Reconciled, TTC & then found inappropriate messages... What should I do?

Sorry in advance for the long rant.

About 16 months ago my husband & I separated (he walked out on me while I was pregnant with our son). We reconciled, split & reconciled again for what we thought was the last time about  6 months ago. My oldest child had been taken May 2011 due to bs reports made by my own mother claiming I was abusing her & at that time I was left with my then disabled 2 yr old daughter & my son who was 7 weeks old.  During all this I was in & out of  contact with the father of my children. During the battle to get her back we got back together & fought it together.  In August my daughter was returned to me & she has been with us since.  We re-located & of course the cause (my abusive mother) hasn't let up.  In Dec 2011 she lost her right to access to my children & within days she contacted police claiming I had assaulted my oldest child even though she lives across town & had NO proof.  She has since gotten involved trying to help our landlord evict us & her grandchildren, whom she claims she loves, yet you can clearly see not.  My middle child doesn't even call her "her grandma" & the kids are all scared of her.

Despite all this my husband & I have stayed together & worked at our relationship.  The last few months we have been talking about TTC  another child so l was so excited for 3 Saturdays ago  to come because I was late & having other pregnancy symptoms.  I did a HPT & it came back negative. The tidal wave of disappointment hit so hard & suddenly that I wasn't prepared for it.  I completely broke down & spent hours crying.  I spent awhile talking with my husband later in the day & we agreed we would keep trying but the second he touched me I started crying again & had the hardest time allowing it.  I want a baby with this man so much. Yes we already have children together & each have a child from a previous relationship, but we both feel this incredible need for another child.  We see how quickly our other children are growing & I know that IF my previous problems start again I may not get a chance later so would like to have another now.  With everything my children & I have been through why can't 1 thing happen easily for us? The last 2 years have been  the most difficult years I have ever had to live through & this year is not looking any better.

I am such a strong advocate for families affected by CPS/CAS & fight so hard for my children, but my depression is hitting so hard lately with the issues & seeing what my mother is trying to do & I am sure the stress isn't helping any with TTC or my relationship with my husband.  I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember, have PTSD as well as anxiety & panic attacks. I have a physical disability as well involving my spine & SEVERE chronic pain DAILY. Some days the pain is so severe that I can't get out of bed & I have caught myself wishing for death to relieve me.  If it wasn't for my children I highly doubt I'd still be among the living. My husband knows all this & when I suddenly get into a depressive state or start crying he'll sit there with an attitude asking "what's wrong now?" or just ignore me completely. RARELY does he try to do anything to help & can actually make things MUCH worse by his ignorance & unwillingness to help.  I don't understand why Karma is so intent on punishing me.  I feel so incredibly alone, even though I have my husband & children here. I don't have any of my other family because I chose to marry my husband & they have either tried to destroy my little family or they refuse to get past that I am with him.  Even when we were separated they never bothered with me.  Add on our ignorant neighbor shooting her mouth off & working with my mother they have destroyed 3 businesses I was involved in due to the rumors they started & ended up losing many friends thanks to it as well. So need a new start FAR away from here but I can't afford it.  

Last night my husband was logged onto facebook on my laptop & didn't log off before handing it back to me.  I clicked on messages thinking I had logged into mine, but instead found myself in his inbox.  I came across SEVERAL questionable messages between him, a bunch of women & a few of his guy friends.  He had been telling his male friend how miserable he is here & how he met a woman who he'd "do" & told him how hot this woman is.  He went on in other messages telling woman how hot they are or how amazing they look.  Getting phone numbers, work locations & addresses.  We have been through this before once when I found messages in my computer from MSN messenger of him telling guy friends that he cheats on me.  I forgave those messages but now feel like an idiot because obviously nothing has changed.  I don't know if he has in fact cheated, but the messages he has been sending to women are inappropriate & he doesn't see anything wrong with it.  He said "I don't ask to see your messages" so I logged in & said here go for it. Not even when we were separated were there messages to ANYONE that were flirting, claiming cheating or saying things that shouldn't be said.  Hell there were NO  messages to men period I believe during that time unless it was a family friend checking in.

Do you think I'm over reacting? What would you do? We have 4 kids between us, 3 of which that live with us. The oldest that lives with us has ADHD/ODD & the middle child has Cerebral Palsy. There has ALWAYS been trust issues due to his lies which there have been some VERY big ones, but for the kids I have tried to move on. I can't keep shrugging them off like they are nothing, & I don't want my kids aged from 9 yrs to 10 months to think that lying is ok.

HELP please! My depression even with meds isn't letting up, & I feel COMPLETELY alone.

Thanks for any & all help & again sorry for the long rant.

[specialmom]

Honey, I can't tell you how much you are NOT over reacting.  You have caught your husband involved in some shady business that there is no way a simple explanation would fix.  He's also not very supportive of you.  You are suffering through your mental health issues and I take very seriously when someone says that they have thought about taking their life.  Some may say that in passing and you can blow it off but you have thought about it in earnest because you state the only reason you haven't is the consequence of leaving your children.  This frightens me for you.  

First and foremost, work on these mental health issues.  That is so critical.  You are going through a lot and the things with your mother are pretty hard to swallow.  That can't be easy to feel betrayed by your own mother.  And the chronic pain situation is tough---  what do you do with that.  Often someone will also have then an addiction issue they have to deal with and it is all just a TON to handle.  I feel for you.  I really do.

I think I'd shelve the baby for now dear.  Many reasons why I say that-----  your husband has handed you a bombshell.  He's most likely wandering or about to.  And he seems discontent in the relationship.  He's saying so to friends.  Ugh.  That is hard to hear but reality.  Unfortunately.  This makes your relationship very unstable.  Second, if your mental state is fluctuating, hormones of a pregnancy could really make things worse.  It can also make your back issues worse.  And, you have a lot to deal with from your mother and getting over that.  So, timing wise, a baby may not be the best thing now.  

I think that something is going on with your husband.  I think you should consider that he might be about to or already have cheated.  I'm so sorry.  

I wish you lots of luck.  Are you going to talk to him?

[Melissa_1982]

TY so much for your reply.

For my depression I am on an anti-depressant which some days works better then others.  For my chronic pain I am on a high dose of a pain killer to help me function because without it I'd never be able to do anything.  I've always had issues with my back, but didn't know what was wrong until about a year after I had my oldest child.  My still born twins & both my living younger children were born while I suffered through the pain & while I was on the same pain killer I am on now.  

I was also diagnosed a few years ago with PCOS (prior to my 2 younger children) & told I'd likely never have anymore due to it & my cervical cancer after the birth of my oldest.  I'd love to have another child while my health is decent & before my age makes conceiving any more difficult then it already is.  

My mother has never really been supportive & I had cut her out of my life for many years, but February last yr while pregnant with my son I was diagnosed with a Pulmonary Embolism & told even with treatment I could die.  It terrified me & I reached out to my mother for support & trying to make things right.  I have was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety & panic attacks after I was brutally beaten & raped by an ex in 2004 while my oldest child (only child at the time) was asleep in the next room.  Things slowly got better, but recently I was attacked by my landlord & a friend of his together assaulted me & threatened to kill me.  Since the PTSD, anxiety & panic attacks have come back with a vengeance& the nightmares leave me scared to sleep. I've become a prisoner in my home because of these 2 individuals. 1 was charged with the uttering of threats only & the landlord wasn't charged because I was shoved & there was no visible marks. The only reason his friend was charged is because the threat was caught on voice recording. We're desperate to move, but I'm worried with my physical disability & mental health issues that I won't be able to handle the special needs of my 2 older children, my infant son & VERY doubtful that the kids or I will EVER see their older brother who is my husband's son from a previous relationship.

I've tried speaking to my husband about the issues & he either denies the messages, says he would NEVER do it because he's happily married or is just joking.  NONE of them make me feel any better.  I've had a VERY serious hate relationship with my body for as long as I can remember & have battled weight issues most of my life.  My mother & step father made my life growing up & I was subjected to abuse in ALL forms by not only them, but friends of theirs as well as a brother who is older, another who is 13 months younger then me & an older step-sister. I have suppressed most of the abuse growing up& over the last 3 months or so I've had things popping up.  Flashbacks of being molested & beaten.  

I don't know how to talk to my husband about the messages other then just confronting him on them which I have done.  He SWEARS he hasn't cheated on me EVER & NEVER would, but how do I trust that when I've read the messages myself & when I said I want to read them all he signed in to let me & after reading 3 ppl's msgs with him he grabbed my computer & logged off telling me it's not right & I should trust him.  He knows my stance on msgs like that & flirting. I thought he learned after the 1st time but he doesn't seem to get why this bothers me.  I have NEVER cheated on him & NEVER so much as thought of it or flirted with another man. I have 2 daughters that I want  to learn they need to be respected & treated properly by whomever they chose & I have a son whom I want to learn that he should be loyal, honest & supporting to whomever he chooses to spend his life with.  I don't think any of them are learning any of that while I am with their father & he is acting the way he does.  

[specialmom]

I'm going to say this as best I can.  What does your gut tell you about your husband?  My gut says you don't leave a trail like he did unless something is going on.  He can deny it.  He can deny it all he wants.  And because you want to believe him, there is a chance you won't pursue the knowledge you have as the truth.  He'll probably be more careful in the future.  

You didn't find something that is questionable.  You found him chatting with woman.  You found him talking about a girl he met.  You found him talking about being unhappy.  You got a window into his world that happens when you aren't around.  

There is just no way to write off what you found.  You may choose to ignore it for whatever reason.  But you saw what you saw.  

Listen, I understand about wanting another child.  I wanted more than the 2 I had.  Sometimes life doesn't give us exactly what we think we want at the time.  I have one special needs child and another boy and my life is full even though I had thought I wanted more.  When making an important decision about more kids, we do have to take everything into consideration.  If the relationship is rocky, if finances are troublesome, if we have legal issues, pain management issues, really---- even thought babies are precious, it could push you into murky water emotionally and otherwise.  I had my last child at 39 with fertility issues.  My dear friend that is my age has twins my oldest's age and she has pcos.  Don't be tempted to believe this is your only chance to have a child.  

I wish you luck.  I don't think I could allow my partner to pretend nothing happened if I found something like that.  But it is hard.   Believing it means you have to act on it and that might mean not being with this man anymore.  goodluck and peace

[TTinKKerBBell]

Respectfully:
How many "RED FLAGS" do You need? Your posts here provide a LOT of detail, a LOT of information.  Re-read what You have written here.  You will see the NUMEROUS reasons (count them) why You should NOT bring another Baby into this mix.

I hope You will value SpecialMom's words.  She is insightful and eloquent too, don't You think?

[Londres70]

Wow, you are in a rough spot here.  

I didn't see any mention of therapy.  Have you ever had any therapy?  You have had an awful lot of trauma in you life.  You should definitely sort out your mental health and your physical health ASAP.  Meds and a counselor are in order dear.  Sounds like you are a nervous wreck.  

Another child?  Sounds like you have your hands full already and plus you found out this information about your husband. I think another baby plus dealing with your husband's situation would put you into a "full blown" nervous breakdown. This is DEFINITELY not the time to have another child; you aren't mentally and physicially able to handle that right now.  

The husband.....hmmmm....well, you can't dispute what you saw unless your eyesight is poor or questionable.   He simply has been caught and now he chooses to lie.  You stated you have been down this path before with him.  Looking away and denying the situation is not what I would recommend you do any longer.    

"There has ALWAYS been trust issues due to his lies which there have been some VERY big ones, but for the kids I have tried to move on. I can't keep shrugging them off like they are nothing, & I don't want my kids aged from 9 yrs to 10 months to think that lying is ok."  You also don't want your children learning this is the way a marriage should be.

Please rethink this and sort out what you have to deal with at this time.  

[elvy66]

Dear Melissa,
I was where you are, I broke my back 10 years ago and I have suffered depression since a young age... I am on pain killers and I take tablets for my moods and my husband always told me I am here to look after you, I would never look at another women....and he cheated on me with a 22yr old neighbour after 30 years marriage......and I must say he made me more an invalid because he wouldnt let me do anything and then complaint because I dont do anything......and my parents died when I was 1 and one of my foster mother was evil and she would take my children all the time. I moved along way away and had orders put on her so she could not contact me or the children and I haven't seen her in 17 years and it was the best move ever......I think you will find when you dont have his stress to worry about you will find a strength inside which will get you through.....I take half the tablets now and getting stronger every day and you need to be concentrating on you and your children and tell him to sort his **** out without you involved.......my ex leaving me was the best thing ever....yeah I am still emotional and have bad days but I am so much stronger and becoming stronger everyday and us ladies need to realize how strong we are.......because we can do anything, we dont need them in our lives......especially when they are not a positive in your life.....good luck and please keep in touch....Love Linda

[Londres70]

Linda, every time I hear your story I think "This woman is truly a strong survivor.  

Melissa_1982, I hope that you find your way for the sake of you and your children dear.  

[specialmom]

Yes, I agree Elvy.  Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story.  Sometimes our experience whether it is good or bad is a blessing for the wisdom it gives us to share.

And I too wish Melissa luck.  Life can be complex.  

[Melissa_1982]

Thank you so much for your comments.

3 days after I found the messages he still wouldn't talk to me.  I went to the dr that afternoon asking for a blood test for pregnancy because I'm still late & half of my total pregnancies have been difficult to diagnose.  The dr did the test & then sent me for an ultrasound just to verify.  I'M pregnant :( . They are thinking about 6 weeks now.  

I went home, didn't tell my husband, but did tell him enough was enough & he had NO right to be sending msgs like that.  He flipped out again, tore my house apart, woke all our kids & then had the nerve to try to smash my laptop after he signed into his facebook on it, asked me to read a msg from a mutual friend & reply to it &I did. I then started reading some of the other messages to these women (stopped counting around 17 in total). He threatened to have me charged for being on his facebook, smashed my baby gate at the top of he stairs which lead from our living room to the front door,then walked through my house calling me a loon & saying I'm even crazier then my mother. I told him to get the hell out & was in the process of dialing 911 before I hung up & realized that IF I did I would also end up with child protection here & they'd likely grab the kids. He vowed he'd be back over the weekend with the police to get the kids from me so I spent the weekend waiting. He never showed up, but didn't leave until yesterday morning because he conveniently fell asleep rocking our infant son after the feud while I tried to calm our 2 daughters down.  I woke him up twice & said by no means was he staying here & no way in hell he'd be sleeping through it pretending everything hadn't happened. I called his mother who lives out of province & told her she had better talk some sense into her son before I had police escort him away at which time he told her I went crazy & attacked him with the baby in my arms.

I've been on several different anti-depressants over the years since I went to the dr saying something wasn't right. After my last 2 children I again went to the dr & demand help because I was worried that the depression would be hard enough & the fear of postpartum depression would give my mother exactly what she needed to get my kids from me. I have been on pain meds consistently since 2004 when my back issue was 1st properly diagnosed. I was diagnosed with Spinal Stenosis & had surgery on my L5-S1 region January 2006.  It got better for roughly 3 months after the life threatening infection cleared, but after that got VERY bad. I gained weight like crazy because doing anything at all caused extreme pain. At me heaviest I was OVER 220lbs.  Since having my daughter with CP & my infant son I have dropped down to around 155lbs. I fight a daily battle with my scale due to the abuse I suffered growing up over my weight & the issues with my husband.

I made it clear to him that he had NO right to be commenting on any other women like he was regardless if they are friends or not, whether he acted on it or not.  I also made it clear that5 screaming names at me whether in front of my children or not is not ok & that his comments to these other women, names thrown at me & way he has acted shows how little I & our children mean to him & that he has seriously hurt me.  I told him he knows of my depression issues, knows about how horrible my upbringing was & knows the abuse I STILL suffer from family so to act in such a selfish way causes damage that not only will I pay for but our children will suffer from as well. He hasn't said 1 word to me since " I screwed up big" No I'm sorry, nothing. WTF? I don't believe in abortion, but I'll be damned if I'll bring another child into this bs with him.  I already cry almost every night because my other children have seen 1 minute of it. BUT the very second I tell him to leave he makes a HUGE production over it & my 2 daughters start screaming for him... the oldest ended up hospitalized the 1st time he left because she refused to eat & barely slept until he finally came back. Now there are 3 kids, 1 with ADHD/ODD, 1 with CP & my infant son who is just getting over Roseola.  I grew up in a household as a victim of not only emotional, psychological & physical abuse but also sexual abuse & molestation.  I DON'T want my kids growing up in any of it & have done VERY well to keep physical & sexual abuse away. but it looks like I am failing miserably in the other ways. Some days I don't even remember the day when my head hits the pillow & I try for elusive sleep.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Melissa,
This story leaves me speechless
EXCEPT
as regards the Children.  Perhaps there is no physical or sexual abuse for Your Children but there IS emotional and psychological abuse and that's very, very important and damaging as well!!  - They will grow up to recyle Their Own pain (baggage) in Their marriages and with Their Children because You and Your Husband are teaching Them how to be Husbands and Wives.  Their lives need to change NOW.  I would hope You would obtain therapy for Them as well as YourSelf.  

[specialmom]

I too find your description of what happened hard to read.  His reaction was even worse than his sending these messages.  Your boyfriend has a temper.  He loses control.  He is volatile.  This all makes him really questionable about being in the home with your kids.  

I am a fan of families staying together but dear, I really think that this relationship is going to impact your kids negatively with these outbursts of emotion and fighting.  It isn't healthy.  

I get why you are upset that he is obviously crossing the line with other women, but the whole description of how things went down really really worries me.  This is the great guy you wanted another child with?  I'm not trying to be rude but he's got some problems.  

You seem like you are trying to work on your own issues and I commend you for that.  But you can't fix a guy who doesn't see anything wrong.  

I don't know how to fix this as I gather leaving him isn't somthing you are willing to do.  I personally would not tolerate a man treating me like that.  Period.  I don't think you should either but you have to be willing to act on it if you make that statement.  

[specialmom]

Sorry, I hit post before I meant to.  

This pregnancy worries me for many reasons.  Your health sounds fragile, you are in pain, you have a broken relationship, financial issues, cps breathing down your neck, and it sounds like little support.  Arggg.  I don't  know how to fix this for you.  You also have another young child to tend to along with your other 2 kids.  You are going to be completely stretched.  

I'm  just going to say that we are here to support you, will pray for you, and cross my fingers that all make it through this emotionally intact.  

[Londres70]

Pfff.........that is some situation.  It is obvious your husband has some serious anger and control issues.  Why would someone be trying to "smash" everything in their path/destroying his home if he is hasn't done anything wrong?  You know what I mean?  Sounds like he is mad because the control of the situation wasn't in his hands any longer, i.e. you caught him and confronted him.  

Do you have anyone for support at all?  Anyone?  Anyone who can help you out of this situation?  As Specialmom stated fixing him is "out of the question," however, when are you going to leave him is the question.

Even though you haven't mentioned anything about physical abuse I do believe that is the last thing on his "check list" to do because he has already done all the other abuses, well, he hasn't done any sexual abuse, but I think he is heading in the direction of doing physical abuse for sure.  

You will have to find some way out of this or else the kids will end up in the care of CPS, which is a high probability if things don't change under your own accord.  

Please do use this forum for support as you desperately do need it dear.  

[TrudieC]

I would strongly encourage you to not have another baby and to stay away from this man.  Put all your efforts into taking care of you and the children you do have.  Trust that you are on the right path and that things will work out well for you. Get through the separation, ensure you have legal representation which will ensure you are supported and may allow for access to your husband's child.  Let this process happen and then once you are on the other side you will have a clearer picture of what you want and need.  

[Melissa_1982]

He FINALLY decided to talk to me & although the words I MESSED UP was the summary of it, I made it CLEAR that until he fixes whatever issues he has within himself I can't & won't be with him.  Over all our marriage had been a decent one outside of this latest fight & his addiction issues which our family doctor refuses to treat him for.  I've told him about the pregnancy & he doesn't seem like he's excited or upset.... not sure it's hit him yet.  For now he;s still in the home to help me with the kids we do already have together due to their individual issues & my inability some days to move without needing to scream in pain.   He has been given to the end of this weekend to find somewhere to go that is still close enough that he can see the kids because they really don't need him walking off on them again & at least if he's close enough IF something happens with 1 of them or myself hopefully he can get here. There has been no statement of I LOVE YOU from his mouth, no I AM SORRY or WHAT CAN I DO TO FIX THIS. he did demand I unlock my laptop so that he can sign into his Facebook & get rid of it entirely , but I explained that wouldn't change anything because the 1st time messages were found like these it was through his MSN messenger which was saving the conversations to the home computer. I told him that he will not be touching my computer at all for the time being & IF I decide that we are going to try & work through this then ANY TIME I ask to see his Facebook he can't deny me that. He agreed...... for now.  I really hate being paranoid & worry a lot that once he walks out that door that he will end up at one of these womens' houses & then what?  we took vows & it was something that I had to be convinced to do then because I don't go back on them & don't believe in divorce. Too many families are destroyed daily through divorce & I don't want mine to be one of those.  Although right now this is what is best I am hoping that he will in fact smarten up & realize that he can't be acting, doing or saying what he has been if he wants to be a family & have me around. I have been told all my life by my mother what a horrible person I am so believing that I deserve better then what I have is a VERY hard one for me, but my children DO deserve better & it's time their father realizes this & does it.  And I would NEVER stay with a man who laid 1 finger on my children or myself.

My pain today has been at an almost all time high.  The stress is not helping with my sleep which makes the pain & depression worse which make each other worse so it's a cycle. I am hoping to get into the hospital at some point today or tomorrow to find out what the pain is in the 1 part of my stomach. I've had cysts burst before & fibroids so hoping it's something along those lines . I know that this isn't the best time for a pregnancy but after all the losses I've had over the years I don't think I could handle another one & so far it's just pain & nothing else. Here's keeping fingers crossed it's nothing serious. Karma needs to let up on me for awhile. Not sure what I did to deserve everything but I know 1 thing for sure & it's I:M DONE BEING TESTED!

[specialmom]

Hi.  One thing I'm confused about is why a doctor wouldn't treat someone for an addiction.  Doctors as a whole view addiction as destructive to health and life and encourage those suffering addiction to do what is necessary to overcome it.  so, that really really confuses me.  

I do think you are in a pickle.  I wouldn't stay with him and would make him leave but you have much on your plate.  Including being in severe pain.  I hope they find the source of the stomach pain and can do something for it.  

Really a hard situation and I hope for the best for you and your kids.  

[Londres70]

First and foremost, get to the hospital/seek medical attention for your stomach pain, etc.

He has an addiction as well?  Hmmm.....well.....if he refuses to acknowledge his problems or refuses help.......not much more that I can say there ONLY that things will get worse.  Getting rid of a FB account should be the "least" of his worries.  

It's good you started setting some boundaries with him; just "stick" to your guns and don't let him talk you into "this or that."  

You hold your marriage vows high and that's commendable, however, in cases of abuse/extreme cases such as yours separation or divorce may be warranted especially when the abuser is NOT seeking or wanting help.  I don't think "for better or worse" means that someone is agreeing to be abused or mistreated.  Your statement "Too many families are destroyed daily through divorce & I don't want mine to be one of those" well.....sounds like your family is being destroyed already because your husband isn't addressing his issues.  

Your plan with him living close by and not in the home with you and the kids is a great start.  I am not so sure he will leave though.  Hopefully, he will do this and sort his situation out.  Yes, the children don't need him walking off on them again, but they don't need to be living in a house with all this going on as well.  

[TrudieC]

Please get some medical help.  You need to ensure you didn't have an ectopic pregnancy (been there).  Please let us know how you are.

[specialmom]

Oh my goodness, I hadn't thought of that.  Good point Trudie!!  Melissa, make sure you go find out what this pain is and if it gets too severe, go to the ER.  Let us know.  

[Melissa_1982]

Sorry I haven't updated sooner. I didn't have access to a computer until yesterday & have been recovering.

1am Valentines day I stood up from sitting on my couch & was soaked from blood from my waist to my knees so called 911 & was rushed into emerg due to the bleeding & heavy cramping. Blood tests apparently looked fine so I was discharged at 6am & told to return at 10 for an ultrasound to find out what was going on. I don't drive so curled up in a chair in emerg & tried to sleep for at least a little bit even though I was in horrendous pain.  Ultrasound was done at 10:30 & I was told to return to emerg immediately or my results. An hour later I was taken in & told that I had a mass 3inches by 2 inches by 1 inch in my left tube which was very suspect of being a tubal pregnancy & ABSOLUTELY NO growths in my uterus.  I was told I needed to see the on call OBGYN so I was transferred to another part of emerg to await that. Within another hour the oncall dr & oncall OBGYN came in & told me that I required emerg surgery & that I would not be going home that evening & surgery would be done within a few hours so an IV was started & I was being given morphine to help with the pain, which I had a horrible reaction to & ended up with a rash covering my left arm, shoulder, chest & rib cage. I asked EVERY hour when the surgery was being done & no one had any idea so of course I hadn't eaten since dinner the night before. Finally at 7pm I was transferred to a room instead of a cot in emerg. When I got to my room I again asked when the surgery was going to be done since it was deemed such a high risk that I wasn't even allowed to go home for an hour to get clothing & see my kids. At 11 I informed them that if I wasn't in for surgery by midnight I was leaving. Luckily I fell asleep finally for a lil bit & woke up at 1am. I was just packing the lil stuff I did have with me up when they came & told me I was goign for surgery. 1:30 am I was wheeled into the OR. 3:30 am I awoke in recovering shaking, screaming in pain & crying. The nurses were quite rude asking me why I was crying. I was given morphine, tylenol & ativan to help with the pain. I asked what exactly had been done & the nurse rudely said they cut  you in your belly button, found nothing there & stitched you up so it's not nearly as bad as you are making it sound. I was wheeled upstairs to my bed & left alone til morning. I was wrapped tightly in blankets so of course I was warm, them took my temp which was a lil high so they refused me any further pain meds & refused to discharge me until the temp came down & I submitted to further blood tests. once the blankets were off me for 30 minutes the temp had dropped to normal but I was still refused pain meds so I lost it. I had court to attend that day & at that time hadn't been told about the dr the previous day calling CAS illegally as it had nothing to do with child protection & I had NOT given her the consent to contact them.  I was told I had to sign out AMA because I was unable to safely stay & was furthered refused my pain medication until I reported the dr & nurses for failure to treat & threatened to sue for leaving me in a room alone for 12 hours only being checked on by the nurses twice & only because my IV pole was beeping. If it was as dire as they claimed I could have died in that time. I returned home just after lunch on the 15th at which time I found out about the call to CAS by the social worker at the hospital. I spoke with her who told me she was ordered by the dr to call even though it broke my patient rights. CAS was told that I was being admitted to the hospital & required emerg surgery, they were even told what the surgery was for. Canadian health care at it's greatest. They had better hope that there is nothing further wrong with me from having to wait for the surgery or they'll be facing further lawsuits then those that are already pending from the breach of my patient confidentiality.

I have been concentrating on healing & my kids right now more then anything.  2 weeks post surgery & I am ok. the bleeding had stopped at day 8 but started off & on again at day 10 until current. the pain comes & goes. Some times I am perfectly fine & other times I'll get the same severe cramping so I am hoping to get in to my family dr this week.  The dr's literally told me NOTHING about healing, further testing, further pregnancies, recovery..... nothing. Safe to say I am annoyed, but very thankful to be here with my kids. Depressed that I lost the baby, but glad that I am here for my other babies.

[specialmom]

So, I really wanted to check in with you as there is much in this thread about your relationship and how perhaps the man you are with has such significant problems that he might not be good to have a relationship with.  As the dust settles, have you thought about this??

I'm sorry for your miscarriage, however.  It sounds like you had a dreadful time of it.  I hope that you are feeling better and able to attend to your little ones.  good luck dear

[TrudieC]

I feel for you.  I had 3 ectopics (tubals) and even had one in each tube at the same time!  It is heartbreaking and I can't imagine how worried you must have been about your kids and not even knowing what is truly happening.  Was your hospital in a small town or major centre?  I'm from Ontario as well.  I hope you are healing well - in both body and mind.

[Melissa_1982]

It's been a long month trying to recover on so many levels.  My husband & I are still not really talking about anything. I cry constantly about the lost baby & get nothing from him in return.  I was at my drs last week & she has ordered a beta test to ensure that my levels dropped back down to zero because my description of post surgery doesn't seem right.  She has also ordered an ultrasound because I am still having so horrible pains on my left side that constantly leave me doubled over in pain. I asked if there is any testing that I would require if I decided that I wanted to try again in the future & she said we would cross that boarder if it ever came up, but wants 1 complete menstrual, 2 would be better before I even consider trying. Not exactly a worry when you aren't talking to your spouse.

Stress levels are through the roof with other tenants though & my landlord being a scum bag. I can't wait til the end of June when my oldest is done school so I can pack & get the hell out of this place. WAY TOO much drama & I need to get away form ppl set on destroying my kids lives & my own at any cost.  My children deserve so much better then this & I guess I do too. I'm not one to make drastic changes or moves because I find them overwhelming but this time I have to in order to keep my kids safe & maintain my sanity.

[Melissa_1982]

well another month has passed & nothing has changed. I don't know what else to do. I do want my family to work out because obviously it's the best thing, but I can't let that stuff slide.

He has no access to the internet anymore so there are no more little secret messages & there are no calls made so he is behaving. But do I ignore all the past stuff?

I have 3 disabled children & am disabled myself, he can be useful with help for the kids, but I need support for me too & I am not getting that.How do I get hm to open his eyes & realize I need much more then I am getting?

[specialmom]

Well, this is hard. Is he still actively using drugs either occasionally or a lot due to his addiction?  That issue could make or break any success that you'll have.  While he is on a short leash, he is behaving . . . but you don't seem confident that this will continue if you give him any slack.  And he's yet to address his anger issues.  The only thing that has changed is that he isn't currently communicating with other women.  He needs to address the addiction and anger issues.  You should not overlook this.  

I think that this is hard because you do have your kids and yourself.  I understand that.  But are you waiting for the next blow up with his rage problems or his next bad high?  That could be the one that ends it all for you and the kids.  Either his hurting you, himself, the kids or you losing the kids because this instability happens in the home.

We tend to brush these things under the rug until the next episode when we live in an unhealthy relationship.  Just make sure you arent' doing that.  
Do you feel like you don't have options to be without him?

[Melissa_1982]

He isn't using any drugs at all. It was a previous addiction that he had prior to us getting together & he has struggled with over the years with many relapses, but not in a few months.

I have offered to let him online, but want to monitor it like you would a child & he didn't like the idea & refused it. I have given him a prepaid phone to which there is a plan & only has 5 numbers that are included in it. Any number other then those will cost money & I have already said I am not buying cards for it more then once a month & that is only to top up the plan so it works. Damn I feel like I have another child with everything I have to do & I know he feels like he is being treated like a child.. I don't want it but not sure what else to do or how else to handle it.

With my disability & my health I worry that if I were to leave I'd be a target & risk losing my children. I also worry about my ability to actively parent them because of the disability causing limits on what I can & can not do. I also know that right now the only family that has anything to do with us is parts of his & if we were to split again they would cut the children & I off again & that is not fair to the kids. I lost many of my friends when he & I got together because I had settled down & they were more interested in partying. Then lost what was left of them last year when I had my oldest child taken from me. Without him I would literally be alone trying to raise 3 kids who each have their own disabilities & issues on top of my disabilities & issues. Since commenting last things seem ok, but still have been no talk about why it happened & he is showing VERY little interest in any physical contact with me. One day he'll say he wants it & then that night comes & he'll pass out while I am getting all the kids down for the night or waiting for my pain meds to ease some of my pain. Then the next day I will mention it again & I'll get the same "I'm sorry I was tired, not feeling well or blah blah blah". it's the EXACT same every time. He does say he wants another child with me, that he loves me, wants to be with me & would do anything for me, but it all seems emotionless when he says it, kind of like he is reading off a piece of paper & saying whatever he can to shut me up even if I am not talking. I have caught him twice on my laptop without asking me & asked him to get off it, once he had no problem getting off it & the other time it took him a few minutes, but he did & wasn't happy about it. I currently lock it if I am leaving the room or occupied with the kids so that he can't get on it. I feel bad for making such a big deal out of it. He was complimenting women. there were no sexual advances in the conversations & as far as I know no cheating. I think I was more upset that he was talking to other women, the complimenting that I do NOT get from him & that he was lying to me about it all. Then the freak out over me finding out just made it worse.

[leticia710]

You shouldnt be ttc with him or anyone you dont seem ready for another.

[Melissa_1982]

months later & he has access to the internet again & now I have no way of knowing what is in his messages because it's all on a tablet that he has control of.  We have moved from the previous home to try & make things better thanks to a HUGE issue that came up involving him, his anger & the other tenant.  He apparently spit in her face so she had him charged. I know it didn't happen cuz I was the one near her when it supposedly took place, but it doesn't change the fact that he has been charged. I was assaulted by the police officer that night as was he. This officer then called CAS/CPS & lied about the state of my home even though he had never set foot into my house that night. Thanks to that I am now battling CAS again. Love how life just refuses to ease up. I've since lost partial use of my legs &  control of my bladder intermittently.  The MRI results state that the Spinal Stenosis has escalated & I now have Degenerative Disc Disease throughout my spine. Yet another hurdle to try & over come while trying to keep my family together & try to get through to my husband. I love him, but refuse to allow the lies to control me anymore. I have stood up to him non stop since I found the messages, but I want him to finally see what he did was wrong & take the steps to make things better.

[specialmom]

Sounds really hard Melissa.  I hope it all works out for you.  I know you love your partner but try to figure out what your boundary is for when you'll have had enough of trust issues, okay?  He may never admit what he did was wrong but i think he has other issues going on.  He does seem to have some anger issues hon.  I've never even gotten into a verbal confrontation with neighbors in which we were so mad that police were called.  That is a really big deal whether some of it was made up or not----  that any situation gets that out of hand is outside of a drama free life.  You need to strive for a drama free life.  Best for you and best for your children.  Being drama free may mean he isn't in the picture, I don't know.  Time will tell.  Just keep your eyes open and your head on straight and take each day as it comes.  sorry about your chronic pain-----  sounds bad.  Wish I could help you fix that.  I would absolutely put having a baby again off for a good while until some things resolve including your pain and family issues.  Lots of luck hon,  Peace