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Not sure where to turn...

The pain I feel is unbearable. I have been seeing the same person 5 years mostly consistent. we have broken up for two weeks at the most with out talking. The longest we were separated was around nine months, when I dated someone else. When I broke up with him to see someone else he came back in two weeks and I just dated two guys. We have been through illnesses and cheating. Family members dying. We have been building each other up and tearing one another down for years. The relationship was very codependent. The problem now is it is over and I feel as though I have lost a lover and my best friend. I feel as though someone has died very close to me. We broke up the day after Christmas and every day I have done something to make it worse. Previous times I have attempted suicide. That is awful, I am ashamed to admit that. I don't know how to turn off loving him. I sleep and dream that we are ok and I wake up to the opposite. He has me currently blocked from everything. The day after Christmas was a really bad fight we fought physically and he broke two phones with two year contracts in my name. He is the one with the car who was driving me to work. We lived together. Yesterday I found out that the waitress I was always worried that he would cheat on me for was talking to him. I didn't want to do anything about it, but I made everything worse. The waitress for the time being does not want to sleep with him, but I am sure they will patch things up.I have nearly lost my job because I have been too stressed to sit still in the call center where I work. I have isolated myself, partially because we were always together and there wasn't much need to spend time with a lot of other people and partially because all I want to talk about is this break up. I am in debt. I am heartbroken I am afraid of making things worse further. I cannot stand to think that he will be happier than me and I cannot figure out how to make myself happy. I need some guidance. I need to know how to pick up and keep going, because I am sure he is never coming back. I have acted so pathetically and crazy At this point he has told me that he hates me and hopes I die. I have said it to him. I know I don't mean it. I just know that it is over, and I don't know what to do next. Suggestions?
6 Comments Post a Comment
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3243092_tn?1354709067
I know you are in great pain but things will chneg for good.
Also, I am learning with time that we do not need anything external to be happy-be it person,thing or possessions.It is in our mind.

Take care of yourself.You have already taken the first step else you wouldnot be here discussing your issues.We all have been thru ups and downs;but still are here peaceful and happier.Do talk here and I hope you find your happy and healthy self soon.

I really feel that you should focus just on yourself and nobody else;
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Hi and welcome. From what i read, you broke up with him and he resents you now and says he hates you. So why did you break up with him if your feeling so bad about it? You seem like soul mates because of these mixed feelings you have.
Ive been through this also and lost contact with the girl 25 years ago. She broke up with me and i always thought about her for those 25 years. I did find  her on the internet and we have been text and phone friends for 2 years now.
One thing ive learned is that people come and go in our lives and sometimes it takes years of separation to see the real beauty that the 2 people could have had with eachother by comparing others to them.
If i were not married now i believe we would have a great relationship but am settling on a friendship relationship with her and it is comforting to know she is back in my life as a dear lost friend.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  You mention so much in your post and some that leads me to believe that it would so helpful for you to see a counselor.  You use the word codependent and that is indeed possible.  So now, it is hard for you to function without him.  You are obviously depressed and that is treatable.  I think this is the place to start.  Address any mental health concerns and work with a therapist to uncover why you were in that unhealthy relationship long term and how you can exist as a person on your own and still be happy and strong.  Please consider doing this soon.  good luck
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1268057_tn?1379102055
I would agree with SM.......seeking counseling would be ideal here.
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Avatar_f_tn
I went through the same thing counseling doesn help at least for me all u need is time before things get any better i haven't forgotten about him its been 4 yrs now I'm married pregnant n have a 1 yr old. Sometimes its jst best to move on
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree counseling would be helpful.  You want to learn and understand why You "want" to be in such an unhealthy relationship - so that You will make a better future CHOICE.  Love is not supposed to be painful - You can CHOOSE to love People who don't hurt You.  

It's okay to love Children unconditionally, but We should love adults on condition how They treat Us.
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