Divorce & Breakups Community
Should I leave my partner?
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to divorce, breakups, anger, child custody, child support, conflict resolution, co-parenting, dating, depression, friends and family, legal, pets, property issues, remarriage, spousal support, and visitation.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Should I leave my partner?

I am nearly 27 and my partner is 36. We have been together 2 and a half years. I met him very shortly after I broke up with a man I was deeply in love with. It was far far too soon but I went along with it, in retrospect, as a distraction. Very quickly it became apparent that my new boyfriend was very controlling, manipulative and at times cruel. As a result, I have always had one foot out the door, always expecting to leave him. Yet, years later I have never found a way. I feel extremely anxious whenever I've tried to leave. However, as is so often the case with this sort of man, he can also be wonderful. He makes me cry with laughter, is incredibly charming and clever and when he wants to be, is fantastic.

I am so drained and exhausted from walking on eggshells all this time, trying to 'get it right' so that he doesn't explode or/and judge. However, now he is very worried about his health. He has lost a lot of weight very quickly, has strange symptoms and has a lump in this throat. The first lot of blood tests have come back all Ok and hence his Doctor has said that it is not cancer... but they still don't know what is wrong and he is scared. Whenever I mentioned that I am not happy together, he brings up how scared he is that he's dying and how much he needs right now.

On top of this, I bumped into my ex boyfriend recently. We ended up sleeping together. I have never cheated on a partner before and feel sick with myself, but at the same time it felt so right to be back with someone who I connected with so deeply. I've never felt that way about my current partner.

I am so angry at my current partner, but feel so guilty. I want to just end the relationship and be away from it all but he is so scared and sounds so lost that I do not know what to do.

What should I do?
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
The question is this: WHY are you staying?  You say you feel anxious when you've tried to leave.  Is this because you are afraid of what he might do to you/himself or is it because you are afraid of being alone?

Neither is a good enough reason to stay.  He's manipulating you with this illness.  It's not your fault if he's not got other people to turn to.  You can't be there for him how he deserves anyway if you stay since you're checked out and feel no connection to him.  If you're staying because you're afraid of what he might do to you, then you could probably try to get a restraining order.  If it's because of what he might do to himself, that's on him.  Tell a family member or friend of his to keep an eye out for his behavior, and it will be off your shoulders.  If you're staying because you're afraid of being alone: I doubt you will be for long, and if you are?  Well, it's a good time to work on learning to love yourself because you surely have lost respect for yourself staying with a guy whom you know to be abusive.  You can't truly love anyone else until you love and respect yourself.

Definitely save your dignity and keep yourself from losing further self-respect by more incidents like sleeping with your ex by ending this properly.  If you're not happy, you can't give him your all, and he can't truly be happy knowing you aren't.

Best of luck!
4 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
1268057_tn?1399131913
"Very quickly it became apparent that my new boyfriend was very controlling, manipulative and at times cruel."  Well....isn't he trying to use this illness of his to control if you stay or go by trying to make you feel guilty if you leave?  I wouldn't base whether to stay or go in this situation on his illness.  I am not trying to minimize his illness, but I just don't think he has any business trying to use it to keep someone in his life who is apparently checked out of the relationship already....that would be you.  

BTW:  how does he know he is dying if he doesn't even have a dx. yet?

Does he not have any family or friends that can be there for him?

Sounds like you loathe this current partner and really don't care what happens to him.  You made no mentioned about love or even really liking him.  

Well....you need to do what's best for you and it's apparent you aren't happy with him.  You have always had one foot out the door, cheated on him behind his back, etc.  I would say let this one go because neither you or him deserves this.  

Just let him know you have to think about your happiness and your future.

If you feel he is that desperate, etc. because he is scared secondary to this illness perhaps you can be there for him LOOSELY.  

Sounds like you should definitely end this properly and move on with whatever you want to do.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
The question is this: WHY are you staying?  You say you feel anxious when you've tried to leave.  Is this because you are afraid of what he might do to you/himself or is it because you are afraid of being alone?

Neither is a good enough reason to stay.  He's manipulating you with this illness.  It's not your fault if he's not got other people to turn to.  You can't be there for him how he deserves anyway if you stay since you're checked out and feel no connection to him.  If you're staying because you're afraid of what he might do to you, then you could probably try to get a restraining order.  If it's because of what he might do to himself, that's on him.  Tell a family member or friend of his to keep an eye out for his behavior, and it will be off your shoulders.  If you're staying because you're afraid of being alone: I doubt you will be for long, and if you are?  Well, it's a good time to work on learning to love yourself because you surely have lost respect for yourself staying with a guy whom you know to be abusive.  You can't truly love anyone else until you love and respect yourself.

Definitely save your dignity and keep yourself from losing further self-respect by more incidents like sleeping with your ex by ending this properly.  If you're not happy, you can't give him your all, and he can't truly be happy knowing you aren't.

Best of luck!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I don't quite know why I am anxious. It's a combination of things. I am scared of what he'll say. Which sounds ridiculous, but he can destroy a person in a few sentences. It's as though he can see into your soul and know what the worst, most painful thing he could say to you is. I'm also scared that it will hurt him. Despite how unkind he's been over the years, I look at him and I see this terrified little boy. The idea of hurting that little kid in him is almost too much to think of. Then, I suppose I am scared to be alone. Alone without him. Without him to distract me. I'm scared that he's the most intelligent funny man I'll ever met, and yet have to let that go. He's recently decided to 'change'. For the first time since we've been together he's actually acknowledged what he can be like and the things he's done... In a way, I wish he hadn't. I wish he'd just stayed being as nasty so that I felt I could leave. Now it feels too late, but to give up all the good stuff now he's saying he's sorry................... Then on top of that, I've ruined it anyway by having seen my ex. I am ashamed of myself for what I did.

It's as though I don't trust myself to know what is best for me.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn

I have a hard time understanding how You "justify" staying with this Man, (guilt?) yet You cheated??!!  I truely don't get this - it sounds like a contradiction to me.

Your quote:

"I look at Him and see this terrified little Boy. The idea of hurting that little kid in Him is almost too much to think of''' -  WHAT??!!  In my book, leaving Him would be better than cheating - I wonder if knowing that You cheated would " hurt that little kid in Him"??

I would agree with You that You don't know what is best for You, OR for Him, OR even for the ex BoyFriend.  This much I know is true:  CHEATING IS NEVER THE ANSWER, not for Him, not for You, and not even for the ex BoyFriend.

Good Luck on working through all this.
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Divorce & Breakups Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating Control: How to St...
Aug 28 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
233488_tn?1310696703
Blank
New Cannabis Article from NORTH Mag...
Jul 20 by John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAOBlank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
3 Reasons Why You are Still Binge E...
Jul 14 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Relationships Answerers
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
1268057_tn?1399131913
Blank
Londres70
France
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
TTinKKerBBell
CA