Separated and Still Part of Family Functions

My bestfriend's husband decided to leave her and has been staying at his parent's house for a week now.  He's very emotionally and verbally abusive towards my friend.  She's a stay at home mom and basically he says she is nothing because she doesn't contribute to the household.  He doesn't consider her an equal, he controls everything they do, from family functions, to just taking their son to the park, to where they are going to go eat and where they will go on vacations.  He spends their money on whatever he chooses and says she has no say because he is the sole provider.  Meanwhile, they can barely pay the mortgage.  He is possibly cheating on her, although we have no proof, but he's always staying out at least 4 times a week until 2-4 am.  He spends no time with their son and has never bathed their son, changed a diaper, fed him or done any care giving to him and he's 2 years old.  Everything to him is an arguement.  He's gone to therapy and was diagnosed with severe anxiety and we think he may be bi-polar.  He gets really depressed and has manic episodes as well.  He was prescribed medication but never stays on them.  There have been numerous occasions where she has felt threatened by him and has called the cops and it has gotten to a point where he literally tries to rip there son from her arms.  He constantly threatens to get joint custody if she were to leave him.  He knows that their son is her weakness and uses that to hurt her.  She doesn't trust that he will take care of their son, since he has never done more then play with him for less then an hour maybe a few times a week.  There is no bond between him and his son but he blames her for that, rather than take responsibility for that.

So now she has seen a lawyer because she wants to know her legal rights.  She has a duffel bag filled with evidence about his behavior and voice messages from him threatening her.  So she doesn't feel comfortable with their son staying every other weekend with him.  She doesn't mind him spending time with their son but not alone and not over night.  The lawyer told her to play everything very carefully.  Anything can be used against her in court.  So my question is, her husbands sister's wedding is in 2 weeks.  It seems like all of a sudden he wants to come back home right before the wedding so that it doesn't look bad to everyone.  She is not basing their relationship on how they look to every one else, but his family is very narcissistic and they don't want to be embarrassed by this situation.  She is part of the wedding party but now she is afraid that if she partakes in the wedding, that it can be used against her if this does go to court.  Should she stick with her commitment to her husband's sister or pull out of the wedding short notice?

[SeriousSam]

Why is it the first thing in all of these things...

I don't want my ex.... to see our kid...?

[mami1323]

She wants her ex to see his son, she just doesn't think that he's mentally stable enough to keep the son overnight.  He's never taken one interest in his son.  Only when he or she mentions a separation, all of a sudden he wants to see his son.  If he was so interested in spending time with his son why doesn't he do it?  He doesn't take his son alone any where, he doesn't play with him for more than an hour, he doesn't take part in the care giving.  When he does come by to see him all he does is sit and argue with her instead of spending the quality time with him.  She doesn't keep him from their son and believe me, she always wanted him to be a father to him.  He just had no interest, of course until the mention of divorce, all of a sudden he wants his son in his life.  

[mami1323]

I know you have issues of your own with your ex and your children, so don't take this one incident and turn it into your situation.  But since you think it's ok for him to emotionally and verbally abuse her in front of their child.  The constant criticism of the food she cooks, backing her into the kitchen counter and yelling at her, all of this in front of their child.  Ripping him from her arms on numerous occasions while he yells for his mother.  Do you think this is right?  Do you think this is a stable man and that this behavior should be acceptable from a father?

[MrsOckert]

Ignore Sam.

Tell your friend to ask her lawyer his advice about the wedding.  It's a tough call, but I would not let the husband move back in just for the wedding.  It's his bed let him lay in it.

[SeriousSam]

Actually some of the stuff you mentioned a lawyer would say is irrelevant.  Particularly if she starts talking about him, then the his family etc., plus if she/you all of a sudden finds him to be threat when he "wasn't" before it will seem very much like she was trying to manipulate the court for an edge in the proceedings.

Quite honestly do find his described behavior acceptable? No I don't?  But he can say whatever he wants about dinner etc..

Wanting time with his son?  It is not uncommon for someone who is in a bad relationship with someone to lump a child in as an "ally", it does sound like she might have been doing that to some extent and that he might have also lumped her son in with her.  Their seperated and he may or may not still see them as a single entity.  If he doesn't he may want to spend more time with his son whom according to your accounts he has not abused.

[mami1323]

He was always a threat.  I remember being at their house visiting and he completely told her that they were going to go to his parents house to put the baby in the swimming pool.  Um, hello, I'm visiting.  She was breast feeding and he grabbed the baby out of her arms and put him on the changing table and told her to get him ready.  The controlling, manipulative behavior is disturbing.  What happens when his son is uncontrollably crying for his mother because that's all he really knows since his father has completely taken a back seat to his child rearing, and his anxiety kicks in and he does something horrible.  He hasn't physically abused his son but isn't emotional abuse just as damaging?

[SeriousSam]

Emotional abuse to a child that young is hard to prove and if it is provable then she would be found just as much risk for continuing to place the child @ risk for all that time prior to the point where she decided to stop him from seeing the child.

BTW if she has a lwayer you should probably let the lawyer give the advise to keep things from getting too messy.  No offense meant.

[mami1323]

None taken Sam.  I see your point of things.  I really wish he was a different type of man.  She is a wonderful woman and she deserves better.  She is so sad and I think the reason she stayed so long was for hopes of having her family.  She stuck it out hoping things would get better, that he would see how wonderful she was and how great their son was.  She had suggested couples counseling and he refused.  He told her she better get used to the idea that he will be coming back home.  Like telling her he is coming back.  Her thoughts and feelings are of no consideration for him.  If he had taken part in any of the care giving or at least showed interest in their son then she would have no problems letting he take care of him and be a father to him.  But he has mentally and now physically abandoned them and that's why she is so fearful.  Thank you for the advise and I hope that you make out in your situation.