Should I allow for her father to see her?

My daughter is 17 months old, and her father was awarded supervised visitation twice a month.  He meets her at a public place.  When we were together, it was an abusive relationship. He was very abusive to me.  Also, we were together, he gave me money for my daughter.  Now, he does not.  I was going to take him to child support but I make much more than him and it's not going to worth it-- I am not going to get much at all.  When we were together, he had the opportunity to see her but he would not come unless I was having sex with him.  He does not give me a dime for her. Now I have decided to cut visitation and not let hime see her. Should I let him see her?  I feel like he should help me financially and don't think that he is too interested in seeing her anyway.  Should I let him see her?

[mami1323]

In court visitation and child support are considered two separate issues.  He is legally obligated to pay for and supprt his child financially.  However, he does not have to see her.  So by cutting off contact because he doesn't pay will only make you look bad in court.  Plus, you said that you don't need his support but then in the next line you say you will not let him see her because he doesn't pay.  So I'm a little confused by that.  Is he abusive toward the child?  If it's supervised visitation then you won't have to worry about him hurting her.  I would not cut off contact because it will only hurt your daughter in the end and if he wants a relationship with her then let him have it.  If he chooses not to show up then it's on him.  I know the inconsistency will hurt your daughter but then at least she can't blame you in the future and say you were the reason why he wouldn't see her.  I think you should allow the visitation and if he shows up he shows up and if he doesn't then he will be the one disappointing his daughter and not you.

[treazzure007]

i disagree.  i was that single mother that had supervised visitation.  i had to rearrange my college courses to do what some uncaring dumb judge ordered to be at those visitations twice a week!  that man sat up there, came late, brought his friends, ate burgers, stared at me the whole while, didn't half look at the baby, and DID NOT give me a dime for 6 months i went through that nothingness.  you stop going to that dumb visitation.  maybe you'll get lucky and he won't care anyway.  mine did and hated me for not letting him come to look at me for an hour twice a week anymore and put in contempt of court orders against me.  i actually had to move from my city for awhile until his shenanigans stopped and he got sooooo far behind is his cheap child support that he wouldn't want to go to court.

know that most men don't give a hang about the baby if they don't give a hang about the mama.  he's already shown he doesn't care whether she's eating or not, roof over her head or not.  he won't contribute to it.  why should you do all the work!  you didn't make her by yourself.  and if you are going to do all the work- darnit you should be the only one to get the credit and reap the rewards!  that's how i feel and NO you should not let that deadbeat see her.  what real influence is his presence having on her in the long run?  think about that.  i did and i went out of my way to make it happen my way

[treazzure007]

had to add:
some Man made that bs law about child support and visitation being separate.  any real parent on the planet knows that spending time w/ your child and providing for them go hand in hand.  it's bs and needs to be reversed

[Njsweetnlight]

I wanted to comment on the money situation. Even if you are making more than the father he is still obligated to help support the child and maybe will teach him responsibility. Any money is better than NO money even if it is 20 dollars a week than that will help pay for gas when you meet with him for visitations. I do believe that you should let him see the child because that is the right thing to do. Do what is right and in the end it won't come back to you. You never know the child might grow up saying you never let me see my dad and it is your fault. As long as the child is not in any danger than the father should be invovled if he wants to be actively invovled in the child's life. I know it is hard because of the relationship but put that aside and think of the child. If my dad wasn't around I would want to know my father and not think about what the mother and father were arguing about. Do you kind of understand that? Adults need to make sacrifices and grow up and put their feelings aside but make him pay, if he is not giving you ANYTHING oh my goodness take him to court and then he will wish he was gave you money because the court WILL make him pay!

[Key27]

Well, yes I did say that I did not need his support, but it is his responsibility to support his child as well.  He wanted to have a baby.  I love my daughter but that does not mean that I am suppose to financially do everythng by myself.  He IS suppose to help.  And I agree with the others when that child custody and child support go hand in hand.  Because the law says that it does not, does not mean that  law is just.  Remember, there are not many single moms making laws. if there were, it would probably be more fair than it is.  You have to experience it to know what I am going through.  

Of course, I want for anything that my daughter have a loving and responsible father in her life, but like I said in my post, he had the opportunity to see her whenever he wanted and yet he failed to. He only wanted to come over if we were intimate.   Now, I wondering what's his intentions now.  

And I will take that advice from the other post to take him to court.  I did take him to court, but because I was taking off of work for custody hearing and protection order, that I can jeapordize my job if I continue. I will wait until my vacation to take him for support. Listen, us moms need help and support as well.  

[mami1323]

I wasn't saying that it was just or not just, I was simply stating the fact.  Legally, they aren't hand in hand.  I was raised by my mother without any help, financial or other, from my father.  So I know how difficult being a single parent can be.  I'm not saying it's right and I know it's his responsibility to support his child.  I was just saying to you that just because he does not pay does not mean the courts will take away visitation.  They won't, it's unfortunate that it's not considered one thing but it's not.  If he has no interest in his daughter, you will see that and the visitation will end because he will probably give up when he isn't getting what he wants.  If you withhold his child from him, he can take you to court and say you were interfering with his visitation and get you in a whole lot of trouble.  You don't need that either.  You also don't want your child having any type of resentment towards you later in life.  That was why I had said for you to keep trying and if he gives up then it is on him and not you.  So please don't take offense to my post, I'm trying to help you out in the long run.  

[crissy578]

I have never been in this situation but, I feel that you should let him see his daughter. What happens if your daughter grows up to resent you because you did not allow her a realtionship with her father. Also, if he was only seeing her when you had sex with him, then I think he was there more to see you than her. Anyway, let your daughter see her dad. Although it might hurt like hell because of what he did to you, men tend to be different with their daughters, and it might make him do more for her.

[Key27]

Thank you all for your comments.  I think I will allow him to see my daughter It hurts a lot.  I always wish for a good father for my daughter.  And when I realized  that he wasn't. it tore me a part emotionally.  I know what the lack of a positive male role model and love can do to a girl's self-esteem.  And I fear this for my daughter.  I hope that he will come to his senses and be the best father he can be.  I try to deal with this and be tough and not cry about the situation but sometimes I shed a tear to two.  I also tried to talk to him and come to an agreement so that we can just get along and act civil for my daughter's sake.  

One minute he agrees and the next he's calling me out of my name.  I do not know what else to do.  And when I mention money, he tells me to have my boyfriend my her things.  I think that is a terrible thing to say.  How could he love my daughter and want to see her, if he is not financially supporting her?  Is that even possible? People who I love I want to see them financially okay. But as her mother, I will do my best  to raise her and help her to become a confident, loving, and intelligent young lady.

[Njsweetnlight]

I have to add one more comment about the father telling you to have your boyfriend give you money for the child. IT IS HIS CHILD! What the heck is wrong with men. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up and he is very immature. I don't care if you married Donald Trump he can not push his responsibilities onto someone else. You need to stand up to him and say I didn't not make this baby with my such and such (whatever his name is) I made it with you and you need to help support and be there. If he doesn't don't push the issue just let it be and nothing right in his life will happen because God doesn't like ugly and he will get his.

As far as the court issue, if you have a court date for childsupport NO job can fire you and HAS to give you time off for court, just give them enough notice. I went through something similiar to you and my son's father to this day does not see his son. I never kept him from him but when my son was small he too just wanted to come over to see me and not the child. As my son got older he didn't help at all. He is paying child support and that is it. Think if you ex is such a loser and doesn't step up to the plate then forgert him, do you want your daughter to be surrounded by a loser that doesn't love her or take the time to care and pamper her. Children should be treated like the special gifts from God they are not a burder or a financial responsibility as he views it.

[Key27]

I couldn't agree with you more.  He IS extremely immature.  I tell him that Our child is our responsibilty not anyone else's, but he constantly tells me the same stupid things.  He does not know how to have a civil adult conversation about our daughter.  Not to brag about myself, but I really believe that I am the only woman he had that had some class.  

I can tell now, and the worst part about this situiation, he has his family on his side, even his mother who raised four boys as a single mother--she was married to their father but in an abusive marriage and her husband was not really there.  She even supports what he does and says.  It is unbelieveable.  I think a woman who was a single mother should tell her sons to do right by their children and not tell the the opposite.

I am currently trying to file for child support.  And I agree, children should be treated as a gift from God.  He used to tell me to suck **** for diapers and milk.  Our daughter is sooo beautiful inside and out and I can't understand why he can get himself together and act civil for her .  He is missing so many things; It is sad.  And it hurts me like hell that my daugter is growing up without a wonderful father in her life.  she deserves the best, and I hope that I, by myself, can give it to her.