Update: Separation turned to divorce

So 4 days ago I received an email from my husband saying,he doesn't wanna go to therapy anymore we should just go for divorce. So I told him fine I won't force you to go if you don't want to,so we getting divorce. But there are things that I happening that I don't get,so at the moment I'm unemployed looking for job everywhere,I moved to my mom's house 3 hours from him but I also have job promises that side and I don't know anyone there but him. So he sent me the message saying he still willing to help me find a job,if they call me for interview,he doesn't have a problem for me to stay with him.

He still nice to me,paying all my accounts and helping me put my cv out there. This is all good but confusing,how do I accept that he's no longer mine and move on while he's still acting this way,or should I just let him help me stand on my own then I can move on?.

Please help me I'm confused.

[elvy66]

Just be careful that he is not having a his cake and eating it too....He might like you home, cooking and cleaning and do the washing....and going out and having fun at night time while you are home waiting for him....I am not saying that is true...but please just be careful....I have not read your story so I do not know your story...so good luck and think with your head and not your heart....

[sheidy]

Oh no I made clear that I'm no longer the wife,so no more doing that staff. We will just be roommates that's it. I just don't get why he's being so nice!. Thanx.

[specialmom]

I'll be honest.  In your previous post I got a bit lost with you because you yourself were so conflicted.  You said you hadn't shed a tear and seemed almost relieved and glad about him leaving.  Like the writing was on the wall or something.

I think I'm picking up here that you've been a wife taken care of financially the past 2 years and now that he is still paying things for you---  you are still going back.  While he might be 'having his cake and eating it too' , I have to wonder if you aren't doing that as well.  

Is his financial support of you all that is bringing you back to him?

[elvy66]

maybe he is hoping if he is nice then you will be the wife, my ex went from nice guy when he wanted something and wanted to take care of me, and when I refused he would change into someone I never knew....who knows what he is thinking...just be on guard....and good luck...here if you want to talk...Linda

[specialmom]

Anyway, i'm just going to go ahead and tell you what I think you should do regardless of that big question above----  just my opinion of course.  But, his financial support of you is quite temporary.  You need to prepare for that and think about what you can do for work.  I think if you only know him in the town you were living, you are better off moving home with parents and finding a job there.  It has only been a few days of looking so give it some time  If he wants to supplement you financially for a bit, he can still do it--  but again, you should view that as temporary.  I don't know what spousal support laws are in your state and that is something to check into for the divorce.  good luck

[sheidy]

Thank you so much ladies. I moved in with my mom and I'm looking for a job this side and hoping I get something soon. Actualy after he spoke about the separation I was prepared to handle everything myself and I was shocked when he said that and doing it. And no I only resigned from my job 2 months ago so we were both working. And me not crying now its cause I cried a lot when things turned ugly and I guess I was ready for everything.

And NO I'm not going back to him not now not ever,I will never go back to someone who looked me in the eyes and told me he doesn't love me.

[specialmom]

Hey, I'm sure you have lots of emotions about this and are all over the place with that.  That is natural and normal.  I'm sure on one hand you are very sad about it and on the other sick of the bad suff that was happening.  

It sounds like you now have a plan and that is good.  I hope the job search goes well.

I will say that he sounds like he is being quite kind and compassionate about things in wanting to help you out financially.  It would be nice if things could end on good terms.  

But it hurts.  I'm sorry you are hurting.  Peace

[sheidy]

Thank you so much your support means so much to me.

[elvy66]

Take it from someone who has been through every emotion I now understand why you shouldnt make any major decisions in your life, but being with your mum is the best idea...You sound very strong and I you have a plan that is a good thing...people told me take one day at a time and that is working...I hated to hear it takes time.....but I see a concillor and I have no contact with him at all and this has helped a lot....yes I still think of the cruel way he left and why me...but I take them out of my head straight away....this has help go and do one thing he wouldnt let you do this is a great release....good luck and keep in touch....Linda

[sheidy]

Hie talking about counseling,my mom thinks I should go to one and I just feel fine. I guess my question is,do I realy need counseling even though I feel ok?

Your so right in so many ways. I do want him out of my life for good so that I can start moving on but he's making it so hard. Thank you.

[specialmom]

Well, I'm always partial to therapy. It is sometimes just good to talk to someone that is there to support me.  It helps give clarity and can reaffirm how we feel about things.  Honestly, I think everyone can use someone to talk to and to help.  

I am glad you feel okay though.  Emotions may change over time but we celebrate every day that is a good one  

You take care of yourself dear!

[Londres70]

Don't see anything wrong with accepting his help to get back on your feet.  Do that and then move on.  

I am not sure about any "ulterior motives" just because he is not "raking you over the coals."  

Divorces can be amicable.  

[TrudieC]

He may feel guilty and is extending the kindness to you to make up for that.  And yes, divorces can be amicable.  I left my husband 13 months ago.  We are extremely good friends now - we even give each other dating advice.  We were friends before we were a couple and being married only strengthened that.  But, we both acknowledged where we each went wrong and recognized that neither of us was getting what we needed in the marriage.  

Do go for therapy - I found it helpful.  I don't want to make the same mistakes (I was married twice).  Even after the therapy I goofed again and am now joining a group for co-dependent women.  Make yourself the healthiest you you can be and then you will recognize the right man when he comes along.