Please help me,getting very depressed,do not want to separate from my husband

Hi,

I tend to get devasted continuously for the last many years over my husband not wanting me and repeatedly seeking divorce citing our bad quarrels.I get totally devasted and life stops for me.I feel somehow I have to talk to him and just request him to support me in starting a happy life fresh and not unwanting me again.But today I feel so weak and devastated.My parents and siblings are greatly being devasted by my depression and foremost by desire to be with my husband and not things be over finally between us. often feel like parents are for a lifetime so is the relation with my husband.

I am from *****.I met my husband  at the age of **in college.He propesed me and said would marry me.But soon after we started quarreling over issues like he wanting to drink more and be with his friends.And he started lying to me.Based on my culture and young mind then ,I did not know anything like breaking up, I thought this is for a life time, and however bad he is I should be with him.I got so depressed from then only that I used to shout like maniac.
In two years time while graduating,he lied to me for something .That was the limit, i HAD SEEN HIM AVOIDING AND IGNORING ME ALWAYS and now lying to me was too much to bear.I asked him to marry me as I really wanted to know if he was fooling around with me.In sometime he  did agree and we got married at the age of 21.Fights continued and parents got to know about it when we were graduating and that too in a very bad manner.
My family got us married socially but his parents were not that much in support for us.All were scared.Especially my husband was always against me.Quarrels never stopped.This went for another one and half year and after a bad quarrel he left me.I was devastated totally but somehow my parents supported me.Initially there family asked for divorce but may be because I pleaded with them they did not send a divorce paper.For 4 years he did not contact me.I kept on blaming myself that all because I am very ill tempered he had to leave me .But often wondered did he never see at the same time I really always wanted to be with him and always was there in all situation.After 4 years I myself asked him to finally separate as he would not contact me..In these 4 years he was free enough to talk to all his colleagues and school girl friends.Whereas I was too devastated to ever think of life beside him.Only when he did not contact me for a long time I had thought that I would start my life fresh.But again after 1 year old drama he agreed to be back with me on the condition that I have CHANGED .This was very sad.Why did I have to change.Yet we came back together.Lived for another 2 and half years till date.There were enough number of quarrels over the same issue.Over his drinking etc.....But now again he is adamant he does not want to be with me.He says,I fooled him,convinced him to be with him......This is all sick.His family is also supporting him to separate from me.Though I have written a letter to his uncle that I cannot take this injustice anymore.Why have I been left three times and now he wants to leave citing quarrels as reason.I am not a commodity.My husband is so adamant he does not talk to me properly, he insults me on phone.I love him and want to spend my life with him.I told him that my only fault is I am very short tempered but I do take care of him otherwise.But nothing goes into his head again.I feel very depressed.It has been 11 years now.And I will not be able take all this separation **** again.Especially with the thought that it is my quarrel because of which we are separating.I just want him to accept me as his wife with dignity and acceptance and stop treating me like a peiece of cloth that can be changed.I have left my job am back with my parents now.Not able to study or do anything now.

[AshD26]

And no should never change who you are!!!!! Ever!! Yes with marriage comes sacrifice, big difference. There are a few things that each person has to move around, but it's just to adapt to each others life style. The one you deserve is out there. Don't hold back. Don't waist anymore valuable time.

[AshD26]

I know what your going through. My first husband and I didn't even make it to our first year anniversary before he kicked me and my son out. I thought we had the perfect marriage. He had me fooled. He was seeing another girl practically the whole time. I came home one day and with the most fearless look in his eyes he said he wanted a divorce. I was devastated, more or less shocked!! We never argued, I thought it was perfect. Meanwhile we just purchased a house together two weeks prior to him telling me this. The entire day I tried reasoning with him. " please tell me what I did wrong and I will fix it". He wouldn't even speak to me. I was out on my own,no Job no money. I had nothing. He didn't care as long as I was out. He wouldn't even answer my calls to just give me some closer. So I moved in with my mother, I sat around for a month waiting for someone to rescue me. The only time I saw him was when we signed our Divorce papers. He had no mercy. I was so depressed that I couldn't even change my sons diapers. I had to make the hardest decision a mother had to make. I sent my son off the be with his grandparents. I was in no position to take care of him the way that he deserved. I couldn't even pick myself up off the floor. Then I realized that it was time to get it together I sold everything valuable just so I could buy a car. I worked nights at a bar, very long hours. I came to the realization that I will never sell my self short for someone who would never do the same for me. I could have taken him for everything he was worth in court, but in the end it was doing me no favors. Just holding a grudge and keeping me from moving on. I saw his true colors, he had a silver mouth. The entire situation turned my world upside down for a while. It took a lot to pick up the broken pieces HE left behind. Now I have met the man of my dreams. Good things come to those who wait. Keep your chin up. Never ever settle.

[eternity1234]

Thank you for sharing your life with me. I just want to see the reality clearly and have the courage to face it.Today I just feel crazy and totally broken.

[AshD26]

I know. There is no worse feeling than being broken. Or loving someone and not getting the same back. It's terrifieing. Don't be to proud to talk. This web sight is a great step for you. Take care of YOU!!

[eternity1234]

I this time am trying to move on out of the dirt.But I feel very guilty and keep wondering that myhusband will go back to taking excessive drinking and weed smoking in the company of his idiotic friends andcolleagues.I know it is entirely his deccision but atleast whever I wasthere with him he never did these in front of me.Thta must have been some relief to him.Ifeel I should write to his family that he does notresort to all this again as I am not there and he does not want me there.

Can you suggest what should I do?If this doesnot go out of my mind I will not be able to come out of this.I feel guilty and helpless in helping him out.However angry I feel by his behaviour nowtowards me.

[AshD26]

Ok. If he doesn't want to be with you then he doesn't. You can't force it. Take this as a lesson and learn from it. All we can do is grow from our situations in life, good or bad. He on the other hand is NOT someone you should be worried about. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Your not the one giving up on your promise. To me that's what marriage is, a promise. I take marriage very seriously and believe in what it represents. He is grown. He will make his own decions and can take care of himself. If drinking and drugs is what he wants, those are his choices, his deamans not yours. He is choosing to let you go, so don't waist your life on someone who is ABVIOUSLY not willing to do for you. You only have one life, live it. As far as is parents go, what are you wanting to say in this letter?

[AshD26]

And no should never change who you are!!!!! Ever!! Yes with marriage comes sacrifice, big difference. There are a few things that each person has to move around, but it's just to adapt to each others life style. The one you deserve is out there. Don't hold back. Don't waist anymore valuable time.

[eternity1234]

I just wanted to write to his parents that irrespective of whatever they think about me;do devote some time to their son.

He will perhaps get rid of me again as I am not strong enough to make him see the nonsense he is doing again to me.

Each of the last two times when I was not there with him right from college he resorted to drugs and drinks with new and old fools from our college.
But his parents did not know about this.
I just want them to bond with him and see his depression ,why he is resorting to all this again and again.Why does he need to run after earning money at the expense of his character.If his mother and sister really love him by the way they try to show him I am not good for him, they should also take care of him thoroughly.They did not .And my husband is smart enough not to let hem know whats happening in his personal life  as his family lives in different city. He just shows his best face to his family.Till he was in school with them,he was obviously no doing much nonsense.It is ok if he doesot want me; but he should be fine.
I just wanted to share one thing, there are many things I just cannot write hereI realize I fought terribly with him all because he did terrible things to me.And not that I was mean.It has been an ordeal of many years now.And my anger was based on that.But I just felt he would understand as we truly are family like my sister and brother.I was wrong.he cuts me off like some use and throw thing.If I was bad to him just in quarrels he very much was involved in it.
I want this dirty cycle to end.I have to fogive myself and move on.I am not able to do anything.
You can very well understand my desparation, I keep on cheking internet for some answers because I tense my paents by talking about it. They ay things will be fine , just to have patience.

[AshD26]

Well depression is nothing to be ashamed of, but, it's also very serious and can get very bad if it's un treated. There are all types of things that you can take just to get you out of this hole. You won't feel so hopeless and thinking that everything is your fault. You should talk to your doctor or find a counselor to talk to. Some people just can't pull through on there own. I take celexa, I suffered from postpartum depression. There is also a thing called circumstantial depression. When things get bad we tend to break down. As far as your fights, we all say and do bad things when we are mad. That's nothing to beat yourself up over. About your husbands family, the truth will come out in the wash, it always does. His family will find out sooner or later. You don't need to involve yourself in that it add anymore stress. Those are his issues. Your going to just have to step back and let him figure this out on his own. You can't make any one do anything they don't want too. Work on you and move on.

[eternity1234]

i have written a letter to him again,citing the last quarrel and the fear behind my dirty behaviour in our last quarrel.I told him I want to spend the rest of life with him happily.I just hope he is a genuine person and things start in a healthy manner.

[eternity1234]

pray for me.I have very nicely come to know that life is not a fairy tale.But just waitng for my share of happiness.Its been long time I have been mixed with all this.
I really feel,any two people are compatible with each other ,just that they have to care for each other.I hope we get to see the daylight  after the long darkness in my case with my husband.Ofcourse if he is determined not to be with me,nothing chnages.Just hoping for the best.
Have to start my studies for further career options .
Thanks for listening to me.How strange  and comforting it is ,talking to some person ,so freely ,in some part of the world and sharing your problem.The wolrd really seems to be a small and happy place.Just that internet is virtual.Anyways prayers are for real whether in a real or virtual world.

[eternity1234]

no positive reply from his side.
His family also seems to support him in accpeting that he is the one is the tortured lot,so is right in abandoning the marraige.I apologied to him and asked for another chnace but he would not listen.
His uncle's response to my email was that of indifference and mistrust,though I replied back asking them to bond well and take care of husband so that he does not resort to excessive drinking and drugs(though they think I am faking in telling all this).
I feel greatly hurt on having to prove myself again and again in life to him and feeling that am always at fault.
Have stopped conatcting him finally 2 days back(this drama of separation started a month back when we had the fight).
Its is his birthday on december 21st.Should I approach him then or move ahead with my life.Guys I know I am short tempered and shout like maniac but am not dishonest.He ahs hurt me immensely but I never thought of leaving ;but now all this is taking its toll negatively on me.
I am starting my stuides today and working on reducing on weight to become fit not for 'Beauty enhance ment'........
ANy opinion, suggestions,.....family wnats me to move on and leave everything on God......

[mariascott]

Hello,

I am Maria Scott from USA,

when I was going to this whole divorce stress, http://www.edivorcepapers.com/ website was helped me for

[eternity1234]

Good wishes to you  on your marraige.

I would rather have a genuine relation if it is to happen else am fine and moving ahead with life.

By the way when the spell is over what do you plan to do......I suggest you mind your life and nor marry someone whu dumped you through magic..you do not deserve this...nobody does...

[eternity1234]

He called today finally and asked for initiating the  divorce proceedings.
I said Yes.Finally feelin so low, 11 years ordeal coming to an end.He just had no feelings.I did not fight.All time low!!!!

[TTinKKerBBell]

I am SO sorry that You have been SO hurt and that You are feeling SO low right now.  I've been reading Your posts here for a while and I fail to understand "why" You feel SO much love for SomeOne who does not return it, and SomeOne who also makes You feel SO bad.  I totally understand that when We marry We mean for it to last Forever, but when/if We marry the wrong person, I don't think that means We're supposed to spend the rest of our lives unhappy and in misery.  You haven't liked His drinking and drugging - that is NOT unreasonable of You and that does NOT make YOU wrong!!  Love is NOT supposed to be hurtful.  It is supposed to be "kind" and "giving" and "loving" and "caring".  Often We DO fall in love with the wrong Person.  I think You should quit blaming YourSelf so much and realize that He has BIG shortcomings.  Love, Kindness, Caring, Devotion, etc., etc., is NOT supposed to be one-sided and when it is.....well, then, it's wrong....We've made a mistake.  No one is perfect  - It's okay if You made a mistake, but realize, PLEASE realize - there is a better Life for You with SomeOne who loves You as GREATLY as You Love Him.
All that I've said here doesn't mean that I don't understand Your pain.  I've lost in Love too, with a man(?) I stayed with for 15 YEARS!! and had 3 Children with. There are no words in my vocabulary to describe the pain I went through!!   I thought I was going to DIE!! from the Grief and the Pain - ........BUT I did not!!, I did NOT die!!,  and today, I HAVE GENUINE LOVE AND I AM THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WHOLE USA!!

So, Go Forward, Believe In YourSelf, Know That You Are Good And Good Things Will Happen.  This I Know Is True!!

[eternity1234]

Thank you so muck Tinker bell!!!This was the best reply I have recieved wherever;
My family seems to be very sad and for them I am all set to be more strong,just that I feel so weak today.
Like you said,I too want to be in the brigade of the happesot people;and I will try my best.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Know that my heart is heavy for You.  I understand Your sadness and I understand that You feel weak - but You're NOT, You're REALLY, REALLY not.
I thought the same of myself in my 1st Marriage for 15 years.  Long, long story short: I stopped BEING a "victim" when I no longer "saw" myself as a victim.  When You realize You don't "deserve" to be treated that way, You become stronger.

What Marriage is NOT:  It is not 2 perfect People who celebrate that perfection the rest of their lives.  What it IS, is two People who are Imperfect, who have Suffered in one way or another (as we all do), and who, if they are Very Lucky and Work Very hard at it, can sometimes Heal Each Other.  When They do, They are right to call it True Love.  This I know is true.  This is what I have today.

My personal feeling, based on my own experience, causes me to feel this has become an "obsessive" Love in the sense that You have spent 9 YEARS(!!) trying to undo what can't be undone!!  Letting go of an obsessive Love is never painless, but the sooner You do it, the sooner You can start healing. (besides, obsessions cause headaches, anxiety, gray hair and wrinkles) - (a little humor,I hope?)

Seriously though, We walk away from People who cause us pain - but not our Husbands - Our HUSBAND!!  the ONE Person We trust, beyond all Others, to treasure us - not hurt us!!!!

Real, Long Term Love is Wonderful!!  There may be spats and there may be annoyances but there is never HURTFUL things done or said.  If You find YourSelf constantly in pain, turmoil, anguish, then it's not Real Love - it's obsessive Love.  Pain, Turmoil, Anguish, Agony, Torture, Sleepless Nights, Tears, Confusion, Anger, Self-Doubt, Anxiety - these are words that are supposed to be in novels - they shouldn't be used to descibe our Marriages!!

It's a long path but it's do-able and You will feel SO much better about YourSelf.  You haven't "wasted" 9 years - You've learned a lot about values and standards and character, etc., things that You will take with You as You move forward and You will make better future choices.  Love IS a Choice.  We CHOOSE our Partners.  Good Men are much easier to Love - We don't have to obsess over Good Men.  Take the time to CHOOSE wisely.  God Created Dating So That A Woman Could Discover The Bad News About A Man Before She Marries Him, Not After.

I Wish You The Best.
LeeAnn

[eternity1234]

Thank you Leean:

I really appreciate your kind words:
What Marriage is NOT:  It is not 2 perfect People who celebrate that perfection the rest of their lives.  What it IS, is two People who are Imperfect, who have Suffered in one way or another (as we all do), and who, if they are Very Lucky and Work Very hard at it, can sometimes Heal Each Other.  When They do, They are right to call it True Love.  This I know is true.  This is what I have today.

I agree to what you said about ,this being like obssession and addiction;I tell this to myself;But as long as he was accepting it around three months back that we will work thinks out,  felt we would help each other overcome this phase;but he rather chose not to stay any more;and I found myself again nowhere;yes i begged for another one and half month,but day before yesterday when he called,I was peaceful and accepted the divorce;I had also apoligized about everything I did bad in terms of my bad temper and wished him good and left it on him to decide what he finally wanted(it was two days before he called) and told him it was upto him to see his faults,no blam game drama and why had I been so upset ;he perhaps did not believe me;he just wanted out again;I accepted and am taking this like an addiction of mine which was never healthy for me or him or anybody;sometimes like today again,i was wild with anger,felt so cheated,like he had been on it since long;but guess i should stop vitimising myself and move aheadlooking forward to a healthy life;
Yes,I have learnt from a teenager to woman of 29,it has been long and very painful;
I am looking forward to happy and healthy choicices in future;and not particularly aiming at just getting married but having a healthy life;if I blessed like you were to have a wonderful companion again;i will be glad and more than thankful to god;
For now,the challenge is to forget the past without anger and guilt and work practically towards becoming stable;

Thank you so much!!!!
God bless you and your family!!
Take care.

[eternity1234]

This might sound stupid,but I really needed to know before I will be able to visit my doctor in 3 weeks time;

We have been separated for 2 months now;going to be divorced; do not remeber when we last had our physical contact ,may be 2 weeks before we separated.so thats make it before 2 aand half months.

Prior to the separatio,we had thought fo having a child;on my failing to get my periods ,I got to know that its not that I am pregnant but might be because I have thyroid and PCOS,that is why i miss my periods or its irregular;

Last month I got bleeding for 2 and half days(my normal peiods date is 3 to 4 days);and this was after a gap of 2 months maybe;

This month again ,I missed my periods, and am gaining weight;

Is there a possibility that ,those were not my period the previous month and that I may be pregnanty;
I took an HPT 10 days back,it was negative though;
I am really scared;now that we are getting divorced,I do not want to be pregnant;

I hope its just my PCOS problem that is causing delayed peiods.

[Life360]

Try the in house pregnancy test as is very reliable.

[bingo411]

Dear Lukkhi

I will be very Frank with you, I am Indian, have come outnof a 10 year relationship and have been together with him all that time, trying for kids too...

He will NEVER change, he sounds like is only cab able of loving himself.

Also I understand the challenges with society etc but u need to develop some self respect (u deserve someone who wants to be with u) and strength of character ( don't question yourself and don't try and save him - ur not his therapist)

Also I would advise u to read up on emotional abuse, codependency and a book by Louise Hay on loving yourself.....- all of these made me see the light and be less innocent.....

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I have learnt the hard way that sometimes the only person who cares about ur feelings, ur heart is u....think logically about this situation and make a decision

[eternity1234]

yes , will do it again now.....But somehow I am feeling I wouldnot be pregnany and it is just the medical problem I have!!!!!I am happy....Its a new lie for me now.

[eternity1234]

I meant  new life and not new lie :):)

[eternity1234]

Thanks for you reply.

I will go through that book!!!
Yes, am trying to let go everything and start a happy life frsh as if I was a child again/:):)
Yes its to frsh now, hence things come in my mind in forms of guilt,desperation,anger etc.
But I feel good after coming out of the quarrels and the sad desire of wanting to be with him whereas he was not inclined to be with him;I wish him happiness like i wish myself;I know its difficult sometime to retai that calm but in the end I feel life is too short and everybody wants love;may be he was so unhappy and felt no love from me;hence decided to leave;its his decision;
I am on my own now;focussed on standing for myself;
Watched a few good movies in hindi OMG,Barfi and english vinglish;
Have seen a few videos on youtube by Sister Shivani(Awakening with brahmakumaris),those are really nice,made me realize my happiness is not dependent on any external person or situation,it just me and my mind,and can be happy anyways;
And I feel that I am not pregnant anyways will confirm in a few days again(Thats good news for me;did not want to be linked to him or beg him again ,if I was pregnant)

[bingo411]

Hey Lukkhi

I feel like a child too ;-)

Regarding health - take control of ur life, ur health is all u have so get a check up.

Regarding the movies I will definitely watch them and another thing, I stones really shouted at my husband too,... I now realise how he manipulated me intomthat by ignoring me even if I said the same sentence 5 times.....

What I am trying to say he has issues. Not u. He will probably never be right with anyone!

[eternity1234]

Hello,

Hope you are doing very well; I did watch two videos Louisie Hay.Those were good.There were few other good videos as well.Thanks for suggetsing!!

I kind of get overwhelmed when I think the crap like way he treated me;for him marraige was nothing; he was at fault for multiple rhings but he along with the dictat of his family told this to me 'That I trapped him,as HE IS SOOOOOOO GOOD!!!'!!!
I reminded him of the fact the way he proposed to me wagging his tail in college because of mu looks;he did not have any job or money whatsoever;I was the one who got a job first;now he is rewriting history after 11 years,I left my job to be with him ,,,,,,and was disturbed immensely because of our quarrels which actually can easily be sorted with mutual understadning ;but now I realize ,he never wanted to be with me; he is actually a real PROSTITUTE because he does not consider me to be his wife;so he had been sleeping with me,I do not know thinking what;and now perhaps he plans to have another woman;Men of this kind are real PROSTITUTES and should be beten black and blue;

Sorry ,I being weird today but I really needed to vent this out; I feel used and thrown;I know I will really have to work a lot in restoring my self esteem and worth after these many number of years in  this deep ****;

I aslo know that without forgiving myself and that piece of crap;I will not be free from this pain;I will have to accept ,I was involved and did certain actions which perhaps in no manner would have made him fall in real love with me;also I realize the reality that he was no good for me ever,used me always;and I chose a person who did not believe in vows and breaks apart ;

[eternity1234]

I got a call from him in the evening.Did not pick the phone.It has been 2 weeks since I agreed for the divorce.I had tols him ,not to call me anymore and email me whwtever(he wanted to call an discuss the divorce proceedings)....
There was nothing to discuss,earlier also,this same had happened ,and he had sent me the divorce papers too and we endedn not divorcing(yes,i wnated to reconcile...he has just given me a CHANCE,the GOD)!!!!

I told him last time,when the divorce papers are ready,to email me and I would send him my address..thats all;
But he has to call me yet;he is not able to understand ,I have given him what he wants but not to disturb me now;and it will take some time for me to be totally strong;

for him its nothing,he calls,he is happy he is getting a mutual divorce,perhaps he wants to talk about dividing the few stuffs we bought at home together;I do not want anything(nothing much of value though);and will ask him to donate my other dresses if he emails me about this.
I am wondering how fast he is proceeding with the divorce stuff;must be he was planning since long and was thinking of an oppurtunity and he got it in our last quarrel;perhaps some other woman,do not know;i do not care;i do not wnat to hurt myself anymore by thinking about various possibilities;for now I have accepted that the quarrels led to the divorce and that there was no love;;and that in real life there is something called separation and divorce;

H e got his freedom and he should not bther me in thiis insensitive manner.
Its good ,it is over for good,no more quarrels,no more aabuse verbal and physical;no more fear of separation and divorce;no more guilt;no more lack of self-esteem;no more blame game;no more proving myself;whateber is to come ,let it come;I wish myself and all a good life;and I have to shape my life for good at any cost now;however bad situations come,it ahs already been a long time since I have been depressed;I will not let myself allow anybody to hurt and harm me in any manner.
Today was a rather bad day;I went back and thought negatively and hence posted here two times;

[eternity1234]

Today s again a happy  morning!!!!!Birds chirping and green around....cold air....!!!!!!

[TTinKKerBBell]

I'm SO glad for You that You're coming to terms with this.  You will have sad moments from time to time as the end of a Marriage is kinda, sorta like a death.  But that's okay, the sad moments will become farther and fewer between.  It's all about Mind Set and Attitude.  You stop "being" a victim when You stop "seeing" YourSelf as a victim!!  You are ready to start a new journey and the next one will be better because You are a wiser Woman.  We do learn from our mistakes.
Good Luck

[eternity1234]

Thank You LeeAnn!!

[eternity1234]

I did something today which has made me feel very sad and devoid of energy!!!!This is the end of any foolishness I am doing ;I got very sad ,after doing it;

My now STBX ,in his high school liked some girl;When he met me in college,he told me he had told me that she was still wanted to be with him and that he was not serious about it and had clearly mentioned it to her;we were in our teens and that is when we had met;i trusted him;later after 6 months he mentioned like she was crying and calling him etc.but he has nothing to do with it;i trusted;
later on ,I kind of started getting this guilty feeling that he might have fooled that girl as he was infatuated with me;
I for 11 years since my teenage had this feeling somewhere in my heart that ,I should have enquired more about him before letting him connect to me;and that I did injustice to that girl;
Now after many years and many ordeals and bad days That I have seen I somehow found out her email and apologized to her saying that I was not mature then and would not imagine hurting anyone today;it was just that I trusted my STBX that point of time in college;
She replied back saying its ok,and that life moves on;;;

Though I got rid of a guilt feeling since my teens; but am somewhat feeling I am again merging myself in some deep trouble;

I feel so guilty and angry and at the same time I have not done anything aprt from QUARRELING with all my heart with him;

I felt so dirty about having spent my life and having been involved with my STBX and his world;and my own foolishness;I feel so lonely;no friends;family are very supportive but I cannot talk to them;they cannot bear all this anymore;I feel I will never find anyone who will love me;
I am scared thinking whoever I meet will leave me or lie to me or perhaps cheat me and tell me that its my quarrelsome nature;because of this fear may be I will never be free and happy and make friends;

I had been taught since childhood,you hold somebodies hand not to leave it ever;I did not leave him,he is gone ;Do you think values can be different in the east and west or are values Universal in nature;
It was your cmment to me that was the most liberating,but I am so scared.

How will I move forward with so much guilt and fear;;;;;there is so much I want to share with you ,just that cannot type it all;;;;;
I just hope you would feel me and give me some magic mantra;let it be however harsh.......but let it be true;;;;;

[eternity1234]

it is ok, is it not whatever I have done is gone;
I have the right to be happy again;;;;

I do not need to be guilty or depressed,is it not;;;;;;;;
I have left an unhealthy life behind;I had the courage to say sorry to him irrespective of all the hurt I recieved.

I somehow feel,I should not have writeen that email to his school girlfriend  apologizing ;that was stupid,he came up to me and i trusted hom;also nothing like I was the other woman for whom that girl was cheated upon;;;;;;

why am i digging the past,may be just trying to console myself and find the reason why we got separated,as if some external force cursed me;;;i think this is a futile excercise.......

I have to chnage into a healthy person....

please somebody give me a strong dose of your experince and wisdom;however harsh but tell me;