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SOMEBODY HELP ME! DIVORCE OR NOT!
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SOMEBODY HELP ME! DIVORCE OR NOT!

Ok so this is going to be a bit of a long story but I believe that the whole story must be explained so hopefully someone can help me. I am 26 years old. I've been married for 5 years but have been with my husband for a total of 14 years. We have 2 children together. I was pregnant for our son at age 14 and had him at 15. We have been together ever since. Our relationship has its ups and downs. When I was young I used to do everything for him. I never wanted him to leave me all alone to be a single teen mother so I always kept peace. Even when he was wrong. Although I went to bed many nights crying myself to sleep. So as time went on we kinda both grew up and things were good for the most part up until about 4 years ago. I started to realize that my husband was taking lortabs, xanex, and drinking prescribed cough meds. When I had my second child I was a prescription of pain medication because everyone gets them after having a baby. Well my meds disappeared I was left with one in the bottle. I was so upset and in pain. When I asked him about it he swore that it wasn't him and that it was either my sister or brother who did it and I believed him until he later confessed. So naturally I forgave him but time and time again I kept on catching him. When I eventually started making him leave the house he got suicidal. So there I was again helping him get the help he needed and letting him come home. He drinks alot expecially on the weekends. Most times he doesn't eat breakfast. He just goes outside all day and drinks till he cant go anymore late at night. When I try to tell him he drank enough he goes into these rages. He breakes everything in sight. He calls me every curse word in the book.
Another thing is that he doesn't like our 11 year old son. He wanted me to have an abortion but I refused so its like he resents his own son. He never really pays him any attention but god forvive if our son is being bad he surely knows how to scream at him. he never does any father and son things with him. So now im going to explain what has happened over the last 2 weeks. To start off I had enough of my husbands distructive behavior so I got myself a lawyer and started the divorce process. Well I let him kinda move back in but I kept paying my lawyer knowing that he would soon mess up again then I would continue without any problems. I had to confess to my lawyer that I had in fact let him move back in but I had already made him leave again. So the reason I made him leave was because the divorce papers came in the mail and I freaked because things were in fact going well but I needed to let him know the divorce had been filed but I didnt know it was filed. I guess it was my fault because I didnt tell my lawyer not to file but i didnt tell him to file either. So anyway I hoped that my husband would have sat there with me and we would have figured out what to do. But he lost his mind saying that I new it had been filed and that he was leaving. **** you is what he said. All of the blame for all the problems were always my fault. So I told him if he wanted to leave he could but he needed to leave me money for groceries instead of throwing it in a bar and he said that I was never going to get a f***ing penny from him, he wasnt coming to court and that he would rather rot in jail before paying child support. So I hid his phone from him and said he wasnt getting it back until he left money for food. Well he grabbed me by the shirt and tried to pull me across the livingroom table, he picked up and candle holder and hent to hit me with it so I jerked back really hard I flew back in the kids who were sitting on the sofa because he woke them up. I kicked him away from me and called the cops but he left before they got to my house. After a couple of days he started to call to come visit the kids so I let him. Of course he was so sorry but I told him he needed to get counseling before he could come back. His response was that counseling was a crock and a waste of money and he wasnt going. So this past weekend he came visit and I couldnt help myself, I went in his truck and honestly I was looking around and I found lortab pills. I lost it. I was so mad. He wanted to stay and when I said no and confrunted him with the pills he went into a rage. He chased me around the kitchen, I threw the pills in the sink and turned the water on so they disolved. Im telling you at that moment I had a close incounter with the devil. He went outside and started punching my car windows and cursing me out. My son walked outside and started screaming for him to leave me alone and to just go. He then told our son **** you, your a ugly lil *******, i hate you. That was the icing on the cake because i was left to pick up the pieces of my sons broken heart. He cried for 3 days. Yesterday he showed up and have our son a hug, he was crying and saying how sorry he was. Our son was crying as well. Now he wants me to give him yet another chance. Grant it i love him very much but i need to tie my heart and continue the divorce but im so confused because now he wans to stop drinking, and go to church. He also wants counseling. But I think he is just bluffing but what if he wants to change. I just dont know what to do. He always breaks his promises after he is allowed back home. Just when I think things are good I find myself in the same situation. HELP PLEASE. Is this mental abuse. Is this verbal abuse. I dont know which way to turn.
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13 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
Mental abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, you name it and it sounds like he's done it.  I'm a man, so I haven't dealt with that kind of situation but I would give some SERIOUS thought to divorcing him and not having him around the kids PERIOD.  MAYBE supervised visitation.  He sounds like a loose cannon and things are spiraling downward with him.  It's only going to get worse.
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Avatar_f_tn
This is a dangerous man you are dealing with, and you started haveing the kids to young and now you are in a mess, he will get worse and more abusive as time goes on do not let this man back in your home, have you read where some women have been killed by abusive husbands, there is one for you to read it is about this girls best friend killed by her husband he abused her, and she kept on going back go some where, even if it is a shelter get a restraining order for your childrens sake, and remember these meds make him worse, and next time you let him in, one of your children may be dead, or it may be you my daughter was in an abusive relationship and had many broken bones, and when she got out she was in therapy for years do not feel sorry for him, because he needs help and he knows it, but he has to want help and ask for it, because you cant force help on someone  please look around you read the abuse colum and look at all of these women that have had their lives ruined all in the name of love, please do something before it is to late   luck  jo
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Avatar_f_tn
Please go to the abuse colum now do not wait read the post about my best girlfriend was killed by har abusive husband, she also had 3 or 4 children, also it tells of more things that have happened, if you will just read this you will know the answer please read it now,  jo
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Avatar_f_tn
thanks for your input. its nice to get a mans opinion.
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Avatar_f_tn
jo
i would like to say thanks. what i just dont understand is, deep down inside i know what do do but i cant seen to make myself do it but you have incouraged me so much. thank you.
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Avatar_m_tn
Another guy, and I'm saying you need to get this man out of your life as fast as possible.  He is only bad for you, and for your children.  Keep that divorce procedure running, and if necessary get a restraining order against him.  You may be able to get some sort of interim child custody arrangment in place; with the behaviour he has been showing, you may even get an arrangement that he doesn't get any visitation until something longer-term is in place.

I don't know about the law wherever you are.  No doubt the courts will award you some sort of alimony, to help with childcare, but he says he won't pay it (for a start that tells you something about his attitude, he cares more about being vindictive towards you than making sure his kids have food to eat).  You'll just have to keep using the law to get whatever you can get, but this guy - he drinks too much, he taking meds that he shouldn't - does he actually earn enough money that you'll be able to get anything significant out of him?  You may decide that the little money you'll end up getting is causing more trouble than it's worth, but that's your call, and hopefully your lawyer can advise.

I really feel for you.  You started having kids WAY too young, no doubt that has interfered with your education, and you are now faced with the prospect of raising them without any practical and little or no financial help from the father.  You'll have to sort you life out one bit at a time, and getting this man well and truly out of it is the most important first step.
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Avatar_f_tn
you gave a good answer, but to the wrong person   jo
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Avatar_f_tn
if you decide to mess around and put yourself and your children in danger, then i can say no more. i do hope you listen and get away but you will do as you want  luck  jo
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks Sammy 73 for all of your thoughts.You really have a good point. The reason why I came here is so I can get the support I need. Oh yeah I had a baby really young but I did manage to graduate high school and I have a college degree in business/accounting. Im a book keeper. Thanks for all the support from MY family. I scheduled counseling for my kids and I today so hopefully we get the help we need. Thanks again..
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1027754_tn?1253005311
Yeah i agree, by reading your letter, he needs to help himself but if hes telling you he is gonna go to church and stop drinking, hes just saying it to ya but you never know tho.. God can reach anyone and when hes alone is when thats gonna happen. Let him hit rock bottom and normaly thats what its gotta take but be careful to take him back to early if you do! Man your a tough women to, their aint many out there like you!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks. He is still out of the house but begging to come back. This is a crappy situation but I know its going to get better. Thanks for your input. Every comment helps!!
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285927_tn?1380802356
As hard as it is to do, this man cannot come back. If he truly does mean it, he will get help regardless of what you are doing. You must protect your children and he is way out of line here. He is an addict and things are only going to get worse before they get better. You need to quit letting him visit too if he is going to go off on you.
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960021_tn?1270666282
No one can tell you whether or not you should divorce this man. Only you can reach this decision on your own.
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