To End or not to End

I love my husband. Deeply. We have fun together. We like the same movies- minus his obsession with sci fi, we love being home bodies. We love cooking together and going out to dinner. Traveling.  We laugh a lot. We're affectionate with each other. Good level of intimacy. We have similar values and morals.  I genuinely like him as a person, consider him my best friend and my biggest emotional supporter. We often hear from other people that "I want what you two have."

Here's the problem. He's just not motivated. He's a combat veteran who's battled mental health problems and memory loss for the past 7 years that we've been together. Part of why I love him is because he's caring and sensitive, two qualities that fuel his chronic mental health issues. He's extremely dependent on me financially and emotionally. It often becomes difficult for him to do basic things like pay bills, remember appointments, etc. He's been in school, but hasn't worked in a long time. We don't have many disagreements on how to spend money, but I'm the primary earner. I'm really broken about what to do about our relationship and I'm burnt out from taking care of him. We've been to couples therapy in the past and his behavior has improved a lot (i.e. working on keeping a calendar, taking on more responsibilities at home), but I'm still pretty frazzled.

I feel like my staying in the relationship is enabling him, but I know he's trying to change. I think it would be a relief to not have to be the breadwinner or to be responsible for him anymore since I'm so mentally exhausted. We've been together 12 years and I'm not sure what to do about this relationship. Advice?

[mammo]

Hi.  It sounds like you have a wonderful husband....one worth fighting for.  You will still be the bread winner if you leave him and not have the wonderful partner you have now.  I think before I would call it quits, I would try to get him doing more and being more self-reliant.  You can "not" enable him and still be married to him.  Maybe you need to be a little more firm to him about what he needs to do on his part, just lay all the cards on the table so he knows how you're feeling about this. Don't always go behind him and do what he should have done, tell him to write down what he needs to do (don't do it for him) and if he misses an appt......let him make another and be responsible for getting to it.  The more you do for him the more dependent he becomes.  I can empathize with him being a combat veteran but it doesn't sound like he's made any progress and he should have.  Just stop doing so much and see how he reacts and go from there.  Maybe if you stop doing so much for him, he will become more responsible and you will feel less stressed.  Often people can be a like a children, they know if they don't do things...you will, so you need to stop.  I know it's a difficult decision, but you have to do what you know in your heart is best for you and I wish you all the best!

[Londres70]

The above poster offered some great advice.  

Perhaps you all should return to therapy.  

This man is a vet and in my opinion is struggling to have a normal life.  He might not ever be the same as he was before fighting in combat; a high possibility, meaning you might have to be the "bread-winner" permanently,  etc.

Do you have any activities outside taking care of him and working?  Any support groups through the military that you can attend and talk with other spouses going through this?  

This situation is becoming more and more common unfotunately.  

[rawr573]

You need to keep him. He's in your heart, you can't just leave him. My grandma and grandpa were together through it all. They were in the same spot. He was a veteran from WW2 and when he had his stroke he was starting to lose his memory, increasingly fast. He even walked onto a school bus thinking it was time to go to school. My grandma loved him so much, and I know she was sick and tired. It made me tired sitting in there for a day. He didn't remember a lot of things. My grandma was his eyes, ears, and well mind. I don't think you should leave. I'm sure its exhausting, but in the end, do you know what you'd do without this man by your side?
It sounds like he's trying so hard to be there for you, but the mental is not keeping up with what he's trying to do.
I'm positive there are groups that have spouses talk about this and help get through it. I don't know what to tell you, but this is my opinion.

[10ewilks]

Your husband sounds as if he uses his problems as an excuse not to be motivated and to not get a job. Even if he gets out and gets a job simple as Wendy's, every penny counts and could be made of use. Talk to him about possibly getting a part time job at a fast food restaurant or small store. But as far as leaving him, you guys have been through so much you should stick with it a little bit longer and try you at least owe your relationship that.