Overbearing Girlfriend

Hello,

I have a young child with a man; we were never married. He has a girlfriend who tells me that she is my child's mother. She also tells my child to call her "Ma Ma."  She has also called me Bit*ch and hoes in front of my child. I discussed this with the father, he agrees with the girlfriend that she is a mother to my child.  I am a very involved and great mother, and I am highly offended by this.  I think the word "Mommy" is reserved for me.  I also feel since my child is very young, it could confuse the child.  Am I making too much out of this?

[specialmom]

Oh, that would hurt very badly.  I would take offense to that and feel the pain of someone calling me names in front of my child (realizing that they are poisonous in general regarding me and will work to undermine my relationship with my kiddo) and it would hurt to have someone insinuate in and make my child call them mama.

Do you have primary custody or joint custody?  

Honestly, in this situation----  in front of your child, always take the high road and do not bad mouth them or contradict them by saying "OH< she is NOT your mother."  Then you really have a situation in which a little one is caught between feuding adults.  

I would think about what you can present and get a reasonable response.  Example, I think you could say to your ex in a polite way "listen, I think it is going to make our child sad if I'm called names by you or your girlfriend.  I want my child to respect me and you both and that will lead to them not doing so.  So, if we could not do that, I'd so appreciate it as it is in the best interest of our kid."  

Start there.  The mama thing is harder.  That you will have less say over and is less damaging than the name calling stuff.  Your little child knows you are mom, right?  You are there and have a great relationship and just keep that going.  In your child's heart, he/she will know that you are the mommy.  

In truth, you do want your child to have a very good relationship with all adults in his/her life.  That includes the woman in your ex's life.  It would hurt my feelings if my toddler called someone else mama, but I would also be happy if my child loved the other woman as that is best for my child.  It stings a little (or a lot)-------  but you want a good relationship between your child and ALL adults they are in contact with.  (but I know it hurts).

My heart goes out to you.  Keep in touch.  

[mammo]

I agree with specialmom, this is all about the child's well-being.  Your child knows who mommy is and he isn't calling her this but rather Ma Ma.  I know it hurts but if she is good to your child then that's what matters most.  But the name calling has got to stop, no if's, ands or buts about it!  This is not healthy for your child nor is it setting a good example for your child.  I also don't feel the adults should ever tell your child what to call the girlfriend unless the child asks and then they should ask "'what would you like to call me/her"?.  But this is only a girlfriend and not being married is not a healthy environment for your child either.  I would talk to your ex and explain some things to him and if nothing changes then I'd get child protection services involved because no child should have to endure hearing their mother called names.  I hope this helps and wish you all the best.

[Londres70]

This doesn't sound like a situation where CPS should be involved; definitely sounds like a situation where the gf and you should try to be civil in front of the child.  I think ugly words are being exchanged in front of the child between you two.  I can't imagine someone just calling you a "*****" or "hoe" without provocation.  Did you say something nasty to her first?  Did you both get into an argument and then she said this?  

You KNOW that you are the child's mother and that is the MOST important thing, not the child calling the gf "Ma Ma."  Perhaps the child does this because he/she is spending more time with the ex and gf than you.  I am not sure about your custody situation.  I wouldn't make a whole lot of drama out the "Ma Ma" situation.  May I ask, what does your child call you?  

You both (you and the gf) need to get along for the child's sake.  If you all can' do that, I would recommend you both DON'T deal with each and have the ex only deal with you in regards to your child together.  

[Londres70]

Can' is supposed to be can't.......my typing; geez

[brownhair30]

It was at a custody exchange, and I didn't say anyhting to her. Even after she called me those names, I still didn't curse at her. My concern is that my child is very young and can get confused. My child calls my Ma Ma or mommy.  But it is more than my child calling her Ma Ma. This girl (I cannot call her a woman) tells me that she is my child's mother.  And as far as my child's father and I just talking. The GF is constantly in the background making comments, calling me a Bi*ch or telling him to hang up on "That Bi*ch."  He hangs up on me.  She is too involved. I feel like when my child gets older, she and the father will say many bad lies about me.

[brownhair30]

I meant my child call me mommy or Ma Ma

[Londres70]

Well, this gf can say she is the mother all she wants, but that doesn't make it true.  I wouldn't be putting all the blame on the gf as your bf is NOT doing too much to end all this nonsense.  Plus, he is just as disrespectful.  Will agree with you the situation can be ABSOLUTELY confusing to a child and it is unfortunate he/she has to be subjected to this.  

Unfortunately you really don't have any control over this (the name calling and her telling you that she is the mother).  Just spend good quality time with your child when you have him/her and he/she will remember that.  

This ex bf is treating you awful and doesn't seem to think much of you if he is allowing all this.  I would recommend you choosing better partners in the future.  

Plus, I saw in another post you are now pregnant again and also have another child with another man.  You have definitely got your hands full.  

All the best.  

[specialmom]

That is really unfortunate.  I'm sorry about that.

We can only hope and pray that he and she break up and he goes on to find a nice and stable woman.  Many step situations work out well and many a woman wants to do the right thing by a child.  Your ex just so happens (it sounds like) not be that kind of person but rather immature and not seeing the big picture.  You three will have to coexist---  and makig it peaceful is the goal.

Ugh.

You mention in another post about a family law attorney that you've used.  I honestly would speak to him about this situation.  Just for some guidance about what he has seen work in these situations and what hasn't worked.  I'd try to maintain as much custody of your child yourself.  I'd try to talk to the two of them----------  and just say "hey, we are all wanting to do the best thing for X (child).  I really don't want to fight with the two of you and worry about X seeing us not get along.  What can I do to make things better?"  When you ask a question like that and present it that way----  maybe at least one of them will open their heart and mind a bit to trying to work with you a bit more.  

Otherwise, you'll have to minimize them as much as possible.  
does that make sense?

[brownhair30]

Yes. Thank You so much for your non-judgemental advice. Thank the other women on here (WHO WERE NOT JUDGEMENTAL).  I have tried talking to them, but it does not work.  I try to humble myself and just spend time with my child.  We are still in the middle of a custody battle, so my attorney does know what is going on, and we will present this. Again, Thank You so much!

[brownhair30]

I know when I post things, I will get all types of responses. However, I feel like you are a little hostile and judgemental towards me. Remember, NO ONE IS PERFECT. Yes, I did not make the best decisions all ways, but I am a good person and mother. I am not sure why you would discuss anything in this forum about what I post on another forum.  Yes, my hands are full, but I am a strong woman and come from a long line of strong females. I am sure you are not perfect either. If you cannot stop assuming or being judgemental, please stop responding to my posts. Thank You.

[Londres70]

So sorry you felt I was being "judgemental" or "hostile" when in fact I was trying to be empathetic to the fact you have alot to deal with.  I don't know you to "judge" you as you don't know me.  I was merely responding to the tidbits of info you have given about your situation.  Never said anything about me being "perfect" or that you need to be "perfect."  It is obviously NO ONE is perfect. This is an open, public forum and you can take what you find useful and leave the rest.  That's up to you.  

Hope things work out for you in the end.  

[specialmom]

I just must comment here that I do believe all who have posted here did so in an effort to help.  I think if we try to remember that, we can think about what someone has written and see if any of it can be useful to our situation.  Some of my biggest 'ah ha' moments came in ways I didn't expect.  So, just know that in my heart of hearts, I believe everyone here means only to help.