin our credit and get ME a better paying job.  He also blames me for his quitting this job b/c I got a raise at work but it wasn't as much as I thought it would be and he thinks I led him to believe I was getting more so he felt secure in quitting.

2.  He is verbally abusive at times.  He berates me and even has called names in the past though he doesn't do this so much anymore.  He does tell me and our children to shut up quite often.

3.  He is mean to our dog.  I know this may sound dumb, but anyone who is mean to animals can't be a good person.  The dog peed on the rug and he picked him up by the leg and threw him into the crate - he has hurt this dog on other occasions, I won't elaborate.

4.  He won't let me talk to my mother on the phone without it being recorded and him being there.  He thinks I'm being secretive otherwise.  Now, my mom did accuse him of abusing our kids and he is trying to protect himself but he forbade me even talking to her for a long time.  Haven't seen my mom in years and she lives about 3 hours away.

5.  He is not that good a father to our kids....he will put them in daycare at any chance, even though he's out of work he doesn't want them home "in his hair."  He puts the baby in the crib to cry instead of trying to comfort her.  I worry he might hurt her b/c his patience is terrible.

PROS:
1.  He can be an incredibly kind and loving person when he wants to be.  He knows how to charm me and the kids and we really do love him.

2.  I am afraid of being a single parent - this seems like the worst fate in the world to me - kids from a broken home, financial problems, loneliness, etc.

3.  I don't like change and have grown used to him, even his meanness.

So, what do you guys think and what would you do?
Related Discussions
4 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
That's sad.  You really only have 1 pro there because pt 2 is irrelevant as the sole support to the family now financially you are being a single parent anyway.  and pt 3 is a cop out.

5 cons to 1 pro which isn't even a pro sometimes he's nice etc. please.  He's abusive, disrepectful, mean, and doesn't know how to parent. AND WON'T LISTEN TO YOU.

He controls you - you can't talk to or see your mother??? She only lives three hours away for heaven's sake smarten up.  Controlling only leads to worse things leave his *** he is useless.  Point blank.

You have family to support you and you won't be alone.  Hell you already are by the looks of it in every way except you have a roomate and fellow adult to talk to although you seem to fear talking to him as well.  This is all signs of unhealthy from what you've revealed.  IMO it's only a matter of time before he seriously hurts you or one of your children or the dog.  What a sad excuse of a man.  I don't care how he feels about himself he needed to get help a long time ago and hasn't.  And just reading what you've written makes my blood boil.  

Get your children out of that situation.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
You have answered your own question. Get out before he hurts you and your kids. Anyone who hurts animals on purpose is a dangerous person.

I know you our frightened to be alone, but it may be better than what is coming.
Good Luck,

Dove
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I recommend reading Women who love too much.  Great book.  Its an older book but very helpful.  Personally I think you should get out of the relationship before you get hurt.  He shoulds like her could physically cause you or your kids harm.  Good luck.
Blank
177641_tn?1189759437
I think people who abuse animals have a poor ability to empathize with other beings, and thus will eventually abuse people. You can't be at home to watch over your kids all the time. And don't underestimate how well kids will keep a secret, especially if daddy tells them nobody will believe them or it will make mommy upset. Animal abuse is a HUGE dealbreaker for me; serial killers almost always have a history of abusing animals before they started abusing people (correct me someone if I'm wrong). Your kids will learn this behavior and model it. Even worse, they may start to take out their frustration from not getting attention from dad on animals and each other, because that is what they see from daddy (and how he interacts with mommy).

If you decide to divorce, talk to a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. Find out what your options are, and what's the smartest way to go about getting the support you need. Keep tax returns to show who's been supporting the family. I think many men will try to outsmart their wives and cheat them out of support (even details like who keeps the house). Watch out for that.

Finally, go to a payphone, call your mom, and tell her what you've told us. You're going to find that you have a LOT of support in a hurry. You won't be alone. But you will have to get used to not having a man around; don't mistake that comfort for feelings of regret. Always remind yourself that your safety and children's safety come first.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
You almost had me in tears, i dont want to sound to mean but i have to be blunt, THIS FOOL WILL EVENTUALLY SERIOUSLY HURT EITHER YOU, YOUR CHILDREN OR POSSIBLY A MEMBER OF YOUR EXTENDED FAMILY. you have a responsibility to your kids to get out now! What if he grabbed your 15 month old by the leg? Please dont be so naive and think "he would never do that!" because he would, and he will. How is he going to react when you tell him NO? when you make demands? when you demand to be able to talk to your mother in private? at some point he will become physical and once he does that he will continue to do so until your gone, HE IS PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY ABUSIVE, and very possessive, he believes you are his property. In addition to that hes a bum! dont let your kids grow up thinking that its ok to be this way get out before its too late.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Honey get out while you can while the childern are young , It will not get no better for you or your childern I went through the same thing you think he going to get better and he won't . Don't keep on letting this go , if he really loved you and the childern he would think about the family first before quiting a job a real man would not do such a thing knowing you are his only source of income. When you leave stay away from him seriously don't talk to him, don't see him he will act like a crazy person someone you don't know who keeps on making promises and won't keep them he will make your like a living hell be strong don't let your gard down go to your family they will be your best support system you can have. You have to stand up for yourself and for your kids because it will be a rough road  don't let him tell you I will be the only one that will be there for you because he is not there are other men out there but first get yourself together first before going down that road again.  You asked for advice and this is my thought on what you should do because I been there done it.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Thanks, everyone.  I have talked to lots of friends, family, you guys and you all say the same.  I am scared to leave but guess I will have to.  Thanks for listening.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Help me out here. I speak my mind. That's is the most pathetic post I have read in weeks. "I am scared to leave but guess I will have to." Well I suppose you could stay and be unhappy. Or you could leave him and see what a nice wonderful world it is out there. You can make you life whatever you want it to be. You could meet new people that are normal. You could be happy. My parents had a bad marriage and I suffered from that. It terrifed me to hear them fighting when I was a child.

Listen to me, a year ago I was in the same place you are now. Scared to leave because I had no idea how to start my life over. I thought I could fix the life I was in. I couldn't fix it because it was beyone repair. I could only start over. Just because it's the right thing to do doesn't make it easy to do.

You say you don't want to leave because your kids will come from a broken home. Let me clue you in on something. YOU AND YOUR KIDS ARE IN A BROKEN HOME.

God Bless,

Dove
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Sweetheart, I posted you on your other post telling why my posts to you were so harsh. It was to catch you attention. Believe it or not I sympathize with the position you are in. I wish there was something I could do to help you. For example if we were in the same city and went to a meeting for people with these kind of problems I would offer you a job. I'm in telephone sales and once you get the hang of it you can make a decent living. Take care of yourself and your kids.

Dove
Blank
346292_tn?1216418695
honestly ...i have to say you really need to get you and your kids out of there....because it usually starts with ppl hurting animals then going to him hurting you and / or your kids......i understand you dont want your kids to have a broken home but what is worse a broken home or them growing up seeing you ....or possible getting abused themselves ...you need to take action
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Hey, guys...thanks.  And thanks, Dove, for saying that about the job offer.  Actually, I have a J.D. (I'm an attorney but don't work as one - just licensed and looking for my 1st job) and I am working on my MBA.  I am searching for a good job but don't have a lot of confidence, which I am working on.  Thanks to everyone who has been there for me on these boards.  I have decided to LEAVE - I just am waiting for an opportune moment to do so while he is gone to avoid him blowing up & trying to hurt us but he doesn't work so it's hard.  I have family to help me get my stuff out.  I'm also going to get in a support group for verbally abused people.  I'm looking forward to working on myself and regaining some confidence.

Thanks again, guys!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
You know what, I am not posting here anymore.  I don't need this abuse from people I don't even know.  My story is completely true, don't like it - don't read it.  I have NO trouble standing up to anyone, except for an abusive man who has treated me like s*** for nearly 7 years now.  You don't have the first CLUE what I've gone through.  Maybe you will one day and then you will be able to sympathize.

Bye!!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Yes, I agree that something is amiss. She has no trouble to standing up to anyone but her abusive husband. Forgive me if I'm wrong but I feel sorry for the husband. Fear had no problem sending me a very nasty private e-mail.

Dove

Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I haven't even read the whole shabang cause its all long but i managed to read your rude and downright unnecessary comment to someone who was seeking help and advice. What ever gave you the right to stamp on this woman who is here for the same reason that you are?? Do you think that you are superior to her cause you have your own experiences? People like you are nothing but an annoyance and you know it. If you didn't want to help the woman then leave her alone!!!! Simple. You dont have to cuss her and call her pathetic. You are actually the pathetic one if you can not see when someone is reaching out for help and advice. You may not agree with her situation, may even have your opinion that she bought it on herself, but she did not ask that question did she. She asked simply if her marriage could be saved. Simple. You are ignorant, immature and cold hearted. I have no doubt you will reply with some sorry excuse for yourself but dont bother.....i wont waste my time reading it. Waste of Space silly person. Good luck Fear Facter. Not even read all of this forum but you just make sure you do what makes you and your kids happy and you will find the answers when your ready to find them.

Chantelle
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Ever heard of Karma!!!!! Hope it bites you on your ***. You should check yourself and your attitude. Treat peeps how you want to be treated. Waster!!
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Sounds like he has a bunch of issues he needs to work on, particularly with regards to his ability to take criticism, his anger and his controlling nature. Maybe while he's unemployed he could go to counselling, kill two birds with one stone!
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I was married to a man quite similar. Get out. I am happy everyday. I was unhappy for 15+ years. He will never change. You will live your life feeling bad about you because he will beat you down. Call your mother and go there for as long as you can. Believe in yourself. You will survive and pray to god for strength. He will help you through.
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Divorce & Breakups Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
The 3 Essentials to Ending Emotiona...
Sep 18 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating Control: How to St...
Aug 28 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Relationships Answerers
1268057_tn?1399131913
Blank
Londres70
France
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
TTinKKerBBell
CA