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Post affair recovery
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Post affair recovery

Ive been struggling on now for 2 years following the discovery of my husbands first affair which last 18 months and I'm still really struggling.  What makes it worse is I discovered a previous affair only last December, which also lasted approx. 18 months.  So basically I know he's been living in a fantasy world for at least 3 years of our marriage (2007-2010) and I'm devasted.  

he's been open about it all, tho not completely honest (I think he thinks he's protecting me by not telling me everything) but I fear there were others.  He's done a 360 in terms of how he is as a father and husband but I still have awful days not knowing if staying is the right thing to do.  I'm beginning to think I'm abnormal because I can't get past it.

We've been together 20 years, married for 14 and have two children 11&9.  I get frustrated with people saying move on and let go.... HOW DO YOU DO THAT???  If there was something I could do to turn off these dreadful feelings I would, but I don't know how.  I wanted to go for professional therapy, he's against it, probably because it's going to be quite uncomfortable for him.

I'm just in limbo not knowing what to do.

Any advice?
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973741_tn?1342346373
Sounds like a very difficult situation.  You've been together for a very long time.  Am I understanding you correctly----  your husband had an affair that was long term (18 months) and you found out about it and forgave him and then you more recently found out about a second 18 month affair?  And he has stopped that affair and is now trying to work it out with you.  And you are wanting to stay married to him but having trouble with forgiving the affair or trusting him again??  

I'm just trying to understand what you are saying.  

I'm sure that lots of emotions would be normal and trust issues as well.  

Will he attend marriage therapy with you with a professional counselor that can guide you both into understanding WHY this happened and how it wouldn't happen again??

I can't see trying to make it through this without therapy as a couple.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I was Married for 15 Years to a Man who cheated COUNTLESS times, and his numerous affairs dam* near destroyed me.  We had 3 children when I left, They were 10, 13, & 14.  By the time I left Him I hated the very sight and sound of him and there are no words in my vocabulary to justly describe my Anguish, my Pain,  my Despair.  It was my decision to leave the marriage and, still yet, it was the one of the tallest mountains I've climbed!!  One doesn't do this easily after 15 years - which in my case had been half my lifetime!!  Not to mention, it looked like I was the one breaking up the Family by leaving - We had 3 Children who Loved us both.

So, I say to You - whether You stay or whether You go, what has happened will stay with You after these many YEARS and these many CHILDREN.  You CAN heal (the scars will stay) but therapy, with or without Him is a MUST!!  I would give Him that ultimatum:  That He MUST go to therapy if He desires to help You save the Marriage and Your Family.  That's his "price" for what He did.  Why SHOULDN'T He be uncomfortable with therapy - He EARNED it.  Small price for Him to pay if You are struggling to save Your Family!!  You're uncomfortable too and YOU didn't earn it!!

My Heart is Heavy for You to be on this Journey that doesn't end.
Whatever You decide, I wish You all the Luck in the World.  
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks for the replies.

He had an affair between Dec 08 and May 10 which I found out about in full round about June/july10.  Id sensed fir about 9 months that things weren't right,  But only in December 2011, i found out by accident that he'd had a previous affair from sept 07  -  Mar 09, yes he was seeing two at the same time.  

I feel like I may be abnormal that I can't forget and move but my problem is I believe that there may others before the 07 affair and I think that's why I can't move on.

He denies anything else went on, I don't believe him, I can tell that he's lying.  He tells me to look to the future because he can't change the past. I accept that but still can't get out this cycle of good days then low days.

I want to do therapy, he says he will but I sense his heart isn't in it. He says if I can't accept it and move on we don't have a future but is willing to move heaven and earth to give us the best future. I believe he's remorseful and is a changed person, but there is something holding me back.

Thanks for listening.

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"I wanted to go for professional therapy, he's against it, probably because it's going to be quite uncomfortable for him."  Perhaps he is holding back on the whole truth, has been telling you "bits and pieces" and doesn't want this to spill out in therapy?

I would trust your gut instinct because you are probably correct about him not being totally forthcoming.  Insist on therapy.  Meanwhile, you start going to therapy so you can start sorting all these emotions and feelings out and get on a path of healing.

"He says if I can't accept it and move on we don't have a future but is willing to move heaven and earth to give us the best future. I believe he's remorseful and is a changed person, but there is something holding me back."  Well, moving "heaven and earth" to give you both as a couple the best future SHOULD involve therapy. Let him know and INSIST you need this therapy; it would give you the proper tools and insight to help you to cope with these "dreadful feelings" of yours.  Plus, he needs to EXPLORE with the help of a professional why he did this to someone he loves, i.e. you.  He needs to know this so that he doesn't repeat this behavioral pattern.  Therapy would give him the proper tools and insight.

Whoever is telling you to simply get over this and move on really doesn't have any insight in regards to these situations.  

Your husband doesn't realize you don't have any future and can't look to any future and it's not related to the fact you can't accept things and move on but to the fact that you FIRST need the 100% FULL STORY of the what, when, why, where and how of the situation in order for you to "move on" which I doubt you have gotten from him.    
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