Sorry I didn't follow your sage advice

Very, very sorry I didn't listen with the last breakup and went back to my man.  We were starting over and letting things build and we started the business together.  It was going so well and then when he got too close he retreated big time.  Confronted him and we broke up.  He has opened up more to me and I now realize how broken and damaged he is.  He cannot break out of his comfort zone as much as he cares for me.  He thinks that the tiniest things would do for me.  He recognizes that he really doesn't know what a real relationship is and that I deserve to have everything.  He let me get my anger out and we will continue with the business (we have to) and will stay friends.  It is me who I am most angry at.  I knew the signs and I deluded myself that he could provide me with what I needed.  It is going to be a long recovery with us working together.  

I feel like I am addicted to him and keep facilating between aching to have him back and knowing it is the right thing.  This turmoil plus my first Christmas without my mother and dad are really wrecking havoc on my emotions.  He has been my best friend and I can't go to him for comfort.

[Londres70]

Are you seeing a therapist at this time?  I would HIGHLY recommend it.  It is obvious you are drawn to unhealthy relationships and men that AREN'T able to commit to you 100% or give you 100%.  Why.....hmmm......that is  for you and your therapist to figure out.  I am sure your past plays a huge role in this.  You must get yourself sorted FIRST before getting into any more relationships or you will unfortunately continue this pattern.  

Unfortunately it was apparent to me how broken he was when you first started posting about him; you couldn't really see it though and now you do.  

I would look into a new hobby or a great support group for people who are struggling with co-dependency; something positive to keep you BUSY and your mind OFF HIM.    

[elvy66]

Dear TrudieC
I feel your pain, I crave my ex hubby every minute, I have tried new hobbies, going out and even dating....nothing fills me with joy....my children are the only thing that gives me hope....but what can I offer them....I dont have any answers but you have my support and friendship if you want it..Kindly Linda

[specialmom]

Oh, I am sorry it worked out that way.  Hey, it is easy for us on the outside to give advice that doesn't require us to be strong and do something that part of us doesn't want to do.  So do not beat up on yourself for going back to him.  You tried.  You come away now with clarity that he is not capable of the kind of relationship you would like.

I remember the first Christmas after the passing of my dear mother.  It was so heavy with emotion and sadness for me even though it is supposedly the 'happiest time of the year'.  It hurts to lose those we dearly love.  One thing that I did for that first holiday was to break our my usual patterns.  In fact, I went away for Christmas.  I'm a traditionalist and love my own tree and the whole 9 yards.  But I found that going somewhere new that had no memory attached to it really helped me.  Could you do something like that?  A spay perhaps if you have the money?  Hopefully you have some family that you can also lean on.  That first holiday is difficult.  After the first one, I will tell you that for me it got much better and I was able to go back to some of my traditions.  The ones I shared with my mother were a little bittersweet but in a happy way.  I am a firm believer that time heals in these things.

I agree that a therapist would be so helpful.  I would just change some things up with him.  If he has facebook or something like that-----  don't friend him or unfriend him.  That way you are not tempted to "look".  I'd have certain hours that you can talk to him only.  I wouldn't call colleages I work with at any old time, I'd be businesslike about it.  I'd see him the same way.  I'd see------  no matter how much you currently believe (and remember, there is a part of you that likes that you are tied to him with the business, it is subconsious but real) that you can not leave that business---  about doing just that.  How could you gracefully exit.  I think it is essential for your mental health.  I really and truly do.  Make plans for how you can do this in the future even though you resist the very idea of it.  It is even worth losing some cash to be free from a dead weight around your heart.  

Okay, here is wishing you peace and much happiness in the new year.  

[TrudieC]

Thank you for your wise words.  I made it through Christmas OK.  And Will even apologized to me.  It was evident he had visited his therapist - said he was so messed up he had no business getting into a relationship.  That he never fully committed to the relationship and that he led me on that he had.  That he knows he hurt me and he is sorry.  He promises to do all he can to make the business successful.

The next day we worked together great.  Then he started not communicating again.  I know he is tired due to his part time job but geez, we are running a business here.  I have to babysit him and check up on him.  Had a good talk with someone from our networking group and he says I need to insist on changing the ownership from 50/50 to much less for him.  I am gearing up for that conversation next week.  This is so hard.  I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to resent him either.

[specialmom]

I am glad that Christmas was alright.  Hopefully all will be joyous from here on out!  

I think it is a very good idea to start having him less and less involved in the business.  It is like a friendship after a relationship.  It is iffy if it will work----  too much "other stuff" that creeps into it.  

And I would not worry too much about hurting him----  remember, it is his hurting you that caused the situation.  Not the other way around.

You deserve a happy life and a partner that can be a true partner.  Never forget that!  Peace and happy new year.

[chin978]

My husband was born in Trinidad-Tobago, South America.His family: mother, sister, and a drug addict youngest brother broke up my 7 years of marriage. His family is a bad news. As long as those people are around, the cycle of poverty will never end. My husband filed for a divorced, he made me pay for a divorced paper work! I refused to do so! Uncontested divorce! No spouse maintenance after the divorce! 7 years of marriage, I have been unemployed, the IN-LAWS make sure his money goes to them.
I have decided to move on with my life, no children in the marriage. Eventhough one day in the future, he will beg me to come back to him, I have decided "NOT" to welcome him back to my life!
He is a type of 'POOR money management skill", a man who does not stand up for his wife, the inheritance I receive will be: huge debt, unpaid medical bills, and unpaid bills.